From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it.
Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face that I was looking for.
Today I have found you
and those that laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did.
I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.
My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold.
I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine.
Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow.
My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you
Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made radiant
for me
the earth and sky.
My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer
I borrowed this pic from another site...it is so awesome...
04/20/2002
Well, it would appear that all is well and all of my worrying was for nothing...as usual! On Friday morning I called COBRA (after Payflex promised me I was being moved to the top of the list) and low and behold...I was actually in the system! I talked to them about the 6 month waiting period thing and told them I would bring over the Certificate of Creditable Insurance (which I am soooo glad I got when this whole thing started so I had it in hand.) Well, anyway, I took it over and the front desk brought up my account and reviewed the form and said since I had insurance for over a year at my last job that they would waive the 6 month waiting period...HURRAH!
On Friday, the 19th I had all of my pre-surgery testing. It started at 8am at Mercy Hospital and I was done by 11:30am which was much faster than I anticipated. Everyone kept asking me, "Why are you having these tests? Everything looks great." Which was really nice to hear. I started off with my blood gases, and that is where they take blood from an artery (not a vein) in your wrist. I had been told it would hurt, and it did pinch a bit more than your regular blood donation, but it was one syringe full and was over in less than a minute. I do have a sore wrist and an ugly bruise there today.
Next I had an ultrasound of my liver, kidneys, spleen and gall bladder. No stones, and no abnormalities thank goodness. I was gelled from one side of my tummy to the other and that test took about 1/2 an hour. Then they X-rayed my chest from the back and the side which was painless. Next it was on to the pulmonary function test which is the breathing test. It took about 1/2 hour also and was just a bunch of inhaling/exhaling and then more breathing after they gave me an inhaler. Again, they said it was fine. Next I had a doppler which is an ultrasound of both legs from the groin to the toes to check for blood clots. I was clear all the way on both legs. It was cool to hear my blood rushing behind my knees when he turned up the sound. Lastly, I had an EKG which took maybe 1 minute. They stuck on the pads, I laid there for a sec and boom - all done.
I always considered having the pre-surgery testing done like the last step before surgery, so needless to say I am really getting freaked out now. It's hard to explain the fear and also the joy of the whole thing being over with. My sister was finally approved for her surgery and she is going with IMages in Louisiana. She will have a whole different story than mine because she is having laproscopic, and Images is paying for all of her travel. But I think what was supposed to happen has happened and I have faith that it will all work out for the best. Her surgery is in July which means I should be feeling 100% by then.
04/16/2002
My COBRA is still not in the system...sigh. But I called and left a message for the Payflex lady Diane Kay...yes, there is her name on the internet so people will know she hasn't returned my call yet. So there...vengeance extracted...lol
I don't know how to type what I have been going through. Excitement and disbelief at the prospect of being thin. Sadness about what I might miss if I end up dying on the table...Wondering what the new "less" me will be like... I put away the winter clothes yesterday and it was a roller coaster. I feel so sad over the clothing that I will never wear again. Why am I invested in that? I should be saying "Good Riddance." But I feel like it was a good wardrobe for me as a heavy person...and I will miss it.
I know that sounds so crazy...but God the thoughts that have been going through my mind these days. I want to leave tapes for the babies to watch while I am gone so that they know I love them and miss them. I got my will in order, I think I have all the vitamins and such I will need. I have been eating things I think I will miss. It's such a complete life changing thing that sometimes I don't think I will live through it...but I know it's just a fear of the unknown.
I keep thinking about the new horizons I will have in front of me. I keep running thoughts over and over in my mind about what to expect...but how can I expect anything since this is a totally new experience? What type of person will I become? How will this affect me when I go back to work? How can I help other people to get this surgery? What can I do to support them? I want to make sure that I survive it...and then I want to share it with the world.
My sister yelled at me for obsessing this weekend again...I want to tell her "How can I think of anything else?" She is waiting for approval right now. Maybe she will understand when she is in my shoes and I am on the other side... She asked if I was going to obsess about it the rest of my life...how can I answer that? Of course, I'm going to obsess about it...it is a whole new life. And right now I don't have much to think about. I guess God gave me this break in my life so that I could focus on me for a change. I'm 20 days and counting... breathe in...breathe out...
