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.-i'm not here to bash anyone, or to get "my side" of the story straight, because quite honestly, i don't give a flying f**k what anyone else thinks and you people don't know me anyway. i have a small part of my strength back [hey, i'm doing some of the best graffix i've ever done in my LIFE!!] and i intend to progress from this point on and not let selfish, unthinking people who claim to .-love-. me stop me from getting better-. | .-no promise, mind you that i will actually GET better, but i won't keep being dragged back to square one, either and by the gods, i deserve better!!-. .-i'm not saying any of those hateful things against anyone, but if they fit, and they hit home, then by all means, do apply them to yourself and know your reflection for what it is, a callow, shallow, fallow piece of shit which, when caught in a lie of infedelity, it lies even more to cover the beginning lie-. .-ok, sure. it was just an "internet relationship." wtf did i expect, right? what i ~expected, knowing him as well and as long as i did..was the caring, sharing, loving, sweet, kind and gentle God i fell in love with. you all know what i'm talking about. he makes every woman he speaks with believe that the lies he tells are true. he squeezes your hand and cuddles you softly and kisses you on the palm and makes you need to believe that the words and soft gentle sweetness come from his heart and not his greed. so let me tell you girls right now, that is not who he was with me. oh at first, aye. but he lied to me from the first as well so the love i thought i had with him was nothing but a lie. what i got was a cheater, a liar, and a coward who ran rather than face me and what he had done-. .-well, now that the shoe's on the other foot, how does it feel? two can play your game, and i really don't mind telling you that i never thought of you. not once. that's right. i was selfish and lying and scheming and manipulative, just like you were. but at least ~i~ have the guts to stand here and say, YES! I DID IT! I AM ALIVE AND I FUCKING DID IT! justification? i don't need any, just like i don't need to be validated by you or anyone else. wtf?! you never claimed me in public anyway-. .-you said all i had to do was say that i didn't love you anymore and i wanted you to leave. ok. hey. you listening? i don't love you anymore and i want you to leave-. .-i gave you every opportunity to fix this. i waited for you day after day to try to work on this, but you ran. you bash others for doing the same juvenille shit you've done to me, so i'm sick of hearing how you feel and what you want. those things no longer are my concern-. .-the sad part-. .-i still love him, even though he completely murdered the ~in love part..and i've had enough of trying to get it back by myself. don't you even ~dare come to me now. don't you even ~think of wanting to talk now. it's too little, and it's waaaaay too late-. .-actually, all things considered, you were pretty good to me. at least the lies you told were the product of enough caring that they were believable. love. adore. cherish. bah! i'm finished trying with someone who has all the pretty words, and can't even stick around to work out what he claims is the great love of his life-. .-wish i could say i was sorry, but somehow, about the 6th time i tried to die over the pain of what you put me through, i realized that this was over. didn't you? isn't that why you were phone sexing another woman the ~entire ~time you were with me? you f**king LIED, PLAYED AND DECEIVED, and i can't even say your name here, because i do still love you. i do still want you, but you hurt me so badly that i become ill from your touch. i realize, so far into this that it doesn't matter now, that i was nothing but a game, and this game is done. you have taught me to "f**k the game, don't let the game f**k Mme, no! like the song says. look it up. it's nelly-. .-words to live by-. .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. .-i will also say, for those of you who care [and f**k those of you who don't] i found my soulmate, along the way. my kenny. you've been there for me throughout the worst times of my life and i want to stand here, by your side, and thank you for showing me that the best times are still to come. you've been patient and caring, regardless of what anyone else says about you, i know the depth of your heart; you've shown me the depths of your love and allowed me to show you mine. no matter what happens with you and me, no one who is cold and low enough to fuck me over this bad is worth dying for. thank you for handing me back my self respect, kenny. so no matter what, as it has been since we were children, i will always love you-. |
