::online blogging, ranting and raving::

29.May.2002

WoW! Nine days without blogging. Geesh! What am I going to do with myself now!?! lol =) This weekend (fri-mon) was Derby Weekend, so I didn't even have a moment to stop and catch my breath much less try to write or get on the net... but I'll more than make up for it in this entry probably! I'll give you a quick run down on the Derby... friday I worked until 5 then got home and took a shower then it was off to the derby.... we hung out at the carnival/fair all night... then saturday (i was off work) morning we went to the parade... once that was over we came home and hung out in and around the pool drinking all afternoon.... sunday i worked again until 5 and once i got home we where off to the derby again.... monday morning bright and early we had the water wars then the tri. races and after that we came home to rest... lol and drink. =) I found something in a book I was reading today that really helped me out alot... well, with the whole me not feeling like me thing that is.... I decided to write it in here in case I ever need to read it again... and who knows, it might just help someone else too!

I am me. In all the world there is no one else exactly like me. There are people who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it. I own everything about me - my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be - anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all the words that come out of it - polite, sweet and rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; all my actions whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and success, all my failures and mistakes.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other aspects taht I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
I am me and I am okay.

20.May.2002

It's been a few days since I wrote. Today was actually my first day back on the computer since I last blogged which was five days ago! lol I can't believe I've gone that long without it!! Well, I changed my layout yet again. Who knows how long I'll keep it this way... but I seem to like it alot better than the last...now if I can just find a pic that I like good enough to keep on here for a while...

15.May.2002

I made a new page today and I'm in the process of adding even more content... oh, yea, and I changed the layout theme. I didn't get to watch my soaps today becuase I had to run to the college for a while. Tomorrow I won't be able to work on my page much if even any at all becuase Wad and I have to run to Hanford and do some other things. Today has been a fairly good day considering that with writing my new page I drug up a lot of things that I'm having to deal with, but it's better that way. I want to get this out in the open as a type of therapy so to speak so that maybe I can move on.. hopefully and possibly even help someone else with the same type of problem. ....

14.May.2002

Well, I took my lovely test. It was so freaking easy. Thank God!! I have to go back and register for summer quarter in about an hour and I so hope that I can get into the class that I want to take ...grrr... I'm sure I can, but there's always that fine line. Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer with the television to my right... yea, it's one and my soap is on. lol. I'm actually in a good mood for once. It feels great. Maybe this blogging thing is helping more than I thought it would. Who knows. No matter. I feel like I'm closer and closer to falling back into place whatever that may mean. Zoloft. Humm.... the commercial is on right now... I'm debating on weither I need it or not... it all depends on how I'm feeling next week as to if I'm going to get it or not. Well, anyway, my soap is back on so I'm going to jet for now...

13.May.2002

I am soooo tired today and I don't know why!?! Maybe it was because I slept until 1:30... I tired to get up earlier but I just couldn't force myself out of the bed and plus... I never have anything to do on Mondays anyway. I got a call from work and they need me to come in and help them close tonight... so I'm going to have to drive twenty minutes there to be there for like an hour and then have to drive twenty minutes back. That sucks ass. I don't know if I'm even going to go... depends on when Wayd gets home from work....he was suppose to already be here, so opps... I only got to watch half of my soap today (days of our lives) because I slept so freaking late. :( I probably need to be studying for that test tomorrow, but I don't feel like making myself do it. I just wanna crawl back into bed and sleep the day away. I went to one of my old e-mail addresses earlier and went through some of my old sent e-mails. Dude I so am not me right now! I mean, you would think a different person wrote them... totally. It's hella fucked up! I want to be that person again... grrrrrr.... I was so in tune with me, whatever happened to that? I can't pinpoint exactly when I began slipping away, but dammit I'm making my stand now... no matter what it takes... meds, therapy, I don't care... I'm going to be me the way I'm suppose to be.. I'm so sick of feeling numb about almost everything....

12.May.2002

Happy Mother's Day to all the non-mothers... oh yea...and the mothers. Today was one of my better days. Wayd and I layed in bed together all morning then I had to leave at 1 pm for work. Work went well, but only because it went by really fast and now I don't have to go back until this weekend. =) Let's see .. ahhh, yes, test this tuesday...bummer! We just got finished watching Ocean's Eleven..damn that movie is kick ass. Everyone should see it!! Now, go watch it..yep I mean right now. Get off your lazy ass and go rent it!! lol Anyway.. I drank way too much coffee at work... gotta run.

