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Home There's no place like it Euro 2004 Updated 10:00, Sat 4 June 2004! Predictions League 2003-04 The most famous Belgian of them all! Predictions League 2002-03 All hail the Bluenose big cat! World Cup 2002 Mr Percy's finest hour! |
Predictions League 2003-04 Season WEEK 34 (IT'S ALL OVER!) So this is how it ends! The greatest season in the history of the PL comes to a conclusion after 34 dramatic weeks, and standing tall and proud at the end of it all is one PLer. He has shown qualities as yet unsuspected among the players of this league. He has demonstrated not just the ability to build up a fifteen-point lead over his nearest rivals at one point, but also the sheer guts needed to fight back to win the league having watched that lead slowly fritter itself away, week after week, month after month. Anyone can get on a run of form. The mark of a true champion, however, is to win the crucial points even when out of form. The Blackburn-Birmingham won't live long in anyone else's memory, but that drab 1-1 was the game that won him the championship. STAND UP AND TAKE A LONG SERIES OF BOWS, PL Champion 2003-04, the one, the only, Belgian Blue (clap clap clap !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) If the Brussels Bovine can improve on his mystifyingly poor Champions League form, then next year immortality beckons. A worthy winner, Blue is without doubt the ARSENAL of this season's PL. If Blue is the champion, however, there is a player this season who may consider himself to have gained even more. Traditionally one of the league's smallest clubs, his title challenge was greeted at first with little more than fond smiles and patronising encouragement. Over the long weeks of spring, though, he showed that he was deadly serious in his attempt to win the PL crown, and the way he chipped his Belgian rival's lead away to nothing is a feat which will live long in the memory of all who were privileged to witness it. He may have stumbled at the last, but he has proved once and for all that he is a player to be reckoned with, and the runner's-up medal and his first ever place in Europe are at least some reward for the pleasure he has given us. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the biggest improver in PL history, the CHELSEA of this season, the indomitable, indefatigable Mekka! Third place goes to the league's Mr Consistency. No one knows what Doug Whiskers does when he sets off each morning for Canary Wharf with his trademark cans of Stella in his pockets, but one thing's for sure, when it comes to the PL, the Bearded One is always on the money. Even an appalling start which saw him at rock bottom for most of the autumn wasn't enough to throw his stride when push came to shove at the end of the season. Opinion is divided as to whether he needs to drink more Stella or less if he's to actually lift the PL crown itself, rather than, as this season, hang around its vicinity without really threatening. His extensive losses column is the area he needs to turn into profit if he's to achieve this aim. One thing's for sure; whatever the challenges next time, the league's own MAN U will be there or thereabouts. There is one player, however, for whom this season has surpassed his wildest dreams. Like Mekka, traditionally there or thereabouts only when it came to the wooden spoon, the league's smallest club has had the season of his young career. His achievement is all the more stunning given the heartbreaking setback of finishing last of all last season. Always the league's most attractive predictor, he is determined to succeed in the PL only on his own terms, and this year he has done just that. Holding his nerve in the final work, the littlest PLer has come up big to take fourth spot. Next year he'll be hoping for a Champions League victory to finally wipe away the stain of the wooden icon next to his name, but for now Uncle Wrinkle is just happy to be on the biggest club stage of all, and no-one in the PL, apart from Mr Percy, would begrudge him that in the slightest. The PL's very own CHARLTON, this has most definitely been the Year of the Uncle. Indeed, one of the most refreshing about this season has been the long-awaited revenge of the little clubs. When Herthinho wrote in week 19 that that week's points haul had kept in European contention, 'in his mind, if no-one else's', frankly he was just keeping his spirits up. To his delight, however, no sooner was this prophecy uttered than it set about almost coming true. At the end of last season, the Berlin Bear vowed to stop pussy-pawing about and concentrate on getting results. That's exactly what he did, and although this approach led to his losing out on his dire goals scored total at the end of the season, even being in contention for European gold on the last day is a major step forward for him. Expectations of a season-long relegation battle disappeared in the spring sunshine, and the PL's ASTON VILLA will be going into next season with his head, and his hopes, held high. With all this small-club dominance, there has to be a loser, and this year's faller is last season's champion hurdler, Jag. His last-day gamble didn't come off, and like other predictions this season, the rub of the green that made him so unbeatable last year was conspicuously missing in this one. He was, of course, Belgian Blue's main rival in the autumn, but a post-Christmas fade cost him dearly, and now he's got nothing but domestic football to look forward to next season. The silver lining for