04/13/2002
Well...let's see...three days later and I got my COBRA paperwork, filled it out, got a money order and took it all to Payflex and they promised to get me in the system in 24 hours. So now I am back on track...I think...
You know, I never imagined three months ago that this thing would be such an emotional roller coaster for me. It has been so tough and a fight every minute to get this far in the whole process...I am sure that once the surgery is over it feels like the downhill slide. I belong to a Yahoo! club that has the motto "I never said it would be easy...I said it would be worth it." And that is the truth in so many ways! Right now I am just praying every day that things go as scheduled and that there are no more hang ups along the way.
04-10-2002
More drama on the home front. Today I got a call from New Start (by the way I ended up going with Dr. Gaskin in St. Louis) anyway New Start says, "We were precertifying you with Blue Cross and they say your coverage ended on the 20th of March." I'm like, "gulp." I said, "It did, but I am continuing coverage with COBRA and that should cover it fine." But I haven't gotten my COBRA paperwork yet so I call my old employer who passes me on to Payflex who handles our COBRA. I had to leave a message.
So I am having a panic attack. I am feeling the acid gather in my stomach and I am FREAKING OUT!!! NO One is taking my surgery from me...(nervous giggle). So I call again and leave another message and finally she calls back. Apparently, my insurance ends at midnight on the day I terminate employment. I have 60 days to claim COBRA...45 days from the actual date on the letter from Payflex. But I haven't received a letter yet...so they check and it seems I went into the system on March 28th, they did my paperwork on April 3rd and it was mailed yesterday. SO I should have gotten it today - but didn't.
I ask if I can come to the office and make a payment and they say yes and that they can get me into the system in 24 hours which is good...because my pre-testing for surgery is on the 19th. So I will wait to see if I get the letter tomorrow. And then (God willing!!) no more hurdles until the actual testing/surgery is completed. This has been such a hassle...I pray it's worth it in the end. OH yeah, and I have another cute Garfield to add in today...so I guess I will do that now. Please keep praying for me and keep me in your heart!!
04-05-2002
Well, after my last little sad and depressing post...I got great news! Yesterday I got my letter from the insurance company finally APPROVING MY SURGERY!!! Then I called the Doctor's office and my surgery is scheduled for May 7th. I have to go to St. Louis on May 6th and see the doctor, and then on the 7th I will go under the knife...yikes!
I am excited, nervous, giddy, sad...all in only one day! But it's hard to think about what I will be giving up...and just when I feel overly depressed about it all...I think of how great I will look with 100 pounds off my body!! I can go to my class reunion as a new person...I can make that trip to visit the ex-fiance and feel like a success...I can enjoy the summer for the first time in I don't know how long! What a roller coaster ride this life is...I just don't know what to say.
I have purchased some protein drink, I've got some fiber laxatives (eek) on hand, I got my childrens vitamins, I got my new slippers for the hospital...I'm ready to rock and roll...(gulp)...almost. I will update soon...thanks for hanging in there with me.
04-02-2002
I competed in a karaoke semi-final tonight. I have a slight cold but I think I sang extremely well. Five people qualified and I was not one of them. It was disturbing and upsetting as one of my close friends was also with us and he did qualify. Two girls qualified who didn't sing that well and I had to ask myself again, "Did they overlook me because of my weight??" How I would LOVE to be free from that question for the rest of my life. I got so depressed after. One of the guys who qualified was just horrible and sang soooo off key but they said his performance to the audience was better. I think it sucks. I rarely compete in things for this reason and it's so hard to come out of my shell and get the guts to even try...and then when I get slammed down I always think it's because of my weight. I just wish I didn't have to sweat it anymore because then I would know it was because I wasn't good enough or something else...
I have been at this for almost three solid months now and I am getting so far from feeling like the surgery will ever happen for me. I feel like a lost cause at the moment, all depressing and not very much of a human being...without my baby boys I don't know what I would do to feel like I have a place in this world. Someday this will all seem so minor I'm sure but right now I am in the bell jar.
03-31-2002
Well, life has been moving slowly along right now for me. I lost my job on the 20th which really stinks. I will have to keep paying the cost for the COBRA in order to follow through with the surgery. I have not heard anything new at this point, they are reviewing my case and have contacted an older doctor for information about me. Last I knew they were waiting to receive the letter back from the doctor. I called the doctor's office and he said that he had indeed mailed a letter back...so I will call again on monday and see if anything else is new.
