Psychological Complementaries

 in Marriage

 

Man and woman are complementary to each other by nature, and, in fact, this is the exact basis for the existence of system of marriage. Therefore, it is very pertinent to understand the natural psychological complementary natures of the opposite sex, so that understanding these natural traits and empathetically adjusting to these different attitudes and approaches, and strange reactions will pave way for sailing by lifeboat smoothly in the ocean of marriage.

In marriage, man requires physiological and psychological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need, and for woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for protection and security.

For any marriage to thrive, satisfaction becomes primarily important in marriage. We know that oneÂ’s satisfaction is on account of the fulfillment of the oneÂ’s expectations. One forms expectations based on his primary needs and personal values. It may be easier to understand the primary physical needs of oneÂ’s partner in marriage, but it is definitely difficult to understand the primary psychological primary needs of the partner. Usually problems arise in marriage, in spite of love between them, because of not understanding the difference in psychological primary needs between man and woman. Man, or woman, in marriage tries to satisfy oneÂ’s partnerÂ’s psychological needs in the same terms of oneÂ’s own gender, and becomes dismayed to see dissatisfaction of the other in spite of his, or her, best efforts. This sort of frustration which usually happens in marital life can be avoided and satisfaction, satiation and happiness can be made ruling terms in their marriage provided one understands the difference in the psychological needs between man and woman, and try to adapt to the atmosphere in his/her marital life which is different from her/his hitherto brought-up life before oneÂ’s marriage. Therefore, we will start with the different psychological needs between man and woman in marriage.

Men and women generally are aware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful. Practically, both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner. For example, a woman thinks she is being loved when she asks a lot of caring question or expresses concern; this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused. Because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying. Similarly, men think they are being loved, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say,” don’t worry; it is not such a big deal.” Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of “space” to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks Is support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored. When a woman is upset she needs to be heard and understood. Without this insight into different male and female needs, a man doesn’t understand why his attempts to help fail.

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique emotionally supporting needs that are all equally important. Men primarily need trust acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring, understanding respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous talk of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of emotional supports. By reviewing this list you can easily see why your partner may not feel loved. And most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite sex when you donÂ’t know what else to do.

Here are the different kinds of emotional supports for love listed side by side:

Women to receive Men to receive

1) Caring Trust

2) Understanding Acceptance

3) Respect Appreciation

4) Devotion Admiration

5) Validation Approval

6) Reassurance Encouragement

Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by women when his own primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise, a woman needs trust, acceptance, etc., but before she can truly value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled

Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on earth. Remembering that men are different will help you remember and accept that men have different primary love needs. It is easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favourite man may need something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favourite women.

The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a man expresses his caring and understanding, a woman automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing happens when a woman expresses her trust – a man automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.

In the following, we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and reveal their reciprocal nature.

1. She needs caring and he needs trust.

When a man shows interest in a womanÂ’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more open and receptive.

When a womanÂ’s attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a womanÂ’s reactions reveal a positive belief in her manÂ’s abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.

2. She needs understanding and he needs acceptance.

When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesnÂ’t presume to already know a personaÂ’s thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The more a womanÂ’s need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.

When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is being favourably received. It does not mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

3. She needs respect and he needs appreciation.

When a man resends to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritises her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behaviour takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respects, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a womanÂ’s third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a manÂ’s efforts and behaviour, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. When a man is appreciated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his partner more.

4.She needs devotion and he needs admiration.

When a man gives priority to a womanÂ’s needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfils her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life, then quite easily she admires him.

Just as a woman needs to feel a manÂ’s devotion, a man has primary need to feel a womanÂ’s admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humour, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other so-called old-fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

5.She needs validation and he needs approval.

When a man does not object to or argue with a womanÂ’s feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A manÂ’s validating attitude confirms a womanÂ’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.

Deep inside, every man wants to be his womanÂ’s hero or knight in shining armour. The signal that he has passed her tents is her approval. A womanÂ’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesnÂ’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

6. She needs reassurance and he needs encouragement.

When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands respects, validates, and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved. A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a womanÂ’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.

Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman. A womanÂ’s encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character. When a womanÂ’s attitude expresses thrust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs. The best comes out in a man when his six primary love needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesnÂ’t know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. The story stated in the following paras exemplifies this point.

Keep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armour. More than any thing, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to fit into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesnÂ’t feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring. This is the theme of the story you find below.

Imagine a knight in shining armour traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon; as a result, the princess lovingly receives him. As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the town people. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.

A month later, the noble knight goes off on another trip, on his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon. Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower,” don’t use your sword, use this noose, It will work better.” She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon’s neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn’t really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t quite feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armour; likewise twice on the princess different directions, the knight kills other two dragons, of course without using his armour which is the symbol of his strength, identity and individuality.

A month later, when the knight was going out, the princess advised him to take poison and noose the instruments with which she had asked him to slain the dragon on the two occasions. The knight also carries the things unwillingly. On the way, he hears a shrill voice of a girl trying to escape from a dragon. He goes near the spot and is in confusion whether to follow his princessÂ’s direction of using poison and noose, or to use his armour on his own. With a burst of renewed confidence, he throws the princessÂ’s instruments, and starts fighting with his armour. When eventually, he kills the dragon, he gets a lot of appreciation and acceptance of his valour and his own attempt and success, make him to stay there itself marrying the woman without returning to the princess, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.

