Marriage as a concept
The people entangle
into wedlock with a lot of expectations but the questions are: where from the people
derive these expectations and whether these expectations are fulfilled and, if
not, what will be the problems, if so, how are the
problems peep-in, what are the consequences if the problems are not tackled and
what are the solutions for such problems? More than anything else what are the
terms and factors for a happy married life? After all the
whole aim in anybody’s life is to have happiness throughout one’s life.
To have this happiness, the materialistic security, security of care and health
are the primary factors and to avail these factors thro’out
all the stages of life, a system in the interest of all its members is evolved
by every society, and this system is called marriage.
In the beginning,
man couldn’t stand alone against animals and therefore he started living in a
group; slowly such groups became sects. Even now, togetherness has become the
basic concept of his way of living thereby emerged the concept of family
society, culture and religions. We can observe, off the record, that the religion,
instead of guiding the people in implementing the principles of philosophy,
slowly started misusing the concept of social environments to their selfish
advantage; this point is to be properly understood on account of the
unwarranted influence of religion into the married life, especially in the
conjugal side of it, of innocents and ignorants.
Coming back, to out subject, in fact, we have to understand that the society
for its survival has created the concept of family which is the base of society
and, in turn, the family is consequence of marriage. Even
though the materialistic and physical powers have generally corrupted a man to
feel as if independent but whereas, in fact, he is dependent for emotional and
sentimental support and care. In the case of woman, she is totally
dependent, in many cases materialistically and, in most cases, for protection
and care against the exploitation for sex, for the consequences of her sexual
interactions and for her children; thus to balance the dependency of human
being, the concept of care is utilised and the two
sides of the coin, viz. Care, are affection and love which are the basic
necessities for family and marriage. In fact, selfishless
care with understanding for mutual satisfaction, satiation and happiness is the
golden principle of marriage.
In everybodyÂ’s life, the very important factors to be taken
care are: character, security and health, of which security can be sub-divided
into two categories: one is security of materialistic necessities, needs and comforts
and second is love, whereas here love means caring and satisfying the other, in
other words, caring to keep the other happy. Good character, conduct, and
morality help every individual, society and humanity, in general, to have
happiness and peace; as such building-up good character is given the most
importance and prominence in social-values thro’out
the ages. It is obvious that everybody strives hard to have the security of
materialistic needs for present and future for oneself and one’s family. But
security of materialistic needs alone can not give the happiness and peace;
basically one should maintain good health to enjoy the materialistic needs and
comforts and moreover one requires somebody to take care of his health either
in the ordinary course or atleast at the time of
necessity. Apart from the materialistic needs and health, the most important
third requirement, or expectation, in one’s life is himself being taken care of
and be kept happy by satisfying his both physiological and psychological needs;
this particular type of care has got two sides: first being affection and the
second being love. Here affection means caring and satisfying the necessary
needs of the individual who is related to self and with whom self will not deal
sexually, and the second being marital love where care is taken care of on
mutual basis including satisfying the sexual needs. The above-mentioned points
indicate clearly that good character and health and security of materialistic
needs and proper care are must in everybody’s life thro’out.
Therefore, a necessity has arisen to evolve a system whereby the above
mentioned basic concepts of life should automatically be taken care of by a
system in everybody’s life that too thro’out life.
Now coming back to
marriage, marriage is meant for security and responsibility; security here
means the guarantee of love, or care, and materialistic needs for present and
future, wherein the love is caring and satisfying each other’s needs including
sex, and responsibility here means the responsibility being parents to bring up
their children of course with good character, and morality. Hence, by virtue of
marriage two categories of people are created: (1) husband and wife; and (2)
parents. Now looking into the stages of one’s life; in the early, or first,
state of one’s life, one’s character, materialistic needs, love and health are
taken care of by one’s parents, the characters created by marriage; in the
later stage of one’s life the above-mentioned necessities will be taken care of
on mutual basis in marriage; and in the last, or third, stage of life, these
will be looked after on mutual basis by the marriage-partner and as well be
their children the creations on account of marriage. Hence, the basic factors
for one’s life viz. Character, security and health are automatically taken care
of in everybody’s life from childhood to old age, generation after generation,
without any stoppage, or hurdle, and this system, called marriage, is working
as an ideal one without any substitute, or alternative. Moreover as the
responsibility of bringing-up children is fixed in marriage, automatic
balancing the population in accordance with the economic condition is taken
care in the society on account of the system that is marriage. Therefore, the
only ideal system which has been success thro’out
centuries, and in every generation, without availability of an
other alternative, or substitute, in which everyone gets involved is
marriage.
