i want a guy that would love me in jeans and a t shirt.. and someone that would bring me a little bit of chocolate every now an then.. not like a huge heart shaped box but just a lttle truffle from my favorite chocolate shop or a hershey kiss... just something little to prove he listens...

I suppose I'm looking for a someone that's already out of my reach...

it's snowing... and her I am in my living room, listening to some mellow music and slowly getting this paper done for my class at two... Ya know it must sound like I'm on the computer all the time... but it's only because I'm always working on my classwork... part of being a write.. I have to write...

Stella, that's the cat, is cuddled  up to her scratching post, eyeing the shoelaces of my boots...

I got a Christmas tree up... it's very simple.. I like it..

It goes well with the tye dye tapisty.. same color in the paper chain..

I'm thinking about taking a nap in my pillow corner/hookah den... it's really looking inviting with all this snow and chill outside

Ireally don't want to to this paper.. it's going to be a total BSed affair just to get a C... And I need to study for this quiz ON THE LAST DAY OF CLASS.

I'm going to a party with all my ex coworkers tonight.. it should be fun.

Drinking. Smoking. Sleeping. I guess I don't really do much these days.. school and work are over.. but I need to get a new job..

I guess I'll go to Dominos until something better comes up.. I hate delivering. I bet Blackjack makes better money... I'll try there.

The song has ended... I'm feeling very somber.. vey lonely...

ah.. there you are... I really enjoy talking to Rustaroo... :) It really bummed me out that he and I don't talk that much anymore.. he's such a good... converser? Even after gee, how long had it been? months.. maybe even a year... and we get right into a great conversation like usual.. something about that kid.. just gets me a-talkin...

I hate that have to be no worries about evverything becuase no one gives a damn about me. If a dog fucking bites me and I go to my room to cry, no cares so I have to just no worries it away. No one worries about me. ever. My family is more involved with their fucking dog than they are with me, their daughter who's gone to college and actually doing something with my life! I doubt my brother will go to a university. I'm the first one of my cousins to go to college. But does that even matter to any of them? No! I'm busting my ass to stay afloat, working all the time, going to school, but if I need help from someone I don't get shit! my mother would rather buy a brand new tv or a fucking dog than help their daughter afford a new computer. They buy my brothers all kinds of nice things, video games, pets, guns, and it feels like a burdon every time I ask my mother to help me buy a new pair of jeans get my car fixed. They act like I"m made of money, but I'm barily making ends meet! My brother's dog just bit me. Really good, it's going to bruise and I already have teeth marks in my arm and all my mom did was yell at me because I was playing with the dog the exact way weto does. she didn't even check to see if I was ok. I'm not visiting them anymore.

with all of this computer crap I've been going through it's  pretty obvious that I haven't been on here to update ya'll lately... But nothing is new/. I'm hopelessly single, dispite my effort to flirt and go on dates. So I've decided to get back in the online dating scene.. because really, where else am I going to find someone? All the guys I know ar either in relationships or are decidedly not making a move with me. And my friends.. one of the guys I was for a while being led to think I had a chance with, tried to give a little lecture about how people one finds online never work out.... i've had it with him... he's kinda been a jerk lately...

god  wish I could just be happy about where I'm going to life...

I Wonder if gay guys ever get bored and have sword fights with their dicks...

I don't want to see anybody today. I don't want to deal with everyone else's shit

Last night I completly broke down, could barely keep it together at work before they sent me home early. I needed someone, anyone to turn to. And i went to Bonner, texted him, hoping just a moment of what we had would prevale and save me from my own darkness... He still loves me, and the complicated emotions I have made him think we should get back together. Bu I don't think I could love him again. As much as i would love to let him hold me again, let me know that everything would be ok as he had his hand on my back, I know there are so many things we couldn't get past. I'm such a broken person now. I don't know if he could love me.

it feels like i'll never peel myself of this couch and go on living.. or loving. it feels like my life has ended, like I shold give up, stop fighting and let life carry me away into the sea of other people who don't care anymore.

I've been crying since i got off work. I don't even know why really. i'm lonely. No one wants me. i have no one to depend on but myself, and it getting harder each day to keep myself afloat. There is no one i can run to anymore. I'm all alone in this world.