I. CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Marriage in islam
Article by Reem Sultan vide http://www.iica.org/iica/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=83
In
order to assess marriage in Islam it seems essential to discuss marriage forms,
which existed before Islam. In those days many kinds of different marriages
existed, there was no limit on the number of wives that any one man can have. Of
the many forms of marriage in pre-Islamic Arabia, only one is sanctioned in the
Quran, marriage by contract. The forbidden forms include:
Cohabitation (Istibdal) or wife lending. Husbands
would occasionally permit their wives to cohabit with an important man for
unique offspring with the social standing of this man.
Temporary marriage (Muta’), which was of limited
duration, for a fixed fee, and was practiced by travelers or soldiers while away
from home for extended periods. It is, however, still considered a valid form or
marriage by the Shiite sect.
Secret cohabitation by lovers (Akhdan) was without a
contract and for an unspecified time.
Marriage by exchange allowed wives or daughters to be
exchanged for another man’s, without any exchange of dowry.
A purchased marriage had a bought bride, with the
price paid to her father or guardian. In some cases, tribal Arabs were reluctant
to marry their daughters to outsiders and charged large sums in the belief that
their daughters might be better taken care of by wealthy men.
Marriages by capture which was a
permitted in war. Women are either taken as slaves or as wives.
Marriage by inheritance contained
a widow who was inherited by the heir or heirs of her deceased husband.
A Maqt marriage allowed a man to
marry his father’s widow or divorced.
A service marriage existed when a poor man worked for
the bride’s father before the marriage took place, in order to earn the money
for a dowry.
Errebu marriage
could be arranged by a father who had no sons of his own, as was often done
among the Semites. He then adopted the young man, with the intent of marrying
him to one of his daughters, with the understanding that the groom would take
and carry on the family name.
Experimental cohabitation (Sifah) is self-explanatory,
and may or may not end in a contract marriage.
Concubinage (mainly among the Semites) included as
many women as the man could afford. Because polygamy was too costly, childless
wives often preferred their men to sleep with slave girls.
Marriage in Islam is an act, which follows the order
of Allah on this earth, and a system, which is followed by many, God states:
”Glory to Allah (the God), who
created in pairs all things that the earth produces as well as their own (human)
kind, and (other) things, of which they have no knowledge”. (Quran Sura 36, aya
36).
This verse clearly
establishes the f act that the whole universe and its various life-systems are
created by Allah. The mystery of pairs is the key to the continuous survival of
all creation. It runs in man, in animal life, in plant life and in other forms
of life of which we have no knowledge. The proton and electron present in the
atom, which is the smallest form of matter itself thus, seems to have pairs of
opposite energies.
The dominance
of the fact of pairs is made clear, with the emphasis that nothing in this world
is created without the miracle of sex. It also explains that the grace and
beauty of colors in nature in various forms are the consequence of the joint
working of the pairs. All these manifestations and scenes of beauty and marvels
would come to an end without it. Man would lose all motivation, as well as
moments of peace and ranquility, without women. Many aspects of life, which only
the tender and beautiful hands of woman can fulfill, would remain incomplete
without her. And many areas of her life would not reach their fulfillment
without the strong and loving hands of man. She is the answer to many of his
instinctive demands and natural questions. And likewise, without him, the
habitation of womanhood would remain desolated and empty. He is the life of the
world of her emotions and the remedy for her restlessness and fruitlessness.
This means that the universe is
so adorned by its Creator that every element of it becomes a means of completion
and perfection of the others. The low of sex is one of its comprehensive and
perfect forms. In other words, everything in this world, for the expression of
some of its intrinsic capabilities and generic qualities, is dependent on one
other area, and the opposite sex provides this area. This is one kind of
relation that is found between the pairs and both equally need the other. 吀栀ere
is no question of disgrace or honor.
Marriage is a solemn contractual agreement between an
eligible male and an eligible female, concluded in the presence of witnesses,
whereby they become acknowledged as husband and wife. A liaison between a
marriageable couple without a duly witnessed contract is adulterous.
Marriage alternatives, widely
talked about in recent years, and becoming features of the so-called “sex
revolution” – cohabitation contract, open marriage, swinging couples, swapping,
and a variety of some other unhealthy loose morality- cannot be recognized as
legitimate life styles. Sex relations through these arrangements are unethical
and illegal from an Islamic point of view (Christianity and Judaism), for that
matter, also agrees). They are simply adulterous violations. Marriage implies
the exclusive right of each mate of the couple to the sexual favors of the
other, and its contract has to conform with well-defined prerequisites, which
include a vow made by the marrying couple in front of lawful witnesses.
Thus the marriage contract as
conceived of by Muslims is a legal commitment sanctioned by God and acknowledged
by society. Since the Islamic faith attaches religious values to all types of
human behavior, the marriage contract is both a civil agreement and a religious
commitment which should be respected and should endure as far as possible.
SIGNIFICANCE OF MARRIAGE:
Reproduction in an organized
wholesome manner is admittedly the ultimate objective in the institution of
marriage. Yet Islam puts great emphasis on the almost equally important function
of marriage as a means of providing companionship and measure of fulfilling
other fundamental needs.
The
Quran, in speaking of this basic function of marriage, draws attention to the
divine wisdom in creation making a bisexual species, reproduced through mating
between two members of the same species but of different sex. It reads:
”And one of His signs is that He
created for you, of your species, spouses that you may repose in them; and He
has set between you love and mercy. Verily in this there are signs for a people
who reflect.” (Quran sura 30, aya 21)
Here mankind is stated to be created as a biocious
(bisexual) being reproduced through mating of two genetically similar parties,
one to fertilize and the other to conceive.
God could have created mankind as a monoecious
(monosexual) being, reproduced naturally without need for mating or in such a
way as to reproduce through mating without a member of another species. Yet, God
has chosen to create man as a biocious being, reproduced through mating with
members of his own species. The Quran states that the purpose of creating man in
this biocious pattern is to let each mate provide comfort, companionship and a
reeling of true care and concern for the other. Such comfort, companionship and
feeling of mutual care and concern could not be afforded in the absence of easy
communication. Between two communicating members of humanity, there can be
reactions and interactions and cooperation and mutual understanding. These
actions, reactions and interactions lead to fulfillment of the mental and
psychological needs of the mating couples.
And when they are committed believers, they realize
that their love of each other is derived from their commitment and loyalty to
obedience to Him. Their mutual love is therefore more durable and heavenly. Even
in their act of love they feel a deeper and more enduring joy, resembling their
anticipated delight in Paradise when they are closer to their Creator.
Under the Islamic law, it is
undesirable for a marriageable person to remain single, even when the intention
is to be free to concentrate on prayers and on similar religious ordinances. The
monastic attitude has no place in Islam, as declared by the prophet.
Men and women are urged to marry
early; and fear of poverty should not be a discouraging factor. The Quran
assures that Allah shall provide for them from His unbounded favors.
Careful search for a compatible
spouse should make marriage failure an exceptional phenomenon. After all, our
adventures in life are hardly free from the elements of risk. The crucial steps
of the procedural process of marriage are the selection of a spouse and the
marriage contract. According to the Islamic law, the role of the bride in these
two steps is essential to the validity of the marriage.
FUNCTION OF MARRIAGE:
In Islam, marriage is a form of worship of Allah and
obedience to his word. Its most important function is that of and acts of piety.
The Prophet Mohammed has said: “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half his
religion so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.”
As a religious duty, marriage
becomes obligatory for 0 who are able to fulfill its obligations and
responsibilities. Allah created mankind, both sexes, out of one living soul, and
told them to marry and have children, and to follow the righteous path, although
there are some differences between the different schools of Fiqh. According to
Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmed bin Hanbal and Malik bin Anas, although marriage in
this origin may be deemed to be desirable, in cases of certain individuals, it
becomes obligatory (Wajib).
According to Islam, marriage is obligatory for a man
who has the means to easily pay the dowry, and maintain a wife and children and
who is healthy and fears that if he does not marry he may commit fornication. It
is also recommended for a person who has a strong will to control his sexual
urge and not to fall prey to the temptations of Satan but who’s only aim is to
have children. However, marriage is superogetory for a person who can control
his sexual desire; who has no wish to have children and who feels that marriage
will not keep him away from his devotion to Allah.
However, according to the Maliki school, it is
obligatory for Muslims to marry even though they may not be in a position to
earn their living on three conditions:
If he believes that without marriage he will commit
fornication.
If he is unable to
fast to control his passion or that he can fast but his fasting does not help
him to refrain from adultery.
He
cannot even find a slave girl or an utterly poor girl to marry.
Some jurists disagree on this
point, and suggest that if he cannot procure lawful livelihood, he must not
marry. If at all he married without any hope of getting lawful bread, he will
commit theft. Thus in order to avoid one evil, he will be a victim of another.