Now back to our topic, we shall remember that within every man is a knight in shining armour is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a manÂ’s primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it, so as to affect his own identity, will lessen his confidence or turn him off. If a woman is smarter and more intelligent than her husband, keeping the above story in her mind, she should make her man to take his own decision but in tune with her thinking without his realization of this fact; otherwise, allow him to take his own decision but in the interest of the family/marriage, but without poking her egoism in the affairs so as to the relationship getting spoiled.

In any inter-personal relationship, approach and attitudes are very important; especially, in the marital inter-personal relationship, the approach play very vital role in moulding the impressions and the impressions pave way for developing, or demolishing the marital relationship. Therefore, any positive approach in marriage with taking the natural love-need into consideration will always yield beneficial results.

Back to complementary natures, now we will see the secret of complementary natures. As a man becomes more caring he supports his partner by becoming more trusting. As a woman becomes more trusting she supports a man in becoming more caring. Energy, creativity, and power stem from caring. As a man begins to care more, he discovers new resources of energy and vitality within himself. One of the reasons a man can be so caring, considerate, and concerned in the beginning of a relationship is that a woman looks to him with greater trust, adoration, and admiration during this time. In a sense, her trust gives him the power to be more caring. She draws it out of him. She can trust in the beginning because she has not yet been disappointed by him. This trust empowers him but cannot make him perfect. Because he is human he will inevitably let her down, and she will begin to doubt and mistrust. As she becomes more mistrustful, he becomes more uncaring. A womanÂ’s challenge in relationships is to trust and then, when she is appointed, to be able to appreciate and accept and trust again. Since childhood, little girls have been nurturers and caretakers, while little boys are risk-takers. Just as it is difficult for men to learn to care for others, it is difficult for women to learn to trust. These two primary natures, caring and trust, are in themselves complementary. A woman must be aware of how difficult it is for a man to respond in a caring way when her reactions say to him that he is not being trusted. Likewise, with knowledge of male and female differences it is easier for her to correctly interpret his detached behaviour. She can be more accepting and forgiving of him when he forgets things or doesnÂ’t think of things that would come automatically to her. Men with this understanding are better able to accept a womanÂ’s ongoing need to be reassured. Rather than make her wrong for it, he can realize that this is a very important way he can support her in her personal development and happiness. Rather than complain about what they are not getting, they can begin to focus on what they are not giving their partner; for in giving more, they are much more likely to receive. Every husband should take personal care of his wife; and he should understand her feelings and needs without correcting and fixing.

Understanding and acceptance: over time, as he is able to truly understand her feelings and needs, he can and will make solid changes to build a mutually supportive and empowering relationship as a man learns to ‘communicate to understand’ rather than to correct or fix, he gradually masters the art of listening; to do this he must realize that she is asking for some validation for being upset. The female gender has an incredible capacity to accept imperfection and incompleteness if their feelings can be fully expressed, heard, and validated. A woman’s acceptance of imperfection can be one of man’s most refreshing experiences. Most men have no idea that they have the power to draw this kind of support from a woman, through learning to cultivate her inner acceptance , a woman ensures that her man will be more motivated and capable of hearing and understanding her. As women learn to accept their men without trying to change them, slowly but surely men will become more understanding of a woman’s unique needs and want to give more; and as men learn to understand women, they will begin to experience the incredible capacity that women have to forgive mistakes and accept a man just as he is.

Respect and appreciation:- to respect a womanÂ’s rights, a man needs to honour her differences. She deserves the right to be imperfect and overreact at times without it being a major offence to him. Respecting her means knowing that she will have her times when she is overwhelmed or confused, and that she deserves his support when that happens. Respecting her rights calls for including her in all decisions that will affect her in some significant way. Respecting a woman involves taking the time to learn her special needs. Respecting a woman also means to support her in fulfilling her dreams and aspirations. Feeling special is one of a womanÂ’s most important needs. Commitment and sexual monogamy are probably the most powerful and basic ways a man respects femininity. In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not feel a compulsion to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel his equal. Appreciating a man means doing all she can to make his life easier in return. When a woman appreciates a man, she desires him sexually and takes time to make herself attractive to him. Ina sense she treats him like a royal guest in her palace. She makes an effort to communicate her feelings and needs before resentment can build up. Appreciation prompts her to let him know that when she is upset or overwhelmed, it is not his fault. Appreciating a man means feeling genuine joy that this man is in her life. An appreciative woman refrains from expressing critical opinions unless her partner asks for this. Appreciating a man calls for actually receiving his support so that she doesnÂ’t become overly tired.

The benefit of loving: - Through learning to cultivate our primary natures, ensure that we are able to give and receive more support in our relationships. When a man is not getting the support he wants, the first question he must ask is how can he be more caring, empathetic; understanding, validating, respectful, considerate, and compassionate. These seven qualities, the rainbow of his primary nature, spring from the three primary qualities of caring, understanding, and respect. It is important to recognize that by developing these traits he is not just being supportive of his female partner; he directly benefits as well. Through expressing and developing these loving qualities, combined with his basic masculine programming, he will become balanced and powerful. A manÂ’s most effective tool to de-stress and find his power is to act, think, or decide with a caring, understanding, and respectful attitude. When a woman practices loving her man with increasing appreciation, acceptance, and trust, not only does he benefit but she directly benefits. Trusting allows her to contact her inner source of power and self-esteem. In trusting, accepting, and appreciating, a woman gains the power to fully enjoy and delight in her life. As she gives love in this most important and difficult way, she begins to express the full spectrum of positive feelings that most fully support a man. They are trust, approval, acceptance, recognition, appreciation, acknowledgement, and admiration. When a woman can feel these attitudes, a man feels graced by her love.

