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3rd Party Candidate Announces Late Bid For '04.
BATON ROUGE - The presidential race took a sharp turn yesterday when a virtual unknown from Louisiana
made clear his desire to be this nation's next leader.
Moo Doo, a 20 pound bag of composted cow manure, announced his surprise bid for the White House late
yesterday, sending stalwart GOP supporters into a frenzy as they scrambled to educate themselves about the
third party candidate and gauge the impact this Johnny-come-lately will have on the race. Most D.C. pundits
agreed that Doo had the potential to take much-needed votes away from embattled incumbent George W. Bush.
Relaxing Between Whistle Stops in Illinois.
Political analyst Geoffrey Cosmos with the conservative Brookings Institution, explained the ramifications:
"People aren't so much worried that Doo will win the election outright, but that he'll strip that critical five
or six percent of the votes away from Bush. We've also got the debates to worry about. Doo is strong on issues
like the Environment and Agriculture. He's from the South, and appeals to a lot of Middle America that doesn't
want a Washington insider."
Back on The Campaign Trail By 6 A.M.
"People aren't so much worried that Doo will win the election outright, but that he'll strip that critical five or six
percent of the votes away from Bush. We've also got the debates to worry about." -GEOFFREY COSMOS
Vice President Cheney was immediately dispatched to make the rounds of morning talk shows where he didn't
waste time in characterizing Doo as: "a lying sack of shit." Cheney asked viewers if they would
choose a candidate that's proven he knows how to run a country, or throw away their vote on a radical who is
weak on defense, morals, the economy and personal hygiene.
With Connie Haskins-Doo, His Wife of 17 years.
Some Democrats quietly agreed, and speculated that this was precisely why the Bush people feared Moo Doo
so much. "In many ways, Doo and Bush are similar," said Representative Marie DeMont (D-CA)
"They'll have to work overtime now to differentiate themselves for the voters."
In a terse written statement issued from campaign headquarters, Doo declared simply: "We will bury
you." He has yet to announce his vice-presidential running mate. -bcp
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