The good thing about being unemployed is that I won't have to worry about taking time off work to heal. I hope I will qualify for unemployment and will just coast until after I have the surgery and am all healed up...in the meantime it will be excellent to have time off work, to enjoy the babies and the summer and to recoup after the surgery. I know that all things happen in Gods time and I am trying to keep that in mind every day as I wait and wait for Blue Cross to make up their mind...
03-15-2002
**Update**
I just got back from the doctor. I will give the lowdown here so that people will have a better idea of what to expect from Dr. Jacobs' office.
I got there 10 minutes early and stopped by the PAC office to get weighed in...288.6 pounds...the highest ever and hopefully it won't move any higher than that! Then I went upstairs where they did the usual copy of the insurance card, gave me a couple of extra papers to sign and had me sit down to wait. I had filled out all of my paperwork yesterday so I had that prepared.
I think I waited maybe 5-10 minutes before "Lucy" came and took me back to a room. She took my blood pressure which was 140/90 (I guess that was elevated a little), she took my pulse and then left me alone. The room was kind of hot so I cracked open the door a bit. This part was the most boring as I hate sitting in those rooms by myself with nothing to do and time creeps by.
Michelle Fisher, the coordinator came in and took my picture for my chart and assured me someone would be along shortly. Then Krista (physician's assistant) came in and she did a thorough history with me, including diet attempts, health problems, eating history and it was very inclusive. Then she felt my stomach for a bit and listened to my lungs. We decided that I should have an upper GI as I have been having reflux a lot lately. She also suggested a sleep study because I make this noise when I am sleeping which my sister lovingly calls "decompression". She also ordered blood work and a complete physical by my primary (which is scheduled for next Wednesday).
She went over the surgery...recommended me for the open roux-en-y and told me a little about what dumping is and why it happens. I already knew most of what she talked about...but it was still comforting to hear it repeated by a professional. Then she went to get Dr. Jacobs and I met with him briefly. He is a very tall and broad (not fat by any means) black man with salt and pepper hair. He was warm and gracious and complimented me on my binder full of research. He gave me his email address which also impressed me and encouraged me to use it if I have any questions.
They asked me some questions about what had happened with Dr. Mitchell, and I was honest and upfront with them. I also expressed how happy I will be if I can have the surgery in my home town where family and friends can come and see me. So now, I have my appointment with my primary in one week, and I will get set up to have all the testing done. I was very impressed with Dr. Jacobs' office and personnel and I think this feels like the right decision.
(Earlier today) Well, miracle of miracles...The doctor's office here in Omaha (Dr. Jacobs) had an opening/cancellation come up yesterday afternoon...so I am going to see him (or the assistant I'm not sure which) this morning!! It's very exciting...because I would love to have the testing done in Omaha...it just seemed like such a long wait back when I first started calling around about the surgery.
I'm not sure why, but I feel so nervous! It's like a miracle that I got in so soon...and maybe fate has finally decided to move on my behalf? Who knows...all I can do is take it one day, one step at a time... The good news is I have already fulfilled one of the requirements of this Omaha doctor which is having the psych. eval. done. I am glad I followed through with that. Trying to remember to breathe, in and out, in and out...taking it one moment at a time. It's just too exciting!
I'm going to add a couple more awesome cartoons I found! Here they are...
03-13-2002
Ta-da! Okay so nothing that great has happened yet...but I called Blue Cross today and found out that they received the letter from Doctor Gaskin. Now it's just a matter of getting the approval done. I got a contact name - Theresa - and a contact extension...and I plan to call her every other day until there is an answer of YES for me!! She will probably be sorry she ever gave me her name. But I am so happy that I am one BABY step closer to my surgery!!
Also - I found this awesome saying yesterday and I am going to include it here so that I will always remember it:
"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open... whether you choose to take an art class, keep a journal, record your dreams, dance your story, or live each day from your own creative source, above all else, keep the channel open!"
-Marth Graham
03-12-2002
Today I am feeling frustrated!
I am waiting for the doctor's office (Images) to get the letter back from the surgeon signed...at that time it will be submitted to the Insurance company. Dr. Gaskin (St. Louis) has already submitted the letter to insurance and I'm waiting until Wednesday until I call to make sure they received it and that it is being processed.