A woman is most fulfilled when her needs are met, while a man is fulfilled primarily through being successful in fulfilling her. In marriage man requires physiological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. To be very precise, in marriage, for man, woman is a need, and for a woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for protection and security. If we view the basis for such attitudes of a gender with another gender, we come across the principle: attraction for utilization is the motto of woman folk; and impress to achieve is the goal of manhood in any interaction between the opposite sex not connected by affection. Quite interesting differences with man and woman in their attitudes within marriage are: -

Ø In society point of view, in marriage, the wife is expected to change in tune with his social values; whereas in privacy, in marriage, she tries to change his behaviour.

Ø He can criticize her and advise her in the society point of view; whereas, within marriage she gives unsolicited advice and adopts criticism in privacy.

Ø In stress and tension, man focuses and woman is overwhelmed and expands; whereas in psychological feelings like sex, woman focuses and man expands.

Ø Outside sex, men are motivated when they feel needed and women are motivated when they feel cared for and respected; in sex, men get satisfaction when they are card for and his organ is respected, and women feel motivated when they needed.

When we deal with the basic traits, we find: womanÂ’s thinking is expanding but manÂ’s is purpose-oriented; similarly their respective talking also prevails. A womanÂ’s attitude is empathetic whereas the manÂ’s is self-oriented. WomanÂ’s communication is for sharing whereas the manÂ’s is for solving.

There are basically two kinds of interest: active and receptive. Active interest is what we feel when we have a goal in mind: it motivates action to achieve a goal, thrives on achievement, and comes from a place of desire and confidence. Active interest wants to serve, while receptive interest wants to be served. Receptive interest is what we feel when we are openly considering the value of what is being offered: it is motivated to create opportunities to receive, thrives in response to support, and comes from a place of preference and worthiness. A womanÂ’s receptive interest is the fertile ground where the seed of a manÂ’s interest can grow.

The way a woman makes him feel good is by creating opportunities for him to succeed in truly fulfilling her needs. A man thrives when a woman is receptive to his interest and his attempts to interest, impress, and fulfill her. Her receptivity is her gift to him. Being successful in the pursuit is as much fun for him as it is fun for a woman to feel that someone she likes is trying to make her happy. Flirting is very exciting to men because it compliments their ability to make a woman happy.

How men pursue: - women enjoy it most when a man takes the risk to impress her rather than waiting for her to do something to impress him. Men like to talk about what they do or have done, while women particularly like to talk about settings, relationships, and situations. Men feel most complimented when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated.

How to compliment a woman: - instead of focusing on what a woman does or how she makes him feel, he should ideally focus on finding positive adjectives and nouns to describe her directly. A woman will feel most attracted to a man when he makes his compliments personal and direct, while a man will feel most attracted to a woman when her compliments are less direct and more about how she feels in response to what he has done, thought, decided, or provided. Women will appreciate any sincere compliment, but when a man puts a little more thought into his words she will like it more; the more special the adjective, the more special she feels. The easiest way for him to experience her receptivity and responsiveness is for her to acknowledge and appreciate what he has provided.

Life for men and women: - every man instinctively knows that his success is based on three things: his competence, his ability to let others know how competent he is, and the opportunity to serve. Every woman instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things: the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.

Power of attraction: - The ultimate golden principle of attraction between man and woman is: a man is most attracted to a woman when she makes him feel masculine, in a similar manner, a woman is most attracted to a man when his presence makes her feel feminine. When a woman comes from her manly nature/side, she can certainly make she certainly make a man feel good, but she can never really bring out the best in him. It is only when she takes the time and has the awareness to develop and express her attributes from womanhood that she can bring out the manliness in him. When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is self-assured, receptive, and responsive. When a man expresses his masculine presence he is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a woman most attracted to him. In fact, particularly, when a woman has to be manly at work, it is even more important than ever to come home to a relationship that makes her feel more feminine; this is an additional responsible burden on her husband to make her feel feminine at home.

With regard to turn on her partner, it is pertinent for the woman to give opportunity to win her love; because whenever a woman tries to win a manÂ’s love, she will lose. Winning is the manÂ’s happiness, therefore make your man take initiative and efforts to win your love, and as long as he is making progress in this direction, he is happy.

What makes men to love: - from his perspective, her difference from him makes her very attractive. Through being authentic, she can let her feminine radiance shine and he is drawn to her like a moth to the flame. The second attribute that makes a woman most attractive is receptivity. A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. When a woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being receptive and becomes accommodating; instead of allowing a man to please her, she tries to please him: in this way she compromises her position. The third attribute that makes a woman most attractive is responsiveness. A man loves a woman with a smile. A man loves to feel he can make a difference. A man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages that he can make her happy. A man judges his success in a relationship by the positive responses that he gets. When she is not pleased she can simply give a zero response. The absence of a positive response will be a clear message to a man that he didnÂ’t succeed.

Now turn-off: - a man thrives when he feels that he does not have to give, but that he chooses to give; he wants to give because he cares and it makes a woman so happy, not because he owes her. Therefore expectations are a turnoff. Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free to be different. In return, he will become very interested and give her the respect she deserves, acknowledging that she is unique and different. Having positive and open attitude about our differences causes men and women to be more attractive to each other.

