Problems, Conflicts and Crises in Marriage, and Solutions.
Marriage is
basically for mutual care for which basic necessity is understanding and,
unfortunately, the care is always tied up with expectations. Therefore any
lacking in care, understanding or fulfillment of expectations in marriage
brings problems to the unit. Having gone thro’ the positive side of marriage,
i.e. the smooth marital life, and analysed the psychological complementaries,
now we will see the negative side of marriage, i.e. conflicts and problems, and
also find out the solutions.
Mainly problems in
marriage arise on account of: -
I. Clash between
(a) dependence and independence; (b) egoism and helplessness; (c) common
interest and self-interest.
II. Ignorance of
difference in natural attitudes and approaches between the two sexes.
III. Improper communication,
communication-gap, misunderstanding and taken granted.
IV. Non-performance
of duties and non-fulfillment of responsibilities.
V. The difference
between the expectations (on account of personal values) and reality.
VI. Difference in economic
perception.
VII.
Dissatisfaction, insatiation, irritation, hurt and helplessness.
VIII. Egoism,
selfishness and domination.
IX. Either of the
partner, or the both, forgetting the common interest.
Any problem in
marriage is on account of the following reasons: -
1 Egoism.
2 Lack of common
interest.
3 Misunderstanding.
4 Conflict of
preferences and personal values
5 Insatiation.
6 Dissatisfaction.
7 Discouraging (or
not helping, or caring, for) the other’s personality development and personal
hobbies so long it does not affect the family.
8 Creating and
enjoying the other’s helplessness and insecurity.
9 Not adjusting to
the other sex’s psychological differences.
10 Not keeping up
the other’s trust.
11 Selfishness over
mutuality.
12 Lack of
performance of expected and accepted duties and responsibilities.
13 Notwithstanding
the above, hurting for selfishness.
14 Not respecting
the other’s individuality.
Therefore the
required factors for marriage are: - trust, understanding, common-interest,
care, helping for each other’s personality development, maturity of values and
discipline.
In marriage,
conflict is on account of: -
1. Attack on
identity.
2. Lack of
satisfaction and establishing such patterns.
3. Misunderstanding
4. Communication
gap.
5. Lack of understanding
and support during one’s emotions, and rubbing the spouse with negative
attitude during that mood.
6. Non-performance
of duties and responsibilities, and instead of accepting mistake, defending the
mistake.
7. Different
perceptions on priorities and lack of handling the issue jointly.
8. Self-interest
over mutual interest – lack of properly understanding or lack of convincing.
9. Criticism is a
psychological axe, hurts the feelings.
10.Not adhering to
the principles of marriage like sexual diversity, creating insecurity, not
caring, not adhering to the expected values.
To overcome
conflicts and problems and misunderstandings, in marriage, the couple should: -
1. Establish free
and frank communication.
2. Develop common
interest, common and shared values.
3. Respect each
other.
4. Love each other.
5. Understanding.
6. Sex with each
other.
7. To maintain
togetherness.
8. Turning the
fight into opportunity for honesty and understanding.
9. Maintain
intimacy outside bedroom, like touching, sudden hug, affectionate pet, teasing
but pleasing tickles, sense of humour in common interest and shared values.
10. Trust, honesty,
sincerity, patience, flexibility, adjustments, forgiveness, commitment to
sexuality.
11. Spending time
for togetherness with intimacy and love including for sex; commitment to
sexuality.
12. Both the
partners melting their ‘self’ into their ‘marital unit’ as one; but outside
their marriage keeping up one’s individuality and helping the other for
developing his/her personality on positive side.
13. Consultation,
discussion but not arguments.
14. Accept and love
spouse as he /she is.
15. Strictly in
between the couple losing and giving-in is the success and both following this
principle is the success of marriage.
16. Expanding common
interest, views and values.
17. In any problem,
crisis, conflict and misunderstanding, both should deal with the topic, or
subject, rather than dealing with personalities of either especially on
negative side, and amicable solve it with discussion and consultation of course
ultimately beneficial to the family.
18. Maintaining
unity, within which respecting the other’s individuality and allowing and
helping the other’s personality development (materialistically, emotionally,
sentimentally and spiritually).
19. Developing
sentimental attachment between the couple.
20. Mutual interest
should always win over self-interest in family.
21. Trying to
resolve the issues within marriage and if at all outside help is required both should
approach the ideas of the outsider.
22. Not complaining
either about one’s marriage, or the spouse, outside marriage unless all the
efforts and means are lost in marriage.
23. Disagreement is
allowed but not disapproval.
24. Individuality
is to be allowed in marriage not affecting the marriage, or family.
Conflict: - many
couples get caught in the circles of conflict they hate but can’t seem to
escape. Now, researchers who study the ways married people communicate are
shedding new light on these patterns. They find three common threads: (1) the
first is the need to save. “There is an image of yourself at stake that you
feel you must defend, even though you know it is not going to get you
anywhere”, says Linda Garris, the Asst. Prof. Of family studies at the
University of Connecticut. There is attack on identity and the usual tendency
is to defend and in the process the incident that triggered the dispute is
lost;) 2) the second significant factor is misunderstanding; (3) the third
common characteristic of recurring arguments is that the issue on the surface
is seldom what the real discontentment is about. In fact, patterns of conflict
are rooted more in the way of husbands and wives relate to each other than in
any personal flaw. Linda Harris says that co-operating or actually giving in
when you don’t want to, for the good of relationship, can work wonders in
shattering destructive pattern. Sometimes recycled arguments are no more than
annoyances, but other times they are real danger signals of an unhealthy
relationship, says psychologist John Gottman, a Prof. at the
In the book,
‘Marriage roses all the way’, the authors C.Northecote Parkinson, M.K.Rustomji
and W.Vieira state that most marital conflicts arise out of three main
problems: (1) Unrealistic expectations; (2) Lack of communication,
understanding and empathy; (3) Widely differing value systems. The problem is
many people look for a dream partner and refuse to see their prospective mate
as he or she really is. Conflicts may also arise from different cultural,
ethnic or religious backgrounds or from disappointment in sex, except in such
partnership where both husband and wife are tolerant of each other’s views,
attitudes and beliefs and even prejudices. The solution is, to be as objective
as possible, and to accept each other the way you are. Don’t force changes in
attitudes and habits, which have been cultivated over a lifetime. It’s not
easy. Wide differences in values are often glossed over in the initial stages
of a relationship it is assumed at the time that both parties are heading
towards the same objectives at the same speed. When the breach is observed it
is often too late. By then the dam has burst. Talking about goals and values
helps to establish where each partner is heading. When there is sincere
agreement on broad objectives, minor deviations an be taken care of by
understanding and love. There is no value that survives unless it assaulted and
survives that assault. Assault causes that value to be more deeply entrenched.
If your marriage means anything to you, take care never to ridicule your
partner’s religious beliefs and rituals, or to make him or her suspect that you
think them unnecessary. The authors of the book add that even though it’s nice
and romantic to speak of togetherness but too much of it in a marriage can
become a disease.
Role-Play: - In her
1949 classic, ‘male and female’, anthropologist Margaret Mead says that there
is only one biologically based constant: women’s role in all societies includes
the bearing, nursing and primary care of children. When the same occupations,
performed by men, are performed by women, they are regarded as less importance.