I don't think I can make the appointment in Denver even though I really want to go...because I would have to take time off work (two whole days) and I am still on 90 day probation so I don't want to push it and end up losing my job before I get to have the surgery.
I am still waiting until April 12th to see the doctor here in Omaha - and then I have to begin that whole process with the letter and insurance and blah, blah, blah and I have heard that insurance has to approve each doctor if you change doctor's in the middle. What a hassle...and it just seems that time is a wasting! I am trying to remain patient and not gain any more weight while I sit around and wait (ha ha play on words...) I am trying to remember to meditate and pray and stay centered and not lose myself in this whole process...
03-06-2002
I need to make a decision about whether or not I am making the trip to Denver. I just can't decide... I wish fate would hurry up so I wouldn't have to think about it! Ha Ha -
Last night I won first place in a karaoke contest and now get to go on to the semi-finals...that's cool huh? I have never really done that type of thing before, but I enjoy singing and I think I have a good voice. Now I am nervous about performing...it's always a weight issue...not really about my voice. That seems kind of pathetic. I am just making excuses to fail when I think like that.
I am also panicking about giving up the Diet Coke forever...yikes! Can't imagine it...but I am also terrified to have surgery and then stretch out my pouch for the love of God how about some priorities? Putting myself first for a change...novel concept, eh?
02-27-2002
I am having a hard time today...I am so depressed about everything. I am having a hard time reading the message board because everyone on there seems to be having good luck with insurance. It's just getting to me...the waiting, the anger, the frustration. I'm trying to pretend on the outside that things are going well, but on the inside I think I may be crumbling into pieces.
It doesn't seem to make much sense, and I know that I have PMS to some extent but I am really just freaking out...I want to sleep until it's time for surgery. I almost feel more intolerant of my obese self than I did before. I look in the mirror and can't wait to see some weight loss, I put on my clothes and hate the way they hug my rolls...hate that I am outgrowing them again and hate the fact that it may be months before I can even see any difference.
I had dreams that summer would be different this year...but at the rate it's going, it won't be different, it will be hot and I'll still be fat and there won't be much fun to be had...lol...pathetic I know but still...it's how I am feeling right now and that's the point of this whole journal right? Not to be some prat who goes on and on about nothing...or who only journals after they've lost 100 pounds and feel wonderful.
Nope, this journal is for the trenches of the soul when it's night and it's ugly and all you want to do is hunker down and ride out the storm. That's what being obese is all about after all...riding out the storm...except no one ever told you that the storm was called "life" and "riding it out" actually meant "watching it pass you by"...and i finally woke up and saw the sun through the clouds...now it's like someone is holding me from it and frankly it's pissing me off. I hope I feel better tomorrow.
02-25-2002
Today I got a copy of my psych. eval. finally! I faxed it to all three of the doctors I am waiting to see...and at least that made me feel that I was doing something pro-active. It's so much better than just sitting around waiting and waiting with no hope of anything coming up.
This weekend I got a call from Lenore at New Start. She told me she was working some overtime. She told me that she was doing up a letter for me and asked if I had spoken to Dr. Mitchell's office. I told her I had and she said he was "taking some time off" and that they didn't know for sure if he would be back or not at the end of March or middle of April. It's too wierd. But anyway, she switched me over to Dr. Gaskin who is out until March 4th apparently. She said he would sign my letter when he gets back and then they would send it off and I could start nagging the insurance company.
You know...I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go with Dr. Mitchell's office or if I am supposed to go with another doctor...but I am letting it all ride right now like a poker player waiting for a good hand. It's all I can do. Maybe I will have approval from Dr. Mitchell before I even see Dr. Snyder. Images is already working on a letter for the insurance company before I even see the doctor so maybe I will have an appointment there before I see the doctor in Omaha. It's just too crazy right now and I have to let God figure it all out because I can't see the big picture but he can.
I still know it will happen and I am doing all I can from down here. Plus praying, praying, praying...
I turned all my finances over to my mom to figure out. She is in charge of getting me out of debt now. I am sure that will bring up some money anger for me and then food anger on top of all of that! It's like striping away all of my masks and leaving me bare to the world. It's frightening...but it has to be done so that the rest of my life can be a happy one.
Had some good one on one talking with mom this weekend and we figured out that a lot of my conditioning with money and food and lying came from my childhood and what I was forced to do - by her - to cover up things we were doing because my father was overbearing and unbelievably controlling. It's amazing how those life patterns hang on and on even into adulthood. It almost takes a lifetime to undo them...
