COLLEEN'S NAKED GROOVE FEST III:



An interview with Colleen





Colleen is a co-founder of COLLEEN'S NAKED GROOVE FEST and she is also responsible for its namesake. We took a few minutes recently with Colleen to ask her what her thoughts are on this year's concert.



DISCLAIMER: DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING INTERVIEW IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS.



1) YOU OFTEN WONDER WHY FISH DON'T RESPOND WHEN YOU SPEAK TO THEM.

2) YOUR BODY IS COMPOSED OF SOME SORT OF FLAMMABLE OR NONFLAMMABLE MATERIAL.

3) YOU'VE BEEN KNOWN TO SHOUT ANIMAL NOISES AT INAPPROPRIATE TIMES DURING ILYAIMY CONCERTS.

4) YOU ARE A PROVERBIAL SOURPUSS AND YOU ARE LIKELY TO TAKE ALL OF THIS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.

5) YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH THE PRESIDENT.

6) YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH THE PRESIDENT.

7) YOUR NAME HAS VOWELS IN IT.

8) YOU FEEL "FRESH" THIS EVENING.

9) NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9.......

10) YOU DIDN'T GET THE REFERENCE IN NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9, NUMBER 9....

11) YOUR SEVERE ONSET OF LEPROSY PREVENTS YOU FROM TYPING WITH THE CORRECT FINGERS.





Well, Colleen, I must admit that we're all a little saddened that you're not going to be in the country when this year's concert happens. Are you sad that you're going to miss it?



Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..... *Choking....wheezing....* .....hahahahahaha.....



Oh, you were serious.... Um, yeah. I'm quite distraught. I'm so sad that I'm gonna miss it. Soooo sad.



Right. Well, am I to understand that you are contributing nothing to this year's concert then?



I wouldn't say that! I folded 400,000 napkins for the event, raised over a million dollars selling crack to midgets, and performed over 40,000 sexual favors on concert staff.



40,000 sexual favors?????



No! Sectual favors, not sexual favors! I'm a practicing Branch Dividian now.



Didn't they all get killed at Waco?



Oh....



Yeah.... well....um.... What do you think of this year's musical line-up? Lots of great new bands, eh?



You're telling me! I was so excited when I learned that the Rolling Stones were gonna be there! And the Pink Floyd reunion tour was totally unexpected!



Um.... actually, Colleen, it's Leviathan that is doing a reunion tour, not Pink Floyd. And the Rolling Stones definitely aren't gonna be there.



Oh my, does that mean that Mozart and Cole Porter cancelled too?



Mozart and Cole Porter? Colleen, they're long since dead!



Oh, dammit! Well, the Sumo wrestling potato chips will just have to be enough to attract folks. *Sigh*



What the hell are you talking about?



Oh... a little secret. Probably shouldn't have let it out of the bag. Lots of sumowrestling food. Cucumbers, potato chips, roast duck, even a death match between a box of raisins and a highly trained gang of assassin prunes from Hell. Sounds pretty nifty, don't it?



I'm starting to wonder about your mental health here, Colleen. I mean, I've been interviewing you for three years and you never seem to say anything that has even a hint of sanity to it. Everything you say is just so utterly ridiculous. None of it makes any sense! You're insane, Colleen. This interview is hopeless. I don't know why I'm wasting my time.



I'm sorry you feel that way. But despite that kind of cynicism, I am very excited about this year's concert. Even though I won't be there physically, I'm certainly going to be there in spirit. There's gonna be lots of fun there, including volleyball, twister, and an outdoor pool. And we have 10 fabulous musical acts performing. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I hope everyone comes out.



Wow, that was all coherant. Everything you just said made perfect sense and was completely true. Maybe there is hope for you after all, Colleen.



Meep! I'm a big green muppet! Watch me do the dance of love! Watta watta bing bang! Raising the roof! Raising the roof! Hooray for that third nipple! Everybody loves a freak! Gimme some sugar, sugar. Yeah, that's right. And you too, Sparky. Yabba Dabba Doo!!!!!!!!!



Note: Since the time of this interview, Colleen and the interviewer were both hospitalized for nervous breakdowns. Unfortunately, the hospital staff put them in adjoining rooms. Both, consequently, became heavilly addicted to steroids, pornography, C-Span, and pears that are slightly shaped like the face of Elvis. Doctors have assured us that both will be ok within a week or two though, barring any complications that may occur during the lobotomy procedures.





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