In a great number of societies, men’s sureness of their sex role is ties up
with their right, or ability, to practise same activity that women are not allowed
to practise. Men’s need to have a role clearly distinguished from women’s can
be traced to three fundamental differences between boys and girls: (1) a baby
boy is different from his mother. The boy’s need to differentiate himself from
his mother has consequences for adult relationships; (2) men can’t have babies;
(3) most males are more muscular and aggressive than most females. This is a
biological difference that most cultures have used as the raw material for a
unique male role. Mr. Richard Robertiello, a
Romance vs.
marriage: - Men and women who expect marriage to be a continuation of the
ecstasy of the courtship are in the disappointment. Romantics ignore the fact
that the people grow weary of each other unless they have cultivated common
interests and values. Conjugal affection is slow burning heat – warming flame.
It can’t exist without kindness, consideration, communication, adjustment to
each other’s habits, and joint participation in several activities, consensus
on values and respect. Married couples must build-up a “common capital” of act,
habits, and expenses that results in mutual acceptance, without the impossible
illusions of the romantic ideal. In a good marriage, there will 75 to 80%
togetherness but also sufficient separateness to permit individual growth and
privacy. Politeness, tact and good humour all help to create a relaxed and
loving home.
Romance is by it
very nature incompatible with marriage even if one has led to the other, for it
is the very essence of romance to thrive obstacles, delays, separations, and
dreams, whereas it is the basic function of marriage daily to reduce and
obliterate these obstacles for marriage succeeds only in constant physical
proximity to the monotonous present. Secondly the logical and normal outcome of
marriage founded only on romance is divorce, for marriage kills romance, if
romance reappears, it will kill the marriage by its incompatibility with the
very reason for which the marriage was contracted. Like passion, romance is
more a way of feeling love than of acting it, more being in love than loving.
The great difference between passion and romance is that the later passes away
by definition, depending upon the quality of the obstacles left to overcome. To
attack romance from the moral standpoint would be an error, since romance
attacks precisely because in it lies some ostensible capability and it
disappears when it is universally acclaimed. We should succeed in limiting its
dangers much more adequately by simply pointing out to young people that,
valuable though it is, romance is nevertheless by its very nature incapable of establishing
a durable marriage, and that it is not an act of courage but one of absurdity
to marry someone forever because of a fever that endures for two months.
Marital hazards: -
Carrying-over the conflict between the couple outside bed-room to the bed-room
in spite of a partner’s inclination towards sex: “this kind of misunderstanding
is hazardous to marital health” declares psychiatrist and sex therapist Avodah
Offile, “it is better to settle the original clash instead of setting up a
communications blackout which will only lead to more serious effects.”
Dr.Offile also urges couples to plan and prepare for their sexual encounters,
because anticipating sexual pleasure can add immeasurable to its ultimate
enjoyment. Husbands and wives who solve the problem of sexual communications
will not only narrow the margin for misunderstandings in their marriage, they
will also add to their enjoyment of the physical act of love. Companionship is
virtually important to marital satisfaction. The successful marriage is not one
in which there are no fights, but one in which fights are turned into
opportunities for greater honesty and understanding.
Make hard times
work for marriage: - (avoid finger pointing) when one person does have a larger
share of responsibility for a problem, both spouses need to acknowledge that
burden. (Express yourself) body language is often more eloquent than talk;
often a predicament pushes couple into an all-too-familiar out: she thinks he
doesn’t have feelings because he won’t talk about them; he thinks she’s too
emotional because she won’t talk about anything else. (Accept the differences)
unfortunately, a response that’s unlike one’s own may seem inappropriate to the
person; in such situations, it is necessary to talk about one’s perceptions and
give each other the benefit of doubt. (Be flexible) both partners need freedom
to express wide range of emotions and may find themselves trading point of
view. The important thing is that, over time each is the consoler and the
consoled. (Be kind to each other) in good times forgiveness, openness,
acceptance, flexibility and kindness will enrich the married relationship. In
bad times they will keep the marriage strong – just when the couple need it
most.
When conflicts
arise from temperamental differences between husband and wife, family
therapists suggest the following techniques:
1. Reverse roles:
On lighter side, taking the other partner’s arguments (the screamer gets an
idea of how it feels to be screamed at, etc).
2. Be adaptable.
3. Be specific: -
Not to attack the other partner’s overall character or hurting him but to say
exactly what is bothering.
Do you adore his
passionate style when he expresses love, but hate it when he yells in anger?
Both are facets of an emotional temperament; you may not get one part of the
package without the other.
How to survive
marital storms: -
1. Recognise that
anger is a normal position: if you can agree that a husband and wife who love
each other will probably experience envy, annoyance, even anger, then neither of
you will panic when it happens. By giving your mate the right to an occasional
sulk, you have transmitted a wonderful gift.
2. Be cautious
about protecting your ‘right: reasonably secure persons do not see every
misunderstanding as an occasion to assert themselves. They can compromise
without losing self-composure.
3. Be first to make
changes: many couples stuck in repetitive behaviour. A therapist may use
pressure to get them unstuck, but that maybe necessary if first one will decide
to change. This is not easy. There is within us all a resistance to change,
which has, at its root, pride. To change is to admit that we are wrong. But if
you take the initiative and begin afresh, you may break the deadlock.
4. Resist the
impulse to give up: ‘many couples who come to my clinic are ready to throw in
the towel’, says Alan Loo Meginnis, ‘but in almost every case I have helped
them discover that the best marriage for them is the one they’re in, and that
it can be saved if they want it to be.
5. Cultivate
humility: most lovers have to learn to say, ‘I’m sorry’, because two people who
live together are bound to bump into each other. If you do not want to hurt the
other, apologise.
6. Add a positive
of tolerance: some of the best marriages are composed of two people who are
very different often with striking idiosyncrasies – but who are tolerant of
each other and adjust to, or overlook, the irritants. Psychologist Carl Rogers
uses this analogy: “when I walk on the beach to watch the sun set I do not call
out, ‘a little more orange over to the right, please,’ or, ‘would you mind
giving less purple in the back’; no, I enjoy the always different sunsets as
they are, we’d do well to do the same with the people we love.
Problems in
marriage: -
1. Posturing: -
both sides take their positions and antagonism appears.
2. Polarised
thinking: - exaggerated bad qualities are ascribed to the other side – while
failing on one’s own side, even if highly relevant to the crisis, are
overlooked; by mentally preparing, the antagonists ready themselves for cruel
and heartless actions to come.
3. Domination of
emotions: - in crises, emotion not the reason leads the charge.
4. False
justification: - as the rhetoric and posturing continues, the couple may start believing
their own vituperation as the naked truth; fact becomes almost irrelevant at
this advanced stage of crisis.
Features of crisis
situations: A crisis is a problem that has gotten out of hand. The following
features characterize crisis situations: -
1. Stress – as the
crisis emerges, stress begins to develop.
2. Rigidity – as
the crisis deepens, thinking becomes rigid, ever simplified and dominated by
emotion.
3.
Mentalcpmstroctopm – the range of alternative solutions shrinks.
4. Disruption of
concentration – as the crisis continues, stress builds up and the ability to
concentrate on the relevant features of the problem fades. The uncertainty of
the situation leads to further anxiety, which makes the couple less effective
in working out a rational solution.
