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Chapter 20

 

 

“That should do it,” Spike said, stepping back to inspect their work. 

 

After coming in from seeing Gunn off with the Captain, Spike went into ‘securing the place’ mode.  The mattress from one of the beds was wedged against the large front window with the dresser holding it in place.  ‘Just in case’ was his explanation.  Buffy didn’t ask for more than that.  She understood.  She also understood why the other mattress was lying on the floor instead of the bed.  The lower they were the better the chance they wouldn’t be hit by any bullets if someone decided to shoot into their hotel room.

 

“Come eat,” Buffy said, returning to the mattress to sit cross-legged in the middle.  Their dinner was cold, but it was still food, and all they had for the night.  Feeling ravenous, she stuffed a few French fries in her mouth, before unwrapping the rest of her chicken sandwich.

 

The mattress dipped as Spike sat across from her.  He grabbed the bag with his food in it.  For the next few minutes, they concentrated on eating, but Buffy could almost hear Spike thinking.  He would pause almost as if he was going to say something then shove more food into his mouth.  After a few times of this she couldn’t take anymore.

 

“Whatever you want to say, just say it.”

 

“What are you talking about?”  Spike tried to appear innocent, but it wasn’t working.  He took another bite, not saying anything, but then blurted, “If you wanted to go with Gunn, I wouldn't…I mean you couldn't go, not now, but I'd understand if wanted to when this is over."

 

Buffy looked up to see piercing blue eyes studying her.  She shivered under the intensity of emotions that were darting between them.  It was too much and she took a moment to pull herself together by taking a bite of her sandwich.  Being alone with Spike was making her nervous despite having wanted Gunn to leave.  There was no place to hide and some of the comfortableness had worn off leaving her feeling frayed.  So much for pushing for Spike to speak his mind because now she felt trapped by the heavy emotions between them.

 

“I didn’t want to go,” she confessed, after taking a sip of her soda.  “What I told him was the truth, and like you said, I need to see this through before I do anything else.  Plus I don’t want to be in Seattle…or with Gunn.”

 

“Okay,” Spike said, with a quick nod. 

 

Buffy could tell it was one of those automatic responses people made when they didn’t know what else to say.  It wasn’t as if she was expecting him to tell her that he didn’t want her in Seattle.  Except somehow she couldn’t let it go either despite her uneasy feelings of getting in too deep.

 

“Did you want me to go?”

 

“No.”

 

It was silly, but she tucked that ‘no’ into her heart.  It wasn’t what she wanted, but it was something letting her know that he didn’t want her to disappear.  She sighed, crinkling the wrapper into a ball and shoving it into the French fry box.  Plus it had been obvious he was jealous when Gunn asked her to leave.  She wondered briefly what he would do if she told him she loved him.  Probably make a lot of excuses for why it wouldn’t work, that he was still engaged to Fred, and a thousand other reasons to push her away.  Just like always.  Just like it had always been.

 

“You all right?”  Spike asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  She forced a smile and lied, “I was just dreaming about a decent hot dinner.”

 

“I could do with a spot of good food,” Spike said.  “Anything that doesn’t come from a drive-thru.  Hmm, a good home cooked meal would hit the spot.”

 

Ignoring the fact he was probably talking about Fred’s cooking, Buffy tried to joke.  “Just not my home cooking, right?”

 

“You’re not that bad…,” Spike paused, then chuckled.  “Okay, yeah you are.”

 

“Hey, it kept you fed plenty of times.”

 

“Yes, it did.”

 

A smile passed between them that spoke of their shared memories.  The moment helped Buffy to relax.  She stretched out on her side with her head propped in her hand.  Spike was still eating his hamburger even though it had to be congealed grease by then. 

 

“When we get through this, I’ll treat you to a decent dinner,” Buffy said.  “After all, it’s my fault that you’re in this mess.”

 

“Not going to argue with you,” Spike said.  He patted his stomach.  “’Fraid I’m going to pay for this burger later.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Don’t say that.  Not your fault.  Not really.  I chose the burger place.”

 

“Not what I meant.”

 

“I know what you meant, pet."  He signed.  "I chose to answer the phone.  If I didn’t want to talk to you or help then I wouldn’t have picked up the phone.”