11.May.2002

It's 11:25 pm... almost tomorrow, but still today. God, what the fuck is wrong with me!?! Today went okay. I went with Beck, Val, and Tam to have the kids pictures taken. It was a complete all day event.. and a very tiring one at that especially when the kids started getting cranky. At least there was an adult for each child. 4 on 4. The pictures ended up turning out really good... and sooo adorable. Me, Wayd, Beck, Chris, Tam and Rog all went to the movies once us "girls" (and one guy.. little ian) got back. We watched Changing Lanes... and a little tip.. if you're planning to go see it ... DON'T!!!! It sucked ass. It was sooooooooo fucking slow and went nowhere!! But then again that's only the opinion of six level headed, action movie watching adults, so if you decided to go just remember, you were warned. Wayd, Rog and Chris went to the shop a little before 11 pm ... it's now 11:30 .... I feel completely alone and sad.... I'm so fucking depression right now.... I'm trying my best not to cry, but it's all that I really want to do at the moment.... but I won't give in... I won't... I think I'm going to do some more to my page now... I've got to add the forum... and I'm not going to give in....really, i'm not.....

10.May.2002

It's Friday and frankly I don't give a damn. lol ... migth as well be talking to Scarlet... (gone with the wind). Yea, I'm weird, so don't ask!! I can remember being a teeny bopper and practically jumping for joy when Fridays rolled around. I can't say that I want to go back to that though... nope, no way. Sometimes I'm surprised that I've even made it this far. Hell, here I am in Cali, 3,000 miles away from everyone I use to know, exactly where I've always wanted to be, with the person that I've always wanted to be with, so damnit I think I'm doing damn good no matter what anyone thinks. I haven't lived with my parents in two years and Wad and I havent' managed to kill each other within that time... hehe... so yea, everything is going my way... now if I can just get my brain on the right wavelenghts I'll be doing even better... WOW! I can't believe that I've been living with a guy for two years... I never imagined I'd be able to live with one for a few weeks much less years and years!!! The past two years have actually been the best of my life and even though I'm not where I want to be mentally yet... I've come a loooooooooong way and alot of it's had to do with Wayd's help. He's been, and is being still, so understanding and honestly I don't know what I'd do without that. He's basically the only stable person that I've ever had in my life.... I know that I've been such a bitch at times and yea, we've had a few knock-down-drag-out arguements... but the good thing is... we haven't had many at all and the ones we've had haven't lasted more than a few minutes before we're both apologizing at how stupid we were being... and that's what I need... everything that he is....

9.May.2002

I've been "reunited" with a few old friends which is awesome. I'm still trying to stay positive about things.. but for some reason my negativity always wants to creep in. I'm a complete pessimist, but oddly enough I don't mind about it. I mean, I'd much rather be able to prepare for the worst to come my way that way when good comes instead I can be surprise and thankful. I went on a tiny k-mart sprenzy earlier today... what's up with me and shopping lately. I'm trying so hard to find myself.. but what the hell am I thinking!?! Who knows maybe I think that I'll run into *me* in a department store somewhere and ta-da everything will be normal again. Nothing will ever be normal for me... honestly nothing ever has been normal in my life. That's got to be my problem... shouldn't it be? It's not that I want to be "normal", (normality is something that I've never wanted and if you know me personally you totally understand!) it's just that I want to fell like myself again. I don't want to look in a mirror and see an ugly seemingly big person staring back at me... I want to see myself the way others do. I feel like I'm such a bad person and nothing I do can ever justify that. BUT then I get so confused because here are all these people telling me what a good and nice person I am!! I just want to scream, "Don't you get it!?! What's wrong with you?? I'm not nice. I'm not even good." Why can't complimetns touch me the way they're suppose to? Why can't I just accept me the way that I am. I feel so lost... but yet here I am... still trying....

8.May.2002

Today is my sister's 20th b-day! *yeppie* I have to take a test at school the 14th, which is this coming Tuesday... I just might have to jump for joy about that.. yea... in my nightmares perhaps. We also have to register for summer quarter Tuesday. I've decided to take it, so that I won't have to take near as much next quarter. I've began looking for a new job, not that mine is bad or anything, but I can't stand having to travel so far to get there and back... it's totally useless. I'll be in 19 in exactly two months from today!!! *YAY* We're going to Vagas in September... and now we're trying to fit Mexico in before Christmas... well, that's it for now. Wad and I are about to go out to eat. Oh, did I mention that I bought new undies during my shopping sprenzy last week!?! =)

6.May.2002

Well, it's pretty much official.. I'm a looney. lol. I'm starting meds for depression. Hummm.... I think I just need something to relieve stress, but hey, what do I know, right!?! Anyway, we're going to see if the meds work and all... I'm so tired of being tired and bummed!! If it doesn't work I'm going to had to go to a psyc. I have eating problems again. I've been going days without food. I've worried everyone to death and I haven't been myself lately. I'm so sick and tired of being worried all the time.... I've lost weight... I get so freaking tired of hearing people tell me that I'm too skinny when I feel like I'm completely and utterly over-weight. I don't see what everyone else does and when I weigh myself and see 94 lbs... I feel like I should be smaller... but I'm getting help and I'm going to get better...not for everyone else this time... this time it's for me.