Woman loves man with a plan: - what makes a man most attractive to a woman is his ability to make her feel like a woman. When a man makes a woman feel feminine, her femininity is actually awakened, switched on, or, as we commonly say, turned on. When a woman is turned on by a manÂ’s presence, it brings out the best in her and as a result she is attracted to him. What allows a man to bring out the best in a woman can be summarized on one expression: masculine presence. She is most attracted to him when he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. These three attributes make a woman feel more self-assured, receptive, and responsive to him. A woman can sense when a man is confident. She automatically begins to relax and feel assured that she will get what she needs. Confidence is a can-do attitude. A confident attitude reassures a woman that everything will be all right. Women love a man with a plan. A woman doesnÂ’t like it when a man is too dependent on her for direction. So also a man with a purpose is most attractive to a woman. Similarly, woman loves a man with future. In a relationship a manÂ’s purpose is to provide support for the woman and receive her love in return. Moreover, when a man does what he says he will do, he automatically expresses a sense of responsibility, he radiates a sense of confidence that he will do what he sets out to do. When a man is responsible, it says he cares, and that is what women are most hungry for. A woman begins to feel responsible for doing everything for everyone. Her way of getting relief is to share these feelings with someone she loves. If she can share, something happens inside her and she doesnÂ’t feel so responsible. It is as if she sees all possible problems and unless she tells someone, she feels it is all up to her.

Having gone through the needs and the difference in needs between man and woman, now we will turn our attention on the primary differences between men and women.

Women expand and men contract: - a womanÂ’s greatest challenge in a relationship is to maintain her sense of self while she is expanding to serve the needs of others. In a complementary way, a manÂ’s biggest difficulty is to overcome his tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centered. This explains why men are often frustrated in communicating with women. Women are apt to expand with a topic, while men want them to get to the point. For women, sharing is a potent process of self-discovery. A man who understands this difference is able to nurture and support a woman through non-judgmental listening.

Automatic focusing is an example of the masculine, centripetal force. It restricts or contracts awareness in order to increase focus. A woman falsely assumes that if a man loves her, he will expand, which is her normal reaction. She needs to understand that the way a man reacts has to do with his inherent balance of masculine and feminine forces, and is not a measure of his love. A woman who understands this will not feel so resentful when a man ignores her, but will apply skills to get his attention when she needs it. Just as a man under stress appears ungiving or uncaring because he contracts, a woman appears unreceptive or unsupportable because she expands. To find greater balance within ourselves, we are naturally attracted to those qualities and characteristics that complement or balance what we have already developed. This is one of the secrets in understanding the chemistry of attraction between men and women. By loving and respecting our differences we ourselves gain balance.

Through loving her, he discovers within himself his own feminine qualities; and as she loves him, her masculine qualities begin to be felt. This paradox is integral to any loving and passionate relationship. But through our inner potential to be like them we are able tolerate and have the possibility of intimacy, communication, and closeness. Without some differences there can be no relating; without some similarities there can be no joining. When the independent type f woman begins a relationship with a sensitive man, after some time he suppressed female side begins to emerge. To whatever extent she has rejected her female side she will tend to reject her partner. She may begin to fee, “I need a real man,” when in fact she needs to accept and develop her own female side, which he has already developed.

Macho man: - generally, a macho man is drawn to a woman because she reflects parts of his undeveloped feminine side. His loving union with her facilitates the emergence of his own feminine side. To whatever extent his past conditioning has rejected his own feminine qualities, as they begin to emerge he will begin to reject her. This inner resistance to his emerging feminine side is happening unconsciously. To overcome his inner resistance, the macho man needs to practice: respecting feminine qualities, values, and needs. Learning to listen to women with respect, caring, and understanding, and then patiently learning to accept his own feelings will help him to overcome the occasional resistance produced by early childhood conditioning. Compassion and empathy for women and children will emerge as he takes the time to understand what women rally feel. He may even need to do some healing with his mother. Remember, before judging a woman he should try walking a mile in her high-heel shoes

Martyr woman: - in adulthood when she loves a man, her masculine side will begin to emerge. All of the negative judgments toward her own masculinity get projected onto her partner. To overcome her inner resistance, the martyr woman needs to proactive being autonomous and assertive. She needs, above all, to practice asking for support, and to gibe up expecting men to anticipate her needs just as she does for them she needs to honour and heal the repressed feelings of anger and resentment stored up from her past. She generally needs to do some healing with her father.

Sensitive man; -as this sensitive type man gets closer to a woman, his repressed masculine qualities begin to emerge into consciousness. When a man has repressed his masculinity, he is generally attracted to women who have already developed those qualities. Again the union of opposites creates passion, but as his male energies begin to emerge a shift takes place. Due to negative conditioning surrounding masculinity, aggression, assertiveness, power, etc., he will begin to experience an inner resistance. This resistance gets projected onto his partner. He should rely less on his feelings and more on his mind to make decisions. To strengthen his masculinity, the sensitive man can do more things with men, hang out with men, see action movies, or participate in some competitive sport.

Independent woman: - through persistent sharing of her feminine feelings she will overcome her shame and embarrassment around being feminine, and learn to respect her feminine qualities as she already values her masculine side.

