Title: Glad to Be Unhappy
Author/pseudonym: Tinnean
Fandom: The Sentinel
Pairing: Blair Sandburg/Jim Ellison
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They still belong to Petfly. How unjust
is that?
Status: new/complete
Date: 2/02
Series/Sequel: no
Summary: Blair decides unrequited love isn’t any
fun, especially around Valentine’s Day
Warnings: m/m, language, AU since I firmly believe
The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg never happened.
Notes: The songs mentioned here are
Glad to be Unhappy, and When I Fall in Love, the first line of which is: When I
fall in love, it will be forever. And just so you know, the last line of Glad to be
Unhappy is: I’m so unhappy, but oh, so glad! This first appeared in the
e-zine The Many Valentine Tales of the Sentinel. Thanks to Silk and Gail whose
invaluable assistance helped me to finish this in record time.
Glad to Be Unhappy
Part 1/1
Naomi, my mom, really loved the Mamas and Papas. She had
all their albums on vinyl, and I got to like them a lot myself. Although I had
to wonder about Cass and Michie. “Fools rush in, so here I am, awfully glad to
be unhappy…”
I mean, come on, being glad you’re in love when it’s
unrequited?
None of this ‘it’s a pleasure to be sad’ shit for me!
That wasn’t for Ms. Sandburg’s little boy, Blair, no way, no how! When I
fell in love, it was going to be with someone who loved me right back. He was
going to be the most gorgeous person in the world, and it was going to be for
the rest of my life!
Famous last words.
****
I was working on my dissertation on sentinels when I met
James Joseph Ellison in a hospital emergency room. He tossed me against a wall
and called me a neo-hippy witch-doctor punk. I really didn’t make a good
impression.
But he kept my card, and he came looking for me.
I was vetted to ride along with him, to observe, and right
after that my apartment was burned to the ground.
Oh, now wait a minute! I had nothing to do with that! What,
do you think I was freaking nuts? I didn’t need a subject for my diss that
bad, man!
So anyway, Jim let me move in with him, and things were
cool between us. Not cool, chilly, but cool okay.
He had a shit load of rules I had to follow, but hey, I’m
an easy-going kinda guy. I picked up my damp towels (when I remembered), made
the futon that was my bed (when I remembered), bought the groceries, and I made
it a point to remember that, otherwise we would have subsisted on egg foo yong
and Wonderburgers.
The most important thing was we made sure we didn’t
encroach on each other’s personal space.
He saw women. I saw…people.
Yeah, I swung both ways. Being the child of the
quintessential flower child, I never saw the need to restrict my experiences,
but I made sure I was discreet. Maybe I was too discreet.
Jim had no idea. It might not have mattered, but after
three years, I found myself in a bind: all of a sudden, out of a clear blue sky,
he did something, said something, I’m not even sure what, and wham, it
happened: I realized I was ass over teakettle in love with him, and had been for
a very long time.
So, there I was, in love forever (I really needed to stop
listening to Naomi’s music) with someone I considered the most
gorgeous-looking person in the world. Who had no idea how I felt about him.
Well, I suppose two out of three ain’t bad.
****
I like holidays. Doesn’t matter who celebrates them, if
they rate a date on someone’s calendar, I’ll honor them.
On March 17th I’d show up at Major Crimes
dressed in green, the perfect leprechaun. I was Uncle Sam on Independence Day,
complete with the long white beard, which I recycled at Christmas for Santa, and
again on New Year’s Eve as the Old Year.
But the big problem this year was going to be February
14th. “How are you going to get into the spirit of Valentine’s Day when your
heart is a bloody mess?” I demanded of my reflection in the mirror as I
shaved.
I was still worrying the problem when I got to Major
Crimes. Maybe I could convince Captain Banks I had classes that day. Yeah, that
might do the trick.
I tapped on the frame outside his office and waited until
he looked up.
“Yes, Sandburg?”
“Um, I just wanted to let you know I won’t be available
for a ride along next Thursday, Captain.”
“Whoa! Just one minute, Blair!”
He doesn’t usually call me by my first name. I could feel
the color drain from my cheeks. “Is Jim okay?” He nodded, and I began
wracking my brain, trying to recall what egregious goof I could have committed.
No, if I had pulled a boner, he would be calling me something much worse than my
first name. “My paperwork is all caught up.” He nodded again. “Then
what…”
“You said you can’t come in next Thursday?” This time I nodded. One of us was going to get serious whiplash. “I’m sorry, Blair, I’m afraid that’s impossible. You have to come in.”