him is perhaps his new baby daughter, Alexandra. She may only be a few months old, but she's already demonstrating some precocious predicting talent. Like the LIVERPOOL side he has resembled so much this season, the Bluenose big cat won't want another season like this. Newcomer Spartak, by contrast, will be looking for more of the same after an impressive first campaign. Though he came up short at the last, he was in with a shot at Europe all season long, and for a first-timer, the Ice-Cold Ivan from the Irish PL proved remarkably adept at adjusting to the fast pace of the greatest PL of them all. He's shouted his message to the older, more experienced players below him, and next year he may get to shout even louder still. The PL's POMPEY, he looks to have what it takes to go even higher still. All of the players mentioned so far can consider themselves to have had a halfway decent season. The same unfortunately cannot be said, however, of Mr Percy. The league's #1 Badd Boi ® has had a rotten season, and mid-table Nowheresville is his meagre reward. The glory days of his World Cup 2002 win seem little more than a distant memory now, and just like his beloved TOTTENHAM, Percy is a big club in major decline. Next year will either see him fall apart totally or finally turn his PL career around. The one shred of consolation from the Bad Boy's decline has been its effect on his predictions; as his form has gone from bad to worse, a certain gallows humour, not to mention slight insanity has crept into his tipping. This process culminated in the following wonderfully subtle double prediction: Aston Villa 3 Man Utd 1 Villa enjoy a final flourish and finish 5th. O'Leary is deified, Ferguson is vilified and has to go (to the offy and get some more booze), the p*ssed, purple faced, sweaty tw*t. Arsenal 3 Leicester City 1 Nervous Ars*nal just about get that unbeaten record, but it was closer than it looks. A highly-deserved Tip of the Season, but Percy knows he will have to do better in terms of results next year. Another big name in freefall is Pi. The glory days of European competition never looked like materialising this season, as his ever-eccentric predicting style finally came unstuck. With resources limited by his new job, there is little grounds for optimism in terms of doing any better next year, so it will be a summer of trading on past glories for the Leicester Cheesemonger this year. He may have avoided bottom spot this time, but the PL's EVERTON will perhaps be the most worried player of all come the big domestic kick-off next April. Last, however, and most certainly least this season, comes the vale of tears that is Freddie's Dad. It is now official: not only has the league's first attempt at co-management ended in the wooden spoon, the experiment has also been definitively brought to an end. For the Euro 2004, two separate teams, MK Freddie and AFC Freddie's Dad, will be competing. The three points gained from the winning cup final may not have been enough to prevent them from receiving the icon of shame next to their name, but they at least provided some hope for the coming solo adventures. Every point is also useful in terms of the Eternal Table. For the PL's WOLVES, this has been a season in which they were outclassed. It therefore only remains to quote the theme song of the Dad's favourite politician: wipe away those tears, Team Freddie, because, Things Can only get better... Can only get better... Now I've found you... The PL Tomorrow's another year, and in a few short weeks battle will be resumed once more. I'll see you all in Portugal, but for the moment, they think it's all over... IT IS NOW! H
*** CLICK ON THE PLAYER NAME TO READ THEIR PROFILE *** The rules are simple: 3 points for the exact score, 1 for the right result. Level points and its Goals Scored, then Goal Average, then Most Games Won that decides. At stake is the 3rd PL League Trophy - it's the one that every child in the world dreams of lifting. The winner at the end of the championships also gets a replica shirt of their choice. There's also a potentially highly lucrative prize for the runner-up, however, and the lucky qualifiers who got a Champions League spot last time will each be hoping one of their two picks will win the CL and thus also win them the coveted PL Champions League trophy. Let battle commence... Jaguar: Real Madrid(DOH!) and Man U(DOH!) Doug Whiskers: Juve(DOH!) and Deportivo(DOH!) Pi: Inter(DOH!) and Chelsea(DOH!) Belgian Blue: Bayern(DOH!) and Marseilles(DOH!) Mr Percy: Milan(DOH!) and Lazio(DOH!) PS - As no-one has managed to predict the winner correctly this year, the money that would have been spent on the trophy rolls over to Portugal. PL Euro 2004 - It's The Biggest PL Yet!!! THE ETERNAL TABLE
The Eternal Table is perhaps the truest measure of success in the PL. It is updated at the end of each tournament and gives not the fleeting positions of form, but the permanent indications of class. This table takes into account the three PL tournaments so far completed (World Cup 2002 and the PLs 2002-03 and 2003-04). Having been updated, therefore, there are some important changes in the overall PL pecking order. Most importantly of all, previous all-time leader Jag is forced to hand over his crown to the magnificent Belgian Blue, who vaults from third to first on the back of his 2003-04 championship victory. This is not just the result of this season's heroics, but of his general heavy point scoring in all the PLs so far. Whereas the Bluenose Big Cat found the going tougher in his second