A relationship that sustains the magic of love is one in which we donÂ’t try to change the other nor deny ourselves. Through understanding our complementary differences we realize the tendency to mould our partners into our own image. We are also able to accept and appreciate our own uniqueness without judgment, shame, or guilt. A relationship blossoms, and attraction is sustained when we can both support our partners in being themselves and create support for being ourselves. Just as we must learn how to give support according to our partnersÂ’ unique needs, we must also learn how to receive support without giving up who we are. Learning to appreciate and respect our differences is essential if we are to have mutually supportive relationships. It is this growing love and respect of our differences that supports us through the inevitable periods of resistance, resentment, and rejection.

While dealing with the primary differences, now we will see how men and women see the world differently.

‘Feminine open awareness’ perceives how we are interrelated; women naturally take a greater interest in love, relationships, communication sharing Cupertino, intuition, harmony. Likewise, because ‘masculine focused awareness’’ perceives how parts make up a whole, men have a greater interest in producing results, achieving goals, power, competition, work, logic, and efficiency. Woman’s thinking is expanding but man’s is purpose oriented, similarly their respective talk is also so. To understand this theory of difference of expanding and focusing between woman and man clearly, we will see two examples below.

Purse and wallet: - Contrasts in how men and women confront the world are most visually apparent when we compare a womanÂ’s purse with a manÂ’s wallet. Women carry large, heavy bags, while men carry lightweight, plain black or brown wallets that are designed to carry only the bare essentials. One can never be too sure what one will find when looking into a womanÂ’s purpose; she has everything she could need and carries it with her wherever she goes. To a woman, her purse is her security blanket, a trusted friend, and an important part of her self. Ironically, when she is being escorted to a grand ball she will leave this purse at home; she feels so special and so supported that she doesnÂ’t need the security of her purse.

Entering room: - men and women will tend to enter a room differently. A man will walk into the room, pick a spot, move to it, then look out to one thing, then another, and yet another, until he gradually builds a picture of his environment. His innate tendency will be to first focus, and then expand and open. Whereas a woman, in contrast, will walk into the same room and in a quick glance, notice lots of things almost simultaneously. In a sense, she will take in the entire room before she is concerned about where her spot will be. Then, when she has a picture of the whole environment, she will find a spot in which to settle.

Misinterpreting a womanÂ’s overwhelm: - because women have open awareness, they are more easily overwhelmed by the needs of others. Men need to understand that when women are overwhelmed they are not necessarily trying to accuse or blame; they are just trying to talk about their problems to order to feel better. Instead, attempt to fix her only makes matters worse.

Feeling better differently: - women undergoing stress feel better by talking about their problems and being heard, while men feel better by prioritizing their problems, focusing on one, and then developing a plan of action or a solution.

How she offends him: - just as well-intentioned men mistakenly try to ‘fix’ women, women tend to misguidedly ‘improve’ men at those times when a man talks about what is bothering him.

Men need solutions, women need to share: - men instinctively look for solutions. When a man has a problem, the first thing he does is to go to his ‘cave’ and try to find a solution on his own. When a woman is upset, her first need is for it be ok to be upset for a while. She needs him to listen to her feelings without trying to fix her. Through sharing her problems in a nonfocused way. She will naturally feel better. Hr feeling of overwhelm will diminish even if all the problems remain unsolved. A man can relax when a woman is sharing. Instead of feeling responsible for solving all her problems, he can simply focus on solving one problem he can fulfill her need for a fully focused listener, which well help him to feel better even if none of her problems are solved.

Men prioritise in the context of achieving their goals, while women prioritise according to the importance of their relationships. Women need to be reassured again and again that they are loved and special. Both partners are equally responsible for creating a good relationship. However, their roles are different. She should remember that he is more easily distracted from relationship needs by the demands of his work. For relationships to work, women need to aware of this male vulnerability, recognize the importance of good communication skills, and persist in communicating their needs and wishes. They must be willing to ask for support – and continue to ask. A man’s major responsibility is to counteract his tendency to be overly focused and strive to be caring, respectful, and committed to understanding his partner’s feelings and needs, while maintaining his masculine sense of self. To enrich the relationship, a woman’s major responsibility is to share her feelings, thoughts, and needs without secretly harboring resentments, but with a loving, accepting, trusting, and appreciative attitude. She also must not expect him to meet all her needs, creating instead many avenues of fulfillment in her life.

Making decisions: - because women are more relationship-oriented, they tend to include others in the decision-making process. Before a decision is made, they talk with others, including everyone affected by the decision, and then finally they reach a conclusion together. In contrast, men first make a decision on their own, and then are open to changing it according to feedback from others. First a man makes his decision privately in his “cave”, and then he checks it out with others. If his first conclusion is not accepted, then it is back to the drawing board. Without a true understanding of these different decision-making styles, conflict, confusion, and resentment are sure to follow.

Forming opinions: - similar to the decision-making process, men and women form and express opinions differently. Her style of expression reveals that she is open to seeing the value or truth in other points in other points of view. A quickly forms an opinion or conclusion based on what he already knows; then he tests it out by proclaiming it as if he were absolutely certain. Through experiencing various reactions to his opinion, he then reassesses its accuracy. Through understanding our differing styles we can respect and integrate them both. By forming opinions and then making decisions, truly balanced men and women understand the creative value of openly sharing thoughts and feelings, yet they also respect the value of self-reflection and thinking a problem over before seeking input from others. The intention to be open to and respectful of our partnerÂ’s style of reasoning is very helpful to avoid conflict.