5. Suspicion – a
sense of distrust and hurt, combined with antagonistic feelings, reduce the
prospects of working out a fair compromise.
6. Crisis autonomy
– the crisis takes on a life of its own – each spouse fares in fire. Neglect –
responding to crisis by working harder and ignoring other important aspects of
their lives.
Personality
conflict: - Fundamental to any successful relationship is evoking and nurturing
the right shades in each other. Problems in marriage are of two types: viz.
those that pit the partners against each other and those that they must face
together. Conflict arises from disagreements, and disagreements are rooted in
differences of perceptions, opinions, and preferences. To eliminate problems,
so make it a habit, early in marriage, to work as a team to solve a problem,
rather than trying to defeat each other. As far issues concerned, focus on the
issue and strip it off all disguises. Sometimes people go to great lengths to
come up with the silliest accusations and excuses to vent their frustrations.
Try to work your way through these smoke-sirens and pinpoint the real issue,
then attack the problem together. The only options that should ever be
considered in marriage are those that result in mutual gain. The win-win (i.e.
both win) strategy should be the standard for all negotiations and
decision-making in marriage.
Token behaviour: -
At times of tension, argument and high emotions, it is important to do or say
something that will tone things down – anything in the right direction is
welcome. In marriage the rhetoric of belligerence is the most deadly thing next
to physical violence; words can hurt – they can hurt very badly and for a
longer time. One should take it – problems, conflicts and disputes are
constants of life.
Rules for marital
conflict: - Conflicts arise even in the most perfect of relationships. To deal
with conflict to your marriage, we recommend two simple rules: -
Rule no.1: - Always
resolve your differences amicable, lovingly and peacefully;
Rule no.2: - In
those instances where you fail to resolve your differences amicably, refer to
rule no.1.
Solving problems: -
a problem is any difficulty or challenge that demands a solution. We should
view problems as opportunities for personal growth, learning, and the exercise
of our ingenuity. There are certain attitudes and practices that help in
solving problems:
1. Having
confidence.
2. Experiencing
success: Success is the surest way of developing self-confidence and self-esteem,
which, in turn, are crucial to further success.
3. Seeing
opportunities: Facing problems as opportunities to grow, to achieve, to
overcome, will make a world of difference.
4. Learning: We
must learn skills that help meet our personal needs and enable as to relate to
others.
The crisis of the
modern couple: - Since, in the western sense of term, there is no family
without a marriage at its source, it is clear that all problems of the family
are, practically speaking, subordinate of those of the couple. Everything,
which touches the relationship of couple, therefore, touches the family at its
very root. Thus it follows that the whole point of view in considering family
problems would change radically in society, which would systematically question
the causes, the methods, the customs, the aims, and the duration of the union
of man and woman into a couple founding a family. Such an eventuality is not
purely imaginary; our present society approximates the experience of it. In all
other civilizations, and in our own up to the present day, the mutual choice of
mates has depended largely upon collective factors: sacred rotes (exogamy,
endogamy, levirational or sororal laws, to mention only the most familiar),
social rank, race, religion, and, later, the level of education and fortune.
The margin of purely individual choice, which this ensemble of rules, taboos,
and conventions permits, has remained in most cases proactively negligible.
Today the situation is reversed. In a majority of cases, these collective
factors, which we have just named, not only do not play a deciding role but
also are no longer capable of playing even the role of obstacle of restraint,
which could still be attributed to them in the 19th century. This evolution
seems parallel to the evolution of sex which, with the Christian era, is
exfoliated from the collective subconscious, frees itself from religious rites,
and, by a process of introspection, tends to become an integral aspect of each
individual’s logic. It is to be noted that the expression ‘sexual problem’ is
very recent, having appeared only in approximately in the year 1830.
A wife does not
like her man to be: untrusting, condemning, angry, demanding, uncaring,
irresponsible, insensitive, impulsive, unkind, thoughtless, unloving, too
offending, critical and rejecting. So also a husband does not like his woman to
be: lazy around the house, sexually cold, and emotionally serious, noisy,
sneaky, overtly critical and quarrelsome or bad mother, inflexible, too
independent and bold, disrespected nagging, negative to his relatives, too
dominating, too emotional.
Sex: - Sex is a
most pleasant act if it involves mutual desire. There is nothing wrong abnormal
in marital sex if it is done with the consent of both. It is a myth that one
cannot live a happy married life without sex. The worst part among married
partners is to force sex upon the other as an obligation. Obligated mating may
release the tension at the tip of the penis but increases tension in the head.
As open communication with the spouse can solve many sexual problems in the
marital life. The couple has to experiment with other avenues to give each
sexual satisfaction – sexual adjustment and gratification by genital or
non-genital union solves many marital problems. In a congenial and harmonious
marriage both partners contribute and complement each other’s personal
development and growth.
If a marriage is to
be saved, both partners have to work at restoring trust and communication. To
do this, psychologists V.Daniel O’Leary and Hillary Turkewits recommend these
rules: (1) ask for positive changes in behaviour instead of attacking negative
behaviour; (2) respond directly to criticism instead of making counter charges;
(3) confine conversation to the present and future. Don’t speculate on motives
or analyse character; (4) listen. Masters and Johnson, about successful
relationship, say, “love and physical desire wax and wane thro’out a life time.
This can be accepted and enjoyed, if partners can communicate.
In a marriage,
neither partner, or spouse, should become exclusively a talker, or a listener,
both should be each other’s caring listener on a fair and equal basis, now we
will see the seven don’t of good listening: -
(1) Don’t interrupt.
(2) Don’t
contradict.
(3) Don’t criticize
or lecture about past behaviour.
(4) Don’t nod your
head constantly.
(5) Don’t assume
what is said is the total content of the message (watch carefully for clues in
tone and body language for what might be really bothering someone.)
(6) Don’t interrogate
or patronize (don’t probe thro’ questions that aim to prove him, or her, wrong).
(7) Don’t use the
occasion for self-aggrandismenent.
A sure sign of
problematic marriage is when the couple doesn’t talk much to each other:
talking to each other has come to a dead stop, because the couple has little
common; or every time they talk, the experience is negative. The quality of the
conversation influences the desire to spend time together. If you want a
successful marriage, then you have to talk, joke and banter. You have explore
emotions and let off stream. Let the worries of daily life go up in the hot air
of verbal outflows. Talking is like air for marriage: no marriage can do
without it.
Communication
usually begins with the intent to convey information to someone else. The
sender must convert the intent into an actual message that is presented to the
presented to the intended recipient. The message may be verbal (word or sound)
or non verbal (consisting of a look, a touch, or an action). The recipient must
not only receive the message, but also understand and interpret its meanings.
At each one of these simple steps, things can and do go wrong. It is important
to recognize that inconsistencies between non-verbal cues and verbal content
are usually resolved in favour of the former. In this sense, non-verbal
messages are more ‘powerful’ than spoken words alone. For this reason, it is
useful to communicate in ways that maintain consistency between the verbal and
non-verbal messages. You send to your partner, taking care to avoid sending
mixed messages by saying one thing with your words and something different with
your body language or vocal one. In fact, non-verbal messages apply in a
special way to sexual interactions. Communicating in an intimate relationship
differs in certain ways from communicating with other people in your life.
