jiffy pop and the department of homeland security

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Jiffy Pop and the DHS
Securing the Homeland... One Kernel at a Time

It's only recently come to light that the US government intends to purchase unprecedented quantities of popping corn for survival kits. Once again, Black Cow Press brings you the story first. Here are the facts as we currently understand them:

Unnamed sources within the administration revealed Thursday that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) intends to stockpile millions of packages of Jiffy Pop to safeguard the nation in the event of a large-scale terrorist attack.
The ambitious plan will be implemented in three phases: Initially, only the military will be outfitted. Phase II calls for the popcorn to be made available to rescue personnel and law enforcement. Within 12 months every American citizen will be issued his or her own dose of the popular snack.
Con Agra, Jiffy Pop's manufacturer, intends to open 20 new plants in the next six months to keep pace with the increased demand. Secure government warehouses are to be built in strategic areas across the country. -bcp

WHY JIFFY POP?

THIS FOOD WILL NOT GO BAD:
The popcorn's unsurpassable shelf life makes it an obvious choice for the fallout shelter, but it doesn't stop there:

VERSATILITY:
J.Pop can be cooked over an open fire if your range quits due to a fuel shortage or interruptions in the electrical grid.

PLAYING IT COOL:
A diet high in carbohydrates can significantly reduce stress and anxiety levels associated with a mass- casualty event.

STILL HUNGRY?:
Heating pan can be re-used to cook any number of edibles.

STAYING CONNECTED IN A CRISIS:
Wire handle converts into an FM radio antenna.

HELP!:
Bottom of the pan doubles as a handy rescue mirror.

GO FORTH AND BEAR GOOD FRUIT:
In the event of a radiological attack, the tin foil top can be fashioned into a sort of codpiece to protect the testicles, improving the chances of giving birth to healthy offspring in the future.

AMERICAN MADE:
'Nuff Said.

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