02-21-2002
As you will see below in my surgeon information, I have not decided on who my new surgeon will be since Dr. Mitchell flaked out on me. I am looking into using IMAGES in Texas, or Dr. Snyder in Denver, or Dr's located in Omaha at St. Joseph Hospital. That should keep the fates busy for a while huh?
I can't believe I will have to complete three more sets of paperwork and insurance mess...but so it goes...this will surely be a trial and testing of my patience and desire to do this.
Anyway...I got tons of support from people on this site while I was wigging out yesterday, and that was so nice since most of them know exactly what I am dealing with. This place is so great. Now I am back to the waiting...nagging my phychologist for the eval...waiting for insurance and waiting for my appointment...wouldn't it be great if insurance approved before my appointment?? I would love that.
Which reminds me that I have to supply a certificate of creditable insurance to BC/BS to prove my insurance didn't lapse between my old job and this one...which is funny cuz I had double coverage for like a whole month...but if I don't supply it I have to wait for six months "waiting period" which would be until July and I don't think I really can wait that long without losing it on someone...but it could happen I guess. Well, if you are reading this...keep me in your prayers!
02-19-2002
I can't begin to describe how much this waiting period SUCKS! Yes, it's rude, but I said it and I'd say it again it SUCKS!! I have never been a patient person and as many people here have said, perhaps that's the reason I am overweight to begin with. After the big blow of losing Dr. Mitchell as my surgeon I sent a letter to his office detailing my complaints to him. He called my house yesterday but I missed him.
I called New Start again today and they have not moved even one baby step closer to doing anything with my insurance which makes me so MAD!! I put in another call to Dr. Mitchell and am waiting to hear back from him later today I hope. I want to know what the hell is going on down there...
Okay, now for the WIERD thing that happened last week. Right after I found out that Dr. M. was having a nervous breakdown or something...I began to search for a doctor again. I started at the very beginning on the "Find a Doc" page and began scouring through the names there...making a circle around my home area and it was so depressing to start over and find out who I couldn't use due to insurance, and who had long wait times and who had all these pre-requisites just to SEE the doctor and it was so horrible.
I was calling doctors in Denver and all of a sudden my phone rang...it was Brenda from a Dr. Snyder's office in Denver (believe it or not) and apparently I had called them in the beginning and they were working the whole time to get me scheduled all on one day so I could come to Denver and see the doc., go to a lecture, get a psych. eval., get pulmonary testing...and they were calling to tell me they finally had it all done for March 21st. It was sort of unbelievable.
I am a strong believer in not exactly fate, or destiny, but I believe that powers greater than myself help us along in our life, and if for some reason Dr. Mitchell is not the doctor for me then apparently they are guiding me to Dr. Snyder...which is fine and works for me. It was just so ODD that I was calling Denver doctors and the phone rang...etc. I am bummed that I have to wait now until March 21st, but my moto is "Everything happens for a reason." And if I truly believe that I have to trust it.
It's funny now how this has become such a part of my life. I have allowed it to be like a real life thing for me and not just a fantasy. I was reading "Dana and David's" page and wishing that I could meet someone ... now or later who would love me. I am tired of being alone, but at the same time not secure enough in who I am to find someone. It's hard. If the fates are reading this...could you please hurry things along a little? I'd appreciate it.
02-15-2002
I called "New Start" yesterday afternoon to speak to them about where my status is...only to learn that after two entire weeks it has gone NOWHERE!!! The lady in the office hasn't even called my insurance company to verify coverage yet...I wanted to scream and cry at the same time.
I have done all the "prep" work I thought I could do...I've seen the doctor, had my psych evaluation, got the paperwork back to them within three days of them sending it to me...and they said "Well she's very busy and has a large case load." For a phone call? It takes two friggin weeks?? I am very upset and sending a letter to Dr. Mitchell's office today via fax to let him know. They are holding up the ENTIRE process with this...and I am not at all happy about it.
02-07-2002
(Some of this is a repeat of what I have in my surgeon info. below)
Well...met with the doctor yesterday *BRIEFLY* It was sort of disappointing after all the excitement of waiting for it. I had to get to the airport an hour early (10:45am) take an hour flight to St. Louis, take a taxi ($25) to the hospital and then wait in the waiting room for an HOUR and a HALF (I arrived 1/2 hour early even). The waiting room was PACKED with people, it was hot, and silent, and I hated sitting there for so long.