Living in the promise: - Open awareness is capable of recognizing the potential of someone or of a situation. When a woman is too open she can fall in love with a man’s potential. If she lacks focus, she will react today to things she expects to happen in the future. Men need to feel loved and accepted the way they are before they can change. Being accepted ‘as one is’ does not mean being accepted ‘as one will be’. No man can grow and realize his potential with a woman unless she is real. When a woman lives in the promise, she behaves to her partner as if she is getting her dreams fulfilled. On an unconscious level, she is becoming increasingly dissatisfied, frustrated, and disappointed. Just as women can live in the future, men can live in the past. A man may make his partner happy once and then expect her to stay fulfilled. Man do something nice and they imagine women will be happy forever. Like an ostrich that buries its head in the sand, men bury themselves in work and don’t acknowledge that there are problems in their love life. Like women, men can also live in the future. When they are richer and more successful, they imagine, they and their mares will be happy and fulfilled.

Self-blame versus blaming others: - Another common difference between men and women is that women tend to blame themselves first while men first blame others. Focused awareness sees problems as obstacles to achieving a particular outcome or goal. For this focused perspective, any obstruction is perceived first with blame. On the other hand, open awareness sees problems in a larger context – as outcomes that need to be corrected. From this perspective, a woman is quick to see all the possible ways she could have done something differently in order to have produced a different outcome. Thus she easily feels responsible and accepts blame.

Of late, the pressure of stress in the present human society is on the increase. Therefore it has become pertinent to study the difference in approach and reaction to stress between man and woman. Basically, by changing the outside objective world, the masculine nature attempts to reduce stress; and by changing herself, the feminine psyche attempts to reduce stress. When undesirable things happen to him, to maintain his control he needs to analyse objectively how his actions are responsible for what happened and realize what he can do to change things. His objectivity can then be put to determining what he can do to solve the problem. In summary, under stress a man needs time and space to find objective solutions (positive behaviour), and a woman needs time and attention to find her subjective solutions (positive attitudes). When they are unable to give themselves the support they need, they run the risk of being possessed by their dark sides.

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in out relationships.

The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be; at such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he powerless to release it. However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave; to get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. To expect a man who is his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a womanÂ’s feelings to always be rational and logical. A woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. To increase co-operation both men and women need to understand each other better. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels he is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.

A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. He does not realize that she if talking to feel better. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems les upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr. fix-it hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. Aster offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. When she doesnÂ’t feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesnÂ’t have to solve any of them it can help him to relax and listen. As men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be a excellent way to forget the problems of his as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

Destructive and positive emotions and their consequences: - When a man reacts to stress from his feminine emotional side he tends to lose his positive attitudes. When a man experiences his negative emotions and has lost his objectivity, his emotions become mean, threatening, and unloving. A woman, on the other hand, doesnÂ’t necessarily lose her positive feelings when she becomes angry. She has a greater ability to feel angry while maintaining a caring and respect for the other person. For woman, approach through emotions and sentiments are positive but otherwise negative. For men, approach through resolving is positive but otherwise negative. A man who does not honour and support his objective reactions automatically experiences negative and destructive emotions. A woman who doesnÂ’t honour and support her subjective reactions becomes rigid and opionated in her thinking. As long as a woman is in touch with her positive feelings and attitudes, her thinking will be clear and flexible. As long as a manÂ’ thinking and attitudes are positive, his feelings will be loving and supportive. When men lose their objectivity, they move into their dark side; women move to their dark side when they lose their subjectivity. A womanÂ’s attitude is empathetic, whereas the manÂ’s is self-centered. So also, womanÂ’s communication is for sharing whereas the manÂ’s is for solving.

How woman and man changes: - To cope with stress, being subjective in nature, she changes herself through sharing and expressing her feelings, thoughts, and wishes without being invalidated. To do this she needs to be heard with caring, understanding, and respect. But, if she keeps her feelings to herself, she will be consumed by trying to adjust her behaviour and speech to win the love of others. From this place of seeking to earn love, she will try to change others to get the love she needs, but deep inside she is hiding a storehouse of resentment, mistrust, and dissatisfaction. These negative feelings weaken her identity and her relationships. WomanÂ’s self-awareness is the basic ingredient enabling women to change, objective awareness is necessary for a man to change. A man feels compelled to change when he feels appreciated and accepted, but also recognizes that he is not creating the desired result and that he is responsible. In brief, a woman changes for sentiments and man changes for better results, or recognition.

How women and men go out of balance: - after she has sacrificed or surrendered her position repeatedly, she will begin to feel resentful that he is not doing the same. Now, on a less conscious level, she will begin to try to change her partner. All communication at this point becomes somewhat manipulative and very distasteful to him. He will inevitable reject her or rebel. If she remains resentful or uncentered for long, she will inevitably become more manipulative or controlling. In a complementary way, his instinctive strategy is to change the object: if she is unhappy, then he tries to make her happy by fulfilling her needs. If, however, he begins to feel that he cannot make a difference, he goes out of balance, becomes more subjective, and his attitude changes. As a result, he becomes weak, moody, insecure, and passive. It is hard for him to shake off his negative mood when he has lost his objectivity.

Now we will see how man and woman ought to give and receive emotional support. When the physical needs for survival and security are generally fulfilled, relationships take on a new orientation; the emotional needs take precedence. When a relationship undergoes the shift from being physically based to being emotionally oriented, a couple needs to know it is inevitable that new problems will come up. The old ways of relating to each other will not be satisfactory or fulfilling. Because women are generally more conscious of their emotional needs, the woman is first to experience a lack of fulfillment. He thinks that having achieved financial property, he has completed his job. These new problems cannot be avoided. If the two understand and accept that this is inevitable, then they will not be as resentful of each other. They will not question the relationship; instead they will question their old styles of relating and communicating. Rather than changing partners, they can focus their energies on improving their abilities to give and receive emotional support.