The Hanafi school concedes
marriage obligatory on the following four considerations:
If the man is sure that he will commit fornication if
he does not marry.
If he cannot
fast, or even if he can fast, it does not help him to control his passion. If
fasts help him, he must fast rather than marry.
If he cannot get a slave-girl to marry.
If he is able to pay dowry and is
capable to earn lawful livelihood. If he is not capable to earn his livelihood
lawfully it is not obligatory for him to marry.
Marriage is then forbidden to a man if he does not
possess the means to maintain his wife and children or if he suffers from an
illness serious enough to affect his wife and his progeny. It is not desirable
(Makruh) for a man who possesses no sexual desire at all or who has no love for
children, or who is sure to be slackened in his religious obligations as a
result of marriage, to be married.
Islam is a practical religion based in reality, and as
such, recognizes the human sexual urge as a natural condition of life. It
supports neither the extremes of celibacy (as in monasticism), nor non-marital
or extra marital sex. The Muslim culture does not allow dating between unmarried
couples. Marriage is seen as a moral safeguard, a means of legal sexual
gratification, tension reduction and legitimate procreation.
In addition, marriage is social
necessity, for the family is the basis of the Islamic society. As well as
preserving and continuing the human race it strengthens the support networks
within and between families and communities giving support of a social, as
responsibility and induces men to increase their earnings in order to care for
their dependents.
In addition to
what has already been mentioned, other functions of marriage also exist.
Maintaining a proper lineage is crucial in Islam and is one of the main
functions of marriage. By this Godly system each newborn can be identified by
both a mother and father with no difficulty. This is a mean of maintaining an
order in society that cannot be crossed.
One might ask why would the lineage be of such an
importance? In Islam there are numerous laws of inheritance, which are based on
the lineage and the relationship of the deceased to the heirs, if there were no
true laws of lineage established such rules of inheritance could not be
exercised. The explains why God has objected to giving one’s name to an adopted
son or daughter; this would give them the right to inherit that which they are
not lawfully entitled.
Marriage
stands as a strong wall in the face of all, which is ill in society. Without the
bond of marriage many crimes would be committed. There would be no order in the
world whatsoever. Humans would thus behave like animals who have no laws
governing their actions. In order to picture what might happen if the laws of
marriage did not exist, one should only take a closer look into some existing
societies that do not abide by these rules. It is evident that many problems
occur in these societies such as the problem of identifying who is the real
father, incurable deadly sexually transmitted diseases, and many other problems
that are not found in societies which follow God’s word with respect to
marriage.
Thus to summarize
the main functions of marriage:
A
means of emotional and sexual gratification.
A mechanism of tension reduction.
A means of legitimate procreation.
An approach to inter-family
alliance and group solidarity.
An
act of piety.
It is obedience to
Allah and to his Prophet.
QUALIFICATIONS OF MARRIAGE:
Allah (The God) has given the marring couple a period
of trial in which they can get to know one another a little better (in the
presence of a relative). This period is known as the engagement period. 吀栀e
Prophet (PBUH) encouraged those who are thinking of marriage to make use of this
period to insure that they are right for each other and so that no major
problems arise. If the couple found they are compatible to one another, marriage
may then follow.
There are
certain qualifications in marriage that have to be met before the contract is
valid; the first of which is the age of both the husband and wife. The husband
has to be a mature individual capable of supporting a family and carrying the
job of both a husband and a father. The wife has to have reached the age of
puberty and be capable of maintaining a household.
A Muslim male is allowed to marry a Christian or a Jew
(people of the book) but not an unbeliever, yet a Muslim female is only
permitted to marry a Muslim male. Allah has a wise reason behind this
difference. A Muslim man may marry a woman from the people of the book on the
same terms as he would marry a Muslim woman: he must give her an economic and
moral status, and must not be actuated merely by motives of lust or physical
desire. A Muslim woman may not marry a non-Muslim man, because her Muslim faith
would be affected; the wife ordinarily takes the nationality and status given by
her husband’s law. Any man or woman, of any race or faith, may, on accepting
Islam, freely marry any Muslim woman or man, provided it be from motives of
purity and chastity and not of lewdness.
It is well established that children out of a marriage
carry their father’s name, nationality and religion. Thus if a Muslim lady
marries a Christian for example, her children would not be Muslims, Islam would
have lost those children, and how difficult must it be on the mother for her
children to be away from the right path as she knows it. This explains the
reason why a Muslim female is only allowed to marry a Muslim male.
A Muslim man is guaranteed that
his children will carry his name. Thus, he is allowed to marry from the people
of the book. Possibly, because of his kind treatment to his wife she may decide
to convert to Islam (she cannot be forced, since there is no compulsion in
religion).
Note that in both
cases males and females are not allowed to marry unbelievers. Marriage is a most
intimate communion, and the mystery of sex finds its highest fulfillment when
intimate spiritual harmony is combined with the physical link. As religion is a
real influence in life to both parties or to either party, a difference in this
vital matter must affect the lives of both more profoundly than differences of
birth, race, language, or position in life. It is therefore only right that the
parties to be married should have the same spiritual outlook. If two persons
love each other, their outlook in the highest things of life must be the same.
Note that religion is not just a mere label or a matter of custom of birth. The
two persons may have been born in different religions, but if, by their mutual
influence, they come to see the truth in the same way, they must openly accept
the same rights and the same social brotherhood. Otherwise the position will
become impossible individually and socially.
There is a group of people to whom marriage is
prohibited. And marry not women whom your fathers married, except what is past:
It was shameful and odious, and abominable custom indeed. Prohibited to you (for
marriage) are:
”your mothers,
daughters, sister’s daughters; foster-mothers (who gave you suck), foster
sisters; your wives’ mothers; your step- daughters under your guardianship, born
of your wives to whom ye have gone in, no prohibition if ye have not gone in;
(hose who have seen) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two
sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except of what is past; for Allah
is the forgiving, most Merciful; also (prohibited are) women already married,
except those whom your right hands possess: Thus hath Allah ordained
(prohibitions) against you.” (Quran sura 4, aya (verse) 23).
By reason of consanguinity a man
cannot marry any female ascendant or descendant of his or the daughter of any
ascendant, who high so ever, or of any descendant, how low so ever. On the
ground of affinity he is debarred from marrying a woman who has been the wife of
any ascendant of his. This is another reason behind the importance of lineage; a
person could potentially marry a prohibited mate if his/her lineage was not
clearly identified.
If a boy or
girl, is fed from the breast milk of a wet nurse when it is under two years old,
the wet nurse becomes the milk mother of the baby and her husband becomes its
milk father. This leads to a series of marriage prohibitions on the same lines
of prohibitions resulting from blood relationship. The parents of the milk
parents become the baby’s milk grandparents, end so forth. The children of the
milk parents, either by birth or by milk feeding, become the baby’s brothers and
sisters, and their offspring are the baby’s nieces and nephews, and so forth.
However, the prohibition does not extend to the baby’s own brothers, his parents
or grandparents or the offspring of these. They remain strangers to the baby’s
milk parents and to their relatives.
However, the prohibition of marriage on account of
breast-feeding applies only on the following conditions:
The sucking was from the breast of a living woman, who
was at time of sucking no, less than nine years old, the minimum age of puberty.
Sucking should have occurred five
complete times.
The age of the
child at the time of sucking was two years or less. Sucking at a later age is
not counted.
The matrimonial
relationship is the most intimate and close relation between the sexes and is
also fundamental in the structure of society, the family being the primary unit
of human civilization. In this relationship, the status of men and women is
equal and both play an equally important role, though different ones, in the
establishment and maintenance of the marriage relationship, as well as in its
severance. This is fully supported by the teaching and practice of the prophet
and his companions. Women have a full choice as to whom they marry and cannot be
married without their free consent.
Abu Hurairah reported Allah’s messenger as saying:
”A woman without a husband must
not be married before she is consulted about it, and a virgin must not be
married before her permission is obtained.”
The same right is given to a woman who was previously
married, and is now widowed or divorced and wants to remarry. It is narrated by
Ibn Abbas that the prophet said:
”A women without a husband has a right to her person
than her guardian has.”
These two
sayings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) confirm that Islam has given complete freedom
of choice and refusal (or repudiation) to woman in the matter of her marriage.
The previous ahadith (sayings of prophet Muhammad) show that women enjoy equal
status and equal rights with men in deciding their contract Of marriage. Any
marriage, which is forced upon any woman widow or divorcee, is invalid and can
be revoked by the courts.
Another
very important point that should be emphasized is that in Islam the wife keeps
her identity and legal personality after marriage. She does not loose her
identity, as is the case in the western world, whose person is amalgamated with
her husband and she is called and known by the name of her husband. This is
evidence that women are respected and honored in Islam more so than in any other
religion which exists now days.
