EAST KEENE —In an event that some are labeling as generosity unseen in quite some time, H. H. Macalister, a West Keene resident, donated his VCR to Manny Shultz and his East Keene family standing outside of Wal-Mart Sunday.

The donation, confirmed by Herald sources earlier today, not only led many to stand outside of Wal-Mart looking for free hand-me-downs, but also held strong implications toward the growing worthlessness of VHS.

“I don’t need the piece of shit,” declared Macalister via phone this morning “and it costs me less to give it to that guy and his fat kids. Hell, my wife got the DVD this Christmas and I prefer those anyways.”

The latest appliance to find refuge in the Shultz' den.

Others do not agree with Macalister’s choice in home entertainment, most notably Shultz who was the recipient of Macalister’s beneficence.

“Super decent!” exclaims Shultz as he finds room in his Pine Street den for the over-sized 1986 JVC. “We placed this new one here, and I gave the other one that don’t rewind to good to my kids.”

The trickle-down generosity directly resulting from Macalister’s actions are sending waves throughout the entire Shultz family. When asked about the new hand-me-down from their father, the Shultz children indicated uses for the old VCR that included more than just watching movies.

“What the f--k does dad think we can do with this thing?” Rhetorically asked Mack Jr., the eldest son of Manny. “Me and Dingus here [a friend present in the interview] think we’re either gonna throw it in the road when the bus goes by, or we’re gonna bring it up to Otter Brook Damn and throw it off the bridge.”

When asked about the future plans of his former VCR via telephone interview, Macalister responded:

“I don’t care what those mouth breathers do with it. Anyways, don’t you guys have real work to do? Well, goodbye. I need to get to the office early and fire that new kid Easter Seals made us hire.”

Macalister in the past has donated a couch to an employee with a truck, an old dryer to his mother's retirement community, and a broken lawnmower to man who was away on vacation.

EAST KEENE — A tradition in the East Keene Junior Trade School Talent Show, which has solid root in both the trade school and the local community, came under fierce scrutiny this weekend after a shocked few described it as “barbaric behavior.”

The fistfight piece of the show offended some audience members and led them to directly confront the show’s director, Dr. Earl Wess.

“Well, these folk didn’t like what they seen here last night, and you can’t just tell them to eat shit and not to watch, because I guess the law says they got a right to say something.”

The group voicing the complaint, and responsible for the possible cancellation, is in fact Clyde and Jeanette Rendleson, a couple from New Haven, Connecticut. They were in attendance with Mr. Rendleson’s recently discovered first-cousin Clarke Foytson, whose son is well-known EKJTS Drama Club prodigy Eric “Turbo” Foyston.

“Well we just learned recently from our genealogy research that the Foystons are related to my mother’s side,” indicated Mr. Rendleson. “Well, anyways, we were going skiing this weekend and decided to stop in and say hello to our newly discovered kin. We were invited to the talent show and felt obliged to attend.”

“We were utterly appalled!” Exclaimed Mrs. Rendleson. “We tried to leave politely, but Clyde’s cousin wouldn’t let us go. After a small scene we left.”

In a complaint by the Rendlesons arriving via phone the next day, Dr. Wess and several trustees of EKJTS took the Rendleson’s complaint with a grain of salt and told them the fistfight portion would in fact be canceled the next year.

“Who knows if we will, I just told them that to get them off my back.” Stated trustee Dink Lowe. “I mean these assholes are all, ‘Oh sir, you must end this barbaric process’,” says Lowe in a rich guy voice, “I mean what a bunch of babies.”

It is unclear today whether the fistfight portion of the talent show will continue next year, many say it will, but the Rendlesons feel their words were heard and will be acted upon.

“It doesn’t seem right to us,” stated Mr. Rendleson. “I mean at our grandson’s talent show children sang and acted. I find that talent, not kids punching each other in the face.”

“Well, we can’t all be faggots, can we?” Dr. Wess caustically asked, “I mean who’d take time out of a weeknight just to watch a bunch of little fruits run around and act like tarts? Please, it’s unthinkable.”

Special Report: Shocking Results to be Published Tuesday!
-Buck Farley

The investigative unit of the Herald has been immersed in study for over a month observing pedestrian heckling in both East Keene and West Keene. The results are astonishing, but probably not that surprising. Arriving Tuesday will be the results of this study, don't miss it!