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Stargate Atlantis: No One Loves Kavanagh

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Title: Where Are You?  

Author/pseudonym: Tinnean  

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis  

Pairing: Kavanagh/Simon Wallis, Kavanagh/ OMC  (both implied)  

Rating: FRM

Disclaimer: Still not mine. They belong to Brad Wright and Robert Cooper. And Sci-Fi.  

Status: New/complete  

Date: 9-30-07  

Series/Sequel: This is 4 in the No One Loves Kavanagh series and follows A Million Galaxies Away.

Summary: Miles Kavanagh returns to Earth and takes that opportunity to search for the man who was his first lover.  

Warnings: Spoilers for The Intruder.  

Notes: Tony has assured me that in canon, Liz and Simon *aren't* married. However, in order for Kavanagh's hostility toward Liz to make sense, I've chosen this route for them. This is for The Second Chance Fic-athon, for Kavtolanon's 2nd anniversary. Thanks to eviljr and adminhewlett of the Kavtolanon community for answering my questions, and a big thank you to Gail, who does a fantastic beta no matter what the fandom.


Where are You

Part 1/1


"General Landry."  

The military commander of SG-1 barely spared me a glance before his gaze slid away. "I'm busy."  

"Please, sir. I have vital information on… "  

"What part of 'I'm busy' don't you understand," his eyes dropped to my breast pocket, where my name was embroidered, "Dr. Kavanagh?"  

"This is vital… "  

"I'm sure. See my yeoman and make an appointment."  

"But… " It was to no avail. I spoke to his departing back.  


I stiffened but didn't turn. "Dr. Boek."  

"I thought I was 'Jan.'" He stepped in front of me, and I had no choice but to face the man who had taken advantage of my urgent need to become part of the Atlantis expedition to exploit my body.  

"Did you want something?" I cringed, hoping against hope that he wouldn't exploit my unwitting double entendre, but it was too much to hope for.  

"You, Miles. I want you. How could you think differently, especially after the lovely time we spent together?"  

"I… "  

"I've missed you so much! When I saw your name on the Daedalus' passenger list, I canceled all my appointments. I wanted to be sure I was here to greet you as a returning hero should be greeted." He stepped closer, his breath warm upon my cheek, and he reached for my hand. "Come to my room. I have everything in readiness. Soft lights, soft music, a vintage wine… "  

I drew back, my hands behind my back, out of his reach. "I have to find my quarters and get settled in."  

"I can go with you… "  

"That won't be necessary. It's been a long journey, and I'm very tired. Good day, Dr. Boek." Would my rudeness be enough to rebuff him?  

"Yes, I understand. You'll want to have a nap, freshen up, as well." He stroked my upper arm. "I look forward to seeing you later, Miles. We can have dinner, and then… " He licked his lips as if already tasting me on them.  

How could Dr. Boek think I would want to resume the one-sided affair we'd once had? And yet, it was more than obvious, he did.  

"Wear you hair down, why don't you? It's scraped back so tightly; doesn't it give you a headache?" He touched my hair and smiled, his eyes suddenly soft. "It feels like silk. I can imagine it spilling over my skin."  

I felt my cheeks heat and hurried away, leaving him standing in the corridor.  


My quarters at Stargate Command were smaller than those that had been allotted to me in Atlantis and were sparsely furnished. The door did not slide open upon my touch, the lights did not brighten or dim, and the temperature of the water for my shower constantly needed adjusting. I'd reached adulthood without those amenities, had only had them for little more than a year, yet I found myself missing them.  

I missed the sub-aural hum of the city as machines went about their tasks of keeping her running.  

And I missed my friends, the Athosians.  

My home life had never been particularly warm, but there on Atlantis I'd found the brother I'd never had, a grandmother who doted on me, and a nephew who looked upon me and what I did with awe.  

The only person I wanted to see on Earth was Simon Wallis. It had been well over two years since the last time we'd been together, but he was my one true love, and I needed to be with him again. However, when I emailed him to let him know I was back on Earth, and to possibly arrange to meet him, the message bounced.  

I found the number for his office and called.  

"Dr. Wallis' service. How may I help you?"  

"This is Dr. Miles Kavanagh. I'd like to speak to Dr. Wallis, please?"  

"Are you a colleague?"  