Such being the
importance of marriage in everybody’s life and as well as every society, in the
pre-historic period, professor S.H.Loweie affirms
that in the lowest cultural strata, matrimonial relations are found that would
be rated only exemplary by even a mid-Victorian. This would indicate that
monogamy is a very early family characteristic. The biological factor of sexual
relationship is the foundation stone of the family (refer ‘a history of world
civilization by James Edgar Swain Ph.d.). During the
stone-age and hunting periods of mankind, men and women live together as a
group, without marriage, and men go for hunting with mobility and women, with
restricted mobility used to collect vegetarian foods around their domicile, and
women enjoyed equal status or more. The Neolithic revolution brought agriculture
and domestication of animals, in which society women were responsible for
agriculture, pottery, collection of vegetables and herbs for medicine. In such
societies, there is no evidence of subordination of women but each sex
continues to do its own important jobs in its own area there is no oppression;
during this period men and women respected each other, enjoyed freedom and
lived with dignity.
In
One of the numerous
causes which sociologists have adduced for the rise of the marriage
institution, only two deserve consideration at this
stage of our inquisition. First, it has to be remembered that a review of the
history of civilization shows that as men rose a level
or two higher than their original barbarity, they ceased to lead each his own
solitary life and began to live in groups. At the stage men gradually realised how marriage in a very great measure secured the
internal unity of a group and it was precisely this realisation
which made for the adoption of the marriage custom. Now we will see a rough
idea of the different forms which marriage assumed one after another as a
result of the changing conditions of advancing civilization. It was a common
practice in those times for a mighty group to invade smaller and weaker groups
vanquish them and capture as many men as possible and carry them as slaves.
With men came women too whom did the victors take unto wives. Marriage was thus
based on this idea of women’s servitude, and this form of marriage prevailed
during the whole period of struggle and strife. But times slowly changed, the
sword gradually ceased to the sole arbiter, smaller wandering groups evolved into
big and stable societies, peace came to be loved, and law and order began to
have a hold on people. This change brought a corresponding change in men’s
outlook on things and fellow beings, and women were no longer regarded as
serfs. With this advent of a more generous attitude towards the weaker sex
woman obtained the right of choosing her lover, and this gave rise to new forms
of marriage like swamyamvara, gandhrva
vivaha and love marriage. (we
have here to request the reader to note that our observation applies more
particular to the history of marriage in Hindu society, and the three forms of
marriage mentioned above are discussed in the standard religious books of the
Hindus). The next important stage in the history of the marriage custom was marked
when marriage came to be swayed by religion and began to be regarded more as a
religious than a social duty. Religion gradually assumed such an unquestioned
authority that it took upon itself the right of defining the duties and
obligations of the husband and the wife and laid various functions on the
wedded couple; and at last its word was law as to the rituals which alone
rendered marriage valid. Mr.V.Vaidya’s (an
accomplished deccani scholar) idea is that if we take
the list of eight varieties of marriage described in the shrutis,
viz., Brahma, daiva, arsha,
prajapaatya, gandhrva, asura, rakshsa and paishacha and read it from the end backward we really shall
have gone over the chronological order of the different phases through which
the institution of marriage passed in India. Paishach
kind of marriage is nothing but anarchy in sexual matters, the rakshasa marriage consists in carrying off the bride by
force and based on the conception of womanÂ’s
slavery, in the asura marriage the bride is purchase,
and in the gandharva form the lovers choose each
other and enter into wedlock. The remaining four kinds are an indication of the
times when religion predominated and determined the whole process of marriage.
In short these eight kinds are a record in brief of the various forms, which
marriage took at different stages of civilization. (Refer ‘sex
problem in
The aims of Hindu
marriage are said to be dharma, praja and rati. Though sex is one of the functions of marriage, it is
given third place, indicating thereby that it is the least desirable aim of
marriage. To stress the lower role of sex in marriage, the marriage of sudra is said to be for pleasure
only. Hindu marriage is considered sacred rites accompanied by the sacred
formulae. Similarly marriage is said to be essential for woman because that is
only sacrament that can be performed for her. As marriage is said to be sacred
it is irrevocable. The parties to the marriage cannot dissolve it at will. They
are bound to each other until the death of either of them; and the wife is
supposed to be bound to her husband even after his death. This concept of
marriage, that it is indissoluble, is a lofty one because it means that the
husband and wife after marriage have to adjust their tastes and temper, their
ideals and interests, instead of breaking with each other when they find that
these differ. It thus involves sacrifices on the part of both husband and wife
as each is called upon to overcome the incompatibility of the other. Hindu
marriage, thus viewed, is not an ordinary affair wherein the weakness of flesh
plays a dominant part. On the contrary, demands of personal gratification and
pleasures are subordinated, and the individual is called upon to make marriage
a success by means of compromises and adjustments.