They pulled me into the back, weighed me and then asked me if I wanted to share my meeting with Dr. Mitchell since they were so busy. I was not happy with this option but didn't want to wait any more and miss my appointment altogether because I had to leave for my flight home in just over an hour. So I agreed.
Dr. Mitchell met with myself and one other woman and he asked basic health questions, he showed what he would do and asked us if we had questions, which I did...so I found out that he does the gastric bypass, and will do a tummy tuck at the same time which increases surgery time by 1 hour. He uses dissolving stitches, not staples so you don't have to go through that mess. He uses the stomach tube and said count on 3-5 days hospital stay. He uses the morphine pump as well as an epidural if you get the tummy tuck done (which I definately will).
It was hard to be frank and honest with some stranger in the room, so I witheld a lot of my questions. He finally seemed like he was ready for us to leave after like 1/2 an hour and that was it...no blood pressure, no physical...nothing. So I paid $126 for a ticket, $60 in cab fare, $15 co-pay, $10 for airport food and $3 for parkng for him to tell me basically what I had learned at this site. They said now it's a waiting game (big surprise) and that when everything was approved it would be about a month until surgery.
I wasn't thrilled with the experience, but still feel that I trust Dr. Mitchell as a surgeon and that's what I am hiring him to do I guess. Now I have to have my psych eval. on Monday the 11th...I am a little worried that they will find out that I am depressed or anxiety ridden...which I am to some extent. I don't know why, but I feel so disappointed after my appointment. I think maybe I wanted to feel special or something, and I don't, and I didn't and I'm just not sure what to make of that...
I am trying to deal with so many of the issues that keep coming up for me...like having to realize that I don't have a man in my life because of my attitude or my subconscious energies about it...not because I am overweight...cuz lots of overweight women have men in their life.
A feeling of desperation that if I don't have the surgery my life will be horrible forever...which is so crazy...but it's amazing how focused you become on things and you just lose touch with reality I think.
So now I'm just waiting...
02-04-2002
I am down today...not much happening right now and I am waiting, waiting, waiting to hear about my insurance. I called New Start on Thursday of last week and they said they still had not received my paperwork (after 2 weeks??) but I faxed it all over to them (thank God I kept a copy)...and they promised to expedite it.
I have my first doctor appointment in 2 days...and I am nervous and excited and terrified that he will look at me and go "Nope, not fat enough" lol - that would be a first, huh? This site really keeps me going daily as it proves that dreams come true and that others are waiting with me...and that soon I will be on the other side...as a loser...lol!!
Friday night (at dinner of course at Applebees) I told my father and step mom of my plans, and as I teared up I told them I needed them to be supportive of me...which they agreed to do..I expected more of a struggle from them and almost fell over...but historically my father and I have always had a rough relationship. I still feel 5 years old around him, and it was so very HARD to tell him and wait for him to freak out and start yelling...but he didn't and he will never know how much that means to me.
So now most of the important people in my life know what I have planned, and it is just a matter of waiting for the surgery time to roll around. It seems that it will be forever...even though I know I can handle it. I am going to my first support group meeting tonight...not at the hospital where I will have surgery, but it's local and convenient and I thought it would be a great way for me to feel more like an active part of the process.
01-28-2002
I have to say that the waiting period is about to kill me. I have a week and 3 days until my initial Doctor visit. I have done the paperwork for insurance...there is nothing to do now but dream and wait. It seems to be consuming my thoughts and my life.
My sister made a comment this weekend that I was obsessing...but I wanted to tell her I have been obsessing about my weight my whole life (on the inside). I am trying to talk about it with my family so they will understand what concerns I am having and what struggles I think I will be facing. I am not sure that she has much empathy for me...but she just doesn't know how hard the waiting is...yet...but she will because she plans to have the surgery this summer when school is out.
I read over the profiles and Q&A sections on this site every day, and it's as close as I can get to feeling that I am part of the whole process right now. I also feel that my eating has been out of control due to the fact that I know I won't be able to eat everything that I love once I have the surgery. I mean, I really want to have the surgery, but I am dying inside when I think of missing out on the foods I love...guess that's what makes me an addictive personality. I know it will all be worth it when my ex-fiance sees me for the first time in 2 years and I am down 80 pounds or more....I will love it!!