While trust and vulnerability are not methods of communication, they are
necessary preconditions for intimate communications to occur.
“i” language: - One
of the most direct ways to communicate clearly and to avoid mind reading games
in a relationship is to use a highly effective style of communicating called
“i” language. By assuming responsibility for starting your own needs and
preferences, you relieve your partner of having to figure out what will please
you. It is also important to realize that ‘i’ language is not the only way of
communicating effectively in an intimate relationship. Similarly, ‘you’
sentences that offer positive rather than critical content – for example
“you’re so kind and sensitive” – are certainly welcome in any relationship.
Thus, ‘i’ language should be seen as a potential way of achieving clarity in
intimate communication instead of as the only correct way of communicating with
your partner. When affection is expressed only during sex, and not at any other
time, it can lead a person to feel as though it is a limited or conditional
affection – in other words.
Expressing anger: -
In most cases anger develops from preceding feeling of hurt, resentment, or
frustration. If these can be identified and discussed while they’re in their
early stages before they grow into anger, there is a much better chance of
dealing with them successfully and avoiding the harm that anger can produce.
Carol Tavris observes, “In the final analyses, managing anger depends on taking
responsibility for one’s emotions and one’s actins. On refusing the temptation,
for instance, to remain stuck in blame or fury or silent resentment.
Art of listening: -
The ability to listen accurately and empathetically is actually a complex
process. Here are some specific pointers about what is taken to be an effective
listener: -
1) Effective
listening is an active rather than passive process; this can be done by
eye-contact, nodding your head, or asking an occasional question to clarify a
point without disrupting your partner’s message.
2) Effective
listening requires your undivided attention.
3) Effective
listeners are patient in their listening styles. The patient listener realizes
that a bit encouragement early in a conversation can set the stage for a more
meaningful dialogue late on. At the same time patient listeners refrain from
the temptation to barge in with their own comments before the other person has
completed his or her message.
4) Effective
listeners avoid putting undue emphasis on one word or phrase in a message and
wait for the message to be completed before they react to it.
5) Effective
listeners pay attention to what the speaker is actually saying instead of
approaching conversations with pre-conceived notions of what might be said.
6) Effective
listeners are attuned to their partners even when there’s been no request for a
discussion; sometimes the most important communications occur in odd, of hand
moments rather than in planned, formal dialogues. Unless you’re tuned in to
this possibility and receptive to what is being said, you seriously cut down
the chances of spontaneous communications, which are often the most valuable.
7) You don’t have
to agree in order to listen – in fact, it can be useful to agree to disagree;
the point of being a good listener is to understand what the speaker is saying,
this does not mean you have to endorse the message. Recognize that your partner
is expressing his or her feelings, which may be very different from your own.
Part of the art of listening is deciding when to listen and when to reward.
According to Leslie
Navran, PhD., in ‘ communication and adjustment in marriage’ in ‘family
process’ and Harold Rausch, Wells Goodrich and John D.Campbell in ‘adaptation
to the first years of marriage, and ‘human adaption’, ‘coping with life crises’
by Rudolph Moos, communicating successfully means being able to express
yourself in a way that can be heard by you mate and listening carefully enough
to interpret what you mate is trying to get across of you; communicating well
is a matter of a paying attention not just to how you and your spouse converse,
but also to how you relate non-verbally; it means making as much effort as
possible to understand and be understood. The way you communicate can aggravate
any problems you already have. If you or your spouse expresses yourself in way
that make it difficult to be heard accurately, or if either of you bottles-up
you’re feeling so that other feels insulted, or confused, making decision will
be not only belaboured but also painful and destructive.
If you and your
spouse have difficulty communicating, consider whether either of you fits into
one of the following two categories: -
1. The
over-expressive mate: If you can’t just say why you’re angry, but always need
to yell and shout to express your anger if you’re not content with stating your
thoughts and opinions but to rant rave about what you believe in, if you don’t
just feel happy but need to let everyone know how happy you feel, then you are
someone with hat psychiatrists call ‘histrionic’ traits. You tend to live in a
whirlwind of emotional frenzy and feel anxious when things become quiet and
calm.
2. The under
expressive mate: if you are quiet, comfortable with expressing feelings,
rational rather than impulsive, then, in psychiatric terms, you may have
‘obsessional ’ traits. You keep your feelings in, never really saying what’s in
your mind. You often leave your spouse wondering what you are thinking.
Communication
combinations: - What matters is not just how you act toward each other, but you
react. In most marriages, a typical pattern of communicating gets set up
between mates. Often spouses use their personal style of arguing as a power
tool. If you scream and yell, you may be trying to scare your mate into giving
into you. If you tend to withdraw, you may be using your silence to make your
mate feel anxious or guilty. If your style is highly exaggerated – if you’re
either very withdrawn or overemotional in your communication style – that
exaggeration may reflect a deeper personality problem. You may wield your
temper or keep your feelings to yourself because of fears of underlying
emotions, some of which may stem from low self-esteem. Generally, if your
styles clash you know it – for instead of being asked to come to mutual
decisions and successfully resolving conflicts, you spend time together
attacking each other how you communicate. If you and your spouse are both
expressive, you may have a very open, calm, sharing marriage or a very
aggressive, competitive relationship – all depending on how you express
yourselves. If you both present your feelings calmly and respectfully then you
probably have a very strong, healthy relationship. If you express your feelings
through screaming, yelling, throwing thing at each other, then your need to
assert yourselves may stem from insecurity – from a fear of being swallowed up
by each other, a fear of being vulnerable or passive. There is no great virtue
in expressing what is on your mind if it is done in a way that is hurtful.
Silent duo: - Indeed, probably the only thing worse than when a couple fights
all the time is when a couple never airs their needs, wishes, or discontent.
Being silent when communication is clearly called for may result from a fear of
rejection, disappointment, and humiliation. But silence may also be a power
ploy. There is power in holding back, in leaving your mate to wonder what is
going on in your mind; because there are so many decisions that need to get
made in marriage, you must be direct about your wishes and expectations in
order to reap marital and individual fulfillment. If you are too withdrawn
about what you want from your spouse and your marriage, inevitably your needs
won’t get met and underlying resentments will fester. Silence is not always
golden.
Vicious Circles: -
Here is how a vicious cycle works: you have a disagreement that leads one of
you to feeling attacked, threatened, hurt, uncared for, unloved, or berated –
which leads the injured party (let’s say it’s you) to counterattack – which
sets the vicious cycle in motion. With regard to breaking a vicious cycle, if
you care about your marriage, you cannot take for granted your recovery from
vicious cycles. You both need to make a special effort to break them when they
occur. The following considerations must be weighed and acted upon in order to
break a vicious cycle: -
1. Recognise when
the level of your anger and your spouse’s is escalating.
2. Recognise how
your spouse may have been unintentionally, or intentionally, hurt by something
you said, or did, or didn’t say or do. Question if their anger may result from
their feeling unloved or unappreciated by you.
3. In seeking to
end the cycle of hurt, recognize that you may not be able to ‘win’ the
argument, even though your temptation to get in the last word may be very
strong.
4. After your anger
has cooled, either initiate an apology or acknowledge the hurt your spouse may
have felt during the argument. Empathizing with your spouse helps defuse hurt
and anger and moves you both towards a resolution.