In Hindu marriage,
despite the fact that marriage was considered to be irrevocable, the two
partners were not regarded as being equals in their obligations and privileges.
The ideal of ‘pativruta’, i.e. being devoted to the
husband alone, popularised by the puranic
writers, not merely implied fidelity to the husband but make service to the
husband the only duty of the wife and her main purpose of life. A wife’s only
concern in life was to see that all services needed by her husband were
properly performed by her, the satisfaction of her husband being her sole of
joy in life. On the death of the husband, the wife had either to live chastely,
renouncing all the joys of life, to follow her husband by immolating herself
with his body on the pyre. However, nowadays the modern woman is no longer
prepared to accept a social code which recognizes the dominance of the male as
binder on her. Conventional morality is receding into the background and emotional
integrity has become the ideal of marriage. Further, the democratic ideal to
which Indians are now committed by their constitution and which has been
defined as political, social, religious equality, lends force to economic
processes and the findings of psychological investigations. Social coercion and
legal sanctions become less necessary when society accepts the principle that
the sex life of responsible adults is their own concern. This principle
provides for the satisfaction of the emotional requirements of the partners in
marriage, a factor of which our social ideology has, in the past, taken no
account. There is nothing sinister or dangerous in the concept of freedom in
marriage. According to Ellis, who is quoted by Mahatma Gandhi, freedom cannot
destroy but confirms marriage’s stability and purifies its practice. In short,
marriage continues to be sacrament; only it is raised to an ethical plane. We
rather go back to Vedic ideal embodied in the saptapadi
formula, ’i take thee to be my companion in life’.
In Islam, marriage
is said to be contract signed by two parties, one for each side. The
consideration of the contract is ‘mahr’, gift to
the bride, the amount of which, not being fixed by law, varies from one dinar upwards. According to the haji
code, the wale may give in marriage a girl, who is a virgin and also a minor,
after informing her that a suitor had presented himself. Her silence gives
consent, but even if she says that she does not consent the marriage is lawful.
If she is given under shafii law the marriage of a
virgin, even if she has attained majority, is impossible without the consent of
the wale. If she is given in marriage by her guardian she is now entitled to
dissolution of the marriage if it took place before she attained the age of
fifteen and she repudiated it, provided that it was not consummated, before she
attained the age of eighteen. In fact, Islam has improved the status of woman
by restricting polygamy to four wives, by condemning female infanticide, by
assigning a share of inheritance to women, by declaring mahr
as a gift to the bride and reorienting the Arab law of marriage and divorce in favour of woman. It does not however contemplate equality
between man and woman. In this line, Amar Ali
observes: ’the prophet’s counsel regarding the privacy of women served
undoubtedly to stem the tide of immorality and to prevent the diffusion among
his followers of the custom of disguised polyandry’. It may conceded that the
prophet saw the propriety of proper adornment for women for decency and
guarding against insult in an age when the Arab'’ love for wine and women was
known to be great. (the last three paragraphs are from
'‘marriage and family in
The main purpose of
wedding ceremonies is to manifest social approval, and to obtain divine
blessing, and they symbolise various aspects of
marriage; the Christian doctrine asserted that marriage was a sacrament
ordained by god and could in nowise be looked upon as a special class of
contract, asserting consent of the parties on the essential basis of a valid
marriage. (Refer chamber’s encyclopedia vol9-p.109).
Now that having
seen the importance of marriage and the outlook of marriage as seen in the
different angles of religions, we will see now what marriage is. The people
enter into marriage may be on account of love, or lust, or social
circumstances, or compulsions, but without knowledge of what is marriage and
its purpose. The duties and responsibilities construed form social events
around them form the purpose of marriage. Hence when sex becomes renewal factor
rather than the basic factor in marriage, the married life starts running into
rough weather. Here the marriage can run ahead only on account of mutual
understanding or common interest, or social compulsion otherwise it breaks with
or without divorce. Had the society properly educated people about the marriage
and its purpose and corrective measures to rectify the break with true
knowledge, then many marriages could have been saved from getting spoiled
unnecessarily. Especially in the times of changes in social life if the
construed purpose and definition of marriage differs between the two partners,
then the whole married life will be rocking with rough weather with sufferings
especially if the marriage is to continue on account of social compulsions.