01-22-2002
Today I am writing to a lot of women on this site, trying to find some new friends, get some advice, soothe some fears and basically just waste some time until I hear from someone about my insurance...or my doctor visit date arrives. I feel...scared, nervous, excited, hopeful, and like my life has gone "widescreen" when I imagine all that will be available to me to achieve and to experience as a thinner person. What a blessing to have this surgery available. America is a wonderful place to live!
01-21-2002
Well, I have been doing more and more research online, and some of it scares the crap out of me. Mostly because I am a healthy (relatively) woman right now and I just pray that this surgery doesn't mess me up somehow. I keep thinking about all the things that will change when I am thin, and at the same time mourning the foods I won't be able to eat. It's a double edged sword to be sure. I sent off my packet to New Start today. That was scary as they are the ones who do the letter to the insurance company. If all goes well, I could have pre-approval before I even see my doctor which would be really bizarre!!
Trying to figure things out...like who will stay with me for three days while we have three babies at home who need care. What will I do once I get home and can't hold them or lift them... I have to take a month off from a brand new job... a lot of scary stuff that I have to turn over to God.
01-17-2002
I am getting really sick and nervous because things seem to be moving along so well. I got a call from one of the doctor's offices today and they can move my appointment up one entire week earlier!! So I have an appt. in St. Louis on February 6th and one in Chicago February 7th...I can't decide if I should just go see both of them and then make a decision or what...sigh.
Also, got my BC/BS info into their system today finally and when I called I found out that I am covered for all of the surgeries as long as they are proven medically necessary which was such a relief because I was terrified they would be excluded somehow. They could not say for sure if I need to see a dietician or a physchiatrist but I am going to do it anyway because I want all the bases covered and no stone left unturned (continue with stupid sayings...lol).
I am also a little nervous about having to take time off from a brand new job when the surgery is approved but I don't care what I have to say...they will be happier when I am thin and so will I!! I am trying to get my old dieting records together and my chiropractor reports and such so I will have them if I should need them. It's very hard to try to PROVE that you are fat. It's like saying you failed and having to admit to shit that you usually sweep under the rug and pretend it isn't really true about yourself. In some ways this is harder than being inconspicuously fat and ignored.
Already looking forward to doing things like going to my 15 year class reunion this summer, and visiting my friends in Boston to show off the new me (who was hiding under all this fat all the time anyway). It's crazy to dream ahead I suppose, but I can't help it...I have dreamed of being thin my entire life and to think that it could be one year away is just enough to make me SCREAM with excitement!!
01-16-2002
I have just dedicated this week of my life to doing this! I am very nervous, excited, hopeful...feeling very weepy over all of the upcoming things I will experience. I have researched, found 2 doctors...can't decide which one to use and am wondering how anyone ever makes this decision. It was amazing to me how many doctors offices I called and the people were rude or unfriendly or basically trying to make it as difficult as possible for a new patient to come and see them. And waiting for like six months just to get in? Give me a break!!! Don't they know fat people are compulsive?? LOL
I am taking it upon myself to get a psych eval and see a dietician hopefully before my initial surgeon appt. I am working on my own letter for medical necessity, and trying to get some medical records rounded up and in one central location (namely my own hands) showing when I was on diet pills and such. It is sort of a lonely place to be because I haven't wanted to speak to my friends about it at all yet, and my family is behind me but just biding time I think while they wait to see if I just got a wild hair or if I'm serious. Well, that's it for now...
What would I pass on to any one who is just beginning and is reading this?? Go through the entire site and squeeze the resources from it!! There is so much helpful information here and it's all free for the taking!! So many wonderful people and great success stories. Call around to many doctors! Especially if your insurance allows for nationwide coverage!!
Insurance/Surgeon Info
**02-21-2002**
I am now researching a place called "Images" in Texas. They apparently pay for your travel and your stay with them...which would really be a nice change. I am keeping my appointment with Dr. Snyder, and have also set up an appointment to see Dr. Jacobs/Gaines at St. Joseph Hospital here in Omaha. That appointment is not until April, so we'll see what happens before then.