Damn! I was almost out, and he pulled me back in. I cleared
my throat. “Why is that a problem, Captain?”
“Um…” I would have sworn his eyes looked panicked,
but I must have been mistaken. I felt a hand on my arm and turned to find Megan
Conner, who was here from Australia on a loan out. “Detective Conner, if you
could explain to Blair…?”
“We’re planning a party for Jim.” She glanced over
her shoulder to make sure Jim was out of earshot. I could have told her he could
be down the street and three blocks over and he’d still be in earshot,
but I shrugged instead.
“Why? It isn’t his birthday.”
Now it was Megan’s turn to hem and haw. “Er…um…”
Simon jumped in. “It’s his anniversary with Major Crimes. His fifth anniversary. We only celebrate the big ones, you know.”
“Really?” I could feel my eyes widen. I had no idea the
Cascade PD treated its employees so well. Naomi would be impressed. I sure as
hell was!
“Yes. And, er… since we don’t want Jim to find out
this party will be in his honor, we need you to come in dressed as you usually
do for a holiday. So he won’t get suspicious, or anything.”
“Huh?” Why did I suddenly feel as if I had tumbled down
the rabbit hole?
“We really
liked the groundhog costume you wore the other day, but…”
“Um, I hate to break this to you two, but I don’t
celebrate Valentine’s Day.”
“Ever?” The shock was so palpable you could have
sliced it up and served it on a platter with those little cucumber sandwiches.
“Well, not in recent years,” I hedged. I had already
given my heart away; giving a paper one seemed superfluous.
“It seems to me I remember someone who looked remarkably
like you showing up last February 14th dressed as a cuddly teddy
bear, with a big red bow around your neck.”
My resolve was going down the tubes. “I wasn’t even
going to come in to work next Thursday. I have some classes scheduled.”
“Cancel them.” The cigar was clamped almost painfully
between Simon’s teeth. “You’re needed here!”
“But…” I wilted under his glare and surrendered. It
had been worth a try.
“And I want you to wear appropriate attire.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered glumly. “I got it. You want
me to show up in something suitably Valentine’s Day-ie. I got it. Is that all,
Captain?” I turned to leave, and only just caught the glances they gave each
other, but I was too worried about picking out something that wouldn’t reveal
my feelings to all and sundry to pay them much heed.
I needed to go someplace where I could be alone.
I went down to the morgue.
****
I found the room where the ME sat with the families of the
dearly departed who met less than natural ends before having them identify the
remains, and I sat down on the ratty couch. I did not want to be
disturbed, and this seemed like the best place. There were no bodies in the
icebox today.
I looked at the pad I had brought with me and chewed on the
end of my Bic pen. The first thing to do was make a list of all the things one
thought of when one heard the words ‘Valentine’s Day.’
My list covered the whole first page, and I was just
starting on the second page, when I heard the door to the examining room open,
and Henri Brown and Brian Rafe sauntered in.
It seemed I was wrong about someone being on ice. They were
waiting for the Medical Examiner. I ducked down and hoped they wouldn’t need
to use this room.
The intercomm between the rooms had been left on, and I was
able to listen in on their conversation, which was not always the most edifying.
I tried to concentrate on my list again. Until I heard Henri say, “So, what do
you think Hair Boy’s going to wear, Brian?”
My head shot up. I was surprised they were discussing my
clothes. I always wore the same thing, layers of flannel and jeans.
“I’ve got my money down on the wings and bow and
arrows. That’s what the odds are favoring. How about you, H?”
“I like the idea of him showing up in a big red heart.”
“And nothing else?” Rafe snickered, and I felt my face
heat up. “You think Ellison would let him out of the apartment like that?”
Son of a bitch! It didn’t bother me that they had a
betting pool going, but that crack about Jim keeping me in the loft in nothing
but a red heart? I wished! The image zinged right to my cock. I gave my
jeans a brisk adjustment.
And I wondered if they really thought there was anything
going on between Jim and me.
Brown’s response to Rafe was interrupted by the ME
joining them and rolling out a drawer. “Yeah, that’s the fucking pusher. He
got what he deserved. Too many good kids died because of this bastard!”
“Well, someone certainly made sure he saw the error of
his ways,” Rafe agreed.
“Blew the top of his head off, then sent his car into the
harbor,” Dan Wolf informed them. “He was fished out about half an hour ago.