5. Beware of any
tendencies you and your spouse may have to get into big arguments (vicious
cycles) that may be followed by living sessions of ‘making up’.
If you and your
mate find yourselves locked into arguments frequently, one or both of you may
have an unconscious need to suffer before you experience pleasure and
tenderness from each other. In the clinical literature, this tendency to have
to pay a price for pleasure, or to seek to increase pleasure by first
heightening emotion through pain, is referred to as masochism or sadomasochism.
Be alert to such tendencies in yourself and your spouse, and be careful about
getting drown into malignant cycles or drawing you partner in.
Communication aggravators:
- the following behaviour that people commonly use may escalate conflict in
their marriage by inducing combative responses (refer John P.Spiegel’s ‘the
resolution of role conflict within the family’)
1. Coercing is an
attempt to crowbar you mate into submission or agreement, your spouse agree to
go along with your wishes but sabotage your plans by dragging their feet in the
execution of the agreement; or defy your efforts outright.
2. Coaxing is a
more subtle form of persuasion, your spouse may annoyed by what they perceive
as your manipulative efforts and, as a result, not only refuse your wishes but
also become hostile.
3. Evaluating is a
common technique, characterized as ‘ pseudo-understanding’: an example: “I
think you are really angry at your boss, not at me,” a woman tells her husband.
This woman’s interpretation of her husband’s angry makes him even more annoyed
than he was originally, because it is a denial of what he is really feeling.
4. Masking is a
often thought of as ‘white lies’ or ‘white washing’, It can elicit counter
efforts by your spouse to unmask and reveal the truth.
5. Blaming one of
the most common mechanisms for starting or fuelling an argument occurs when one
spouse is angry but does not know why and so looks for a target for that anger
in order to channel it in a seemingly justifiable way. It is also possible that
you and your spouse blame each other for traits for which you secretly hold
yourselves in reproach. For instance, if you blame your partner for flirting,
it may be that you feel secretly guilty about your own flirtatious thoughts or
acts.
For some people,
there is a special pleasure in seeing another suffer. If you were frequently
blamed by your parents while you were growing up, you may have adopted this
blaming behaviour or derive a special pleasure in seeing your spouse suffer as
you once did. Blaming is unproductive, unsatisfying, and highly destructive to
the blossoming of any warm, close, and loving feelings between spouses.
All the behaviours have the potential for starting vicious cycles if they
result in your mate’s feeling hurt and attacking in return.
Practising good
communication: - When speaking to couples who say (convincingly) that they
communicate will and make decisions to their mutual satisfaction, we
consistently find that in their marriages each spouse respects the other and
takes personal responsibility for how they communicate with one another. These
are people who are aware that good communication is an essential part of a
healthy marriage, and they are willing to work at it. The following are the key
principles of good marital communication: -
i. Don’t expect
your spouse to read your mind: - It is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone
else to read your mind. It is your responsibility to express your thoughts and
feelings to your mate.
ii. Take time to
talk and listen to your spouse: - Make communication a priority in your
marriage by setting aside time for casual conversations as well as in-depth,
intimate discussions. Don’t bring up a touchy subject when you’re both
exhausted or under stress. Choose an appropriate place in talk. One of you may
have no compunctions about arguing while walking down the street; the other
might feel terribly embarrassed by any public display of emotion. Be
considerate of each other’s feelings on this matter.
iii. Present your
thoughts and feelings in a way that can be heard by your mate; if you tend to
yell or be sarcastic, work on expressing your feelings in a way that is less
offensive and less likely to provoke and cause conflict. Humiliating,
embarrassing, or criticizing your spouse only lessens the chance that what you
say will be heard by your mate. Be aware that there is no benefit to your
spouse’s feeling attacked. If your tendency is to bottle up your feelings, you
must work on airing your dissatisfaction a constructive way – even though
expressiveness does not come naturally to you. If your spouse ignores your
comments when you do speak up, make it a point of saying that you need to
heard. If you’re unhappy with the way you and your spouse communicate with each
other – if you feel there is too much criticism, complaining, and berating and
enough open, positive interaction – suggest to your spouse that you make it a
point of devoting a certain amount of time each day to sharing your thoughts
and feelings only in a calm, respectful, positive manner. In the time you set
aside, stay away from any touchy marital issues. Use the ‘sharing time’ to
practise positive communication skills:
· Reflect your
mate’s feelings back to them so that they feel understood (“you sound very
angry at your boss today”).
· Be encouraging
and reinforcing to your spouse with positive statements (“when I was at lunch I
thought about how much I would have enjoyed your being there”).
If you and your
spouse seem to find it impossible to talk about your problems without fighting,
you might try a more structured exercise, one advocated by behavioural
therapists: Together select a 15 minute period that you can spend each day in
talking with each other. During that time take your telephone off the hook,
turn your radio and television off, and leave all distractions aside. Sit down
opposite each other with your knees touching, hold hands, and look into each
other’s eyes. Take turns asking the other three open-ended questions that
cannot be answered with a mere ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (don’t ask, “should we spend more
time together”); try to ask non-threatening questions and give non-offensive,
non-accusatory answers. Although such an exercise may seem contrived, it will
set you to thinking, about how you phrase your ideas and how you respond to
each other. It can foster positive habits by making you aware of how to speak
in a positive constructive manner.
iv. State what the
goal of your conversation is.
v. Listen fully and
try to understand your spouse – you both must try to be aware of all the
possible multiple levels that may be getting activated by the issued being
dealt with. For instance, if your spouse is intensely angered by your tendency
to take charge, it may be that such strong feelings are stirred because of
unresolved childhood experiences with authority figures. If you become aware
that unconscious conflicts are being stimulated in your spouse, that may not,
of course, mean that you necessarily want to concede the point now under
discussion. Nevertheless, your increased sensitivity may soften your position,
or if not that, if may enhance your ability to behave in an understanding
manner that will help you both prevent a malignant cycle from occurring. Even
if you don’t agree with your mate, try to make him or her feel understood. The
goal of communication is really understanding, not necessarily agreement.
vi. Learn to
understand your spouse’s language: - Your spouse may speak in different
language from you, and if you are to be content in your marriage, you must
learn to understand that language. Rather than using words to convey love or
anger, your spouse may employ touching to convey care, affection, sensuality,
and aggression.
vii. End an
argument before it becomes destructive: - you must each take responsibility for
ending a heated argument at a certain point despite its being unresolved. The
longer an angry, hurtful arguments go on, the uglier and more destructive it
will be.
viii. Find other
outlets: - There are sometimes when it’s just best not to communicate. You have
a hard day at the office – don’t take it out on your spouse. Be alert to areas
of your life where you may feel you’re not adequately assertive – for instance
with your parents, or with colleagues in the work place. Rather than
communicate all that frustrations to your mate, focus on releasing your
feelings to the people for whom they are meant, (or otherwise if you can’t do so,
at least try to bring out all your feelings either to your close friend, or
wife) but don’t seek to relieve all your pressures at home.
Spinning out and
spacing out: - One of the biggest areas of conflict and frustration between men
and women is communication. Men listen to gather information in order to solve
problems, while women listen in order in relate or share. A woman expands in
search of the point she wants to make, whereas a man expects her to get right
to the point, the way a man would. When a conversation is underway and the man
falls silent, the woman often mistakenly assumes that he is just unconcerned.
