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To a man who loves music, a man who loves art...
written @ 02:25 on Wednesday, October 09, 2002

I wrote this about 12:00 this afternoon, so of course my mood as changed since then...but I was just in an absolutely terrible mood.

Ok, so it still bugs the shti out of me seeing her leaning on you. I make the effort to lean around people and look at you with her! Fucking pisses me off. I just seriously still hate seeing you smile at her and be happy with her. Why can't you just break up and be happy still fucking around with me? I don't udnerstand. Ok, so maybe I do understand and maybe you are completely happy without me, But seriously, you can't tell me that what we had is over. You can't tell me that there is nothing between us anymore considering how terrible our break up was. I am so mad. I want to be able to run to you in the halls and give you a hug and a kiss and tell you that I love you so much.

...

But that will never happen again. I've figured out that even if you two do break up, I would never ever want you back. I dont' want shit with you because I know you'll do this to me again. I just want to have someone I can wrap myself up in and feel so good that I'll never let go. I've lost you. I never ever wanted to, but I guess I had to, seeing as though you are completely over me. But, its not like that is something new considering you were gone and moved on from me within a week. What the fuck though. Seriously, if you stopped caring about me, then why the fuck did you keep "us" going? I don't fucking understand at all. Its not fair for someone like you to make someone like me go completely psycho because of something as stupid as a highschool relationship. I wish I could fucking hate you. Except EVERY single tom I try, I fail MISERABLY!!! I block you online yet, within an hour, I can't wait to see if you are on and I want to IM you, but I'm always afraid that either she is there or you just really don't want to talk to me at all. Then, when I do actually talk to you, I just get this feeling like, "He's actually talking!" Sometimes, but majority of the time, lately, I have been thinking about how much of an asshole you are and wondering why I would even want to talk to you.

...

I hate this shit. I have so much fucking mixed emotions when it comes to you. Its fucking crazy. I just wish you would hurt me worse then just cheating on me. I mean don't get me wrong, I am really, really pissed that you cheated on me...But, I forgave you for that. I don't think I will ever know why I did that so quickly, but I did and I feel like in doing that, it just opened up more doors that would cause me to be used by you as much if not more then I actually was.

...

I keep running these moments through my mind of you and me. Dancing to our song, falling asleep in my basement even though we just fought like crazy, watching movies on your futon, yet never really finishing the movie because we were too busy messing around. Moments like these were fucking golden. Moments like those will never be forgotten. Thats why it makes me even more mad that I refuse to forget about what we had. Because, basically, I am not a fucking idiot. I know that you can't forget that shit. I know you can't forget how happy you were with me. Like my away message says, I gave you the world and I god shit in return. Exactly. Thats all I got from you. I gave you money, I got you EVERYTHING you wanted and in the end, ya cheated on me. How the fuck does that work out? I don't understand at all...Once again, I think thats all I really have said is, I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AT ALL!!!! AHHHH!!!!

...

Ok, that was wayyy earlier today after just seeing him with her, for the last time I really ever want to..I'm better now, and I think things will be different, but I don't know..I hope so.

- Me.

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