 

His casual remark brought her to full attention.  It was something she’d never considered before.  Despite the distance and time between them, he still picked up the phone when she called.  Spike never wrote her off.  Whether it was a feeling of duty, guilt or maybe something else, Spike still answered when she reached out to him.  Apparently, he didn’t realize what he said because he continued to brush the crumbs off his jeans and clean up after their dinner.  She put her hand over his before she could stop herself.

 

“I appreciate you being there for me,” Buffy said.  “It means a lot to me.”

 

The bag of trash was thrown in the general direction of the trashcan.  It landed on the floor.  “I know.”  He shook his head as if in defeat.  “You mean a lot to me.  Guess I’m just a fool.”

 

Startled, Buffy asked, "Why do you think you're a fool?  Because you still care about me?  Is that a bad thing?"

 

"No, I wouldn't say it’s a bad thing," Spike said as if he was picking each word with careful precision. 

 

As if he was trying not to start a fight.  He shouldn't have bothered because she wasn't getting mad, just curious and very hopeful that he would tell her that he loved her.  Too hopeful because she was sure it was going to just add to her heartbreak when they went back to their own lives.

 

"What would you say it was?"

 

"Let it go.  It was just an expression."

 

"No, I won't let it go.  You just said that you thought it was a stupid move to answer the phone when I called."

 

"That's not what I meant," Spike said.  "I said and I meant that I'm a fool for always being there for you.  Is that what you wanted to hear?"

 

"No," Buffy said, over a lump in her throat.  "I wanted to hear you tell me that you…forget it."

 

"You wanted me to tell you that I care about you.  After everything…you still want me to be there when you're lonely or need help.  Well, like I said, I guess I'm that fool."

 

"Oh god," Buffy covered her mouth with her hand.  "You make me sound so cold and selfish when you're the only one who ever made me feel safe."  She turned her head away.  "When I'm away from you I feel so alone.  Like I’m just falling through space with no place to land."

 

"Buffy," Spike said, reaching for her, but she scooted back.

 

"Don't touch me.  I can't stand to be pitied.  Especially not by you."

 

She was against the wall and had nowhere to go when he wrapped his arms around her.  She tried to stay stiff against him, but couldn't.  Not when he was holding her with arms that would hold the world away.  He tucked her head under his chin, rocking them, until she gave in, melting into him.

 

"I have never pitied you.  I've hurt for you, and with you, but never have I thought you needed pity."

 

"I gave you all my secrets the other night," Buffy sniffled.  "I told you everything, about why I came back to Los Angeles, why I was dating other men, and how much I wanted you, but it was too late.  I'm always too late.  So, I guess that makes me the fool.  Not you."

 

"Oh lamb, I want to tell you everything, but…"

 

"You belong to someone else."  Buffy pulled away.  She crawled off the edge of the bed.  "Yeah, don't let me forget that.  Fred is here with us."  She rubbed her face trying to erase what she knew was tear ravaged.  She held a hand up.  "You'll come running when I need help.  Answer the phone when I call, hell you'll even have sex with me when you think I might turn to another man, but please, don't let me forget that you're engaged."  She ignored the fact that her voice was rising.  Sounding more hysterical with each word.  She didn't care.  "I'm the fool, isn't that right? Because as long as you know I love you, and you're the only man in my life, you're nice to me, but just as soon as I creep even a little bit away, you're going to do something to hurt me.  Pull me back in with sex to ease my loneliness or fear, or even get engaged to someone who will never love you as much as I do.  Anything as long as you don't have to commit to me.  Do you have any idea of how much you hurt me?  Do you?"

 

"Is that what you really think?  That I can be that cruel?"

 

"You are that cruel!"

 

"I would never hurt you…"

 

"You already have," Buffy sat back on her haunches.  She whispered, not sure if she was saying it to herself or to him, "You've hurt me more than he ever did."

 

"How?  How can you say that?  All I've ever done is try to take care of you.  To keep you safe.  Hell, I let you go so that you could have a chance on that fucking normal life everyone thought you should have."

 

Buffy looked up at him.  "All I ever wanted was for you to love me."

