What a weekend. Saturday was horrible. I was supposed to go over to Emily's for maragaritas and a good time, but she never returned my calls so I spent the night alone. Kevin talked with me for a while and then he went to sleep. And while I was in the shower, I just fell apart. I was sobbing, I couldn't even stop it, it just hit me. I guess you could say that I was finilly facing all of the shitty emotional stuff that I had just been running away from. I mean, a lot of stuff has gone on this semester, and I've been running away from it all, because I didn't want to face tht fact that the life I had imagined wasn't going to happen. And I can't really tell anybody this, well except through the anoniminity of this web page tha no one ever visits (I had a whole two web visits yesterday).
I guess I get comfort in the fact that maybe someone totally random is checking up on me, getting that feeling I get when I check on postsecrets.com. I'm just going to keep on beliveing that someone is out there reading this, and maybe they will say a prayer for me... or something... I don't know anymore.
And then last night. I was talking to Kevin to escape my shitty roommate. And we were just talking, goofing around, and he made the joke that he always does about how we should just get married someday, and joking back, I said I know, and we both had a laugh. But then he got serious, and asked me what would I do if he asked me to marry him. And he asked it in that way that from experience ment he was serious. He was serious. I asked him if he was really asking me this like right now ring and all, and he told me no, he would do it properly and everything.
Wow
Kevin is my best friend, and I'm planning on living with him in New York in a few years. but I never imagined us actually married. Well I mean, sure I have, I thought about it, I've thrown around the possibility of being intimate with Kevin, but mostly just when I get so depressed and lonely that I get the feeling he's the only guy I can keep in my life, which I have proven true again and again. But actually marrying Kevin? I don't know... That's a big thing to keep between friends. And I want to find who I'm really supposed to be with, someone to have a family with and to make love to someday. I know if I marrried kevin, everybody would think how sad, she was forced to marry her gay best friend because no one else wanted her. Is that what I want? And how would I feel when he brought men home? Would he have his own room? Would we have sex? I don't know.
I understand tht this means that Kevin has never gotten over his crush on me that he had when we first were friends. that means that when he says he loves me, he means it. I mean when I say it, I mean, I love him as a friend, I love him as the only person that really knows me. but LOVE love? Romantic, I want to kiss you and think about forever love? kevin feels that for me... but I don't know if I do... I don't know if I even really belive in that kind of love... this is a lot to think about, isn't it? Marrying Kevin, giving up on that hope that there actually is someone out there for me. marrying my gay best friend. I mean I want to grow old with him... but as my best friend, someone I could run to when my husband annoys me. if Kevin is my husband, who would I go to? if he was my husband, would we still be as close? Does he just want to marry me out of convience, because he can't marry a man?
And what if I find a guy, and fall on love and we decided to get married? that would crush kevin... damn. things get so complicated.

Today's relization..
So I've been throwing around this theory.. and I havn't told anybody really because it's could be considered a very vain theory... but when reading my theory, keep in mind that I have never been much of a fan of myself. So here's the theory, as told to Emily earlier today (and after hearing her give the "you go girl" awww, I figured it's safe to proclaim it to the handful of people who sometimes visit this site, probably on accident)...
I'm not hot, or sexy or smoking or fine. But, I am beautiful. And what this means, and it makes a lot of sense in my context, is that guys look at me, and they "like what they see" but they don't want to fuck me or even date me. but they don't mind looking at me. And the not wantint to date me could be because when they watch me for a bit, they see how I act, what I say.. so on and so forth... I'll admit it, I'm probably too unusual to be delt with regularly. it's hard to connect with me, because well, I'm quirky, eccentric, different. Hell, last time I told a guy I was a virgen, and happy with that fact, he laughed at me, thought I was joking. but hey... I like who I am. I may complain about not being popular or liked or dateable, but that's mostly because I havn't found the other people out there like me.
I love me. I am beautiful. I may just now be learning this, but better late than never, right?

In the library
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Poe: haunted
So this has been a really bad semester for me. First, I overreacted and probably lost Rusty for good this time. Which causes my heart to go numb sometimes. then I got assigned the worst roommate possible. She's a slob, rude, a theif.. the list goes on. we just don't get along, but she's moving out of the room next week, so that's good for the both of us. Then my ipod broke, so $200 down the can. And to top it off, (drum roll please)my laptop crashed. well, the hard drive is messed up so I need to get a new one. So my laptop got shipped back home to be checked out by some of Woodland Park's very own computer geeks. Which leaves me to write 2 finals and a handful of other papers on the computers in the library. I gotta tell ya, it's been a barrel of fucking monkies. So until my laptop gets fixed, these little updates are going to be few and fare between. Next week is finals week.. I'm not looking forward to spemding that much time with my difficult roommate. her "studying" habits involve blasting her music. And let's face it, when I'm studying hardcore, I can't concentrate with music and what-not. It'll be a trip, I'm sure....
Ok well... I am in the library and feel somewhat guilty for not doing homework in here, although I know they don't really care. I mean come on, there was a guy materbating in one of the private rooms here...
Ok, I'm really leaving now..

