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Americans Outraged Over Soaring Cost of Prostitutes
Economists and politicians concerned that hookers are being priced out of reach for most elected officials and working Americans.
New Yorkers were horrified this week to learn that along with record prices at the gas pump and the check-out line, the average cost for a few hours with a call girl jumped to almost $4,800 in the month of February. While Wall Street analysts nervously eye the hooker index to determine if the country is slipping into recession, the Federal Reserve has taken the unusual step of warning frustrated consumers about a possible peak hooker scenario, urging johns not to panic or engage in hoarding behavior which might fuel speculation and drive inflation. “If the dollar continues to sag against foreign currencies, we could experience a scenario where a no-frills truck-stop hand-job would run upwards of $1,000 by the November elections,” warned Fed Chair Ben Bernanke in an unusually direct address to the American people.
 The widening “Hooker Gap”
Not everyone claims to be surprised by the surge in cost. Various economic gurus have warned for years that politicians who shut down prostitution rings but pay top dollar for call girls might inadvertently be driving this type of inflation by eliminating competition, reducing supply and then bidding up cost. Many U.S. senators have privately admitted to being unable to meet basic debauchery needs on their paltry salaries which have not kept pace with inflation. This growing problem, termed the “hooker gap,” was highlighted in 2007 when Senator Larry Craig (R) Idaho, cried poverty after being caught trying to cop a discount glory hole in a bathroom stall.
Lawmakers in both the House and Senate are pushing for a targeted economic stimulus package to provide emergency liquidity to struggling elected officials mired in whoring debt. Under the proposed Senate version of this controversial plan, a U.S. governor, senator or congressman would be eligible for up to $10,000 in immediate relief, $20,000 if married filing jointly. The House version, which has not yet made it out of committee, is far more generous, allowing prostitution to be covered through the cafeteria health plan under mental health and/or physical therapy, and for associated costs such as interstate transportation, extra hotel rooms, mini bar expenses and paternity tests to be covered as eligible travel expenses. Rep. John Lincoln, freshman Congressman from Texas, was forced to file for bankruptcy in February after racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt on an escort service line of credit. “People are very cynical when they hear about politicians falling in love with prostitutes,” Lincoln explained, “What they don’t understand is the intimacy that exists, or how much our two professions have in common. The girls understand us in a way no one else can.” North Dakota’s senior Senator, Cliff DeFord, now 84, spoke wistfully to reporters on Wednesday about the glory days on Capital Hill in the 1990’s. “The last time I... the last time I checked, terms were $15/hour, cash on delivery, and that was for a professional with 35 years experience, not one of these rookies barely old enough to vote.” We will continue to monitor this situation closely for our readers. -bcp
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