To further support the previous comment the concept of
dowry should be discussed. The Quran makes it obligatory on the man to offer the
woman a dowry as a gesture of goodwill and a sign of his honoring her as a
member of the household and a full partner in life. This is an objective
expression of the husband’s desire to honor her, to recognize her rights and to
welcome her into his home as a full partner in building their family life
together. Islam has taken all possible measures to insure that a woman is not
provision for her maintenance if she does not intent to remarry. And it has
strictly forbidden men to take back, at divorce, anything they may have given to
their wives by way of dowry, even if it has been treasures of gold and silver.
”But if ye decide to take one
wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for
dower, take not the least bit of it back” (Quran sura 4, aya20).
These restrictions do not exist
in other religions.
Prior to
Islam wives were stripped away from their right of dowry and of future
protection in case of divorce or death of the husband. It is thus clear that
Islam has protected the interests of the wife and never did put her in a state
of oppression as claimed by uninformed individuals.
There is no doubt that polygamy is the most
controversial issue in Islam, an issuer that the West has considered to be the
worst setback for the Islamic religion, partly because of the lack of
understanding of the main reason and the holy wisdom behind making it
permissible to men. There is no doubt that polygamy is allowed for many reasons.
There are social, physical and economic reasons for polygamy, such as the
following:
In times of war,
populations become unbalanced due to the loss of men, leaving more women and
orphans unprotected and without support. Therefore, it serves both a social and
a moral function to include these surplus women, some of whom are perhaps widows
with children, in a normal family unit.
The chronic illness of a wife, whether in mind or
body, or her extreme age, could make it difficult for her to maintain a
household, care for her children, and care for her husband and his property. It
could be of great help to her to have another woman’s assistance.
The moderate sexual needs of
woman may not meet the need of her husband.
If a wife is barren and unable to bear children, an
alternative to divorce and far more preferable, is polygamy. The prophet said:
“The throne of Heaven shakes when there is a divorce.”
Polygamy or marrying more than one wife is not a new
phenomenon. It has always been with mankind from time immemorial among different
people in various parts of the world. The Arabians were polygamous even before
the advent of Islam and so were other people on most parts of the world during
that time. The Jahiliyya Arabs used to marry a large number of women and
considered them chattel.
With the
advent of Islam, limitless polygamy was restricted to four wives and with a
number of rules attached to it. It is interesting to mention that there is only
one single verse that refers and permits polygamy; it reads:
”If you fear that you shall not
be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry the women of your choice, two, or
three, or four. But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with
them, then only one.” (Quran sura 4, aya 3).
This verse was revealed after the Battle of Uhud when
the Muslims were left with many orphans and widows. The treatment was to be
governed by principles of greatest humanity and equality. The verse not merely
limited to the orphans but it has a general application about the marriage laws
in Islam. The Muslim jurists, therefore, have laid down the following conditions
if someone wants to take more than one wife:
He should have enough financial capacity to look after
the needs of the additional wives that he had undertaken.
He must do equal justice to them all. Each wife should
be treated equally.
An important
verse in the Quran is the one in which Allah says that husbands will not be able
to treat all wives justly even if they tried. He says:
”You are never able to be fair and just as between
women. If ever it is your ardent desire: but turn not away from woman altogether
as to leave her as it were hanging in the air. “ (Quran sura 4, aya 129).
This means that polygamy is not
recommended in Islam because it is hard for husbands to be equal to all wives.
This argument should be kept in mind when discussing polygamy and thus polygamy
should not occur unless there is an important reason and a real need for it.
At the end of the discussion
about polygamy it is important to say that Allah created men knowing that to
some, one spouse is not enough, some need more than one to satisfy their natural
desires. Thus, for their benefit Allah has allowed for more than one wife. This
nature in men is not only present in Muslim men alone; it also exists in the
west. Many men have mistresses meaning many of them commit adultery. Allah
wanted to insure that the rights of the women and the children that result from
polygamous relations be reserved, since he is all knowing, and all merciful.
Because Islam considers marriage
a very serious commitment, it has prescribed certain measures to make the
marital bond as permanent as humanly possible. The parties must strive to meet
the conditions of proper age, general compatibility, reasonable dowry, good
will, free consent, unselfish guardianship, honorable intentions, and judicious
discretion. When the couple enter into a marital contract, the intention must be
clear to make the bond permanent, free from the casual and temporary
designations. For this reason, trial marriages, term marriages, and all
marriages that appear experimental, casual, or temporary are forbidden in Islam.
In one of his most unequivocal statements, the Prophet (PBUH) declared that
condemned are the men and women who relish the frequent change of marital
partners, that is, the “tasters” who enjoy one partner for a while, then shift
to another, then to a third and so on.
However, to insist on the permanent character of
marriages does not mean that the marital contract is absolutely indissoluble.
Muslims are designated by the Quran as a middle nation and Islam is truly a
religion of the golden mean, the well- balanced and well-integrated system. This
is particularly clear in the case of marriage, which Islam regards as neither a
sacrament nor a simple civil contract. Rather, marriage in Islam is something
unique with very special features of both sacramental and contractual mature. It
is equally true that the alternative to this casual or temporary extremity is
not the other extreme of absolute indissolubility of the marital contract. The
Islamic course is one of equitable and realistic moderation. The marriage
contract should be taken as a serious, permanent bond. But if it does not work
well for any valid reason, it may be terminated in kindness and honor, with
equity and peace.
With piety as
the basis of mate selection, and with the earnest satisfaction of the conditions
of marriage, the parties should be well on the way to a happy and fulfilling
married life. However, Islam goes much further than this in setting the course
of behavior for husbands and wives. Many are the statements of the Quran and
sunnah that prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and
consideration, patience and good will. The Prophet goes as far as no declare the
best Muslim is the one who is best to his family, and the greatest, most blessed
joy in life is a good, righteous wife.
The consummation of marriage creates new roles for the
parties concerned. Each role is a set of equitable, proportionate rights and
obligations. The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it
is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and
patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and
to cause her no harm or grief. The role of the wife is summarized in the verse
that the women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is
equitable; but men have a degree over them. This degree is usually interpreted
by Muslim scholars in conduction with another passage which states, among other
things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of the women because
God has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means.
This degree has been misunderstood by Muslims and non-Muslim alike. The verse
does not say men are better or worse than women are.
Nor does it say what excellence really refers to, let
alone identify it with manhood or womanhood. This degree may be likened to what
sociologists call “instrumental leadership” or external authority in the
household due to the division of labor and role differentiation. It does not,
however, mean any categorical discrimination or superiority of one sex to the
other.
THE HUSBAND’S OBLIGATIONS:
Translated into rules of
behavior, these ethical principles allocated to the wife certain rights and
corresponding obligations. Because the Quran and sunnah of the Prophet have
commanded kindness to women, it is the husband’s duty to consort with his wife
in an equitable and kind manner. One specific consequence of this divine command
is his responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must
discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence.
Maintenance entails the wife’s
incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well
being. The wife’s residence must be adequate so as to provide with the
reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The wife’s material
rights are not her only assurances and securities. She has other rights of a
moral nature; and they are equally binding and specific. A husband is commanded
by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, to respect her feelings, and
to show her kindness and consideration. She is not to be shown any aversion by
her husband or subjected to suspense and uncertainty. A corollary of this rule
is that no man is allowed to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm
on her or hindering her freedom. If he has no love or sympathy for her, she has
the right to demand freedom from the marital bond, and no one may stand in her
way to a new life.
This appears
to be an appropriate place to mention the Prophet (PBUH) as a husband; he was
very just to his wives, he was not a burden to them. He used to sew his clothes
and repair his shoes by himself. He also used to help in the daily chores around
the house especially when his wives were sick. The Prophet was by far the best
husband. He has set his sunnah, which is being followed by many in the Islamic
world, and may the peace and blessings of Allah be around him.
THE WIFE’S OBLIGATION:
The main obligation of the wife
as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and
blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the
comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his
feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better the Quranic statement,
which describes the righteous people as those who pray: “Our Lord! Grant unto us
wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of out eyes, and guide us to
be models or righteousness.” (Quran sura 25, aya 74)
This is the basis on which all the wife’s obligations
rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, the wife must
be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. More specifically, she must not deceive
her mate by deliberately avoiding conception test it deprives him of legitimate
progeny. Nor must she allow any other person to have access to sexual intimacy,
which is her husband’s exclusive right. A corollary of this is that she must not
receive or entertain strange males in her home without his knowledge and
consent. Nor may she accept their gifts without he is approval. This is probably
meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the
integrity of all parties concerned. The husband’s possessions are her trust. If
she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she
must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any
of his belongings without his permission.
With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself
desirable; to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative. A wife may not deny
herself to her husband, for the Quran speaks of them as a comfort to each other.
The wife is not permitted to do any thing that may render her companionship less
desirable or less gratifying. If she does any such thing or neglects herself,
the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the
situation. To insure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners, he is not
permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.