"No, I'm a… a friend."  

"Well, Dr. Wallis has given up his practice here in… "  

"Excuse me?"  

"Yes. He's decided to concentrate on his research."  

"I… I see." But I didn't. Simon had enjoyed his research, but he'd loved treating patients. "Well, can you give me his address? Or his phone number?"  

"I'm afraid I can't give out that information."  

"All right. Let me give you my cell phone number." I recited it carefully, not wanting her to get a single digit wrong, and made her repeat it back to me. "Please see he gets it?"  

"Certainly. And your name again, please?"  

"Miles Kavanagh."  

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Dr. Kavanagh?"  

I sighed. "No, that's all."  

"Goodbye, then." And she hung up.  

Oh, Simon. Where are you?  


The days passed. In an effort to avoid Dr. Boek. I took to locking myself away in my quarters, and as a result, I spent even more time than usual on the computer.  

My notes were all updated, and the Project scientists who looked them over were most impressed, unlike some I could name in Atlantis.  

My reports on Elizabeth Weir's mishandling of the entire Atlantis fiasco had been emailed to General Landry and cc'd to everyone in the International Oversight Advisory who should be notified, and I waited to hear back from them.  

There was no call from Simon.  

By the time more than four weeks had passed, the sight of the four walls of my quarters began to make me stir crazy. I decided to put out feelers as to Simon's whereabouts. Sooner or later I had to find him!  

I began to daydream about our reunion. Perhaps we'd run into each other on the streets of Cheyenne  


"Miles!" he'd exclaim.  

"Yes, I'm Dr. Miles Kavanagh," I'd respond with feigned indifference. "Do I know you?"  

"I'm Simon!"  

"Simon?" I'd peer at him, as if I knew so many Simons I couldn't recall one in particular.  

"Simon Wallis! Surely you remember me! We were lovers!"  

"Were we?" I'd raise an eyebrow. "Ah, yes. And you left me without a goodbye."  

"I… I know I hurt you, Miles, and I can't tell you how sorry I am! I knew as soon as I left you that it was the mistake of my life! But I couldn't leave Elizabeth !"  

"Because you loved her so much," I'd say with a sneer. "You loved her so much that you took me to bed! I understand."  

"No! You don't understand, Miles. What we had, you and I, that was love. With Elizabeth … Well," he'd blush, "it was what was expected of me. I needed her, needed to appear straight in order to maintain my practice. Please say you understand that!"  

"Didn't I say I understood?" I'd glance at my watch. "I really must be going." And I'd wait expectantly to hear what he'd say next.  

"Miles, I love you! I've missed you every day that you've been away, and I've wished… oh, god, you can't know how I've wished! that I'd gone to the Pegasus Galaxy with you!"  

"No, it's just as well you didn't," I'd inform him casually…  


… but I wouldn't tell him it was because it was too dangerous there. I hoped to god he never got to learn first hand how very dangerous it was! Once back on Earth, I'd stopped wearing the pendant with its colorless, odorless, lethal contents, but I kept it on my dresser, a constant reminder of what we had faced on a daily basis.  


"Did you… did you find anyone there, Miles?" He'd take my words at face value.  

"No." I wouldn't allow the images of Peter Grodin or Sergeant Bates to encroach on this fantasy.  

He'd sigh in relief. "I've been faithful to you the entire time you've been away. Please tell me I haven't fucked… "  

I frowned. Even in a fantasy, Simon would never use such a coarse word.  

"Please tell me I haven't destroyed – " Yes, that was better. "Destroyed all my chances with you!"  

"Well… "  

"Please, baby!" He was the only one I ever permitted to call me that. I'd start to waver, and in spite of us being on a busy street in broad daylight, he'd take me in his arms and kiss me until I became lightheaded. "Tell me you forgive me!"  

Should I play harder to get? What was the point, when he loved me, and putting him off only made the both of us suffer?  

"Of course, I forgive you, Simon! In fact… " I'd take his hand and bring him back to Cheyenne Mountain , and we'd lock ourselves in my quarters, undress each other tenderly, and spend the rest of the day and the night and the next day and night loving each other into oblivion…  


I sighed happily, in spite of the semen that soaked my undershorts. And I knew that if I could find Simon once again, our reunion would turn out exactly that way.  