I’d say he was feeding the fishes for about forty-eight hours, though. You
guys have a pool for Sandburg’s costume for Valentine’s Day?”
“Yep.”
“Well, put me down for five on the Cupid get-up.”
“You’re cutting down the odds, man,” Rafe groused
good-naturedly.
“What can I tell you? I like the kid’s butt.” I could
hear the smile in the ME’s voice.
“Just don’t let Ellison catch you looking. I thought he
was going to tear my head off, the last time I copped a glance.”
Whoa, Jim didn’t want anyone looking at my ass? How had I
missed that? Or was it possible they knew I was in this room and were just
yanking my chain? I went from euphoric to depressed in nothing flat.
“Are we
letting Jim in on the pool this time?” Henri asked.
“Nah, not after the last time! He had the inside track on
what the kid was wearing, and we all took a bath on that. Who’da thought
Sandburg would dress up as a menorah for Chanukah?”
“Well, Ellison knew!”
Wait a second! That had been Jim’s idea! I intended to
put together some oak tag and show up at work as a dreidl, but my roommate had
suggested that a menorah would be cute! He was making money on me?
Before I could start feeling sorry for myself, Rafe
continued. “Yeah, and he donated the entire pot to his favorite charity. Candy
ass!”
Aww. That was so sweet! I sighed.
Their voices grew muted and then faded away completely as
they entered the corridor and walked away.
I turned back to my list, chewing harder on the back of the
pen. A sudden idea hit me, and I sucked in my breath. To get a mouthful of ink,
as well. I sputtered and gagged and bolted for the restroom. Fortunately, it was
empty.
I leaned toward the mirror. My lips were stained blue, and
when I stuck out my tongue to examine it, it had the look of underdone steak. I
scooped up a handful of water and rinsed out my mouth, then dampened a paper
towel and scrubbed at my lips.
When I finally looked halfway normal, I took the elevator
up to seven. Jim was just coming from the Control Room. He stopped short at the
sight of me, and a little smile kicked up the corner of his mouth. I licked my
lips, and that smile grew.
He gestured for me to precede him, and he followed as I
entered the bullpen. It got suddenly silent as every pair of eyes fastened on
us.
Offering them a sickly smile, I asked Jim out of the corner
of my mouth, “Why are we being stared at?”
He turned me until I had to look directly at him. “Well,
Chief, probably because it looks like you’ve had the stuffing kissed out of
you!”
“What?”
“And since I came in right behind you, guess who’s the
most likely candidate for having done the kissing?”
I swallowed hard. “You?” The word was just a movement
of my lips.
“Me, Chief,” he agreed, and went to his desk. He
didn’t look pissed, though.
“Um, could I have your attention, please?” I didn’t
even have to wait for them to look in my direction again: they had never taken
their eyes off me. I took a deep breath. “Okay. Jim did not just kiss
me, okay?” Jim groaned and buried his head in his hands, but I was determined
to soldier on. “I got ink on my mouth and rubbed it off. That’s why I
look like I’ve…er… been kissed.” I slunk to my desk and tried to pretend
I was invisible.
“Nice going, Darwin. I’m sure that’s convinced
everyone that I didn’t kiss you stupid.”
“I think there’s still ink in my mouth, Jim. Do you
want me to stick my tongue out at them?”
“Forget about it, Chief. They’d just want to see if my
tongue was blue also.”
“But it wouldn’t be!”
He murmured something, and I stared at him in shock. He
could not have just said what I thought he said, could he? He could not
have said, “But it would be nice if it was!”
****
Over the next few days, they all tried to find out what I
had selected to wear for Jim’s ‘party’, and even though Jim was out of the
betting pool, that didn’t stop the dicks…excuse me, detectives, he
worked with from trying to weasel the information out of him.
Someone even went so far as have a box of Godiva chocolates
delivered to him at Major Crimes. No one would admit to it, but the general
consensus was that it was Simon. Godivas are really expensive, and as captain,
he was pulling down the big bucks.
I watched from the door as Jim graciously shared his booty.
He claimed he was as much in the dark as they were about who sent them. No one
believed him, of course. I smiled and left. Rainier was calling me.
I was stuck in my office all afternoon correcting blue books, and didn’t get home until sometime after dinner. The box on the island caught my eyes. “Who’re the chocolates from, big guy?” I asked casually.
“Secret admirer, I guess.”
“No card?” I could feel myself getting a little tense.
“Nope.”