Before ourselves
going into the subject, ‘marriage’, we will first see what others have to say
about it. Dr.Beals expressed marriage as,
"marriage is immeasurable the most important event in the most human
lives, and society has marked its sense of that eventÂ’s
significance by surrounding it with the most elaborate safeguards and
sanctions; for no community can lightly regard that which is so deeply bound up
with its own wellbeing. Society, as well as religion, proclaims the marriage as
estate honourable, because it is associated with
responsibilities more diverse and grave than most who
enter it can all realise; it is honourable
because it offers an unique for the discharge of duty, for the exercise of
unselfishness. For the development of character, for the training of other
lives in strength and beauty; it is honourable, above
all not merely by reason of its burden, but of its joys of mutual helpfulness,
mutual respect, mutual unreserved confidence." In
fact, marriage is an ever-enduring union between two members of opposite sex
whose physical desires, mental tastes and moral pursuits are in perfect harmony
with each other. Marriage is the fulfillment of that innate wish of the human
soul- the wish that has been beautifully pictured by Edward Carpenter as:
"that there should exist one other person in the world towards whom all
openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there should be no
concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, as oneÂ’s own, with whom there should be no sense of mine or thine, in property or possessing; into whose mind one’s
thoughts should naturally flow, as it were to know themselves and to receive a
new illumination; and between whom and oneself there should be a spontaneous
rebound of sympathy in all the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such
is, perhaps, one of the dearest wishes of the soul." (Refer ‘idea marriage’
by Prof.H.S.Gambeg)
Bronisl Malinowski, a student of human relationships, has described
the marriage contract well as follows (refer Encyclopedia Britannica 1947
p-945): ‘marriage is the most important legal contract in every human society,
the one which refers to the continuity of the race; it implies a most delicate
and difficult adjustment of a passionate and emotional relationship with
domestic and economic corporation; it involves the co-habitation of male and
female, perennially attracted and yet in many ways forever incompatible; it
focused in a difficult personal relationship of two people the interest of
wider groups: of their progeny, of their parents, of their kindred, and in fact
of the whole community.’ marriage involves specific responsibilities and
obligation on the part of both the partners as well as rights and privileges
(refer human psychological development by Vincent Martin). Dr.Radha
Krishna, one of the best modern philosophers in
Before entering
into our subject, marriage, first of all, if we want to study, we should know what
is study: a study means to find out, by analysis, the system by which and the
principle on which it functions or happens, and parameters to standardize and
to measure the functions with such standards; moreover to find out the methods
to arrive at the exact and correct results, or outcomes out of such functions
or happenings and to use corrective measures to bring any deviations or
abnormalities to normalcy.
As per the
definition of ‘study’, as mentioned above, if we want to study the ‘marriage’,
let us first see the definitions. In ‘international encyclopedia of the social
sciences’ vol 10 by David l.Ills,
the marriage is defined as a culturally approved relationship of one man and
one woman (monogamy), of one man and two or more women (polygamy); or of one
woman and two or more men (polyandry) in which there is cultural endorsement of
sexual intercourse between the marital partners of opposite sex and generally,
the expectation that children will be born of the relationship. Generally, in
traditional definition of marriage, the most significant outcome of marital sex
has been procreation and familial bonding between the husband and wife.
However, after
analyzing all the reasons and purpose for marriage, we can formulate our own
definition as: "marriage is a partnership institution, supported by
socio-cultural forces, created to have perceptual sexual relationship, viewed
in the perspective of difference in gender, and is instituted for the purpose
of (secured) mutuality, with responsibility of bringing up the children,
procreated usually out of the marriage, or by the partner, or partners, or
compensated, as per socio-cultural values." In a nutshell, marriage is:
(a) created for perceptual sexual relationship; (b) established for mutuality;
(c) instituted for bringing-up the children.