His is doing what is natural for him. He is mulling over his thoughts, to
formulate a point to make. This is hard for her to recognize because she
processes her thoughts and feeling through sharing them outside herself. For
her, communication is not just a sharing of information; it is sharing of
herself. It is a basis for intimacy. It is fulfilling and centering. When a
woman is sharing what’s inside of her, if she has a respectful, attentive, and
caring listener she will feel safe to empty out her purse (her inner feelings).
Once everything is out, she will feel much more centered and losing. She will
greatly appreciate for support.
Mind reading: -
Because men and women do not realize how different they are, they assume that
they know what the other is thinking or feeling before it has been clearly
stated. Just as women are especially vulnerable to being interrupted, men are
particularly sensitive to being doubted or mistrusted. This is major
communication trap, but we can end the cycle by increasing our understanding of
each other with respect, trust and compassion. Women need to be reassured again
and again that they are loved and special.
Now we will see
what are the mistakes a partner does and how it is being misconceived by the
other partner even without the knowledge of the committing partner. Generally
speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to ‘help’ a man, she
has no idea of how critical and unloving she may should to him. Men pride
themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical
things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs
her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism. Men need to
remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get
solutions. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism
–especially if he has made a mistake – make him feel unloved and controlled. He
needs her acceptance more than her advice. In order to learn from his mistakes,
When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more
likely to ask for her feedback and advice. So also, a woman tries to change a
man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement
committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism. When a man resists a
woman’s suggestions she feels as though he doesn’t care; she feels her needs
are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and
stops trusting him. When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for
support or constructively share a difference of opinion, she may feel powerless
to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism. To
practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a
big step, by clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way
she approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore
more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize
that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as
the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
Men need to
remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to
offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel
better on her own. When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his
competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated,
and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
Without an
awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and women don’t
realize how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see that both men
and women unknowingly communicate in ways that are not only counterproductive
but may even be a turnoff. Men and women get their feelings hurt most easily
when they do not get the kind of primary love they need. Women generally don’t
realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male
ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to a man’s feelings, but because his
primary love needs are different from hers, she doesn’t instinctively
anticipate his needs. Though understanding a man’s primary love needs, a woman
can be more aware and sensitive to be sources of his discontent. The following
is a list of common communication mistakes women make in relation to a man’s
primary love needs.
Mistakes women
commonly make: -
· She tries to
improve his behaviour or help him by offering unsolicited advice.
· She tries to
change or control his behaviour by sharing her upset or negative feelings (it
is ok to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish).
· She doesn’t acknowledge
what he does for her but complains about what he has not done.
· She corrects his
behaviour and tells him what to do, as if he were a child.
· She expresses her
upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions (like: “how could you do
that?”).
· When he makes
decisions or takes initiatives she corrects or criticizes him.
for which why he
doesn’t feel loved (the following are in respective to the above order)
· He feels unloved
because she doesn’t trust him any more.
· He feels unloved
because she doesn’t accept him as he is.
· He feels taken
for granted and unloved because she doesn’t appreciate what he does.
· He feels unloved
because he doesn’t feel admired.
· He feels unloved
because he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels
like the good guy.
· He feels unloved
because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.
Just as women
easily make mistakes when they don’t understand what men primarily need, men
also make mistakes. Men generally don’t recognize the ways they communicate
that are disrespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she
is unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what
she needs he cannot change his approach.
Through
understanding a woman’s primary needs, a man can be more sensitive to and
respectful of her needs. The following is a list of communication mistakes men
make in relation to a woman’s primary emotional needs.
· He doesn’t
listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or concerned questions.
· He takes her
feeling literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he
gives advice.
· He listens but
then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down.
· He minimizes the
importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important.
· When she is
upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset.
· After listening
he says nothing or just walks away.
for which why she
doesn’t feel loved (in order of the above respectively)
· She feels unloved
because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
· She feels unloved
because he doesn’t understand her.
· She feels unloved
because he doesn’t respect her feelings.
· She feels unloved
because he is not devoted to her and doesn’t honour her as special.
· She feels unloved
because he doesn’t validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and
unsupported.
· She feels
insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she needs.
When love fails: -
love often fails because people instinctively give what they want. Because a
woman’s primary love needs are to be cared for, understood and so forth, she
automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this
caring support often feels as though she doesn’t trust him, being trusted is
his primary need, not being cared for; then when he doesn’t respond positively
to her caring she can’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate her brand of
support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn’t what she
needs; so they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other’s needs.
In one instance wherein a couple, by name Beth and Arthur complained about
their inability to carry on their marriage, Beth complained, saying, “I just
can’t keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn’t appreciate what I give.
I love him, but he doesn’t love
Many people give up
when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we understand
out partner’s primary needs. Without giving more but by giving more but by
giving what is required we do not burn out. This understanding of the twelve
different kinds of love finally explains why out sincere loving attempts fail.
To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she
primarily needs.
·
Learning
to listen without getting angry: - the number one way a man can succeed in
fulfilling a woman’s primary love needs is through communication. As we have
discussed before, communication is particularly important for womenfolk. By
learning to listen to a woman’s feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman
with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. One
of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become
frustrated or angry because they forget that women are different and that they
are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to
remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do. Now we
will see below the important points to remember to listen without getting angry:
·
Remember
anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and this is never her
fault.
·
Remember
that feelings don’t always make sense right away, but they are still valid and
need empathy.
·
Remember
that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better. Even if
she doesn’t immediately feel better, your listening and understanding will
definitely help.
·
Remember
you don’t have to agree to understand her point of view or to be appreciated as
a good listener.
·
Remember
you do not fully have to understand her point of view to succeed in being good
listener.
·
Remember
you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is
blaming you, but she really needs to be understood.
·
Remember
that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting you. Deep inside
her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and being hurt and who
needs your kindness and compassion.
for which what to
do and what not to do respective in order of the above:
·
·
Take responsibility to understand don’t blame her for upsetting you. Start
again trying to understand.
·
·
Breath deeply, don’t say anything. Relax and go of trying to control. Try to
imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.
·
·
Don’t blame her for not feeling better from your solutions. How can she feel
better when solutions are not what she needs? Resist the urge to offer
solutions.
·
·
If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she is finished and
then rephrase her point of view before giving your own. Do not raise your voice.
·
·
Let her know you don’t understand but want to. Take responsibility for not
understanding; do not judge her or imply she cannot be understood.
·
·
Refrain from defending, yourself until she feels that you understand and care.
Then it is ok gently to explain yourself or to apologise.
·
·
Do not argue her feeling and opinions. Take time out and discuss things later
when there is less emotional charge.
When a man can
listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her
a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is
able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more
she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration,
approval, and encouragement that he needs.
The art of
empowering a man: - Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a
woman’s primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment. When a
woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be.
A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired,
approved of, and encouraged. Like in our story of the knight in shining armour,
many women try to help their man by improving him but unknowingly weaken or
hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust, acceptance,
appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that re his primary
needs. The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve
him. Certainly you may want him to change – just don’t act on that desire. Only
if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in
changing.