No one who responded to my emails seemed to know anything that was helpful beyond the fact that for some reason he'd given up his practice. "I think I heard he was teaching a course at Columbia University ."  Or Princeton . Or Brown.  

But each lead was an exercise in futility. He had just left for another seminar. He had never been there in the first place. It was a different man – how many Dr. Simon Wallises were there on Earth?  

Finally, in desperation, I approached Dr. Boek.  

"I understand you've had some contact with Simon Wallis. Jan." I forced my lips into a warm smile.  

"Have dinner with me, Miles. I know a very nice little restaurant in town. Cozy. Discreet lighting. And the food is excellent." He took my hand and stroked his fingertips across the back of it. "I'll… tell you everything you want to know about Simon Wallis."    

"Very well, if you'd like." I wanted nothing more than for the reluctance in my voice to make it clear that a meal was all we'd be having, but the nuance of my tone went completely over his head.  

"Excellent!" He beamed at me. "I'll pick you up about 8. Wear your hair down. We'll have a late supper, and then… "  

Once before I had whored myself in an effort to be near my lover. I heard myself say flirtatiously, "Perhaps."  

What difference would one more time make? I went to my quarters and threw up.  

Then I sat at my computer in a final bid to find my lover on my own.  

By 7:30 , I had to admit defeat. I shut down my notebook, took a shower, and splashed on some aftershave that was a pleasant reminder that I was on Earth once again. Zelenka, McKay's fair-haired scientist, had whipped up something for McKay. Oddly enough, I couldn't remember ever smelling it on the Chief Science Officer, although Major Sheppard seemed to wear it whenever his team had downtime in Atlantis.  

At 7:55 , there was a knock on my door. The man would have to be punctual.  

"Good evening, Dr. Boek."  

"You called me 'Jan' earlier today."  

"Good evening, Jan."  

"I like your hair down. It makes you look… younger. More at ease. Thank you for indulging me." His gaze dragged over me, as palpable as a touch. "You look good enough to eat!"  

The normally innocuous phrase caused me to shudder. Dr. Rolf Vorstedt, one of the biologists who'd come to Atlantis, had refused to accept that when I said no, I meant no. In an insane attempt to change my mind, and as a form of punishment as well, no doubt, he'd bit down on the side of my neck with enough pressure to break the skin and leave behind a perfect impression of his teeth. Shortly after I'd boarded the Daedalus, I'd developed an infection from the bite. By the time we reached Earth, the wound had healed, leaving a faint scar behind, but I was aware of it, and I was sure that if anyone looked, they would see it also.  

For this – I didn't want to call it a date, although I was sure that was how Dr. Boek viewed it – this dinner, I'd dressed in charcoal grey slacks, and a pale blue shirt with a collar high enough to conceal the scar, and a darker blue tie.  

"That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes."  

"Thank you." I gave him a weak smile. "You're a little early."  

"I was hoping to catch you in the nude." His smile didn't strike me as salacious, as I'd expected, but in fact as roguish.  

"I wanted to look my best." I was doing this to learn of Simon's whereabouts, I reminded myself firmly.  

"Wonderful! I hoped you'd eventually see the light!"  

"Shall we be going, Jan? We don't want to lose our reservations."  

"Of course not!"  

"And… there will be more time for… other things… later." I hated myself for saying that, but if it got me closer to my goal, then it was worth that twinge of unease.  


Dinner was a sumptuous meal, with courses that never seemed to end. It started with a shrimp cocktail. There were only three shrimp for each of us, but they were so large they were more than enough. A crab bisque soup was followed by a Caesar salad.  

"I must say I'm surprised such fresh seafood is available so far from the coast." I sipped at the Sancerre Jan had poured for me.  

"The chef had it flown in for me. He owed me a favor."  

"Oh? And what have you done for him that he owed you a favor? Have you been… " I bit my tongue. Had I actually been on the verge of asking if he'd been a naughty boy? I was doing this to find Simon, not to find a replacement for him, and especially not Jan Boek, of all men!  

He leaned back in his chair and smiled at me. Fortunately, the waiter brought out our entrees at that moment, broiled lobster with oyster stuffing. They were accompanied by roasted asparagus and twice baked potatoes.  

I took a another sip of my white wine. "You were going to tell me about Simon Wallis, Jan."  

