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February '03

02/02/03 (1:30 PM):It's funny, you know. I was going right out of depression and now I'm right back into it. Don't you love the world? Love...perhaps I shouldn't even use that word anymore. However, there is a different feeling with all that is going on. The feeling of some sort of evil slowly creeping back into my heart to take it over now that good has failed in its aspects. So not only am I depressed, but now I'm just plain pissed off at the world, and I don't care if I show that either. Life is a game, I have lost. There's really nothing else I can say. I know they say you only lose the game of life when you die, but I already feel dead. It's like my spirit has given up and I'm just waiting for the time to come when my physical self will die away. So the moral of life is this: Life sux, it always has and always will. When people say don't worry, it'll only get better, that's bull. The only time life will ever get better is when one dies. So, if you people think you can cheer me up with false hope crap like that, forget it. And if you people think you can fix my problems and that you want to help and make everything better for me and get me out of this mood, forget it. Because I'm sick of cooperating and ending up back where I began with more heartache. So...screw u all.

02/08/03 (9:35 PM):Well, it's kinda weird to say this, but I read my last entry...and kinda laugh, b/c after all I am right back in this crap hole spot only to be put back into pain and depression sometime soon. Especially since today is gay day, the day of the dance. The day where people who have other people, couples, loved ones, etc. go to some gay place (which happens to be our school this time) and...dance, talk, flirt, and whatever. It only disgusts me b/c I have no one. Heck, I'm sure I wouldn't mind it as much if I were there with a person I love, but then again, that's not going to happen. Ah well, some people get a great life, some don't. I realize it will get better, even though it's hard to see that now. I will live life a different way, I'm sick of being so shy. I need to be more outgoing, more...fun-loving. I don't know, I don't think I get a lot of life nowadays. I should change that, become more happy, whatever. A process which will take time, but I'm sure it's possible. Well, I bid u all farewell for now. Night.

02/10/03 (9:15 PM):CONFUSION!!!!!

02/14/03 (10:30 AM):Well, yesterday evening was somewhat interesting. I went with the Language Clubs to Kent for ice skating. I only fell once, b/c ANDY wouldn't get out of the way, but that's besides the point. Yup, I even got to understand someone better who came as well. Now...I have a good reason not to like that person. Anyhoo, today is none other than gay day. What other day would that be besides Valentine's Day? A day to which I think should not exist. After all, if love is nonexistent, there is no purpose for this useless holiday. And for all those who sent me cards or are thinking of doing so...I appreciate the thought, but I don't believe in Valentine's Day. Well, today is loner's night out. I plan on getting some grub and seeing a movie with a pal of mine. Nothing else to report today, except for some stupid reason my heart is sore. I mean no connection of that and anything else. Out of all seriousness, it is hurting me and I haven't the slightest clue why. Ah well, if it kills me, it kills me. It's not like I'm not ready to die. Well, that'll be all for today. Talk to ya'll later.

02/15/03 (10:20 PM):Great day! I feel absolutely great! Explain later! Night!

02/18/03 (10:00 PM):Well, I was happy, but fo course that never lasts long. Now I'm back to the same old apathetic person who could care less what happens to his already crappy life, and could care less about the things we once tried to care about, but only got in fights b/c of it. So screw you all!

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