Now coming to an another dimension of marriage, viz. sex, even though we already dealt with this topic in detail let us review the difference in their attitude and approaches in sex in brief. The alchemy of great sex generates chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health. In his book, ‘the power of five’, Harold Bloomfield, M.D., reveals that regular sex a vital for maintaining higher estrogen levels in women. Higher estrogen has been associated with better bones, better cardiovascular health, and a feeling of joy in life. Men who experience regular sex have higher testosterone level, which leads to greater confidence, vitality, strength, and energy.

Different chemistry: - The hormones in a manÂ’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm. For example, when a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and talk; without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used.

Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love. Through sex, a manÂ’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most. When a woman begins to understand this whole perspective on sex. Instead of a manÂ’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love.

Why women donÂ’t understand: - A woman primarily needs the emotional security. When she feels supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more important.

What men need: - When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defences and not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being ads well. By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated. Though touching her softens and entering the warmth of her loving body, he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness and warmth.

How sex is different for men and women: - A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. The great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build-up of tension for woman the more a man in his daily life is disconnected from his feelings, the more he will crave sexual stimulation and release. A manÂ’s persistent sexual longing is really his soul seeking wholeness. The barren landscape of living only in his mind seeks union with the rich, sensuous, colourful, and sweet-smelling terrain of his heart. As his penis is momentarily held and massaged on all sides by her warm and wet vagina, his whole being is nourished. A man is free to feel when he has achieved his goal. When his male side has done its work successfully, he swings over to his female side and fully feels. The more a woman is focused throughout her day on caring for and giving to others, the less aware she is of herself and her own sensual desires. When a man focuses on a woman in a caring and attentive way, he frees her to experience herself again. When a woman feels temporarily relieved of her pressure to care for others, she can begin to feel her sexual desires. A manÂ’s romantic attention to details designed to please her automatically begins to open her up.

Slow, rhythmic, and unpredictable physical touching, stroking, and rubbing of the non erogenous zones gradually awaken a more intense longing to be touched in her erogenous zones; whereas, a skilful female lover directly stimulates a manÂ’s most sensitive and erogenous area, his penis and testicles. As these areas are stimulated, the rest of his body gradually wakes up and wants to be touched, licked and stimulated as well.

Men tend to measure their success in sex by a womanÂ’s orgasm. For sex to be memorable from both the male and female perspectives, the woman needs to be fulfilled. A woman who has difficulty opening up in sex begins to open up when she doesnÂ’t feel the pressure to have an orgasm.

One of the simplest and most powerful ways to rekindle passion is to get away from the routine and familiar. To re-ignite the passion and to feel like a beautiful and loved woman, she needs to get away from the daily responsibilities and routine. A man needs to remember that sometimes before a woman can feel romantic, she needs to talk. A woman directly benefits from the process of exploring what she wants. This helps her understand her likes, wishes, and desires, and directly prepares her for experiencing intense sexual passion and desire.

The main principle in sex, we have to understand, is: man, by nature, is active hence expects recognition, and woman, by nature, is receptive hence expects care; in sex, activity requires materials, hence man is motivated by physical, whereas receptivity requires care and understanding hence woman is motivated by care, security and understanding.

Sex is the core of man-woman relationship, especially in marriage. Even though care is common factor for the both, his priority is materialistic care whereas hers is emotional care. In general, materialistic need is the priority to man but whereas the priority is security for women. For man first physiological needs are to be satisfied in sex, then he turns to emotional needs; whereas for woman first emotional needs are to be satisfied, then only she turns to physiological needs. Man is hard and rough in the beginning of sex and after his satisfaction, he becomes soft, whereas woman is soft in the beginning and after her satisfaction (not satiation), she becomes hard in sex (e.g. after getting satiated throÂ’ soft chats and satisfying emotional needs, the urge starts afterwards making breast bigger, nipple hard, vulva thicker, etc). That means man feels his own feminine after his maleÂ’s is satiated; and woman feels her own masculine after her femaleÂ’s is satisfied. Woman enjoys communication whereas man enjoys action. That means, when a man is probing her body during the foreplay, she can communicate to him the positive aspects thereby both enjoy each otherÂ’s company in their own natural way; however the man should impress upon her about his listening whereas she should co-operate with his for his probing the way he likes.

Having maintained her private parts sacred, when she opens-up for him it indicates ‘trust’ which fulfills his priority need. So also when he deals with her to satisfy her, it indicates his care for her, which is the priority need for her. In nudity opening her hands and accepting him to her body indicates her ‘acceptance’ which is an another fulfillment of his basic need,’ acceptance’. Similarly, in the fore-play, or just before for sex, when the man listens to her attentively and during the foreplay when he attends to her emotional needs in order to raise her to the sexual plane, she is fulfilled with her basic love need, viz. ‘understanding’. His absolute attention in dealing with her physical needs indicates devotion whereas her handling his erotic zone impresses the ‘admiration’ factor in his mind. Her positive response to his action indicates ‘appreciation’ for him whereas attending to her needs to her satisfaction allowing her to enjoy her own feelings indicate his ‘respect’ to her feelings. Every time, taking care of her emotional needs during sex indicates ‘reassurance’ of his love to her whereas her participation and positive reactions give ‘encouragement ’for him. Her involvement gives her ‘approval’ whereas his ‘validating’ her personal sexual values makes her more womanly which is vital for sex.

