Chapter 19 – Harder to Breathe
It was
almost two in the morning and Buffy was questioning her earlier decision to
come to
“It’ll be
okay, pet,” Spike said, chuckling. “He’s our mate all the time not just at
certain times.”
“Thanks,”
Buffy muttered. “Well, go ahead.” She gestured at the door for him to go ahead
and Spike tossed a smile at her before opening it. The one thing she didn’t
want, which was to feel like a child, and Spike had unwittingly made sure she
felt exactly that way. Not that she really blamed him. It was her. Angel wasn’t
immune, either, because he was the one yanking her emotions over the scales and
she was beginning to suspect that it was deliberate.
Buffy gave
Spike a quick kiss as she passed him and headed down the stairs to Angel’s
place. Her mind was running scenarios for how to handle telling Angel why she
had dragged Spike to LA in the middle of the night. She rounded the curve and
looked up. Her hand went to cover her mouth as she stared at the scene before
her. Angel was holding Faith. The other Slayer’s arms were wrapped tightly
around Angel as his hands moved over her back.
“Not
interrupting anything, are we?” Spike asked, brushing past Buffy to stand
before Angel.
Angel
stood, reaching for his shirt as his eyes flickered between his mates. It was
only as he buttoned his shirt that it registered with Buffy that he’d been
half-naked…in the middle of the night…holding Faith.
“Oh, God,
oh God,” Buffy muttered, as she stepped back. She hit the wall behind her and
the instinctive need to fight or flee overwhelmed her. “How could you?”
“Nothing
happened,” Angel said, reaching for Spike but when he turned away from him, he
reached for Buffy. “A lot has been going on in the past couple of days.”
“Well, excuse
us,” Spike said. “But that is kind of obvious.”
“Look, B,”
Faith said. “I’m sorry but…”
“Don’t
apologize,” Buffy said, glaring at the brunette Slayer. “Or I will beat you to
death.”
“Stop it,
Buffy,” Angel said. “You’re acting just like you accuse her of being…”
Buffy’s
open hand snapping Angel’s head to the side cut off any further explanation. Angel
stared at Buffy but it was like something closing down in him. The coldness was
there just like it had been two nights before when he’d threatened to teach her
obedience and in that moment she gave up. Buffy was tired, overwhelmed by the
expectations put upon her, and at the moment feeling lonelier than she had ever
been. Even when she was living away from everything she’d ever known in
Daytona.
“I’m sorry,
Spike,” Buffy whispered. Her voice was ragged with the tears she was trying to
hold back. “This has nothing to do with you. I love you more than I ever
thought I could but right now I need to be alone.”
“Running
away?” Angel sneered. “Every time that Buffy can’t handle something she runs
away or goes into…”
“No,
Angel,” Buffy said calmly. “I’m not running away. I’m walking away from a
situation I can’t handle right now. Whatever you say I’m not going to believe
and all I want is to kill her. I need to think and to slow down.”
The hardest
thing was the look on Spike’s face. He was as devastated by Angel’s betrayal as
Buffy was or maybe even more and she couldn’t be there for him. She couldn’t
take him with her. All she could hope is that he would understand her need to
be alone so that she could listen to her own heart. Buffy gave him one last tremulous
smile before she turned and walked away. She didn’t know where she was going
just as long as it wasn’t with them. Without thinking of directions she started
to walk the streets, not really afraid, but keeping her instincts on high alert
just in case. The sidewalk didn’t change as she covered block after block and
eventually her own voice began to be heard over the din of all the other voices
telling her what was best for her.
It may have
been hours that she’d been walking, time had ceased to matter. Her mind was
still unraveling and her emotions were still rumbling but she was feeling
better. With a sigh she looked up to see where she was. Her brows furrowed as
she looked around at the unfamiliar territory.
“Oh, bloody
hell,” Buffy muttered. She had no clue where she was. At first she reached for
her cell phone then remembered it was in Spike’s duster. So, she patted her
pockets for change when a scream interrupted her search. She quickly located
the disturbance and ran toward it. She paused briefly at the entrance to the
alley to take stock of what was happening. Two vampires were double teaming one
human male who was putting up a valiant fight. Without further hesitation she
ran to help.
~~~~~~~
Spike
watched Buffy walk away, unable to process her exit. In that moment he wasn’t
sure what was hurting him more, Angel’s unfaithfulness or Buffy’s desertion. He
had never thought that he would lose both of them. He stood there, reeling with
the emotions that were coursing through him, needing and wanting someone to
tell him that it was a nightmare. That he was home in bed, cuddled between his
mates, the way it used to be but the fates didn’t seem to be with him this
night. He had submitted to them both and their promises of love; had given up
his plans and desires to play them against each other because he had believed
that they were forever.
“It’s not
the way it looks,” Angel repeated. His hand cupped the back of Spike’s neck
forcing him to look up at him. “I haven’t done anything that I should be
ashamed of.”
“No, of
course not,” Spike said. “In the old days we always did that, didn’t we? Play
games with humans, fuck around and maybe if that was all it was, I could
understand, but her? Faith? She has caused so many problems for Buffy and for
you. And now I think it has destroyed us.”