In conclusion, it is apparent
that Islam has made the marriage bond to be an intimate and a very respected
bond between two individuals. Islam has protected the interests of both spouses,
and even made divorce permissible (although not recommended) to the husband to
khul to be permissible to the wife. Since family is the center of Islamic
society, a great deal of importance has been addressed to marriage and marriage
laws. It is evident that one of the most important Islamic objectives is
equality to both husbands and wives. The following is an attempt to summarize
marriage as viewed in Islamic Shariah.
Marriage
in Islam
by Shahina Siddiqui vide: http://wwww/.soundvision.com/Info/marriage/inislam.asp
“And among His signs is this, that
He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and
tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts):
Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (Quran 30:21).
“O Humans revere your Guardian
Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and
from this scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah
through Whom you claim your mutual rights” (Quran 4:1).
The above verses of the Quran lay
out the framework as to what are the basis, the objectives and the goal of
marriage in Islam. In the ultimate Wisdom of Allah we are first told that both
partners man and woman are created from the same source. That this should be
paid attention to as it is one of His signs.
The fact that we come from the same
soul signifies our equality as humans, when the essence of our creation is the
same, the argument of who is better or greater is redundant. To stress on this
fact and then to talk about marriage in the same verse is of great significance
for those of us who are in the field of marriage counseling.
The shift in this attitude of
equality of genders as human beings cause a imbalance in marital relation ship
that leads to dysfunctional marriage. When ever one party considers themselves
superior or above the law there is a shift in the balance of power that may lead
to misuse or abuse of power as the less valuable partner is seen as an easy
prey. Many marital difficulties are based on or caused by control and rule
stratagem.
By stressing on the equality of all
humans men or women and making it the basis of marriage, Allah in His infinite
wisdom has laid the ground rules for establishing peace, as well as the
assigning of different roles to husband and wife as functional strategy rather
than a question of competence as humans.
Prophet Mohammad (peace and
blessings be upon him) has stated that: “men and women are twin halves of each
other” (Bukhari). This Hadith also brings home the fact that men and women are
created from single source. Furthermore, by using the analogy of twin half the
Prophet has underlined the reciprocal nature and the interdependent nature of
men and women’s relationship.
The objective and the goal of
marriage in Islam according to the above Quranic verse is to enable us to dwell
in peace and tranquility. It is important for us to reflect on these words and
their significance in the Islamic frame of reference.
In order to have peace certain
condition must be met. These prerequisites to peace are Justice, Fairness,
Equity, Equality, and fulfillment of mutual rights. Therefore any injustice
whether it is oppression, or persecution, cannot be tolerated if there is to be
peace in Muslim homes.
In the domestic realm oppression is
manifested when the process of Shura (consultation) is compromised, neglected or
ignored. When one partner (in most cases the husband) makes unilateral decisions
and applies dictatorial style of leadership, peace is compromised. Persecution
is present when there is any form of domestic abuse being perpetrated.
Tranquility on the other hand is a
state of being which is achieved when peace has been established. Tranquility is
compromised when there is tension, stress and anger. It is a mistake to take
tranquility to mean perpetual state of bliss. Since being Muslims does not make
us immune to tragedies and catastrophes.
In fact Allah tells us in the Quran
that we will be tried (2:155,57). What a state of tranquility does is to empower
us to handle life’s difficult moments with our spouses as obedient servants of
Allah. Allah in His infinite Mercy also provides us with the tools by which we
can achieve this state of peace and tranquility.
The second principle besides Shura
on which the Islamic family life is based is Mercy (Rehma), and in this verse
Allah is telling us that He has placed mercy between spouses. We are therefore
inclined by our very nature to have mercy for our spouses. Mercy is manifested
through compassion, forgiveness, caring and humility.
It is obvious that these are all
ingredients that make for a successful partnership. Marriage in Islam is above
all a partnership based on equality of partners and specification of roles. Lack
of mercy in a marriage or a family renders it in Islamic terms
dysfunctional.
Allah further states that He has
also placed in addition to mercy, love between spouses. It should however be
noted that Islamic concept of love is different from the more commonly
understood romantic love so valued in the Western cultures.
The basic difference is that love
between man and woman in the Islamic context can only be realized and expressed
in a legal marriage. In order to develop a healthy avenue for the expression of
love between man and woman and to provide security so that such a loving
relationship can flourish, it is necessary to give it the protection of Shariah
(Islamic law).
Marital love in Islam inculcates
the following:
Faith: The love Muslim spouses have
for each other is for the sake of Allah that is to gain His pleasure. It is from
Allah that we claim our mutual rights (Quran 4:1) and it is to Allah that we are
accountable for our behavior as husbands and wives.
It sustains: Love is not to consume
but to sustain. Allah expresses His love for us by providing sustenance. To love
in Islam is to sustain our loved one physically, emotionally, spiritually and
intellectually, to the best of our ability (to sustain materially is the
husbands duty, however if the wife wishes she can also contribute)
Accepts: To love someone is to
accept them for who they are. It is selfishness to try and mould someone as we
wish them to be. True love does not attempt to crush individuality or control
personal differences, but is magnanimous and secure to accommodate differences.
Challenges: Love challenges us to
be all we can, it encourages us to tap into our talents and takes pride in our
achievements. To enable our loved one to realize their potential is the most
rewarding experience.
Merciful: Mercy compels us to love
and love compels us to have mercy. In the Islamic context the two are
synonymous. The attribute Allah chose to be the supreme for Himself is that He
is the most Merciful. This attribute of Rehman (the Merciful) is mentioned 170
times in the Quran, bringing home the significance for believers to be merciful.
Mercy in practical application means to have and show compassion and to be
charitable.
Forgiving: Love is never too proud
to seek forgiveness or too stingy to forgive. It is willing to let go of hurt
and letdowns. Forgiveness allows us the opportunity to improve and correct our
selves.
Respect: To love is to respect and
value the person their contributions and their opinions. Respect does not allow
us to take for granted our loved ones or to ignore their input. How we interact
with our spouses reflects whether we respect them or not.
Confidentiality: Trust is the most
essential ingredient of love. When trust is betrayed and confidentiality
compromised, love loses its soul.
Caring: Love fosters a deep
fondness that dictates caring and sharing in all that we do. The needs of our
loved ones take precedence over our own.
Kindness: The Seerah (biography) of
our beloved Prophet is rich with examples of acts of kindness, he showed towards
his family and particularly his wives. Even when his patience was tried, he was
never unkind in word or deed. To love is to be kind.
Grows: Marital love is not static
it grows and flourishes with each day of marital life. It requires work and
commitment, and is nourished through faith when we are thankful and appreciative
of Allah blessings.
Enhances: Love enhances our image
and beautifies our world. It provides emotional security and physical well
being.
Selflessness: Love gives
unconditionally and protects dutifully.
Truthful: Love is honesty without
cruelty and loyalty without compromise.
II. CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN CHRISTIANITY
by
BRIAN ORCHARD viz: http://www.vision.org/jrnl/0109/marriage.html
Marriage in the 21st century
comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors. But it wasn’t always so. Just as
our societies are undergoing a general transformation, so people’s ideas about
marriage are being reshaped, leaving them wondering what type of union will
survive.
Many have come to the view that fundamental aspects of our society are deficient and need improvement. Marriage, long considered a building block of society, has understandably been caught up in this desire for change. But in the quest to reshape and improve marriage, are people becoming more enlightened or are they reinventing a very old wheel?
Before we overturn long-established ideas about marriage, we need to understand the transformations that have already taken place. From a historical perspective, many of our defining beliefs concerning this ancient institution are rooted in traditional Christianity. Unfortunately, the institutionalized churches have largely forgotten their own roots, often placing tradition and philosophy above the authority of the Scriptures they call holy. The institution of marriage has suffered substantially from this approach.
THE GNOSTIC CONNECTION
To discover where these traditional Christian churches obtained their approach to marriage, it’s helpful to understand something about a spiritual movement that existed side by side with early Christianity and over time became mingled with it. Gnosticism (from gnosis, Greek for “knowledge”) may roughly be defined as a syncretistic religion bearing the strong imprint of Christian influences. It is this syncretism, this grafting of Christian themes into an essentially pagan philosophy, that produced the basis for the concept of marriage as it evolved through the centuries.
Deeply embedded in gnosticism was Oriental dualism, which found various expressions under later Greek influence. This dualism identified the material world as the seat of evil; it therefore also taught that the physical existence of humankind was essentially evil.
Connected to this dualistic philosophy was an attitude of deliberate indifference toward the material world. Marriage and sexual propagation were thus considered either as absolute evil or as altogether worthless, and sexual pleasure was frequently looked upon as forbidden.