Before returning back to our topic, here we will just go through a partial list of gender roles and stereotypes for man and women under the OLD PARADIGM. They are: -

Men Women

o Rational emotional

o Tough delicate and tender

o Dominant submissive

o Strong weak

o Aggressive tame and docile

o Competitive co-operative

o Brave timid

o Contemplative, reserved talkative

o Achiever complacent

o Just compassionate

o Assertive retiring

o Patience impulsive

o Wise premature

o Bread-winner home-keeper

o Active, no nonsense passive and sweet

o Mathematical verbal

o Physical non-physical

o Hunting, working cooking, serving

Freud was of the opinion when he said anatomy determines destiny, in a reference to the different roles of men and women.

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he empowered and has more to give. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

Men have a win/lose philosophy – I want to win, and I don’t care if you lose. Most of the men attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationship. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win. So also, when a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. Given the opportunity to prove his potential a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways. A major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivate again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

When a woman loves a man: - most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men donÂ’t realize this because their male instincts tell them itÂ’s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or is he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mould herself to fulfill her partnerÂ’s needs. Ina manÂ’s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can better serve and respect others. As a man matures he also learns new strategies for giving but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.

Giving-up blame: - when a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partner. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesnÂ’t ask for it, listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares. Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partnerÂ’s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesnÂ’t offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

Learning to receive: - if as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. ‘Needing’ is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. ‘Neediness’, however, is desperately needing support because you do not trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. Man requires physiological and psychological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need; for woman, man is a security.

Speaking different languages: - men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same works. Because many men donÂ’t understand that women express feeling differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partnerÂ’s feelings. This leads to arguments. Men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. But men process information very differently. They first formulate it inside and then express it. Women need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his cave to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave. When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she listening and that she cares. Without these reassuring responses, a manÂ’s silence can be very threatening. Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react. It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Man wants him to be trusted by his woman and woman wants her to be cared by her man. WomanÂ’s patience, support (without advice) and care (to his needs) will help him during his cave period. A man wants his favourite woman to trust that he can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honour, pride, and self-esteem. When a man goes into his cave he generally tries to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives hem more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.

How to approach a man with criticism or advice: - in addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity. A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. While men want to be trusted, women want caring. It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hats to be pitied.

Many men donÂ’t understand that she needs to share upset feelings with the people they love. However, with practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having them sound like blaming. A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesnÂ’t make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference. Appreciation, request for change, and acceptance in her communication will in the long run pave way for changes in him. Listening, sharing and caring from him will help in satisfaction for her. Care and assurance in his communication will yield better results with her.

Relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of peopleÂ’s innate differences. When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it. Generally the perception of wifeÂ’s blaming husband indicates only her stress/upset. Once she comes out of her stress/upset, she will become normal.

There are certain unexpected and sudden different volatile attitudes of men and women in which men are unable to understand this sudden change in her attitude and so also women are unable to understand this sudden change in his attitude. Now we will analyse the reasons for the sudden change and the nature of volatility.

Men are like Rubber Bands: - he may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own. A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. When a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn’t understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. What she doesn’t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfils his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. From self, man stretches to love and any sensation of losing ‘self’ in the affair will make him to come back to self and only her patience and taking care of him with due respect for his self will make him to come back to love earlier. To certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to re-establish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous. When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away, after some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk. There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are: - (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away. Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some men feel guilty needing to spend time in their caves or they may get confused when they start to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong with them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men. Even generally, the more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, after being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking. When a man feels appreciated for listening, he will gradually begin to open up, but first he needs to feel accepted.

Women are like waves: - A womanÂ’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave, when she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning. A womanÂ’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love.

In a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathise with what she is going through. When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. She is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved. When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the “well”.

When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface, these issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. When a woman doesnÂ’t feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking or over care- taking. When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time. Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience pre-menstrual syndrome. There is a strong correlation between pms and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. One study revealed that a womanÂ’s self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five day. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but as per one study it is about the same. A womanÂ’s self-esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but is does average out at twenty-eight days. It is important to recognise that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a womanÂ’s competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs. Generally, her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto husband. During wave the woman undergoes through irritation, and if she tries to suppress, comes throÂ’ positive actions, or with pms subjects her unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness, helplessness, is projected on her husband. When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, the three steps for supporting her when he needs to pull away: - (1) the first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give; (2) next, you need to understand that she needs more that you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid; (3) although you canÂ’t give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then youÂ’ll be able to give her the support she deserves. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. Lastly, without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives, by remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.

Men and women fight because: men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding; and this can be resolved: by supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free. Moreover, as a womanÂ’s financial needs are fulfilled, she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.

Therefore, if one understands the natural psychological differences of oneÂ’s marital partner, it will be easier for the partner to handle any unexpected, irrational and irritational situations in the marital relationship. One has to understand the difference in the nature of close relationship between in family and in marriage, so that one can adapt to the new environment of this unique intimate relationship in marriage. Moreover, having the knowledge of the natural differences in approaches and attitudes between man and woman, one can understand and deal with the other partner with ease in such a way that the interaction should yield, as far as possible, happiness to the both, or minimum satisfaction, or at least not creating dissatisfaction. In every interaction in marriage, the happiness of their unit should be the priority in the minds of both the partners.

 

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