"Was I?" He smiled wryly when I put my glass down with a snap, and held his hand up in a conciliatory gesture. "No need to get all riled up, Miles. I said I would, and I will. He's living in a very nice community about ten minutes outside of Seattle ."  

" Washington ?" I asked stupidly. For some reason, all my inquiries had been directed to the east coast. "Where? Do you know?"  

"Of course I know," he said, affronted. "I've made it my business to follow Simon Wallis' exploits!" I didn't ask myself why, just listened as he rattled off the address.  

Fortunately, I had a very good memory. I repeated it to myself, then smiled at him. "If you'll excuse me a moment?" I didn't wait for him to say anything, just rose and hurried to the men's room. I found an empty stall and locked myself in it, took out my BlackBerry, and did some rapid calculations.  

The earliest flight out of Cheyenne Regional was at 6:40 the next morning. Including the connection in Denver , it would take about four hours and twenty-five minutes. In less than twenty-four hours, I'd be in the same city as Simon!  

I used my BlackBerry to book my reservations and paid with the debit card which had access to all the pay that had accumulated while I was in Atlantis, then returned to the dining room and smiled at Dr. Boek.  

"Is everything all right, Miles?"  

"Everything is perfect!" I leaned down and brushed my lips across his, which parted in shock.    

He gave me a bemused glance. "I… I was afraid from the way you rushed off something might not have agreed with you. I should have asked whether you had an allergy to shellfish!" he castigated himself.  

"I would have told you, Jan." I took my seat. He really was a very nice man. He just wasn't the man for me. "Now. What are we having for dessert?"  


Dr. Boek walked me to my quarters. "May I… may I spend the night with you, Miles?"  

"You're asking me?"  

He flushed. "I'm… I know I made a mistake the last time. I should have tried to woo you. Instead, I put you in such a position… "  

"It did batter my self-esteem." I wasn't going to lie to him. "For the longest time I was sure everyone was talking about me because of what we did."  

"Jesus, you must have hated me, Miles."  

"You weren't my most favorite person."  

"I swear I never told anyone. Let me make it up to you? Please? I promise you won't regret it! I'll treat you so well! I'm not a poor man. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. A house in town, a ski chalet, a boat, a plane, horses… "  

"I… I don't know what to say. I had no idea you thought of me as anything beyond a convenient sex toy."  

"You couldn't see me for Simon Wallis. I reacted poorly, I admit that, and I can't apologize enough." His words reminded me of Rolf Vorstedt, and I shuddered.  

"I need some time to think it over, Jan."  

"Yes, of course. But give me this chance; things will be better this time!"  

I let him kiss me, but I knew there could never be anything between us. After a few moments, he drew back, breathing heavily. Odd. I'd found it pleasant, but nothing to get excited over.  

"I'd better go now, or I'll never go! You'll give me your answer in the morning?"  

I smiled but didn't commit myself one way or the other.  

Dr. Boek walked away, whistling, his step jaunty.  

He didn't realize. By the next morning, I would be gone to find my one true love.  


Once my flight landed in SeaTac, I paused just long enough to visit the men's room in the terminal to make sure I was presentable, then hailed a cab and gave the driver the address.  

I should have taken the time to eat some breakfast, I mused, as the driver took me closer and closer to where my lover waited.  

I was too happy and excited to have any appetite, though. There would be plenty of time to eat afterwards. After he'd kissed me. After we'd made love. After we'd planned out the rest of our lives.  

As the driver followed the curving roads, I gazed at the houses. They were very beautiful, and obviously very expensive. This was where Simon was living now? He had always preferred hotels, having everything no more than a phone call to Room Service away. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry.  

"Here we are. You want me to wait?"  

"That won't be necessary." Where Simon lived didn't matter. What was important was that we were together at last. I handed the driver the fare and a healthy tip – after all, his cab was the white charger that had brought me to my lover – smiled, and got out. More than two years of waiting and yearning and loneliness were about to come to an end.  

Simon's house, like the others, was large, with numerous windows that reflected the midmorning sun, a flagstone pathway to the front door, and lush shrubs surrounding the vast yard.  

At the end of that pathway, I would find my lover.  

Swallowing again, I walked up the path and pressed the doorbell. From somewhere in the back of the house I could hear a dog barking. I smoothed a hand over my hair, making sure it was tucked neatly in its tie.  

