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Adult children often feel social and psychological pressure to bring
their aging parents into their homes. But often family circumstances, lack
of living space and personalities make this an undesirable solution. The
hardest task an adult child has to face may that of saying "no" to a
parent who wants to move in with you, or in recognizing when the care of a
loved one at home has become too difficult. But it is OK to say "no." It doesn't mean you don’t love your parents,
and it mean you have to feel guilty. Yes, you do have a duty to your
parents, to make sure they are safe and protected. That doesn’t mean you
have to do it all yourself. Caregivers who choose to take charge of their
lives, and see caregiving as just one of their roles, are often happier
and healthier people. You need to explain to your parents that refusing to allow them to move
into your home, or helping them find nursing home care does not mean that
you don’t love them or that you are abandoning your responsibilities. Make
sure they know you will help them in other ways, like coordinating medical
services, researching nursing homes and assisted living facilities, taking
over financial arrangements, helping with everyday chores like shopping,
laundry or errands. Change can be frightening to anyone, at any age, but
is particularly difficult for the elderly, who have less flexibility.
Reassure them that they will not be abandoned, and show them you mean
it! There are many reasons why children simply cannot allow their aging
parents to move into their homes: financial reasons, stress, fear of being
unable to cope, lack of time due to needs of spouse, children or work
responsibilities, friction between the personalities of household members,
lack of space, and many other considerations. The physical and mental deterioration of an aging parent can be a
barrier to care in the home. Vision changes cause concern for safety, and
wandering can be a serious problem. Handling multiple medications and
recognizing physical changes can be very difficult. Ask yourself: 1. Is my parent safe, free from the dangers of fire, overmedication,
sudden illness and lack of ability to get help? 2. Has my parent had a lot of recent falls? 3. Is my parent happy? Does he/she have friends and a social life? 4. Does my parent have activities that interest and occupy him/her? 5. Is my parent able to perform their activities of routine hygiene –
can they bathe, do laundry, brush their teeth, etc. unassisted? 6. Is my parent able to prepare and eat 3 nutritious meals daily? 7. Is my parent able to safely and accurately take his/her own
medication? 8. Does my parent recognize significant symptoms of health problems and
seek appropriate care? 9. Is my parent safe from criminal predators and fraud? 10. Do I truly have the time required to protect my parent and provide
the care needed? Look at your options, and do your homework. The Internet can be a big
help in gathering information about the types of assistance that are
available, the different levels of required care and financial assistance
that might be available. Go to our “Links” page
for sites with other helpful information about elder care. |
