SDFarmBoy
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels good about the results.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
This very wealthy woman asked to meet with the president of her bank one day. She told him that she would be depositing $10,000 in cash the next day and wanted to talk to him about the deposit arrangements. The bank president asked her from where the cash was coming, as the IRS investigates such large cash deposits. She said that she makes the money from gambling, mostly from winning bizarre bets. Intrigued, the bank president asked her what kind of bets. She said, "Like this kind: I'll bet you $5,000 that you have square balls."
Shocked, the bank president said, "You're crazy!"
She replied, "Am I? I'll bet you $5,000 that at noon tomorrow your balls will be square."
"You're on! I'll take that bet."
"Since we're talking about a large amount of money, I'll need to bring a witness to verify that they are indeed square, is that okay?"
"Sure. Whatever you say."
All that night the banker couldn't sleep as he worried about the $5,000 bet. He got up several times just to make sure that his balls were normal, and each time he was relieved to see that they weren't square. At noon the next day the woman walked into the bank with another guy and told him to stand to one side as she did her part. She walked up to the bank president and asked him to unzip his pants. She stuck her hand inside and checked them as the clock struck noon, and declared that they were round. As the bank president sighed with relief he looked over to see the strange man fall to the floor in agony. "What's wrong with you?" he asked.
"She bet ME $10,000 that by noon today she would be holding the president of this bank by his balls."