THE BITTER TRUTH ABOUT HYBRIDS
Lewis Green on Corn, Farming, and the Iowa Caucus

by Jerome Rodriguez

This interview took place Thursday, January 16, 2004. I met Lewis through a guy I know here in Iowa City, name of Billy Fish. I don't dislike Billy, but it is worth noting that he is arrogant and untalented.
I did not intend to show up drunk to the interview, but he wanted to meet at 11 a.m. on a Thursday.

On a procedural note, a friend of mine "JB" transcribed this so I would not be able to "manipulate the data." Standards of intellectual honesty at BCP are much higher than at most media organizations. JB's sister is a notary in Wisconsin. He says she's impeccably honest.
Thanks for transcribing, Josh.

[tape starts, garbled noises]

Jerome Rodriguez: So, I appreciate your time.
Lewis Green: Um-hmm. Any friend of Billy Fish’s [chuckles]
JR: I don’t want to misrepresent my relationship with Billy. I know he’s your cousin’s son and all, but I wouldn’t say we’re "friends." [long pause]
LG: Sure. Billy’s a great kid though.
JR: Yeah. Definitely. [pause] I just, like, didn’t want him to think that I was coming in here and saying he’s my best friend or anything, since I don’t know him that well. It’s his wife that I know well. [silence] We’re classmates. [silence] But I definitely like what I know about Billy. So maybe he’s friend, maybe that’s fair. [silence, shuffling sounds. Forced laugh from Rodriguez]
Anyhow, we’re getting off base. We’re here to talk about corn farming [laughs]
LG: That’s right.
JR: So tell me about it.
LG: [polite laugh] It’s a big subject. What about it?
JR: What comes to mind first when I say "corn farming"?
LG: Corn, I suppose.
JR: Okay. [chuckles] But that’s repeating one of the terms I presented you with. [awkward pause] But that’s fine. What else?
LG: What else what?
JR: comes to mind when I say "corn farmer"? You're the expert witness, Mr. Green. Third place at 1984 Iowa State Fair, best ear of corn, no?
LG: I did win bronze at that competition.
JR: Did that improve your marriage?
LG: I don't believe so. Why?
JR: Corn is so phallic. It's like you've got... you know -[rustling] The third biggest cock in Iowa. Of corn farmers anyway.
LG: [Extended silence] I think you misunderstand the competition.
JR: Yeah, maybe that’s not the best way to get at it. Let me just--looking at my notes here-- [sound of pages flipping] Oh yeah, one thing that really creeps me out is those signs that surround all the corn fields now. From a distance they look almost like campaign signs, but [laughs] By the way, who are you caucusing for on Monday?
LG: The wife and myself are registered Republicans.
JR: OK. But who would you vote for if you were a Democrat?
LG: George W. Bush.
JR: Of course. [pause] Since you’re voting for him does that mean that you, like, think he would be a great guy to have a beer with?
LG: Excuse me?
JR: Bush. Isn’t that what everyone says about him "he’s the type of guy you’d like to drink beer with?"
LG: I haven’t heard that. Besides, I don’t drink. Neither does he, if I’m not mistaken.
JR: That’s a really good thing, I think. Drinking definitely makes you stupider. Kills brain cells you know? [pause] Gives you that kind of cotton-brain feeling.
LG: Mm-hmm.
JR: Is there corn in beer, by the way?
LG: I don’t believe so. [pause] Young man, will you excuse me for, eh, just a moment?
JR: Of course. Take your time.

[tape runs for three minutes and forty seconds before Green returns to the room. In the meantime, various sounds including a water tap running and a series of slurping noises suggesting someone (presumably Rodriguez) was drinking from it without using a cup. Then Rodriguez makes following notes by whispering into tape recorder:
JR: He just went upstairs... I can hear him talking to his wife... She hasn't been downstairs yet... This guy is like human Velveeta cheese... I can't imagine the woman who would sleep with him... I'm going to push it a little, maybe ask about the cornhogs...]

LG: All righty. Did you have any other questions?
JR: Yeah, let’s get back to those signs around the corn fields.
LG: What would you like to know?
JR: I’m just wondering what the hell they are- they’re weird, you know? It’s just a field of corn and then you have these logos and long inscrutable numbers posted all around the perimeter like a warning or something- like a prison.
LG: A prison? I’m afraid I don’t follow.
JR: Maybe that’s an exaggerated metaphor. But this sense of containment, or quarantine you know? That what is within those signs is somehow dangerous or unnatural. It's just kind of apocalyptic... corn plants owned by corporations and planted by farmers who are basically just human functionaries for the propagation of genes trademarked by agribusiness conglomerates.
LG: We just use the signs to tell our neighbors what strain we’re growing.
JR: Sure. I’m not going to quibble on this point - but be honest, there's no romance left in farming if the pollen is considered a biohazard?
LG: Sorry?
JR: Do you find the romance of growing things, being close to the earth, et cetera- is that dampened by all these genetic trademarks and containment metaphors? Like we’re all living in some giant prison colony like- did you see that movie Alien 3?
LG: [cough or throat-clear sound]
JR: I may not have said that well, but you know what I’m getting at, right? Sigourney Weaver on that barren moon, that’s just a slave labor camp totally dystopic. [long silence]
LG: I’m not sure. Er, will you excuse me for another moment?
JR: Do what you gotta.
LG: Thank you.

[sound of someone leaving the room. Tape runs for two minutes and fifty two seconds, during which time there is an audible farting sound, urgent footsteps and a door slamming. Sound of someone returning to the kitchen.]

LG: Hello?
JR: [muffled] I’ll be right back - I’m just in the bathroom.
LG: [scarcely audible] Jesus H. Christ. [distant sound of toilet flushing twice and a door opening.]
JR: Okay. Sorry about that [sound of chair scooting across floor] let’s just go back to - [again shuffling of pages, begins to read] Did you know that caterpillars that were fed genetically modified corn plants died?
LG: Caterpillars?
JR: Yeah.
LG: Well, caterpillars are not desirable creatures from an agricultural perspective. They’re pests. So I suppose I would not-
JR: But they're still God's creatures.
LG: I would have to refer to Scripture on that point- [sound of foot steps]
JR: Hi.
[Woman’s voice]: Hello.
JR: My name’s Jerome. I just came by to ask your husband a few questions, farming stuff, I’m a friend of Billy Fish’s.
Woman: Pleasure to meet you. [clears throat] Lewis I think we, um, should be having lunch soon.
LG: [awkwardly] Oh, is it ready?
Woman: [awkwardly] Yes.
JR: Lunch in a farmhouse with no delicious smells in the kitchen? Now that’s dystopic [laughs at his own joke; this followed by long silence] Just kidding...
LG: Well, uh, thank you for coming by, young man [sound of chair being pushed out] Do say hello to Billy for me. [polite laugh]
Woman: Yes. [polite laugh]
JR: Pleasure meeting both of you Lewis-Mr. Green, there was some other stuff we didn’t get to. Maybe we could set aside an hour or so some day this week or next week? [long silence] I mean, we didn’t really get to much today.
LG: [cough]
JR: Would it be easier if I gave you a call on your cell?

[long silence]

Woman: We’re both very busy. Lewis especially.
JR: Right Oh my god, I’m sorry if
Woman: Oh, no. Well that’s fine. Drive safe.
JR: Thanks. So we, uh, can’t... Look, I've been having trouble getting anyone out here to speak about Project Genesis... you know, the hybrids.

[unnaturally long pause.]