This view of marriage and sexual propagation, which had its roots in mystic religions that existed long before Christ walked the earth, became a tenet of traditional Christianity as it developed under the increasing influence of Rome. This despite the efforts of some early church fathers to counter the encroachment of ounsel thought on their religion. Still, through its syncretistic tendencies, gnosticism crept into Christianity and introduced a whole host of sacramental, mystic ideas. This is considered by some historians to have been one of the most powerful factors in the early development of traditional Christianity.
Thus the church, as early as the first and second centuries, embraced a largely pagan view of marriage and sex. Institutionalized religion, following its first generation, absorbed some of the pagan dualism of Greece and pasted the label “sinful” on sex. Through the following centuries, that label stuck as moral standards throughout Europe were driven by the ever more dominant Roman Catholic Church.
The view that marriage and sex were somehow evil and base—that sex must be used only to procreate—placed marriage in an impossible situation. It was robbed of a significant source of the joy and happiness that the union was intended to produce. Yet this was the kind of marriage that many of our forebears accepted as normal.
This repressive “normalcy” promoted by traditional Christianity did not actually begin with the ounsele, however. We find that the real source of this attitude is identified in the pages of the Bible and precedes gnosticism by several millennia.
BACK TO THE BEGINNING
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” says Genesis 1:1. God created the physical environment, with land, atmosphere, seas, plants and animals, as a habitat for the pinnacle of His creation—humankind. He said, “Let Us make man in Our image,” and thus He created humans in His own image. This He did not say about any other aspect of the creation.
God is also shown to be the author of marriage and sex, a point made quite clear in the early chapters of the first book in the Bible. After God had created the man and the woman and had told them to procreate, He announced that “everything He had made . . . was very good.” In the second chapter of Genesis, which fills in more detail of the creation week, we are told that God created the woman from the man and that a man was to leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife as one flesh. Thus God created marriage between a man and a woman, and He designed sex to be a part of the marriage relationship.
The second chapter of Genesis concludes by telling us that these two humans were naked but not ashamed. How different is this approach from what came out of the first and second centuries after Christ under the heading of Christianity? There was absolutely no shame or guilt attached to the relationship between Adam and Eve. So where did a shameful view of sex come from?
In the third chapter of Genesis we are introduced to a serpent, which symbolizes the enemy of God’s way of life, Satan. The account relates how this adversary induced Adam and Eve to reject God’s way as symbolized by the tree of life and instead decide for themselves what was right and what was wrong—an approach that has percolated down to our time today.
As a result of choosing this way, the beautiful relationship Adam and Eve had, as pictured by their unashamed nakedness, was shattered. In Genesis 3:7 we see that because of sin their eyes “were opened”; they knew they were naked and thus hid themselves from God. They became ashamed of their nakedness and had guilt suddenly embedded in their minds.
Here, then, is the origin of ideas that the physical human existence is essentially evil and that marriage and sexual propagation should be considered in a negative light. The first humans disobeyed their Creator, and their attitude toward an ideal relationship—one built on trust, openness and a close bond with the One who had created it all—was subverted.
THE PENDULUM SWINGS
Today’s unhappy state of the marriage union reflects both the earlier repressive attitudes toward marriage and sex and the revolution that rocked those attitudes in the seemingly enlightened 20th century. Repression, in this case led by the church, was bound to bring about a reaction sooner or later. History bears out that repression inevitably does engender a reaction, often toward an opposite extreme. It’s just a matter of time.
Enter Sigmund Freud and others, who appeared on the stage of the late 19th and early 20th centuries declaring that sexual repression and the attitude of shame toward sex were the cause of neuroses and mental disorders. Psychoanalysis pried open the box of sexual repression. Accelerating the pace at which these bold new ideas took hold were two world wars that brought men and women new freedoms and independence and encouraged acceptance of a liberalized sexuality. By the 1960s the world began in earnest to throw off the repressive authority of the church in matters of marriage and sex.
Elaine Storkey, who teaches theology and sociology at the University of London, made some interesting observations in her 2000 book, Created or Constructed? The Great Gender Debate. Regarding societal changes of attitude toward male-female relationships, she wrote that World War II “had unsettled relationships, patterns of hierarchy and values, and the 1950s ultimately failed to win the new generation over to the perspectives of the old. Things were changing at the very heart of these societies. One key change was the whole area of how men and women were to relate to each other. . . . Issues of sex and gender began to surface . . . and a challenge began to be mounted which many in society did not understand. . . . Who was to say which of the historical lessons needed to be called upon in the years following the 1950s?”
Indeed, which historical lesson can we look back to in order to clear the confusion regarding what marriage and sex are all about?
The ultimate historical source for this information is the Bible, which explains why marriage and sex were created.
ALL IN THE FAMILY
If God is the author of marriage, then what did He intend as its purpose?
The concept of the family is central to understanding that original purpose. A major clue can be found in the creation account of Genesis 1. In verse 1 we are introduced to God as the creator of the heavens and the earth. This reference to God in the first verse of the Bible is interesting. The Hebrew word is Elohim, and it is plural. Thus the word Elohim implies a plurality—more than one being. This is consistent with the use of the words Us and Our in verse 26.
This concept is further developed in the New Testament in the Gospel account of the apostle John. In the first chapter, John gives these beings identity: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. . . . And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” (John 1:1–2, 14). John then refers to these two beings, the ones who spoke in Genesis 1, as the Father and the Son (Christ)—a very clear family structure.
We also find a number of references to another familial relationship, that of bride or wife. Revelation 21:9, for instance, talks about “the bride, the Lamb’s [i.e., Christ’s] wife.”
We see, then, that the Scriptures talk of God the Father and Jesus Christ in terms of family relationships. And to complete this godly family, we are told, there will be many additional sons and daughters, among whom Christ is the firstborn (Romans 8:29). The apostle Paul stated in the book of Romans that those led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God, “and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ” (Romans 8:14–17). Again, Paul wrote to the church in Galatia that “because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, ëAbba [i.e., “Father” in Aramaic], Father!’ Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ” (Galatians 4:6–7).
To assist us in understanding these spiritual family relationships, God designed the institution of marriage. The apostle Paul wrote of the human marriage relationship, recapping the Genesis instructions given to Adam and Eve and concluding that “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31–32). Notice that the reason given for physical marriage is the understanding it imparts concerning a spiritual marriage between Christ and the body of believers who comprise the Church. Marriage is a constant reminder of our sacred relationship to Jesus Christ.
With this understanding as a foundation, it becomes clear that the relationships between husband, wife and family are meant to give us insight into the relationships between God the Father and Jesus Christ and between humankind and God. Individually, humans are intended to become the children of God, heirs in God’s family. God ordained the institution of marriage to help teach us about this awesome potential. In other words, the family structure that is based on the human marriage relationship helps us, through physical analogy, to better comprehend God and His plan for us to become a part of His family.
Marriage and sex were designed by God to facilitate an understanding and an appreciation of the sacred, spiritual relationship between the spiritual Creator and the physical humans made in His image. How sad it is that people have been robbed of such an abundant source of fulfillment and happiness.
III.
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN BUDDHISM
Buddhist Views on Marriage
In Buddhism, marriage is regarded as entirely a personal, individual concern and not as a religious duty.
Marriage is a social convention, an institution created by man for the well-being and happiness of man, to differentiate human society from animal life and to maintain order and harmony in the process of procreation. Even though the Buddhist texts are silent on the subject of monogamy or polygamy, the Buddhist laity is advised to limit themselves to one wife. The Buddha did not lay rules on married life but gave necessary advice on how to live a happy married life. There are ample inferences in His sermons that it is wise and advisable to be faithful to one wife and not to be sensual and to run after other women. The Buddha realized that one of the main causes of man’s downfall is his involvement with other women (Parabhava Sutta).Man must realize the difficulties, the trials and tribulations that he has to undergo just to maintain a wife and a family. These would be magnified many times when faced with calamities. Knowing the frailties of human nature, the Buddha did, in one of His precepts, advise His followers of refrain from committing adultery or sexual misconduct.
The
Buddhist views on marriage are very liberal: in Buddhism, marriage is regarded
entirely as personal and individual concern, and not as a religious duty. There
are no religious laws in Buddhism compelling a person to be married, to remain
as a bachelor or to lead a life of total chastity. It is not laid down anywhere
that Buddhists must produce children or regulate the number of children that
they produce. Buddhism allows each individual the freedom to decide for himself
all the issues pertaining to marriage. It might be asked why Buddhist monks do
not marry, since there are no laws for or against marriage. The reason is
obviously that to be of service to mankind, the monks have chosen a way of life
which includes celibacy. Those who renounce the worldly life keep away from
married life voluntarily to avoid various worldly commitments in order to
maintain peace of mind and to dedicate their lives solely to serve others in the
attainment of spiritual emancipation. Although Buddhist monks do not solemnize a
marriage ceremony, they do perform religious services in order to bless the
couples.