Now we will see
certain explanations for the above-mentioned definition of marriage. In
marriage, either partner has got certain rights, privileges and
responsibilities; the society will ‘enforce’ the partner (s) to do their duties
and perform the responsibilities, if so required, hence only "supported by
socio-cultural forces". Marriage, if supported by society, is, in fact,
created by (usually) two opposite sex individuals to have sexual relationship
on perceptual basis, hence only "created to have perceptual sexual
relationship". The sexual relationship, supported by society, should be
between opposite sex only; secondly there may be more than two partners in a
marriage wherein the relationship between one sex partner and other sex
partners individually, collectively can be termed as marriage, hence only
"viewed in the perspective of difference in gender"
"instituted". As, mentioned in the definition, here means the basic
concept of principle of marriage; moreover even though marriage is created by
the partners for the perceptual relationship, it is instituted (by others)
mainly for the purpose of mutuality and the said responsibility. Procreation
being the consequence of marriage, sometimes the responsibility is accepted
before marriage, or forced by society, as per socio-cultural values in the case
of bringing up the children procreated by either of partners with some other
partner, hence only "or by the partner or partners" "as per
socio-cultural values". Either if the responsibility of bringing-up
children is considered as a prime factor of marriage by the society, or if the
partners are brought up with such socio-cultural values of giving much
importance to the responsibility in marriage, then in either case the couple,
who have no child of their own, may go for adoption; however going for adoption
for the security of either of their own in their old age or of their property
is out of the purview of marriage; hence only "compensated, as per
socio-cultural values". Sometimes either partner, especially in the case
of women in many societies, may go for in marriage for the security (of
mutuality) hence only it is mentioned in the definition as "(secured)
mutuality". Therefore we come to understand that marriage is an institution
begetting satisfaction harmony and happiness for all its members thereby
creating a strong family. As the families are the strong supporting base for a
society, every marriage should have the blessings of the society; the marriage
is the institution wherein both man and woman get their sexual urge satisfied.
Marriage, on account of mutuality and togetherness, begets sentimental care
which, in turn makes their children with good values to become good useful
adults.
The marital
relationship, in general, has got three other variable relationships as its
components. The first one is of male-female relationship, otherwise called
sexual relationship; the second one is of man-woman relationship, otherwise
called familistic relationship; and the third one is
of person-to-person relationship, otherwise called companionate relationship.
The sexual relationship is an enjoyable in marriage; and in the companionate
relationship when one perceives the other with positive sides and common
interests, it yields happiness; but most of the marital problems arise in the familistic relationship because most of us fail to
understand and recognise the differences, by nature,
in approaches and attitudes of man and woman.
Considering the
marriage bond, we find a good explanation in the book, ‘together forever’ by Khalid a.Khavari, M.D., and She
Willington Khavari, M.D. the bond that connects the
husband and wife together can be thought of as a rope. When the partners are
kind to each other, nurture one another, and make each other feel good, they
keep adding more strands to the rope and the bond becomes stronger. Conversely,
they hurt or criticize each other, the strands begin to fray. An important
thing about patching strands is that it should be done right away to minimize the
damage, because hurt feelings have a way of recruiting energy and causing a
great deal of damage. The successful relationship is the one that dips
constantly adding new strands, while fraying and snapping as few as possible. A strong marriage well create conditions that encourage the
individuation of the partners – their becoming and doing their very best in a
broad spectrum of life.
Having dealt with
the definition, next we will move to study the basic fundamental factors for
happiness in marriage. The following are the main important basic fundamental
factors / characteristics, which are the Gita/Bible/Kuran
for the happy married life: -
Trust
Building
and maintaining confidence of security of emotional, sentimental and spiritual
needs with care and respect.
Understanding.
Adjustments.
Sexual
gratification.
Fulfilling
oneÂ’s specific accepted roles sincerely.
Helping
for self-confidence and personality development.
Bringing-up
the children with moral, health, educational, intellectual and socio-cultural
values.
Commitment to: free
communication, frank discussion, mutual consultation, togetherness, privacy,
mutuality, sexual equality, compatibility, compromise, adjustability, honesty,
adaptability, sympathy, empathy, satisfaction, satiation, happiness, joyful
companionship, respect, sharing, intimacy, co-operation, co-ordination,
compassion, and fair-looking presentation of self.
Ensuring the
following not to poke their nose within marriage: - egoism, selfishness,
self-respect, rigidity, hurting the feelings, arguments, neglect, helplessness,
humiliation, criticism, contradicts (convincing is better than contradicting),
offensiveness, provoking accusations.
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