**02-19-2002**
I am in the process of switching doctors...I have not decided whether I will be working with Dr. Michael Snyder or if I am going to let Dr. Mitchell's office switch me over to Dr. G. I will have to let you know when I decide...I am not a happy girl right now.
**02-07-2002**
Well...met with the doctor yesterday *BRIEFLY* It was sort of disappointing after all the excitement of waiting for it. I had to get to the airport an hour early (10:45am) take an hour flight to St. Louis, take a taxi ($25) to the hospital and then wait in the waiting room for an HOUR and a HALF (I arrived 1/2 hour early even). The waiting room was PACKED with people, it was hot, and silent, and I hated sitting there for so long.
They pulled me into the back, weighed me and then asked me if I wanted to share my meeting with Dr. Mitchell since they were so busy. I was not happy with this option but didn't want to wait any more and miss my appointment altogether because I had to leave for my flight home in just over an hour. So I agreed.
Dr. Mitchell met with myself and one other woman and he asked basic health questions, he showed what he would do and asked us if we had questions, which I did...so I found out that he does the gastric bypass, and will do a tummy tuck at the same time which increases surgery time by 1 hour. He uses dissolving stitches, not staples so you don't have to go through that mess. He uses the stomach tube and said count on 3-5 days hospital stay. He uses the morphine pump as well as an epidural if you get the tummy tuck done (which I definately will).
It was hard to be frank and honest with some stranger in the room, so I witheld a lot of my questions. He finally seemed like he was ready for us to leave after like 1/2 an hour and that was it...no blood pressure, no physical...nothing. So I paid $126 for a ticket, $60 in cab fare, $15 co-pay, $10 for airport food and $3 for parkng for him to tell me basically what I had learned at this site. They said now it's a waiting game (big surprise) and that when everything was approved it would be about a month until surgery.
I wasn't thrilled with the experience, but still feel that I trust Dr. Mitchell as a surgeon and that's what I am hiring him to do I guess. Now I have to have my psych eval.
**Update**
The doctors office called me and moved my appointment to February 6th!! YEAH! Only - um - 11 days until I meet with him!
**01/2002**
I have not yet met with Dr. Mitchell. My appointment is on February 11th and I am very excited. His office manager Donna was so polite and kind on the phone it was amazing after some of the rude and completely bitchy people I dealt with in other offices. I have called around to no less than 20 doctors offices in the Omaha, Kansas City, Chicago, Davenport, Minneapolis, Denver, Scottsbluff area.
I have found that to date, Dr. Mitchell's office was the most informative, positive, polite and helpful. Their wait was much shorter than most other office and that's a nice surprise when you finally make the decision to follow through with the surgery. It's hard to believe, but many of the offices I called actually discouraged me from even coming to their office because I don't have horrible health problems yet...in my mind isn't it better to try and fix the problems before they start? Or do I have to wait and have a heart attack before I am a good candidate? Ha Ha...
I will be sure to keep this updated because these have been incredibly interesting and helpful for me ove the last week or so as I have gotten serious about this whole process.
Blue Cross/Blue Shield - Blue Preferred
BC/BS – Blue Preferred
Spoke to Shannon at 1-888-930-2583 on 2/20/2002 at 3pm.
She said I need a certificate of creditable coverage from my old insurer.
Then I need to send that to the medical support area where it will be reviewed to determine if my 6 month waiting period can be cut shorter or eliminated.
She gave me this address:
BC/BS
P.O. Box 3248
Omaha, NE 68180
I spoke to Candace on 02/20/2002 at 3:15pm to ask her if my letter offering me COBRA coverage would be good enough since it states when my policy will lapse. She said it MAY be enough but she would recommend getting the certificate from Mutual of Omaha.
She also gave me this fax #402-343-3525 to expedite the handling once I get a letter from Mutual of Omaha, and told me to add my policy number to move things along.
I called Mutual of Omaha and spoke to Janna at 1-800-327-8870 on 2/20/02, she was unable to help me out, but referred me to another number (800-365-1181) where eligibility issues and premium issues are handled.
I called that number and they were unable to help me and they referred me to 402-351-3219. I do not remember the lady’s name at this number, but they said they would send the letter out today or tomorrow and I should have it within one week.
January 2002
I have called them a couple of times to find the answers to what is actually covered, and so far they can't help me much because this is a brand new policy and I don't even have a policy number yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will live up to my expectations!!