Snow dances in the gray-scale sky.
Collection on my eyelashes.
So sudden.
Expected tomarrow.
I remeber a snowy night last year.
When he and I talked still.
We don't talk anymore,
not purposly, I don't think,
But things have happened,
And I don't get many calls these days.
Not from him.
The snow blankets
On the ground and on the trees.
Inches of white.
The only white in the world.
We wait, anticipation.
Slipping in the halls
coming home damn.
But it's fun, not annoying.
I said goodbye to him today.
"It's not me, it's you.
Trust issues."
Too messed up to deal with this right now.
That's what I should have said.
Damaged. You don't want me--
he didn't.
No I know what's best for you.
Away from me.
Stress piling up,
Thickening in the lint catcher.
Paper
Story
Paper
Study
Read
Breath
TV
Sleep.
What are you doing tonight?
The snow collecting at your window
Your bedroom warm,
The fireplace burning.
Stay warm
I still care about you..

But dispite all of this, I stil have the problems of school and Fort Collins. There's Joe, the guy I went on a few dates with. I'm not attrated to him at all, I've tried to force myself to like him, but I just can't. I havn't told him this yet, becuase I havn't talked to him all week. I don't know if he left his phone and computer home while he went to Junction for the week, or if he's mad at me for not wanting to kiss him on Tuesday. It might also be that I told him I was a virgen, which I am not ashamed of. But there's a little part of me that thinks 'he likes me, shouldn't that be enough?' I know that I should be with someone I like, someone I'm attracted to. But it seemes that I can't find anybody I'm attracted to that likes me. I guess I'll just wait this out..
And then there is the roommate from hell situation. I'm sure it's going to be a great last three weeks. Maybe she moved out this week.
But there is nothing I can really do about it all until next semester.

So Joe is out of my picture. I didn't think he was going to work out from the start. I just wasn't attracted to him. It's not really anybody's fault... just a chemistry thing...

The sky writer has your name
ready to take off,
I love you!
But you don't love me anymore

The ring is fitter for your finger
hours of work
and our initials are it,
But you didn't love me anymore

I was ready to give myself to you
We oculd have been together for always
I might have loved you
For reals,
But you wouldn't love me anymore

And I tried to forget you in his eyes,
tried to love him
and all I could think of was your name
Because you don't love me anymore

ok... so I went on another date with Joe. We walked around old town for a coupe hours.. Which ended up us looking at jewelry and rocks and so on... It just wasn't something I would have done.. then we went to luch, and then back to where I met him, whole foods for another cup of coffee(I had tea). There was a lot of talking... and, I don't know... I don't think I had much fun. But how much fun is window shopping with a guy you barely know?

ok guys, I went on a date.
Yeah, me, I went on a date. And there was no help from Kevin. He's thsi guy I met off of myspace. i know, you guys are probably thinking, girl, you're gonna get raped, but I knew that going in to the starbucks where we met. We talked for about an hour, and then he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him tomarrow. I was apprehensive about seeing him again, I mean, it was like a blind date kind of thing.
But we've been talking some more on myspace tonight, and it's calmed some of the nerves I had, knowing he was nervous too, and impressed I actually showed up..
He's 22. I guess he's a redhead, has a beard(something I don't know if I'm too crazy about..) he's into martial arts, working out... I guess he's going to csu next semester.
So this is my first time going into a date by myself... any other time, Kevin helped me...

I"m so messed up. And I don't even know how to change it. I hate who I have become. This loner, with loose aquaitances that don't mind dropping me when they have something better to do. Emily has her roommates, I'm lucky if I see her like once a week. And all of the kids on the hall, lately most of them have been acting like I have the plague ir something. Al always dodges taking me on a liquor run anymore, even though she'll take other people. And nobody wants to invite me to party with them. I mean, they won't even ask me to go to dinner with them, I have to catch them on their way out. And Kevin and Erin, my two best friends, theya re all moving on. Sure, we still come together, but they have friends, and Erin has Jeff. I mean, I'm still just not doing much of anything.
And things with the roommate are horrible. I'm just waiting for her to move out, now. And it seems like she's not getting ready to move out. So now it's so tense, I hate being in the room with her. I have to keep all of my valiables locked up, because she's a theif.
I jsut feel like I'm on my own now. It's lik I have no real friends this year, just people I talk to. I know next year will be better, with Tiffany and I living together. I mean, she's my best freind next to Kevin and Erin.