PRESIDENT BUSH: Hi there, Big Guy... (pause) ...God? God, you there?...

BOOMING NEBULOUS VOICE: Who's this?

BUSH: It's me... George.

BNV: George Bailey?

BUSH: God, this is George W. Bush. I'm the president of America.

BNV: You're kidding.

BUSH: Yeah, God, I got this little problem.

BNV: They usually do.

BUSH: It's these approval ratings... and the war on terror thing. I could use a little guidance.

BNV: George, I'm not really supposed to touch the political stuff. Doesn't your country still have that separation of Church and State business?

BUSH: Come on, Man. This is trouble down here.

BNV: Your dad was in this line of work. Can you ask him?

BUSH: You're breaking up. I can't hear you. I'm going through a tunnel.

BNV: Cut that out. I can see you. You're sitting at your desk.

BUSH: Oh...That's kinda' creepy.

BNV: Look, I don't mean to rush you, but we're supposed to go out with friends tonight. Could you just tell me, specifically, what's bothering you?

BUSH: Well, they kinda' caught me on the weapons of mass destruction thing.

BNV: Were you fibbin', or was this something you did because you're...well... not the sharpest spur in Texas?

BUSH: I think I may have been fibbin' a little on this one.

BNV: And?

BUSH: Well, we never could locate the nukes or chemical weapons in Iraq, and so far there's no sign of any Bio weapons, short of a really funky egg salad sandwich one of our guys found at a deli in Mosul.

BNV: Hmmm.

BUSH: So I told 'em it was you that wanted me to invade Iraq... that you told me I had to waste Saddam... and that it was you that told me about the Uranium from Africa.

BNV: You what?!

BUSH: I couldn't think of anything clever to say right there. And this guy Woodward had me hypnotized or something. It was like I couldn't stop talking to him.

BNV: He's good, isn't he? Smooth.

BUSH: Heck yes.

BNV: So you told Woodward I wanted you to go and waste bad guys?

BUSH: Yeah.

BNV: This isn't good. War? George, what am I gonna' say to the families of all those people you killed? You're not the only guy with my number, you know.

BUSH: Whaddayamean?

BNV: It's too hard to explain right now.

BUSH: Are you mad at me?

(silence)

BUSH: Are you still there?

BNV: I'm thinking.

BUSH: I just remembered some... other stuff.

BNV: Do I really want to know?

BUSH: What should I do about that business at the prison... and the leak to Novak... and the deal with the Saudis to boost oil production before the election... the environment stuff... the $700 mil I diverted from Afghanistan without congressional approval to fund the secret war preparation for Iraq, and the...?

BNV: George, George, Jesus Christ! One at a time.

BUSH: (pause) Yes... Jesus Christ... One-at-a-time...

BNV: I'm not gonna' be asked to testify before a Congressional panel on this, am I?

BUSH: If it comes to that, Cheney will be at your side the whole time.

BNV: Look, I gotta let you go. She's calling. Now no more wars, kid. Get a therapist or something. Spend time with the family. If you still have questions and you just don't trust the folks around you, listen to "Simple Man" by Skynyrd. There's good common sense in that one. I helped 'em out with the words.

-bcp