A man resists to
change him or improve him, he doesn’t buckle under pressure, but he can easily
be rehabilitated. For women it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice;
but for men it is not. Women need to remember that men do not offer advice
unless it is directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another man
to solve his problems on his own. This doesn’t mean a woman has to squash her
feelings. It is ok for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she
doesn’t try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and
counterproductive. When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve
their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her
improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.
Why man resists
change: - In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She
thinks her attempts to change him love, but he feels controlled, manipulated,
rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is
reflecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the
loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow. If you ask
all the men and women when a room is filled with hundreds of women and men they
all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the
more he resists. The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve
him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to
change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however,
that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved
enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth,
automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.
Two kinds of men
and one kind of behaviours: - There are two kinds of men. One will become
incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the
other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old
behaviour. A man either actively resists or passively resists. When a man does
not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously
repeat the behaviours that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion
to repeat the behaviour until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve
himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends
himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and
then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.
Men don’t want to
be improved: - Just as men want to explain why women shouldn’t be upset, women
want to explain why men shouldn’t behave the way they do. Just as men
mistakenly want to “fix” women, women mistakenly try to “improve” men. Men see
the world through their own eyes. Their motto is “don’t fix it, if it isn’t
broken.” when a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that
she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He
doesn’t feel loved and accepted. A man needs to be accepted regardless of his
imperfections. To accept a person’s imperfections is not easy, especially when
we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we
understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change
him in any way.
The following chart
lists ways a woman can support a man to growing and changing by giving up
trying to change him in any way. Therefore what she needs to remember:
·
Don’t
ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to
change him.
·
Give
up trying to improve him any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to grow.
·
When
you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected.
·
When
a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid
to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.
·
If
you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel
pressured to change.
·
You
can share negative feeling without trying to change him. When he feels accepted
it is easier for him to listen.
·
If
you give him directions and make decisions for him he will feel corrected and
controlled.
for which what she
can do in order of the above:
·
·
Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some
initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.
·
·
Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without the demand
that he change.
·
·
Practice patience and trust that he will learn on his own what he needs to
learn. Wait until he asks for your advice.
·
·
Practice showing him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to deserve your love.
Practice forgiveness.
·
·
Proactive doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make you happy.
·
·
When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to
do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration.
·
·
Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more
important than perfection and don’t lecture or correct him.
As men and women
learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own
unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness
of your partner’s love primary needs you can redirect your loving support
according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and
more fulfilling.
Keeping the magic
of love alive: Feelings that we could not express in our past suddenly flood
our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love thaws out repressed feelings,
and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationship.
We are all walking around with a bundle of unresolved feelings. When we feel
safe to be ourselves, our hurt feelings come-up. For years we have suppressed
our painful feelings. Then one day we fall in love, and love makes us feel safe
enough to open up and become aware of our feelings. Love opens us up and we
start to feel our pain. When the unresolved feelings from childhood are coming
up, we easily interpret our partner’s comments as criticism, rejection, and
blame. In the beginning of the relationship we may not be as sensitive. It
takes time for our past feelings to come up. But when they do so come up, we
react differently to our partners. When a man’s past comes up, he generally
heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those times and needs a lot of
acceptance. When a woman’s past comes up is when her self-esteem crashes. She
scends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.
Understanding how the feelings of the past come up gives us a greater
understanding of why our partners react the way they do. It is part of their
healing process. Give them some time to cool off and become centered again. It
is a paradox that because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears
have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to
share what you feel. Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the
feelings that are coming up get stuck. When our unresolved feelings are being
projected on our intimate partner, he or she is powerless to help us.
When we expect
another person to react as we would, we inevitably feel frustrated if they
react differently. Out of frustration, we may automatically begin to invalidate
our partner’s feeling reactions even though our original intent was nurture and
support them. We also may offend out partner by treating him or her the way we
want to be treated. We mistakenly assume that ‘what is good for me is good for
you’. Problems arise when we expect another to think, feel, and behave the way
we do. Women frequently misinterpret a man’s love by evaluating his behaviour
according to their feminine standards. It is hard to respond in a caring,
understanding, and respectful way when you assume that your partner should
think and feel the way you do. The vast majority of conflicts between men and
women stem from one basic misunderstanding: we assume that we are the same
when, in many ways, men and women are as different as aliens from separate
planets would be. Without an understanding of how we are different, all our
efforts to unravel the mysteries of keeping love’s magic alive cannot even
begin to bear fruit. The bond of love diminishes when men and women are unable
to understand, respect, appreciate, and accept their differences. In fact, men
tend to ‘shut down’ completely in an instant and then open up just as quickly:
women do not understand this; once they open up to a person it takes them a
long time to close down completely. Men tend to assume that once they please a
woman, she will stay that way. After winning or earning the love of a woman,
men may become lazy in the relationship. As long as she continues to give with
a smile on her face, he assumes that he is giving enough. He doesn’t feel
motivated to give more.
Not understanding
our differences creates problems in our relationships. With an awareness of
their differences men and women can begin to construct new solutions to age-old
conflicts. The desire to understand another with an attitude of acceptance is
the basis of a positive and loving relationship. Giving your loved ones
permission to be different opens a new dimension in which love can blossom.
Intimacy thrives on
the communication of truth; but without an understanding of the underlying
purpose of communication, even the best communication skills will inevitably
fail. When we communicate to intimidate, threaten, disapprove, hurt,
fault-find, or make someone feel guilty, we are misusing communication. We may
succeed in controlling, but inevitably we will create resentment. True and
effective communication has the intent to share our understanding and more
thoroughly share another’s understanding. One of the common problems in
relationships is that after we get to know someone, we have strong tendency to
believe that the meaning we give to their words and gestures is accurate. We
think we know what they mean, yet we frequently misunderstand their intended
meaning. We jump to the wrong conclusions. Most of the emotions tension in
relationships arises from misunderstandings. Good communication lessens the
chances of misunderstanding and ensures more positive relationships.
Most of negative
judgments are the projections onto others of the opinions we secretly have
about ourselves. When we resent, we are holding on to our negative judgments.
They stay firmly rooted until we experience some forgiveness. When we are
unable to release our judgments, their power to provoke increases, no matter
how good you think you are at disguising resentment, it is revealed in your
actions, choice of words, body language, eyes, and tone of voice. It will seep
out whether you are aware of it or not. If you are free of resentment and you
begin to negatively judge a person, it can easily be replaced minutes later
with a positive judgment. But when you feel resentful, you are actually holding
on to that judgment, either consciously or unconsciously. Not only does
resentment provoke negative reactions, but it also negates the effectiveness of
common with an attitude of resentment, it is almost impossible for the person
you are resenting to stay open to you. one of the reasons communication can be
so easy at the beginning of a relationship is that there is not build up of
resentment. Accumulated resentment undermines the growth of love in a
relationship. The first step toward releasing resentment is to claim your
responsibility; understand how you provoke the responses you get. Then, with a
greater understanding of your partner and with better communication,
forgiveness will become easier. The repression of resentments can make
relationships very confusing.
We become capable
of taking responsibility when we recognize how our negative judgments, hidden
or expressed, actually provoke much of the base or lack of support we get. The
knowledge of how we are different gives us the power to be more accepting,
understanding, respectful, and appreciative. The knowledge of how our secret
resentments provoke others frees us to be more responsible for what we get and
better able to practise forgiveness. With greater understanding of our
differences, we can release the judgments that compel us to change our partners
rather than to appreciate and support them.
