Losing my will at 10:03 a.m. - 11/9/02
Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan
14. Remember, Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away...
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
was God and I didn't!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup
- Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
- Procrastinate Now
- Rehab Is for Quitters
- My Dog Can Lick Anyone
- I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
- Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
- Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing
I was 15.
- ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
- West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
- MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
- STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
- They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
- Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
- POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
- FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
- HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
- A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
- The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
for a pig.
- WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Sequels You Won't See
10. Free Willy 6: Willy's Revenge
9. Star Trek: Journey to the Bottom of the Sewer
8. Beavis and Butthead Become Mature, Responsible Adults
7. Pocahontas Attacks!
6. Babe: Pig in the Meat-packing Plant
5. Godzilla Goes to Therapy
4. Night of the Living Jurassic Park Collectible Toys
3. Star Wars 27: Because You Just Can't Get Enough
2. Titanic 2: Sink Again
1. I Really Still Know What You Did Four Summers Ago (Or Was it Five?)
Most Bizarre Imaginary Talk Show Topics
10. Women Who Spend More Time with Their Hair Than They Do with Their Kids
9. Chickens Addicted to Gambling
8. Is Your Child Enjoying Homework Too Much?
7. "I'm Having an Affair-with the husband of My Mother's Only Daughter!" [*That's just not right... wouldn't that be your husband...*]
6. Dogs Who Dress as Cats
5. TV Violence: Can It Lead to Improved Test Scores?
4. "I Married a Can of Spam-and Now It Wants a Divorce!"
3. When Hamsters Join Gangs
2. People with Completely Normal Lives and No Problems Whatsoever
1. "I ruined My Life by Watching Too Many Talk Shows!"
Things I Wish I Knew Sooner
Don't drink grape juice while wearing a white shirt and driving to school.
Don't let your life wait for other people.
Dropping a celluar phone into a bathtub of water kinda kills the phone.
Your mother will find out if you dye your hair purple.
You haven't really lived until you've gotten a 48 on an Advanced Placement U.S. History test.
Don't ever fall in love with someone who is more than 1000 miles away from you. It's usually doesn't work.
Milk crates make boring pets.
If it hurts, DON'T DO IT AGAIN!
That which does not kill you will ultimately make you stronger.
Speaking in public gets easier with practice.
Don't sprint around a pool if you're trying to impersonate Jim from Huck Finn.
Ten years from now most of what we freak out about won't make any difference.
All that's gold doesn't glisten.
Zits always pop up when you really can't afford for them to pop up.
Always stay after class b/c that's where connections are made.
When in doubt, duck. When certain, don't bother, cuz you're already screwed.
While driving a car through a gate, always, ALWAYS make sure the gate is open! The consequences might be fatal to your car.
If you're not living (I mean really living), you're dead already.
Never pierce your belly button in the dark.
Just b/c someone flirts with you incessantly doesn't necessarily mean he or she likes you.
If your calculus teacher tells you to quit talking after a test or he'll give you a zero for you test grade, he means it. Really.
Sometimes smart people can do very, very stupid things.
Being nice to people will get you far.
The one person you can truly love is often right in front of you.
Never, ever, EVER let a member of the opposite sex make you compromise your standards. Never.
Nothing is ever too good to be true (said by Micheal Faraday).
If you start to like a girl, her roommate will immediately start liking you.
Parents aren't around forever, and you need to treasure them while they are.
When your parents are gone, you'll want to remember their constant whining and complaining.
Don't take the SAT twice if you already have a good score in the first place.
Never do something if the risk is greater than the reward.
Thinm carefully before you act.
Dreaming and doing go hand in hand.
Life moves fast, but not so fast that you can't slow down to enjoy it.
Instead of waiting for life to get better, do something about it.
You REALLY should do what needs to be done NOW, and not later. Procrastination is the easiest way, but not the most profitable.
If your intuition is telling you not to do something, then don't. Your intuition is not stupid!
Cereal is a vital staple food for all college students. Who cares how ridiculous you look eating it at 7:30 P.M.?
If he doesn't respect you, then he's not worth any of your time.
Learn to play the electric guitar: young women really dig it.
Don't juggle knives unless you're really, really good at it.
If at first you don't succeed, try agin. Then give up. No sense being ridiculous about it.
Sticking things up your nose isn't the smartest idea in the world.
You can't light fireworks in the basement and not get caught.
Hair is flammable. Very flammable.
Never ever trust your friend with a pair of scissors against your hair.
Dyeing hair strawberry blond that is already strawberry blond makes it turn strawberry pink.
White dogs and black pants don't mix.
God doesn't make junk!
Some day you will look back on this and it will all seem funny.
You never know when you're making a memory.
The heart does heal and you will love like this again-except that when you do, you'll deny that you every loved like this before.
Nothing matters if you don't have loved ones to share it with. Your siblings are incredibly precious. If you don't know this now, you will-trust me!
If you can laugh at yourself, you are going to be fine.
If you allow others to laugh with you, you'll be great!
If you ever get extremely angry at your computer and just want to throw it out the window, don't do it. You'll regret it. Trust me.
If you're walking on a golf course and someone yells Fore, trust me, get out of the way!
Kissing is the most fun thing. Dancing is almost as fun.
Pessimism & Optimism
- It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy.. but we'll work on it.
- No one else is listening, until you make a mistake.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
- He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
- Everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors.
- If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It doesn't matter if you win or lose.. until you lose.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, youíll have trouble putting on your pants.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
- I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
- At fifty, a man can be an ass without being an optimist, but never an optimist without
being an ass.
- Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
- Ignorance will take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.
- The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with them.
- Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
- If you took all the stupid people in the world... you'd have formed Rhode Island.
- Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
- The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
- I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
- Build a machine an idiot can use, and only an idiot will want to use it.
- Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?
- 7/5th of all people don't understand fractions.
- Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.
- Common sense isn't.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Iím not only weird. Iím gifted too.
- Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... Others just gargle.
- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
- I can't dial 911.. There's no 11 on my phone.
- It's okay to let your mind go blank; but please turn off the sound.
- A weak mind is like a microscope. It magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive
- By doing just a little each day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
- Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies mark it as at least a misdemeanor.
- He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really
is an idiot.
- For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.
- April 1st. The day we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
Insanity and Paranoia
- I am at one with my duality.
- I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
- I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive.
- I have this nagging suspicion that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
- Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say "Who do you think you are?"
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
- Madness has no purpose or reason; but it may have a goal.
- It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have doubts.
- Only the paranoid survive.
- I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.
- Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- Where would the world be without crazy people?
..Wait! Don't answer that.
- Even if you're paranoid.. maybe they really are after you.
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- There is a thin, red line between eccentricity and insanity.
That thin red line is a tiny pink dot to me.
- National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
- I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed.
- Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
- I'm trying to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
- Paranoid Schizophrenic: Are you staring at us?
- Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat.
- One doesnít have to live in constant fear, unless of course one suffers from
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