Black Cow Press to remove caricatures of Prophet Mohammed

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Black Cow Press
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Black Cow Press to remove caricatures of Prophet

NORTH LAS VEGAS — The prestigious journal Black Cow Press offered a heartfelt apology today for its publishing of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed.
“Mistakes were made,” admitted publisher David Treacle at this morning’s press conference, “From time to time that’s going to happen. The important thing is that we acknowledge our part and seek to make things right as soon as possible.”

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Following protests last night, the paper voluntarily pulled the offending cartoons and faked nudes of the Prophet from its website, and burned thousands of copies of the print edition containing the caricatures while staff danced around the blaze screaming incoherently and beating each other with long sticks outside the paper’s world headquarters in North Las Vegas.

(Updated: 12:54 PM)
Publisher apologizes for burning images of Prophet
Publisher David Treacle again offered a heartfelt mea culpa at an afternoon press conference held amid very tight security. “I am so, so sorry,” explained Treacle, “People were absolutely steamed about the images. I thought the best thing we could do was burn them -- you know -- to show how we were in agreement with that sentiment or something. I thought to be culturally sensitive we should use fire. I see now that we really jumped the gun, and that burning images of the Prophet -- even if those images were so insulting as to portray him, for instance, riding a sow bareback a la lady Godiva, or using peanut butter to lure a stray dog into a sex act -- was blasphemous, wrong and deeply offensive to the faithful.

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As soon as I realized what I’d done, I ran into the street and personally urinated on some of the smoldering images of the Prophet to rescue them from being completely incinerated.”

(Updated: 1:13 PM)
Situation deteriorating rapidly. Publisher apologizes for soiling images of Prophet.
The corporate offices of Black Cow Press were firebombed just minutes ago as growing street riots enveloped the Fulton neighborhood of North Las Vegas. Officials are estimating property damage upwards of $30 million.

In a desperate plea for calm, publisher David Treacle again apologized for the drawing, the burning, and the peeing on, as violence threatened to spread to the greater Las Vegas area. The paper ran a special edition with a formal apology to violent and unreasonable peoples around the world, and announced it would hold a free pig roast with country line dancing this Friday to mend fences in the community.

(Updated: 1:17 PM)
ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! PUBLISHER WHISKED AWAY TO CULTURAL SENSITIVITY CLASSES! VEGAS IS BURNING!
Amid chants of “Alahu Akbar” and “Stick the Muthafuckah!” much of Las Vegas was destroyed today by roving mobs enraged over the continued bungling of the Prophet Mohammed caricatures. Publisher David Treacle tried unsuccessfully to pacify the marauding crowd before an elite detachment of Black Cow Press security were flown in to restore order with tear gas and water cannon.

Brandishing a shotgun and megaphone, Treacle pleaded with the crowd: “Listen, people, please just calm the fuck down! What the hell do you want me to do?! You are just impossibly hypersensitive! How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? How many times? Our printing presses are destroyed. Some pigfucker just torched my Chrysler! You need to get laid or something. I can tell you’re all desperately sexually frustrated. I’ve been trying to mollify this situation all day, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”

-bcp

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