A local self-proclaimed prophet began foretelling of Warrington State College's doom last week while standing on a nearby street corner.

"Woe unto you, Warrington State," shouted the thickly-bearded man vaguely, kind of in the general direction of the school, "for the Lord hath looked upon you with disfavor!"

When asked by The Gazette for what sins the Lord would expend his wrath upon this institution of academia, the prophet, who said his name is John Fegelein, said the reasons were "pyramid." When asked if he meant the reasons were "myriad," he replied, "Um, yes."

The prophet Fegelein went on to expound on the Lord's anger.

"Woe unto you, the students, for they drinketh of distilled spirits and do not share with the poor, nor do they share with the prophets. Woe, for they revel in the slaughter of others, in both `Normal' and `License to Kill' modes. Woe, for they spend the Sabbath idly, reclining on their luxuriously threadbare Army-surplus-like cots. Woe for the existence of that which is an abomination in the sight of God: the Rat steak. Woe, for the day of the Lord is coming."

According to this disheveled street preacher, the "day of the Lord" will consist of many horrendous events.

"First, there will rain down from heaven a plague of scabies like never before seen on campus. Scabies, scabies, everywhere," Fegelein prophesied. "Second, all students and faculty will be forced to park in freshman parking, that desolate wasteland, but will be given tickets anyway, because, hey, those guys have quotas to meet. All Rat food, including condiments and beverages, will contain a significantly greater amount of those huge orange slabs of congealed grease. And scabies. Did I mention scabies?"

In addition, Fegelein then explained his own interpretation of how this great doom would come about.

"It will all begin with a great computer systems failure, not unlike Y2K. The network will completely crash from every student attempting to enter their schedules for next semester into the STEP program. At first, it will go relatively unnoticed, as students will assume the network has just crashed as it does every day that ends in -y. But, slowly, they will realize it will never come back, and, cut off from Instant Messenger, they will lose all contact with the outside world and lose their sanity! THAT is when the unmanagebale DOOM will start!" he said.

As of press time, The Gazette staff was unable to check on whether or not Fegelein’s claims were true, as they were all entering their schedules into the STEP program.

Lest the Gazette be accused of purveying false information, this reporter asked for some sign to prove Fegelein’s status as an actual prophet. Fegelein then revealed several burn-like sores around his mouth, tongue, and hands, claiming they were part of a cleansing ritual much like the one seen in the book of Isaiah. Convinced, this reporter questioned how Warrington State might escape its ultimate downfall.

"A good start," Fegelein said, "would be giving me five dollars and a ride to the Brown Jug."