“Faith, go
wait upstairs in my office,” Angel said, adding a firm now when the girl tried
to protest. Once she was gone Angel pulled Spike close. “Don’t. I was only
comforting her. Things have been rough the last couple of days and I think she
is coming around.”
“I won’t
share you with her,” Spike said.
“You don’t
have to,” Angel whispered against his ear while his hands moved over his
lover’s body. “You know how much I love you. Don’t worry. I’m always going to
be here for you.”
The words
were all the right ones. All the ones that Spike longed to hear but they
weren’t reaching his heart. How could they? They were only said to manipulate
him into complying with Angel’s desires. Spike shoved his mate away from him.
He made a quick turn, located what he wanted and strode toward it. On the way
his duster was thrown across the couch, his shirt on the floor. He grabbed a
whip from the wall and threw it to Angel. With tears in his eyes he leaned
against the wall stretching his arms out so that his back was offered to his
mate.
“If you are
going to force me to submit,” Spike said; the raspy stumbling of his words
making his pain visible in its tone. “Do it the right way. Do it in the blood
that it is intended. Don’t bring me to my knees with fancy talk that won’t mean
anything in the end.”
“William,”
Angel laughed. “I’m not lying to you.”
“Yes, you
are.” Spike said. His head was bowed to hide his shame. “God, Angel, I know you
and I can smell it, hers and yours. How can you even think of lying to me?” He
glanced behind him. “Do it. You want to. The blood lust is there. Your hand is
even shaking with how much you want to strike me.”
Spike
looked into Angel’s eyes that told him all that he needed to know. The conflict
was raging in the depths of those coffee eyes. It hurt him to see Angel in that
much pain because that was what it was. His Sire didn’t want to hurt his mates.
It was the depths of the demon that was bringing such turmoil to the surface;
the need to rule, to cause pain, to feed again, and even to take pets. Spike
had smelled the arousal as soon as he and Buffy had walked into the room. Maybe
Angel thought he could control it but he was playing a dangerous game. He liked
playing the hero, craved the worship that came from it, and Angelus would want
the conquest. Faith would willingly go along with it even if it was only to
hurt Buffy. And she needed the power
that Angel could provide.
The whip
was thrown to the floor and Angel shook his head. “No, Will, no, I don’t want
it. I don’t.” His hands covered his face. “I don’t want to hurt you like that again.
Please.” Angel looked up at Spike.
It was all
Spike needed. He went to his Sire, wrapping his arms around him. If Angel was
asking for help there was still hope left. The man hadn’t lost to the demon
yet. The two men embraced searching for the comfort and reassurance they both
needed. Spike held onto his mate as if his life depended on it. They had come
so far and he wasn’t going to lose the vampire in his arms. His back would have
been gladly given if it meant that Angel could find the outlet he needed
instead of being with Faith. Any sacrifice was worth it to keep the three of
them together.
“Angel, you
can’t let him win,” Spike said. “The two of you are merging and you need to
keep control.”
“I’m
beginning to feel like Jekyll and Hyde,” Angel confessed. “Demon one second, me
the next, it’s almost like the soul slips away sometimes. I don’t know.”
“Things
need to change. A lot of things.”
There was a
part of Spike that would welcome the demon taking dominance. It was the part of
him that was also demon that was still hungering for the evil and violence of
the old days. There was even a part of him that would have welcomed the whip.
But it seemed that the man that had been emerging wanting the warmth of his
mates and family around him was taking precedence in his heart. It was with
them that for the first time in his existence that he had found the security
he’d always needed.
Angel
stepped away. They both knew in the end the only one that could decide the
outcome of the struggle would be Angel himself. It was almost a mirror of the
days when he’d been first souled. Angel had struggled to remain as he was
before, a master vampire intent on creating destruction and taking life as he
saw fit. In the moment that he had saved the baby from Darla the soul had won
over the demon and Angel had spent a century in remorse. In removing the clause
from the soul it had once again given Angel the opportunity to choose his fate.
There was no need for brooding and running from happiness. There was no longer
a need to temper his passions and the demon demanded to be heard again. Maybe
even in the freedom to make love and to be loved it had released the other
desires within him. The desires that was only natural to a vampire.
“Spike, I
don’t want to hurt you or Buffy,” Angel said, running his hands along the back
of the couch. “And I don’t want to lose you either.”
“Then you
need to make us your priority,” Spike said, perching on the couch so that Angel
had no choice but to look at him. “It’s what Buffy needs if she ever gives you
another chance. It’s what I need. We all need you in Sunnydale not playing hero
in
“How,
Spike?” Angel growled, running his hand through his hair. “I’m supposed to be
here taking care of the hopeless. I’ve got a business to run to keep all of us
afloat. But when I’m here I think about what is going on there and vice versa.”
There were
footsteps on the stairs and the two males turned to find Faith hovering on the
landing. She crossed her arms as she looked from one to the other.
“I’ve got
an idea if you two are willing to hear it.”