The door opened. "Yes?"  

"Simon." I was unable to take my eyes off the man who stood in the doorway. It had been such a long time. Such a very long time. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and cover his face with kisses.

"Yes. Who… Miles?" Simon turned pale. "I wasn't expecting... Weren't you off-world?"

"Yes." I'd been willing to go to the Pegasus Galaxy, willing to leave family, friends, and the planet of my birth in order to be with the man who'd been my first lover. Only he'd elected to remain behind on Earth.

"Well, it's... It's good to see you again." He didn't sound very certain of that.  

"I've missed you, Simon. I had to come back." No need to tell him just yet what a witch his wife had been, how she'd jeopardized the lives of everyone on Atlantis time and again until I'd had no recourse but to return to Earth. However, if that gave us a second chance to be together, than all that had gone before would have been well worth it. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" I let my eyes chronicle his beloved face, noting each change. I raised a hand to touch the unfamiliar grey hairs at his temple, but he backed away, and I dropped my hand. "Simon?"

"Miles." He offered a weak smile. I didn't remember the lines around his mouth. "I really can't... This isn't a good time… "

"Who is it, Simie whymie?" a voice called from another part of the house, young and very female.

"It's... uh...  It's just a former student of my mine."  

I shivered, abruptly cold. 'Just a former student?' Was that how Simon thought of me?  

"Please, Miles," he whispered urgently. "Please don't say anything about… about us. My… my standing in the medical community… It won't withstand another scandal!"  

Another scandal? What was he talking about? What had been going on in the time I was away? And how could he let anyone address him as 'Simie whymie'?

"Well, invite him in, honey bunny." She walked up to us, although waddled would have been a more accurate word. She was as young as her voice indicated, possibly no more than nineteen or twenty, and very blonde, very vapid-looking, and very, very pregnant. "I'm Debbie Buckston." She held out her hand. "Simon's girlfriend. But we're getting married as soon as his divorce becomes final."

"You are?" I felt light-headed.

Debbie looped her arm through Simon's and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Yeppers. What's your name?"

"Miles Kavanagh. I... I was in the neighborhood… " It had only taken me two jets and a taxi to get here. "… and thought I would look up Simon… " He sent me a beseeching glance. "… that is to say, Dr. Wallis to say hello." I took a deep breath. "Hello, Dr. Wallis."  

"That's so sweet of you! My Simie has that effect on people, you know! People drop in from nowhere to see him."  

I stared at her in shock, but she wasn't being snide. The girl was serious!  

"Everybody loves him. Well, that's how I got in this condition." She giggled and patted her protruding abdomen. "Well, maybe not Daddy, but that's just because he still thinks I'm his little girl, the silly. I'm Simie's now."  

"Er… yes." Simon looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Aren't you getting a little chilled, precious? We wouldn't want you getting a head cold, now would we?"  

"You're always looking out for me." She gave him an adoring glance, then turned to me. "Would you like to come in and have a drink, Mr. Kavanagh?"  

"Dr. Kavanagh," I corrected sharply.  

"Sorry." She blushed.  

"Now, baby doll, perhaps Miles has somewhere he needs to be. And you know you're not supposed to have alcohol."  

"I know that, silly, but Dr. Kavanagh can!" She squeezed his arm and giggled again. "Isn't it super how he looks after me?"  

"Yes," I agreed, my voice sounding hollow in my ears. "Super. I… er… That's very kind of you, but it's later than I'd realized, and Dr. Wallis is right; I do have somewhere I need to be," I lied. "I didn't mean to barge in on your… " love nest. "…. Er… Congratulations on becoming a father. At your age." I couldn't resist the snarky remark. Working with Dr. McKay must have rubbed off on me more than I'd realized.  

"I'll just say goodbye to Dr. Kavanagh. Why don't you go in and put your feet up, precious?"  

"That's a good idea. The doctor told me my ankles'll get all fat and swollen otherwise. Boy, will I be glad when this baby decides to get born! If I hadn't seen the ultrasound of his little willie, I'd still know he was gonna be a boy. He kicks like Warren Beatty."  

Simon's eyes took on a glazed look. "Warren Beatty is an actor, Deb."  

"I know that, but he played a quarterback with a wicked kick!"  

