A couple of days ago I came across what is best described as a life altering moment: I discovered the possiblity of a ftm transsexual. It sounds dumb, but I'd never thought we existed. I just thought something was wrong with me. Now I am counting down until my graduation from high school, when I take my first biggest step: cutting my hair. My mom won't let me until after grad, and it would get my whole family pissed at me if I did. I've always been far more comfortable with guys than girls, and never gave it a second thought. On the other hand, I've always had very low self-esteem, and so conformed to what others thought made me look good: in other words, no one suspects I'm a guy. Only two people really know, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell my family. The past week or so has been almost euphoric; I'm actually looking forward to the future instead of trying to figure out new ways to kill myself. I'm not gonna put any pictures up, cause I don't have any more masculine ones. I've always acted really femme-y, and I do have "feminine" interests, like sewing,knitting,cooking, fashion design, but underneath it all I feel I should be a guy. An artistic guy, but still a guy. I think those interests are just other outlets for my art.
I know this website kinda sucks, but right now, it's one step at a time. Even though I just wanna jump with both feets right into this, I can't for social reasons. After high school is going to be my fresh start, starting university as who I really am.
Um, more things about just me are on my "girl" website. It's far more detailed on the personality aspects of myself. It has my femme-y pics too. My female name is Christine Suzanne, and I picked Dale Christopher because: Dale was my best friend growing up, and I think the name suits me; Christopher for those who have trouble adjusting to the real me, can call me Chris.
At this point, I have no idea where I'm going to end up. I've just started my journey of personal self-discovery, but it's gonna have to stay stalled for at least another month or so (which is frustrating the HELL out of me)
I'd love to talk to other ftm brothers out there, especially for support right now. I'm starting to act more naturally, and I'm already confusing people (trust me, read my other site, you'll know why)
May 15, 2002
Well, I'm excited. I told two more people today. And one of them is one of my exes (trevor)... lol. He took it remarkably well, once I told him "transgender" does not mean "hermaphrodite". The other one was an absolutly terrifc response, she said... get this... "so?" !!! I was so happy. Plus, my art teacher told us about the last big project we have to do: a self-portrait. Massive ugh. So... I think I've figured out a way to wheedle my way out of drawing my outward appearance, and more the way I'll look in a couple of weeks. I'll draw my face as is, and wear my boy clothes (well, I do anyways) then I'll do my hair shorter and add my new glasses. I want the hair and glasses of Aden... I don't remember where I found his picture, but it's of one of the other transguy sites. It's on a page with many pictures of fellow boys. Anyways, I'm going to go and play DiabloII (my one true love... sigh)
May 16, 2002
Told my mom today...*releases deep breath* And she doesn't really care. She doesn't think I should tell my siblings, let them just figure it out, or my dad, cause he's a fucking asshole. I wasn't planning on telling him anyways. Let him figure it out himself once I change my name, lol. Apparently, I would have been named Christopher had I been born biologically male, so the name I chose seems to work all around. Found out that my ex is dating someone else now... it kinda bugs me... not that I have feelings for him or anything, just that I've been replaced. *sigh* I've got such an ego problem.
May 17, 2002
Woo, it was OPY tonight... the GLHS youth group. Bobbi, an mtf who volunteers there, had a nice long talk with me, and she got me hooked up with another ftm who lives out in Unity, SK. We're gonna meet next friday, yippee. Bobbi offered to talk to my mom for me, if my mom has any questions. She also told me about connections I should make in Saskatoon, like the GLBT centre at the University of Saskatchewan (I'm going there next year, to study biotechnology). She also gave me the name of a therapist who specializes in gender issues, Donna H-something.
Oh, another big thing: my first time in total boy clothes (yay!), well, except underwear. I didn't have to bind either, and I just looked a kinda fat, but big deal.
May 18, 2002
I slept all day today... it was so much fun. I haven't been getting much sleep lately, cause the only 'safe' time to use the internet (read: without anyone looking over my shoulder) is late at night. I made my "little buddy" (packer) today. I'm proud of it. I used the hair-gel-in-condoms method, but with a few changes. I used some Scotch tape to help give the penis some shape, wrapped it around the shaft. it worked quite well. then I cut up an old pair of pantyhose (like I'll need them in the future), and put the balls in one toe, and the penis in the other, and tied the whole deal together, then sewed it to the top of the pantyhose (with the legs cut off). Now I can be sure it's not gonna fall out or something equally as embarrasing. Now I gotta get up the courage to actually wear it.
May 22, 2002
I am such a pussy, holy crap. Trevor has a new girlfriend, and they go around making out everywhere in school, and it really really fucking hurts. I pretty much hide out in the art room now. Dammit, I hate boys. Why do I date people? Fuck. Yesterday Ryan pointed out that I'm not going to be getting nearly as much sexual attention after I start the transition... and that hurts, alot, cause I'm already really insecure. Right now, I'm getting depressed again, and I just want to hole up in my room and never come out again. And aftergrad... ugh. Yeah, let's go and watch Trev fondle his gf... dammit. I'm really frustrated and really depressed today.
June 4, 2002
Told my psychiatrist, and she confirmed everything. I got a referal to Donna Hendrichson, and I no longer have to see Dr. Chandran (shrink). Plus, she's taking me off Paxil... I'm VERY happy about that. I hated being on mood drugs... plus they didn't work. Kinda bouncing around today... Yay. It's been a great week, except today my backpack got stolen >:(
June 6, 2002
WOOT!!!! I cut my hair today... check me out. Hopefully I'll have all the pics up by Saturday, cause it's not my digital camera, it's Gillian's. Plus I gotta get pics of my girlfriend... cause she's the best. Also, I shaved for the first time today (my face).
That gave me mixed feelings. Well, firstly, I'm ecstatic, cause, yay. But then, I started thinking about my dad. Cause you know, your dad is supposed to show you how to shave and stuff... it's kinda a bonding moment. And I don't get that. I guess I kinda miss him. Well, not really him, but more the idea of a father. I miss having a dad. I need some kind of positive male role model, cause frankly, I don't really have one *sigh* :(
On a happier note, I look sexy. *rawr*
June 23, 2002
Well, Pride parade was yesterday... go and look at my webjournal for more abotu Pride specifically.
Ok, so last Friday, I was meandering around the mall, killing itme before I was supposed to meet Buster (Ryan).I must say, I was passing really really well that day. No one batted an eye when I used the men's room (something that I usually panic about), and plus, several clerks called me "sir", which was euphoric. But then they heard me speak, and quickly said "ma'am" as many times in a sentence as they could, and I was just thinking "f*cker! I almost passed." I was passing pretty good at the parade too, you can bet it wasn't the lesbians who were checking my out. ;) (Heh. That emoticon always makes me laugh, it's like he has something in his eye ->;0 - Ah fucking hell, that hurts!!!) But anyway, yes. I was really happy, until at the dance, and this guy I was joking flirting with, introduced me to his mom as a girl. I was crestfallen, but later on, I met a brother. And we made history.