An important key to
making relationships work is taking equal responsibility for what happens in
the relationship and practicing forgiveness.
The true
differences between men and women are actually complementary, giving each the
opportunity to find balance. These complementary differences are what draw us
to each other and create the mysterious feeling we call love. The magic of
difference creates yet another dimension to loving relationships. As we accept
and appreciate the differences between people, we begin to also see the
similarities. The right person to share your life with is generally a blend of
complementary differences and similarities. From the vantage point of
understanding and respecting our differences; we can more clearly appreciate
our similarities. Recognizing our similarities gives rise to positive attitudes
like compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance, tolerance, and oneness.
Acknowledging our differences creates attraction, appreciation, interest,
respect, purposefulness, and excitement.
A woman changes for
sentiments and man changes for better results, or recognition.
How she unknowingly
turns him off: - As a man continues to fail to satisfy and fulfill his female
partner, woman corrects his decisions without being asked to, she unknowingly
hurts him and lays a foundation for him to become less motivated and caring.
Women correct men because they think it will motivate or help them to change.
What a man needs: -
a man cannot admit he erred unless he can figure out a way he could have acted
differently
What a woman needs:
- When a woman is upset she needs time to explore her feelings through sharing.
Men typically go into judgment and blame when a woman is upset. She needs,
instead, for him to listen and support her without trying to fix her or correct
her feelings.
How man hurts
woman: - Judgments that arise from resentment never serve to improve one’s
partner. When a woman is upset or under stress, she needs the time and support
to discover for herself how she can change to be more loving, accepting,
appreciative, and trusting. This will naturally happen when she is able to
share and explore her inner feelings. Because men and women do not understand
their respective stress reactions and the unique needs that they possess. Their
inherent positive characteristics become overshadowed by negative feelings,
beliefs, perspectives and attitudes.
Our dark sides: -
If a man is unable to maintain his objectivity when his subjective feelings
emerge, then his feelings will tend to reflect his dark side. Many times a
woman will try to get a man to share his feelings when he needs to be silent
and mull things over in his mind. She has no idea that she is fanning the fire
of negative and dark reactions in this man trying to draw out his feelings. She
does this instinctively because being essentially feminine or subjective, she
knows that she needs someone to draw her out when she is upset and she
especially needs to explore her feelings.
Masculine violence:
- When a man is hurt he generally feels a compulsion to release his hurt by
inflicting it on someone else. In a primitive way, when a man is possessed by
his pain, by inflicting it on others he can objectively experience his pain and
release it. To brioche out of this uncivilized cycle of revenge and payback; a
man must be able to feel and communicate his pain. To begin to develop an
ability to communicate pain in a safe way, a man needs to listen to the pain of
others who have suffered similar injustice. In hearing the pain of others, he
is able to feel, share, and heal his own pain without taking revenge. As a
result, he becomes more capable of hearing a woman’s pain. He becomes more
compassionate and understanding.
Righteous
aggression: - Another way men express their aggression is through being
self-righteous. He believes that she is responsible for his destructive and
negative behaviour, and deserves to be punished. This is never true. Two wrongs
do not make a right. Peace in our relationships hinges on the development of
our feminine side.
Feminine violence:
- Woman can of course be violent, but this generally occurs when her feminine
side has been hurt so much that she becomes more masculine to protect herself.
To truly assuage her hurt, a woman primarily needs her pain to be heard,
shared, or felt by others. She needs compassion and understanding to release
her pain. When she unable to elicit enough compassion, she unconsciously seeks
to compensate by trying to get sympathy. The strategy employed by the female
psyche is to induce guilt in others, hoping that they will change their ways;
this strategy hurts a man and he then seeks revenge. Women have felt compelled
to be victims in order to warrant the sympathy of others. In a backward way, by
being victimized she feels more worthy of love, compassion, and support. In
some cases, a woman will begin to punish herself when her hurt goes unhealed
and unheard.
Negative self-talk:
- The main way a woman hurts herself, however, is subjectively. Through
negative self-talk she abuses herself. The major symptom of negative self-talk
is a feeling of unworthiness, helplessness, and self-pity. Through self-pity
she denies her power to create more in her life and indirectly blames others,
thus affirming her powerlessness. As women learn to share their hurt without
self-pity and resentment and consequently receive the compassion they needs,
they gradually can release the tendency to feel self-pity. As men learn to
share their pain and listen to and understand the pain of others, they
gradually release the tendency to be mean or violent. Given the needed
understanding, love, and support, it seems almost miraculous how quickly a
person can begin to release these deep and unconscious patterns.
In summary, under
stress a man needs time and space to find objective solutions (positive
behaviour), and a woman needs time and attention to find her subjective
solutions (positive behaviour). When they are unable to give themselves the
support they need, they run the risk of being possessed by their dark sides.
The art of
fulfilling relationships: - When a man’s work fails, he begins to doubt his
worthiness. In a complementary way, when a woman is ignored by her husband, she
begins to doubt her worthiness. Every day, a woman needs to receive some form
of verbal reassurance that she is loved. A woman needs symbols of love. The
quality of attention is the most important sign of love. Women love to be
singled out and treated specially by the men in their lives. The simple formula
to make a woman feels special is: treat her differently and first; don’t save
the best for last; a woman never tires of hearing and seeing the ways her man
loves her. To help a woman feel loved and valued, a man needs to share his
frustration and disappointment when he is not getting the appreciation and
emotional support that he needs. Not only does this support a woman in feeling
her importance, but it also let her know how to give more support effectively.
As a man learns to communicate his emotional needs, this not only increases a
woman’s self-worth, but also inspires her to give more.
Either partner may
be better or the best, in a triat and the other partner, instead of enjoying or
dominating, envying over it, should accept it and make use of it for the
benefit of the unit. Such potentiality should not give way for egoism within
marriage. So also the other partner should not exploit it but rather help for
the personality development or both make use of it to the advantage of the unit
or for helping others outside their marriage, or family.
The couple should
understand each other’s needs, desires, ambitions, values and characteristics;
accept them as it is as a package; thereafter slowly and lovingly try to
rectify the negative points in those five in each other to the advantage of
marriage but not to the tune, or advantage, of self. Absolute understanding is
possible through: love, communication, flexibility and compatibility, security
of respect and care, togetherness and intimacy.
When we study and
analyse the concept of marriage, we arrive at the core of the creation of the
concept as the concept of marriage is conceived and framed by society basically
for the care of the consequence of human sexual relationship and also for
mutuality. Here the fundamental, basic and love factor/aspect of the marriage
is “care”. Whether it is called by love, or mutuality, or contract, or etc, but
basically the concept of marriage is derived for and the system of marriage is
maintained by this factor viz., care.
Therefore, we
eventually conclude that any conflict, or problem, may be understood properly
only when we first understand the complementary nature between men and women
and how psychologically differ in their approach and reactions; and if we are
able to suitably adapt to the nature without changing one’s basic nature but only
to satisfy the partner taking care of the primary love needs of one’s partner
to the partner’s satisfaction, major conflicts and problems automatically
vanish in our marriage. With this we conclude this chapter: ‘Basic factors for
smooth marital life’ with wishing you a very happy and peaceful married life.
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