"In 'Heaven Can Wait.'"  

"Yeah! You know movies, Dr. Kavanagh? That's so cool!" A golden retriever wandered out to join us. He blinked large brown eyes at me, then nudged Debbie's hand until she ruffled his ears. "This is Fur Face."  


Her eyes lit up, and I realized she wasn't vapid, she was just tired. "Yes! That's my favorite of all Dean Koontz's books. Although the movies really sucked, I thought."  

"I have to agree with you." I smiled at her more warmly.  

"Ow." She blew out a breath and rubbed her abdomen. "Boy, he's kicking up a storm today! I'd better go sit down. It was nice meeting you." She stretched up and kissed my cheek. "Bye bye."  

I waited until she left, staring stonily at my one-time lover. "Since when did I become 'Dr. Kavanagh' to you, Simon?"

"Miles, things change. Nothing stays the same... " Had Simon always been this trite?  

"I haven't. I've loved you, and nothing changed that. Why couldn't you have waited for me? Why couldn't you have come with me?"  

"My work is here. Everything I love is here. I couldn't leave Earth. You have to understand… "  

"Understand what? That you couldn't keep it in your pants and got a girl young enough to be your daughter pregnant?"  

He flinched but attempted to defend himself. "You're being melodramatic. I'm nowhere near Dean Buckston's age!"  

"You screwed with a dean's daughter? Good god, Simon, were you out of your mind?"  

"You don't understand," he insisted stubbornly. "She was so young and pretty and smelled so good, and she threw herself at me! I couldn't resist… "

"No, I guess you couldn't." Had he always been like this? Had I been so blinded by love that I hadn't seen? "Is your wife aware?"  

He looked away. "She was here about a month ago. She thought I'd drop everything and go to the tail end of some godforsaken galaxy, leave everything I have here on Earth, just because she loves me."  

It was my turn to flinch. I'd expected the same of him, and for much the same reason. "I guess there's nothing left to say."  

"She should have stayed here on Earth. Things would have been fine if she'd just stayed home and… "  

And what? Had his babies? Tended to his house? Played the little woman? He didn't conclude that thought. As little as I liked Elizabeth Weir, I knew enough about her to know that a life like that would have destroyed her as a person. Why didn't Simon, who had loved her enough to marry her, know that?  

"What will you do, Miles?"  

"That's really none of your concern, is it, Simon? Dear god, how could I have been so wrong about you?" Why the fuck couldn't Elizabeth have left him alone, so that when I found him, there would have been nothing to come between us?

"Miles, please!"

But I had already turned on my heel and was walking away from the man I'd loved... who I'd thought loved me...  


My heart gave a leap.  

"It's too far for you to walk. I'll give you a lift. Just let me tell Debbie."  

So much for a dramatic exit.  


The drive to the airport was passed in silence on my part, inanities on Simon's. I waited for him to say something about my hair. After all, he was the first one to tell me I should always wear it loose. However, I waited in vain.  

"I'm kind of looking forward to being a dad. I never saw myself in that position, but hey, it's a new experience. And I'll be working out of Harborview Medical. It's a… a good deal."  

"Is that where you'll be doing your research?"  

"Uh… yes. That's right." He kept his eyes on the road. "What about you, baby?"  

"I don't think you should call me that any more."  

"Yes. You're right, that slipped out." He reached for my hand to squeeze it, then turned into the entrance to the airport and followed the signs to Departures. "But you can see why I did what I did, can't you? Don't be angry with me."  

"It has nothing to do with being angry with you, Simon. You're about to become a father. Your child's mother is young enough to be your… "  

"Hey! I told you I'm much younger than Dean Buckston! Much!" The car came to a jerky stop in front of the Delta terminal.  

"Perhaps, but by the time your child has graduated from high school, you'll be collecting Social Security."  

"I will not! I'll only be… " He bit off his words and glared at me. "This isn't like you, Miles."  

"How would you know what I'm really like?" God, I felt such a fool! "We knew each other for a few brief days… What are you doing?"  

He reached over and hooked a finger in my collar, dragging it down. "Oh, my god! What happened to your neck?"  


"Liz said something about those… those things, wraiths, I think she called them. Did one of them do that to you?"  

"The Wraith don't feed on blood, Simon."  