 

~~~~~

 

Wesley pressed his ear against Fred’s bedroom door.  The shower was running.  Hopefully, she would be taking a long one.  He slipped back into the other bedroom, shutting the door behind him.  After sitting on the edge of the bed, he dialed a number that wasn’t in his phone.  It was one he’d memorized.  No one could know whom he was calling.

 

“Hello cowboy,” a husky feminine voice answered.  “How’s the babysitting going?”

 

“It’s going fine, Lilah.”

 

“Not getting any funny ideas being all alone with that Texas twig, are you?”

 

Wesley laughed.  He’d almost forgotten how intuitive Lilah could be about things.  Plus, she was possessive as hell. 

 

“Don’t be silly.  She’s not half the woman you are.”

 

“Just as long as you remember…”  Lilah said, almost purring.

 

“No way I could ever forget.”

 

No reason to worry when it came to Lilah.  She was still under his thumb.  Just like he needed her to be so he could get on with business.  It was time to end all the charades.

 

~~~~~

 

Her words were devastating.  Spike buried his face in his hands as he felt his soul rip apart.  There was nothing he wouldn't do for Buffy.  Including die.  That would be easier than dealing with this relationship shit.  Nothing had been the same since he found her that afternoon so long ago.  Pieces of him kept falling away.  He wondered if he looked in the mirror if the bruises he felt on his heart would appear on his body.  Did she have any idea of how much she'd just beaten him into the ground?  He wasn't and never would be Lance Peterson?  Did it matter because was there anything left of him?

 

"I'm sorry."

 

It was stupid, trite and totally out of place, but he didn't know what else to say.  How could he put everything he was feeling into words?  There was no way he could. 

 

"Don't worry when this is over you'll never have to see me again.  I'll never call you."

 

Never before had he heard her sound so angry.  Lost.  Frightened.  Determined, but never such fury.  He should be relieved.  Anger was a good emotion.  It would move her to build her own life.  To find a man more suited to give her everything that he never could.  To give her everything she deserved.  So why did he feel so abandoned?

 

Just like he did when he found out the truth about his father, when he watched his mother die, and like the day Buffy got on a plane to Seattle.  The three worst days of his life.  He wanted to hide, but there was nowhere to go.  Not when there were people out there trying to kill them.  He needed to focus on getting them out alive.  Then he would deal.  He shoved all the pain down into the deep well of his soul.  Like he always did.  Until he looked up.  Until he looked into Buffy's eyes.  Until he saw the hope still hanging on. 

 

"I…I can't say what I want to say."  Spike shook his head.  "I made a promise to Fred.  Maybe it isn't right.  Maybe I did it to hurt you.  Maybe I did it because I do love her.  I don't know much of anything right now.  But I do know that I'm living with her.  She wears the ring I picked out for her.  She's counting on me to come back to her.  I’m sorry, Buffy.  I have to go back to her before…I do anything else.  Can you understand that?"

 

"Yes, be honorable.  Stick to your word."  Buffy laughed.  "Unlike your promises to me.  Guess that tells me everything I need to know."

 

Buffy started to turn away, but he grabbed her wrist.  He went to his knees as if he was praying.  "I'm here.  I left her and our home to come to you when you called.  Doesn't that tell you anything?  When you told me your secrets, I told you that I would figure out a way to make this right; can you trust me a little longer?"

 

"Why should I?  You said…"

 

"That I will always be a fool for you.  Not that it was a mistake.  Not that I didn't want to come…not that I regretted answering the phone.  Only that you have a power over me that I can't control."

 

"I don't want to have a power over you," Buffy said, dropping to her knees so they were face to face.  "I don't want you to have power over me."  She cupped his cheek.  "I want us to be equals, and I don't think you'll ever see me that way.  You'll always find an excuse to push me away."

 

"That's not true," Spike protested despite the twinge of guilt that told him she was right.  She was Buffy.  She was his to protect, to take care of and to make sure she was safe despite it being a wanted burden.  Did he really want to keep her away so that he wouldn't fail her?  Like he had with so many other relationships in his past.  Like he was failing with Fred.

 

"Yes, it is," Buffy said.  "Maybe one day I can show you that I'm not your someone to save, and maybe then you'll stop trying to fight what you know is the truth."

 

And it was that truth that scared him so much.




to be continued...


Chapter 21
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