season, the Brussels Bovine is quite simply the league's most consistent player, and his place at the top of the PL's ultimate table his just reward. Indeed, given that every single point always counts in the Eternal Table, Doug Whiskers will be rueing more than ever the terrible autumn that cost him second spot. He may have easily qualified for Europe in the end PL, but the gap that opened up between him and the very top is ultimately what cost him; he's not too far behind the leading two, but he'll need a decent Euro 2004 PL if the gap is not to grow further. The Bearded One's legendary nerves will also not have been improved by the prospect of this year's big winner, Mekka, hurtling up on the rails behind him. The Crafty Canadian has finally released himself from the death-clinch that saw him equal to Herthinho to the power of four decimal places up till now. His superb 2003-04 title challenge sees him leap from seventh to fourth in a single bound. The big question now, of course, is was this season a flash-in-the-pan, or is this new place in the Eternal Table a reflection of a new power in the league? Mekka's rise has the effect of knocking Pi down from a respectable fourth to a mediocre sixth, and the Leicester Cheesemonger will be concerned not to fall any further during the summer. He's in a real trough of form at the moment, though, so much so that he has even allowed Mr Percy to sneak above him into fifth spot. This is somewhat of a statistical oddity, given the lacklustre season endured by the reigning World Cup champion, but perhaps this is some indication that things are not as black for the PL's #1 Badd Boi ® as is sometimes painted in the media. Drunken riots on the beaches of Portugal are nothing new to him - will he be able to turn his ship around in the Euro 2004 PL? One player whose ship is already heading in the right direction is newbie Spartak. A first season challenge for Europe, however, translates only into seventh position in the ultimate PL ranking. This provides more ammunition for those who have argued that there has been a drop in the standard of the league this year, and certainly the Russian has lost out as a result of the decline in the average points haul from exactly 88 points in the 2002-03 PL to only 83.8 points in 2003-04. If, as with last year's newcomer Jag, the Ice-Cold Ivan finds his second season harder than his first, he could well be in Eternal trouble come May 2005. All of this has also put a slight dampener on the otherwise grizzly-sized sense of satisfaction Herthinho has been feeling at a 2003-04 campaign that saw him lose out on a Champions League spot only on goal difference. He can console himself, however, that despite actually falling a spot to eighth, he has at least pulled up to the bumper of those above him, and with a decent Euro 2004 PL, could at last leave the lower reaches for the glorious sunshine of the top half of the table. Uncle Wrinkle's ninth place in the Eternal Table, on the other hand, will not dampen the Medway Moptop's euphoria in the slightest. Not only has he had a great season, culminating in European gold, he is also one place better off than he was at the end of the 2002-03 season. Yes, he is officially no longer the worst PLer of all time, and if his beloved Liberal Democrats can complete the hat-trick by taking Maidstone and The Weald for the first time ever in the upcoming European elections, he will be the happiest uncle alive! This if course, leaves one candidate, or rather two, for the rock-bottom hell of tenth place. The disastrous joint-management system may be no more, but the mark of last place shame will follow the newly-separated Team Freddie onto the plane to Portugal like a big, black dog. From now on, it's each Freddie for themself, but the memory of their once-so-hopeful cooperation attempt will live on in this table, if nowhere else. Their fates are now intertwined for eternity, and they will be praying for some success to put right the wrongs of the past in the hot Iberian sun. They need something, anything, and - who knows? - with their new-found freedom, at the European championships, like the rest of us, they might just get find what they're looking for... See you all on the beach at Portugal 2004, H The PL - Not Just A Game, But A Way Of Life... THIS WEEK'S GUFF (Tributes from Sky's coverage of Martin Keown's testimonial) “He’ll pinch, pull, push, kick you, whatever it takes. A really great guy.” John Terry “He is always in your ear.” Ashley Cole “He always gives the new boys a good kick when they come.” Ray Parlour “He is a unique player. People who don’t know him maybe think he is some kind of lunatic.” Dennis Bergkamp Micky Quinn: “It was a stone bonking penalty.” Barry Davies: "I think you'll recall he (Canizares) missed the World cup through dropping a bottle of aftershave on his foot." Lawro: "He also missed out on a move to Cologne because of it I believe." Ian Holloway (QPR manager): "Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic. But those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round to my house and I will fight them." Henri Camara (Wolves): "The day I get my bearings back in front of goal, people won't be talking about Thierry Henry anymore - they'll be talking about me instead." Olly (again): "We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands." Motson: "I wonder will Edu go central and Gilberto push out to the right?" Lawro: "I don't know. I think they might just put Silva out right and shove Edu in beside Vieira." Motson: "Yes" Gerard Houllier: "I'm sorry to say but the football was fantastic and very entertaining." Big Niall Quinn: "Clinton likes to have his back up against the goalkeeper, to feel the defenders, and then come inside.” Big Quinny (again): "Brazil have just been touching their balls across the pitch for the last 5 or 10 minutes." Big Quinny (once more):"He comes inside, drops the shoulder, throws the leg over, and bang: the little leg-over. There will be kids all over Ireland trying that tomorrow." FA GUFF CUP: Tottenham Hotspurs versus Manchester City THE GAME KICKS OFF... Little Kev: "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona." David Pleat: "For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls." 1-0 SPURS! Little Kev: "I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really." David Pleat: "I was inbred into the game by my father." 2-0 SPURS! Little Kev: "A tremendous strike - which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off." David Pleat: "I think you'll find that was a last gasp hand-job on the line." 3-0 SPURS AT HALF-TIME! THE SECOND HALF RESUMES... David Pleat: "There's Thierry Henry, exploding like the French train that he is." Little Kev "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the dressing room." IT'S BACK TO 3-1! David Pleat: "Preki quite literally only has the one foot." Little Kev: "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg." 3-2 - GAME ON! David Pleat: "This is a real cat and carrot situation." Little Kev: "Nicholas Anelka left Arsenal for £23million and they built a training ground on him." 3-3 - CITY HAVE LEVELLED IT! David Pleat (panicking): "If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I'm sure they would be interested in these two centre-halves." Little Kev (closing in): "They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different." 4-3 TO CITY - UNBELIEVABLE - FOOTBALL IS THE WINNER HERE!!!! The Guardian: IRAQIS AIM TO SHOCK AND AWE ENGLAND Big Ron:"No way should any blame be attached to Walker there. He's entitled to chin the fella." Little Kev: "We don't get any marks for effort, like in ice skating.” Peter Reid: “If Anelka’s not active there, I’m not being racist, but I’m a Chinaman.” Little Kev (on the January transfer window): "Well that's like asking me who is on my Christmas card list. I sit down with the wife and I say 'did they send us one last year or this year', and if they haven't we rip the name up and throw it in the bin. But then, a couple of days after Christmas the card might arrive late so we do a card for them on the 28th and date it the 22nd and send it off and hope they don't notice...I haven't a clue what I'm talking about." Matthew Le Tissier:"I stayed at the Dell because I was happy being a big fish in a small pond.” Charlie Nicholas: “A very big fish. A whale maybe.” Le Tissier: “Whales Charlie, of course, are mammals.” Clive Allen: “The French as a nation, are flushed with top players.” Big Ron (on British players at the African Nations): If they go there why not stop their wages? Why don’t they play the tournament in the summer.” Gabby: “Well it does get very hot in the summer.” Ron: “That’s not an argument. They’re from there. They know how hot it is.” Gabby: “Well they haven’t all been brought up over there, Ron.” Ron: “Well if they’re not from there, what are they doing playing for them?” Gabby: “Well, what about the likes of Andy Townsend playing for Ireland?” Ron: “Andy doesn’t mind the heat in Ireland.” Gary Pallister: "The pitch has been fairly mashed up by the rugby, and that makes for a level playing field" Ray Stubbs: "How would you rate Jonathan Woodgate?" Peter Reid: "I'm a great lover, I've got to say." Gary Pallister (again): "Chris Sutton loves to feel you against him, loves the physical side and likes to get that hole." David Pleat: “The man we want has to fit a certain profile. Is he a top coach? Would the players respect him? Is he a nutcase?” David Pleat (again): "Our central defenders, Doherty and Anthony Gardner, were fantastic and I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other." AND OF COURSE... Kevin Keegan: “You can't play with a one armed goalkeeper… not at this level” |
*** CLICK HERE FOR THE ETERNAL TABLE - TRULY THE BEST MEASURE OF ANY PLER... ***
Man Utd 3 Millwall 0 DOWN WITH DENNIS WISE !!
I am the bear. HEAR-ME- -RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Cough.
Marvellous.
Here goes. Death or glory... Man Utd 2 Millwall 2 Never gonna happen, never gonna happen. But the Crafty Canadian plans to go out in a blaze of reckless glory. CHAAAAARRRRGGGGGE!!!!!! [Switches over to the Weather Channel...] See you all for Euro 2004! Mekka (PL Meister oder Vizemeister, 2003-04).
Man Utd 5 Millwall 0 This is the result football needs. Millwall are scum, no arguments. Man Utd are the landed gentry of the game and NEED to get this result to send that pikey Wise back home with nothing but his d*ck in his hands. All Millwall deserve is a right hammering on the pitch and then a battering off it. Hopefully they'll draw Partizan Belgrade in the Uefa Cup and try to kick off. The Yugoslav police don't mess about.
Man Utd 1 Millwall 0 No cup upset but should be a closer game than many expect (hopefully my 4th spot chasing rivals included)
Man Utd 2 Millwall 0 |
Wooden Spoon PL 2002-03
Tip of the Season PL 2002-03,
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Runner-Up PL 2003-04
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Winner World Cup 2002
CL Winner 2002-03
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Champion PL 2002-03