"Then who…?"  

"It's not important."  

"It was another man, wasn't it? Another lover. Oh, you're a fine one to talk, Dr. Kavanagh. Vowing you'd love me forever, then taking up with the first man who shows the least bit of interest in you. And then you have the nerve to try to make me feel guilty because I want to try for a normal lifestyle… "  

"Fuck you, Simon." I'd closed myself off from all possibilities of love in an attempt to remain true to him, and for what? I let myself out of the car, slammed the door, and stalked away, refusing to look back.  

And still, deep inside, I hoped he would come after me.  

He didn't, of course. The sound of the engine roaring as he gunned it to life was cut off as the door shut behind me, and I knew that he was out of my life, totally and irrevocably.   


I returned to Stargate Command, and when I wasn't buried in my work, I was closed off in my quarters. I came out only for meals, and only during the hours when I knew it was unlikely for anyone to be in the dining hall.  

It was too reminiscent of the time in Atlantis, first when we'd arrived, and again when I'd realized that Grodin had only wooed me on a dare.  

I mourned the loss of my love, the death of my dream, the likelihood that everyone in Cheyenne Mountain was laughing at me. What a fool, what a pitiful, stupid, foolish fool I'd proved to be!  


The knocking on my door became irritated rapping. "Dr. Kavanagh, we know you're in there!"  

My concentration broken, I pushed back from my notebook, stalked to the door, and yanked it open. Standing there was a woman with an Asian cast to her features, and a man with thick, gray hair.  

"Yes, yes, what is it?" I growled. I'd been on the verge of discovering a way to replenish a ZedPM using sea water, which was plentiful on Atlantis, but the interruption had driven the formula from my mind.  

The man sniffed. "This is Ambassador Shen. I'm Chapman." Two of the people I'd sent reports concerning Elizabeth Weir. He didn't have to tell me, "We represent the IOA."  

"What do you want?"  

"Invite us in, Dr. Kavanagh," Ambassador Shen murmured. "This is not something we wish Stargate Command to be privy to."  

"Very well. Come in." I stepped back to allow them room to enter, then closed the door. In spite of myself, I was intrigued. While I didn't know much of the workings between Stargate Command and the IOA, when I thought of it at all, I'd thought they were at least cordial.  

Ambassador Shen and Mr. Chapman looked around, apparently surprised at the condition of my quarters, although I couldn't understand why. I'd always been tidy. Why should the fact that the very fabric of my life had been torn asunder have any effect on that?  

"Would you care to have a seat?" They sat, side by side, on the loveseat, which, aside from my desk and chair, was the only piece of furniture that would fit in the small space that comprised my living area. "I'm afraid I don't have any refreshments to offer you."  

"That is unimportant. This isn't a social call."  

I nodded and sat across from them. "Then to what do I owe the honor of this visit?"  

They glanced at each other, and then the Ambassador spoke. "We've read your report of the occurrences in the Pegasus Galaxy. Let me be frank with you. Elizabeth Weir was not the Advisory's first choice for civilian commander of Atlantis. However, at the time she had very strong supporters in both the president of the United States and in the Command here in Cheyenne Mountain ."  

Mr. Chapman scowled. "She still has them," he sneered in a clipped British accent.  

"Beyond the fact that she wasn't your choice, you're not telling me anything I didn't know."  

"Your report has made it clear that our instincts were correct. She must be removed from that position."    

I remained silent, waiting to hear what else Madam Ambassador might have to say.  

"We understand you have your… issues… with Dr. Weir." A subtle way of saying they knew I'd been head over heels in love with her husband? "You see her as she is, not as everyone idealizes her to be. Therefore, we think you'd be the ideal candidate to gather the information we need to see her removal."  

"So what you're saying is – "  

"We'd like you to return to Atlantis."  

She continued speaking, but all I heard was 'return to Atlantis.' Away from Cheyenne Mountain . Away from the mocking glances of everyone here. Away from memories of my failed relationship with Simon Wallis, which I now realized had been hopeless from the beginning.  

Return to a galaxy where unspeakable death could very well lie in wait at the end of the day, but also where there were people who cared for me more even than my own family.  

As for love, I'd been burned too badly by my feelings for Simon Wallis. I was through with it.  

I interrupted her without apology. "What do you want me to do?"



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