Divorce
Separation or divorce is not prohibited in Buddhism though the necessity would scarcely arise if the Buddha’s injunctions were strictly followed. Men and women must have the liberty to separate if they really cannot agree with each other. Separation is preferable to avoid miserable family life for a long period of time. The Buddha further advises old men not to have young wives as the old and young are unlikely to be compatible, which can create undue problems, disharmony and downfall (Parabhava Sutta).
A society
grows through a network of relationships which are mutually inter-twined and
inter-dependent. Every relationship is a whole hearted commitment to support and
to protect others in a group or community. Marriage plays a very important part
in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good
marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse,
from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence. The institution of marriage
provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association
of two individuals to be nurtured, and to be free from loneliness, deprivation
and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving
strength and moral courage to one another, each manifesting a supportive and
appreciative recognition of the other’s skills. There must
be no thought of either man or woman being superior?each is complementary
to the other, a partnership of equality, exuding gentleness, generosity, calm
and dedication.
Birth Control, Abortion and Suicide
Although man has freedom to plan his family according to his own convenience, abortion is not justifiable.
There is no reason for Buddhists to oppose birth control. They are at liberty to use any of the old or modern measures to prevent conception. Those who object to birth control by saying that it is against God’s law to practise it, must realize that their concept regarding this issue is not reasonable. In birth control what is done is to prevent the coming into being of an existence. There is no killing involved and there is no akusala kamma. But if they take any action to have an abortion, this action is wrong because it involves taking away or destroying a visible or invisible life. Therefore, abortion is not justifiable.
According to the Teachings of the Buddha, five conditions must be present to constitute the evil act of killing. They are:
a living being
knowledge or awareness it is a living being
intention of killing
effort to kill, and
consequent death
When a female conceives, there is a being in her womb and this fulfills the first condition. After a couple of months, she knows that there is a new life within her and this satisfies the second condition. Then for some reason or other, she wants to do away with this being in her. So she begins to search for an abortionist to do the job and in this way, the third condition is fulfilled. When the abortionist does his job, the fourth condition is provided for and finally, the being is killed because of that action. So all the conditions are present. In this way, there is a violation of the First Precept ‘not to kill’, and this is tantamount to killing a human being. According to Buddhism, there is no ground to say that we have the right to take away the life of another.
Under
certain circumstances, people feel compelled to do that for their own
convenience. But they should not justify this act of abortion as somehow or
other they will have to face some sort of bad karmic results. In certain
countries abortion is legalized, but this is to overcome some problems.
Religious principles should never be surrendered for the pleasure of man. They
stand for the welfare of the whole mankind.
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THE
REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE
By
Ven.
Dr K Sri Dhammananda
John J.
Robinson in his book “
Of
Suchness
“ gives
the following advice on love, sex and
married
life. “Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried.
If
you have
the right mate, it’s heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four hour daily
hell
that
clings constantly to you, it can be one of the most bitter things in life. Life
is indeed
strange.
Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just
an
infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person
headlong
into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much. This is especially
true if
one drinks and get befuddled; the lousiest slut in a dark bar can look like a
Venus
then, and
her charms become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the
biological foundation between a
man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and
mixed
up”.
Problems
Almost
everyday, we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we
hear
stories about a happy marriage. Young people
reading romantic novels and seeing
romantic
films often conclude that marriage is a bed of
roses. Unfortunately, marriage is
not as
sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are
interrelated and people must
remember
that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and
responsibilities that they had
never expected or experienced hitherto.
People
often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important
event in
their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to
harmonize
their lives by minimizing whatever differences they may have between them.
Marital
problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life
if
the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband,
for the blind wife cannot see
the
faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
Sharing and Trust
One of
the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a
blessing
but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.
Both
husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have
secrets
between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealousy, jealousy
generates
anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or
even
murder.
If a
couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console
each
other and
minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to
experience only pleasure. There
will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they
will have
to face. They must have the strong will power to reduce their burdens and
misunderstandings. Discussing
mutual problems will give them confidence to live
together
with better understanding.
Man and
woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties.
The
feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more
meaningful,
happy and
interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another’s burden.
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Blinded by Emotions
When two
people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and
character
to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said
to be
blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker
side of
each other’s natures.
In
practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other,
and being so
engrossed
in love, they tend to accept each other at “face value” only. Each lover will
not
disclose
the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal
shortcomings are discreetly swept
under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to ounseled
their
chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their
partner’s
faults
thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live
with
these faults, that “love will conquer all”.
However,
after marriage, as the initial romantic mood
wears off, the true nature of each
other’s
character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties,
the
proverbial veil that had so far
been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is
removed
to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.
Material Needs
Love by
itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a
materialistic world and in order
to meet your material needs, proper financing and
budgeting
is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly
bears out
the saying that “when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the
window”.
This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However,
if one
has the basic necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful
planning,
many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.
The
discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between
the
couple.
Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all
problems
as “our problems” and share all the “ups” and “downs” in the true spirit of a
long-standing life partnership.
Pre-marriage Advice
The
Anguttara Nikaya
contains
some valuable advice which the Buddha gave to young
girls
prior to their marriage. Realizing that there
could be difficulties with the new in-laws,
the girls
were enjoined to give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law,
serving
them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honour and respect
their
husbands’ relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere
in
their new
homes.
They were
also advised to study and understand their husband’s natures, ascertain their
activities, characters and
temperaments, and to be useful and cooperative at all times in
their new
homes. They should be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands’ earnings
and see
to it that all household expenditures were properly administered. The advice
given by
the Buddha more than twenty-five centuries ago is still valid even today.
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THE
BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE
In view
of what has been said about “birth and suffering”, some people have ounseled
Buddhism saying that it is against married
life. They are wrong. The Buddha never
spoke
against married life. However, he pointed out all the problems, difficulties and
worries
that people would have to face when they take on the responsibility of marriage.
Just
because he warned one against problems in marriage does not mean that the
Buddha
condemned marriage.
The act
of marriage itself implies that a person is
still more attached to the physical world
and since
our mental faculties are influenced by craving, attachment and human
emotions,
it is but natural that problems would arise. This happens when we have to
consider
the needs of others and to give in to what others need.
Role
of Religion
A deep
analysis of the nature of self is important to help us to understand the origin
of
our
problems, worries, miseries and how to overcome them. Here, religious advice is
important
for maintaining a tranquil life. However, a man should not become a slave to
any
religion.
Man is
not for religion, religion is for man.
That
means man must know
how to
make use of religion for his betterment and for his happiness in a respectable
way.
Simply by following certain religious vows, precepts or commandments with blind
faith or
by force, thinking that we are duty-bound to observe them will not develop
proper
understanding.
One
important aspect of Buddhism is that the Buddha did not impose
any religious laws
or
commandments. The Buddha was a unique teacher who had set out a number of
disciplinary codes for us to
uphold according to our way of life. Those who follow the
precepts
observe them voluntarily but not as obligatory religious laws. It is up to us to
follow
the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us
and for
others. Through trial and error, we will learn to follow the advice which will
give
us just
peace and happiness.
One
should try to understand the nature of the worldly life. By knowing that you
have to
face
problems, you will be able to strengthen your mind and be more prepared to face
the
problems that could arise if you get married. Religion is important to help you
overcome
your problems. Whatever you learnt about religious principles when you were
young can
be adopted to avoid misunderstanding, disappointment and frustration. At the
same
time, certain good qualities such as patience and understanding which we learned
through
religion are important assets to help us to lead a peaceful married life.
Normally,
it is due to a lack of mutual understanding that many married couples lead
miserable
lives. The result of this is that their innocent children also have to suffer.
It is
better to
know how to handle your problems in order to lead a happy married life.
Religion
can help you to do this.
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THE
RELIGIOUS DILEMMA
Individual Rights
One of
the causes of the greatest concern among those who do not belong to the
non-
semitic
religions is the problem of conversion before marriage. While Buddhists and
Hindus
never demand that a couple must belong to the same religion before a marriage
can be
solemnized, many others tend to take advantage of this tolerance.
Marriage, contrary to what many romantic
novels say, does not mean the total and
absolute
merging of two people to the extent that each loses his or her own identity.
When a
religion demands that both partners must have the same religious label, it
denies
the basic human right of an individual to believe what he or she wants.
Societies
throughout history have proved
that “Unity in Diversity” is not only possible but desirable.
Out of
diversity comes greater respect and understanding. This should apply to marriage
also.
There are many living examples all over the world where the husband and wife
maintain
their own beliefs and yet are able to maintain their happy married life without
confronting each other.
Buddhists
do not oppose the existence of other religions even within the same
household. Unfortunately this
generous attitude has been exploited by unscrupulous
religionists who are out to gain
converts by all means.
Intelligent Buddhists must be
aware of this stratagem. No self-respecting intelligent
human
being who really understands what he believes according to his own conviction
should
give up his beliefs merely to satisfy the man-made demands of another religion.
Buddhists
do not demand that their partners embrace Buddhism. Neither should they
surrender
their own beliefs.