3.May.2002

I get a new kitty cat tomorrow morning!! That was the highlight of my day. I switched with Billy and worked tonight so that I can be off tomorrow to go shopping for Wad some new clothes. Then a few moments ago Wayd (Wad) came in and let me know that he's got plans for tomorrow with his brothers after we've had these fucking plans for a whole damn week! Talk about being pissed!!! Needless to say we ended up getting into an arguement because he forgot that tomorrow was Saturday. Oh well, if he wants to continue having to wear clothes that are too small for him for another few weeks so be it. It's not my fault that he's gained weight and has to try pants on now before they can be bought... otherwise I would have gotten him some when I went shopping Wednesday. Oh, yea, we got a kitten on Tuesday... she's solid black with green eyes... and plus I'm going to pick up my kitty tomorrow... :)

28.April.2002

Today was one long boring shitty day. I had to work closing tonight and it sucked ass! I was put at the front register since Vicky didn't "feel" good... although she was fine being behind the counter... anyway, the few mintues that I was in bakery (where I was suppose to be today) began okay then I realize that *yeppie* I was working with Katie. *grrr* I guess it's a good thing I agreed to go up front considering that I was coming up with more intresting ways to kill Katie and make her suffer. *lol* The day just continued to go down hill. And dammit if the freaking door wasn't calling my name. I was sooooooo tempted to yell at Staci for keeping me isolated at that freaking register!!! Not only did I have to check out every fucking person that bought anything at all, but I also had to deal with some of the supidest questions!!! God, I hate stupid people... oh, this one's the best... "I'm sorry, but how much does this cost?" "Well, let me see.... oh wait... the price is right there...yep, right under your finger." Damn!! Freaking ppl have iqs in the negative numbers... Miranda and I talked during our entire breaks about how being in front turns you into a nasty bitchy nutcase with a headache... the night ended well since things started slowing down and we could close on time... but I'm left with the scars :( Not exactly true, but it sounded pretty damn good. It was one hella crappy day. Code. Getting home never felt so good!!

26.April.2002

I had to work a mid-shift today because of my schedule. It wasn't too bad since the morning flew by... but as soon as 3:30 came around and I knew I only had three more hours, just 3 HOURS (!!!), time decided to work against me. It was more like 3 days or weeks instead of hours! Kristen was more up-pity today than usual, so everyone had to watch their backs ... she's a major prankster about everything... it gets really old when we're trying to work, but she's one of my closest friends, so I'm not going to dwell on her rudness... I just try to overlook those flaws since she never bothers me. :) Changing the subject.... is it really possible to hate something as much as you like it and even at the same time? I believe so. Like my job for instance... I enjoy working there... and I like it. I've become great friends with everyone there including my boss, so why do I hate it so much when I'm not there. As long as I'm working I don't mind it. I love to work. But before I leave the house... and even on the way there... I feel like it's the worst place in the world to be. I honestly hate the place unless I'm there in it.... *sighs* weird.

25.April.2002

Have you ever noticed that anytime we, meaning the female sex, enter a chat room we're completely bombarded with messages asking us to either cyber or show off our web cams!! I find myself wondering if guys recieve the same type of crap from us. I'm sure that yes, while it is a probibility, it's very doubtful, at least from most of our sex. Oh, and doesn't everyone just love this line: asl Come on ppl at least try to show a bit of originality!

24.April.2002

Today was pretty fun considering that I almost had it entirely to myself. It was a do-nothing kind of day... well, with the exception of babysitting my nieces for my sister-in-law. They were both extremely well behaved so the day went by good ... up until nap time that is. When Savanah heard that she had to take her dreaded "nappie" she started crying for "mommie and daddy" but thankfully I'm great with children! I even got her to go to sleep all by herself ;) ... of course there was a bribe involved!! What do you think I am? Dumb or something!?! I was able to rock Tess right to sleep which is very unusual since she is always fighting it. Needless to say once Wad got home and the girls woke up we took a trip to K-Mart for a surprise and then went out to eat.