Post-marriage Blues
When
young people are in love, they are prepared to make many sacrifies so long as
they can
get married. But after a few years, when the real task of building a successful
marriage begins, frustrations begin to set
in. When a partner who had given up his deep-
seated
religious beliefs for “love” begins to regret having done so, unnecessary
misunderstandings arise. These
provide added tensions at a period when there is
boredom
in a marriage. There will be quarrels. And
normally, one of the main causes of
these
quarrels will be the question of which religion the children should belong to.
Therefore, it is most important
for one to know that if there is a process of conversion
involved,
it must be based on true conviction and not mere convenience or compulsion.
Buddhist
maintains the freedom of the individual to choose. This principle should be
respected
by all.
The
Ceremony
There is
no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage. Buddhism
recognizes the traditions and
cultures ounseled by people in different countries. Hence,
Buddhist
religious ceremonies differ from one country to another.
In
general practice, a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the
couple is
customarily performed either in
the temple or at home to give a greater significance to
the marriage. Nowadays, in many countries, besides the
blessing service, religious
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organizations also have been given
the authority to solemnize and register marriages
together
with the issuance of the legal marriage
certificates.
By and
large, the most important point is that the couple should be utterly sincere in
their
intention
to cooperate with and understand each other not only during times of
happiness
but also whenever they face difficulties.
SECURITY, RESPECT AND
RESPONSIBILITIES
Sense
of Insecurity
In the
past, there was no such thing as a legal registration of marriages. A man and
woman
mutually decided to accept each other as husband and wife and thereafter they
lived
together. Their marriage was carried out in
the presence of the community, and
separation was rare. The most
important thing was that they developed real love and
respected
their mutual responsibilities.
A legal
registration of marriage is important today to
ensure security and to safeguard
property
and children. Due to the sense of insecurity, a couple performs legal marriages
to ensure
that they are legally bound not to neglect their duties and not to ill-treat
each
other.
Today, some couples even draw up a legal contract on what would happen to
their
property if they are divorced!
Husband and Wife
According
to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the
husband can expect the following
qualities
from his wife:
-
love
-
attentiveness
-
family
obligations
-
faithfulness
-
child-care
-
thrift
-
the
provision of meals
-
to calm
him down when he is upset
-
sweetness
in everything
In
return, the wife’s expectation from the husband is:
-
tenderness
-
courtesy
-
sociability
-
security
-
fairness
-
loyalty
-
honesty
-
good
companionship
-
moral
support
Apart
from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take
care of a
day-to-day living conditions, family budget and social obligations. Thus,
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mutual
consultations between the husband and wife on all family problems would
help to
create an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever
issues
that may arise.
The
Buddha’s Advice to a Couple
8)
The
Wife
In
advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated that the
peace and
harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and
practical
when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which a
woman
should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha ounseled that
a wife
should:
8)
not
harbour evil thoughts against her husband;
b) not be
cruel, harsh or domineering;
c) not be
spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
d) guard
and save her husband’s hard-earned earnings and property;
e) always
be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
f) be
faithful and harbour no thought of any adulterous acts;
g) be
refined in speech and polite in action;
h) be
kind, industrious and hardworking;
8)
be
thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband and her attitude
should
equate that of a mother’s love and concern for the protection of her
only son;
j) be
modest and respectful;
k) be
cool, calm and understanding-serving not only as a wife but also as a
friend
and advisor when the need arises.
In the
days of the Buddha, other religious teachers also spoke on the duties and
obligations of a wife towards her
husband stressing particularly on the duty of a wife
bearing
an off-spring for the husband, rendering faithful service and providing conjugal
happiness.
Some
communities are very particular about having a son in the family. They believe
that a
son is necessary to perform their funeral rites so that their after-life will be
good
one. The
failure to get a son from their first wife, gives a man the liberty to have
another
wife in
order to get a son. Buddhism does not support this belief.
According
to what the Buddha taught about the law of Karma, one is responsible for
one’s own
action and its consequences. Whether a son or a daughter is born is
determined not by a father or
mother but the karma of the child. And the well being of a
father or
grandfather does not depend upon the action of the son or grandson. Each is
responsible for his own actions.
So, it is wrong for men to blame their wives or for a man
to feel
inadequate when a son is not born. Such Enlightened Teachings help to correct
the views
of many people and naturally reduce the anxiety of women who are unable to
produce
sons to perform the “rites of the ancestors”.
Although
the duties of a wife towards the husband were laid down in the Confucian code
of
discipline, it did not stress the duties and obligations of the husband towards
the wife.
In the
Sigalovada Sutta
however
the Buddha clearly mentioned the duties of a husband
towards
the wife and vice versa.
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II The
Husband
The
Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his
wife,
declared
that the husband should always honour and respect his wife, by being faithful
to her,
by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving
her
befitting
ornaments. This advice, given over twenty-five centuries ago, still stands good
for
today.
Knowing
the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself superior, the Buddha
made a
remarkable change and uplifted the status of a woman by a simple suggestion
that a
husband should honour and respect his wife. A husband should be faithful to his
wife,
which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations
to his
wife thus
sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the
word.
The
husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence he
should
entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered
as the
keeper and the distributor of the property and the home economic-administrator.
The
provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband’s
love,
care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic practice has been carried
out from
time immemorial in Buddhist communities. Unfortunately it is in danger of dying
out
because of the influence of modern civilization.
The
Past
In the
past, since the social structure of most communities was different from that we
find
today, a husband and wife were interdependent on each other. There was mutual
understanding, and the
relationship was stable because each knew exactly what his or
her role
was in the partnership. The `love’ that some husbands and wives try to show
others by
embracing each other in public does not necessarily indicate true love or
understanding. In the past,
although married couples did not express their love or inner
feeling
publicly, they had a deep even unspoken understanding and mutual respect for
each
other.
The
ancient customs which people had in certain countries that the wife must
sacrifice
her life
after her husband’s death and also the custom which prevents a widow from
remarrying is foreign to
Buddhism. Buddhism does not regard a wife as being
inferior to
a
husband.
Modern
Society
Some
women feel that for them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is
degrading
and conservative. It is true that in the past women had been treated very
badly,
but this was due more to the ignorance on the part of men than the inherent
weakness
in the concept of depending on women to bring
up children.
Women
have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in the field of
education,
the
professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a great
extent.
The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and female more emotional.
In the
domestic scene, particularly in the East, the male is more dominant as head of
the
family
whilst the female tends to remain as passive partner. Please remember, `passive’
here does
not mean `weak’. Rather it is a positive quality of `softness’ and `gentleness’.
If man
and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature
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and
recognize their respective strengths, then, that attitude can contribute towards
a
congenial
mutual understanding between the sexes.
Gandhi’s
remarks:
`I
believe in the proper education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not
make
her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She
can
run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by
mimicking man. She has to be the
complement of man’.
Parental Responsibilities
The basis
of all human society is the intricate relationship between parent and child. A
mother’s
duty is to love, care and protect the child, even at extreme cost. This is the
self-
sacrificing love that the Buddha
taught. It is practical, caring and generous and it is
selfless.
Buddhists are taught that parents should care for the child as the earth cares
for
all the
plants and creatures.
Parents
are responsible for the well-being and up-bringing of their children. If the
child
grows up
to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of parents’
efforts. If
the child
grows up to be delinquent, parents must bear the responsibility. One must not
blame
others or society if children go astray. It is the duty of parents to guide
children on
the
proper path.
A child,
at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love, care and attention of
parents.
Without parental love and guidance, a child will be handicapped and will find
the
world a
bewildering place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and
attention
does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or
otherwise. Too much pampering
would spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love
and care
should also be strict and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict
and firm
does not mean being harsh to the child. Show your love, but temper it with a
disciplined hand the child
will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day
parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad
rush for
material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality,
have
resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in
offices
and shops, rather than remaining at home tending to their off-spring. The
children
left to
the care of relations or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender
motherly
love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, tries to
placate
the child by giving in to all sorts of demands from the child. Such an action
spoils
the
child. Providing the child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine
guns,
pistols,
swords and such like equipment, as an appeasement is not psychologically
good.
Loading a
child with such toys is no substitute for a mother’s tender love and affections.
Devoid of
parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child
subsequently grows up to be a
delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up a
wayward
child? The parents of course! The working mother, especially after a hard day’s
work in
an office to be followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the child
that is
yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for their children
should
not complain when these same children have no time for them when they are old.
Parents
who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are too busy
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should
not complain when their “busy” children in turn leave them in expensive Homes
for the
Aged!
Most
women work today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They
should
seriously consider Gandhi’s advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather
than
freedom from need. Of course, given today’s economic set-up we cannot deny that
some
mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make
extra
sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they
are
away. If
both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there
will be
greater understanding between parents and children.
In his
discourses, the Buddha has listed certain primary duties and functions as
essential
guidelines for parents to observe.
One of the primary guidelines is by precept, practice
and
action, to lead the children away from things that are evil and through gentle
persuasion, to guide them to do
all that is good for the family, for society and for the
country.
In this connection, parents would have to exercise great care in dealing with
their
children. It is not what the parents profess but what they really are and do,
that the
child
absorbs unconsciously and lovingly . The child’s entry into the world is moulded
by
emulating
parental behaviour. It follows that good begets good and evil begets evil.
Parents
who spend much time with their children will subtly transmit their
characteristics
to their
offspring.
Extracted From The Book : A Happy
Married Life
The
Full Text is on Sale and can be obtained from:
Buddhist Missionary Society
Malaysia
Buddhist Maha Vihara
123, Jalan Berhala, Brickfields
50470 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
IV. CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN
JAINISM
Marriage is a social custom that is essential for maintaining a decorous order in society. It is an important celebration in the lives of individuals and their families. Further, it should be pointed out that a rational religion advances peace and happiness at individual level. Such religion promotes a feeling of tolerance and trust in society. All Jains, both single as well as married, imbibe the five virtues of nonviolence, truth, non-stealing, purity of body and mind, and non-possessiveness in their lives. Thus, although marriage is not a religious ceremony in Jainism, it has an element of religion that can not be dismissed. Therefore, Jain marriage ceremony should be different from the marriage ceremonies of followers of other religions.
It is observed that Jain marriage ceremony is not uniform even in different regions of India. People have different preferences and accordingly adopt a variety of rites and rituals, such as exchange of garlands, ring ceremony, reciting Jain prayers, performing Jain worship, taking seven vows and going around the fire. One chooses from these what suits one's preference. As marriage is a social ceremony, it is acceptable to perform these rituals. However, it seems desirable to make the bride and groom aware of the basic concepts and teachings of Jainism. Further, we should not violate the spirit of our beliefs in the process.
V. CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN
HINDUISM
In India, polyandry is form of union in
which a woman has more than one husband at a time, or in which brothers share
wife or wives in common. This form of union was once practiced by the peoples of
the cis-himalayan tract in northern India and among some tribes of the
pre-Dravidian or Dravidian groups in south India. Polygamy is that form of union
in which a man has more than one wife at a time. Plurality of wives obviously
tends to stress and strengthen man’s dominion over woman, more often and with
greater ease than either polyandry or monogamy; and it has wider prevalence than
either of them. In India the pattern has persisted right from the Vedic time to
the present. A Vedic passage discusses the possibility of polyandry and polygamy
in a way that show that, while the former is unnatural the latter is most
natural while polygamy was thus socially approved, the Vedic ideal of marriage
favoured monogamy.
One of the numerous causes which
sociologists have adduced for the rise of the marriage institution, only two
deserve consideration at this stage of our inquisition. First, it has to be
remembered that a review of the history of civilization shows that as men rose a
level or two higher than their original barbarity, they ceased to lead each his
own solitary life and began to live in groups. At the stage men gradually
realised how marriage in a very great measure secured the internal unity of a
group and it was precisely this realisation which made for the adoption of the
marriage custom. Now we will see a rough idea of the different forms which
marriage assumed one after another as a result of the changing conditions of
advancing civilization. It was a common practice in those times for a mighty
group to invade smaller and weaker groups vanquish them and capture as many men
as possible and carry them as slaves. With men came women too whom did the
victors take unto wives. Marriage was thus based on this idea of women’s
servitude, and this form of marriage prevailed during the whole period of
struggle and strife. But times slowly changed, the sword gradually ceased to the
sole arbiter, smaller wandering groups evolved into big and stable societies,
peace came to be loved, and law and order began to have a hold on people. This
change brought a corresponding change in men’s outlook on things and fellow
beings, and women were no longer regarded as serfs. With this advent of a more
generous attitude towards the weaker sex woman obtained the right of choosing
her lover, and this gave rise to new forms of marriage like swamyamvara,
gandhrva vivaha and love marriage. (we have here to request the reader to note
that our observation applies more particular to the history of marriage in Hindu
society, and the three forms of marriage mentioned above are discussed in the
standard religious books of the Hindus). The next important stage in the history
of the marriage custom was marked when marriage came to be swayed by religion
and began to be regarded more as a religious than a social duty. Religion
gradually assumed such an unquestioned authority that it took upon itself the
right of defining the duties and obligations of the husband and the wife and
laid various functions on the wedded couple; and at last its word was law as to
the rituals which alone rendered marriage valid. Mr.V.Vaidya’s (an accomplished
deccani scholar) idea is that if we take the list of eight varieties of marriage
described in the shrutis, viz., Brahma, daiva, arsha, prajapaatya, gandhrva,
asura, rakshsa and paishacha and read it from the end backward we really shall
have gone over the chronological order of the different phases through which the
institution of marriage passed in India. Paishach kind of marriage is nothing
but anarchy in sexual matters, the rakshasa marriage consists in carrying off
the bride by force and based on the conception of woman’s slavery, in the asura
marriage the bride is purchase, and in the gandharva form the lovers choose each
other and enter into wedlock. The remaining four kinds are an indication of the
times when religion predominated and determined the whole process of marriage.
In short these eight kinds are a record in brief of the various forms, which
marriage took at different stages of civilization. (Refer ‘sex problem in India’
by N.S.Phadke Mental and moral philosophy, Kolhapur).
The aims of Hindu marriage are said to be
dharma, praja and rati. Though sex is one of the functions of marriage, it is
given third place, indicating thereby that it is the least desirable aim of
marriage. To stress the lower role of sex in marriage, the marriage of sudra is
said to be for pleasure only. Hindu marriage is considered sacred rites
accompanied by the sacred formulae. Similarly marriage is said to be essential
for woman because that is only sacrament that can be performed for her. As
marriage is said to be sacred it is irrevocable. The parties to the marriage
cannot dissolve it at will. They are bound to each other until the death of
either of them; and the wife is supposed to be bound to her husband even after
his death. This concept of marriage, that it is indissoluble, is a lofty one
because it means that the husband and wife after marriage have to adjust their
tastes and temper, their ideals and interests, instead of breaking with each
other when they find that these differ. It thus involves sacrifices on the part
of both husband and wife as each is called upon to overcome the incompatibility
of the other. Hindu marriage, thus viewed, is not an ordinary affair wherein the
weakness of flesh plays a dominant part. On the contrary, demands of personal
gratification and pleasures are subordinated, and the individual is called upon
to make marriage a success by means of compromises and adjustments.
In Hindu marriage, despite the fact that
marriage was considered to be irrevocable, the two partners were not regarded as
being equals in their obligations and privileges. The ideal of ‘pativruta’, i.e.
being devoted to the husband alone, popularised by the puranic writers, not
merely implied fidelity to the husband but make service to the husband the only
duty of the wife and her main purpose of life. A wife’s only concern in life was
to see that all services needed by her husband were properly performed by her,
the satisfaction of her husband being her sole of joy in life. On the death of
the husband, the wife had either to live chastely, renouncing all the joys of
life, to follow her husband by immolating herself with his body on the pyre.
However, nowadays the modern woman is no longer prepared to accept a social code
which recognizes the dominance of the male as binder on her. Conventional
morality is receding into the background and emotional integrity has become the
ideal of marriage. Further, the democratic ideal to which Indians are now
committed by their constitution and which has been defined as political, social,
religious equality, lends force to economic processes and the findings of
psychological investigations. Social coercion and legal sanctions become less
necessary when society accepts the principle that the sex life of responsible
adults is their own concern. This principle provides for the satisfaction of the
emotional requirements of the partners in marriage, a factor of which our social
ideology has, in the past, taken no account. There is nothing sinister or
dangerous in the concept of freedom in marriage. According to Ellis, who is
quoted by Mahatma Gandhi, freedom cannot destroy but confirms marriage’s
stability and purifies its practice. In short, marriage continues to be
sacrament; only it is raised to an ethical plane. We rather go back to Vedic
ideal embodied in the saptapadi formula, ’i take thee to be my companion in
life’.
Dr.Radha Krishna,
one of the best modern philosophers in India, describes Hindu ideal marriage as
"the Hindu ideal of marriage is essentially between a man and a woman who seek
to live creatively in partnership for the pursuit of 4 great objects of life:
artha, kama and moksha." In fact, the married couple immediately after
consummation start their career as the keepers of home wherein they do their
best to fulfill their vow not to fail each other in their pursuit of ‘dharma’,
‘artha’ and ‘kama’ for the sake of achieving ‘moksha’. The marriage is to
procreate and preserve the social system, to perform ceremonies and rituals
necessary thereto and to pass the torch to next generation. In this sense,
Hinduism is essentially a domestic culture and this is one reason why the
citadels of orthodoxy is to be found among the Hindu women
_________________________________The
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