“Any idea who sent it?”
Jim shrugged and made a production of selecting one that
was shaped like a seashell.
“Not one?”
“What’s the big interest in my love life, Sandburg?”
Jim asked mildly.
I shrugged and slung my jacket on the coat rack. “It
just-- sort of --seemed to me that if someone went to all the trouble of sending
you an expensive box of candy, you’d be interested in knowing who it came
from, is all.” As I went to the fridge to take out the container of orange
juice I studiously avoided Jim’s gaze.
“Nah. I don’t believe in looking a gift horse in the
mouth, Chief.”
How could he not know they were from me? I made sure I had
touched the box. Touched it, hell! I had all but made love to it! My scent had
to be all over the goddamned thing!
I deliberately ignored one of his cardinal rules and tipped
the carton to my lips, downing a big gulp, but managing to keep him in my line
of vision the whole time.
He took a plump, heart-shaped piece of dark chocolate and
placed it in his mouth. His eyes slid closed, and he savored it.
The carton suspended in mid-air, I closed my eyes also,
imagining my tongue in his mouth, the bittersweetness of the chocolate exploding
on my taste buds.
“Mmm! Want a piece, Chief?”
My eyes shot open, and I choked. “A piece?” I squeaked
when I had finally stopped coughing.
“Of chocolate, Chief.” Jim nudged the box towards me,
and he watched beneath his lashes as I licked my lips nervously. My jeans had
grown constrictive, and I tried to shift unobtrusively.
I glanced away from my roommate and muttered, “This
unrequited love shit is the pits!” Forgetting that most likely Jim would be
able to hear me.
Or maybe I hadn’t really forgotten. Maybe I had just come
to the conclusion that Cass and Michie were wrong. Even for someone I adored, it
was not a pleasure to be sad.
“Chief.”
I was terrified. I wished I could take my words back, but
it was too late for that now. “I’m sorry, I…” Unable to stop myself, I
turned back to him, ready to beg him to pretend he’d never heard what I’d
said.
And I found Jim watching me, a soft expression in his ice
blue eyes. He reached out and took the orange juice container from my grip,
putting it next to the chocolates. Then he wrapped his fingers in the flannel of
my shirt and pulled me up on my toes. “It’s about fucking time, Chief!”
James Joseph Ellison, macho man supreme, covered my mouth
with those chiseled lips of his, and I was lost. With a whimper, I opened my
mouth and let his tongue in to explore.
//He’s not used to kissing guys,// I warned myself.
//Take it easy. Don’t scare him. Don’t start sucking on his tongue like
it’s your last hope of heaven!//
I really did try. I just didn’t succeed.
I didn’t think zoning was a Guide problem, but obviously
Incacha didn’t tell me everything I needed to know about being Shaman, because
suddenly I found myself naked in Jim’s bed.
“I want this, Chief,” he was murmuring as his lips
mapped the distance from one nipple to the other. “I want you!” His tongue
curled in my nipple ring and tugged, and I arched off the bed in shock. Where
had he learned to do that?
My Sentinel wanted me? Now I wasn’t about to look
a gift horse in the mouth. I’d dreamed of this, fantasized of this, if I had
the talent for it, I’d have written odes to the perfection that was his ass!
“How, Jim?” I reversed our positions and scattered kisses over every bit of
flesh that was within reach.
“I’ve been preparing myself, stretching and
loosening.” He handed me a rather squashed tube of lubricant, and my mouth
went dry.
“You don’t have to do this, Jim!” Meanwhile, my cock
was saying, ‘Are you fucking nuts? Yes, he does!’ “There are other
ways…”
“No! This way!” He lay on his back, never taking his
eyes from mine, and bent his knees. His cock was fully aroused, and I had to
believe he did want this; it wouldn’t lie.
“Okay, man, we’ll take our time, and I swear I’ll
make this good for you! Roll over, Jim.”
“This way!” he repeated fiercely. “I want to see your
face when you take me the first time. I want to be watching your eyes when you
come!”
“Shit, man, this is gonna be way uncomfortable for
a first time!” And I never questioned that it would be his first time.
“No, it isn’t, babe. You’ll make it great for me!”
After a vote of confidence like that, how could I do
otherwise? I took a deep breath to center myself, then covered my fingers with
the lube. “Lift up a little, big guy.” I parted his buttocks and rubbed my
fingers over him gently. My cock quivered when I saw his puckered opening, and I
pressed against it until my finger was in him to the second joint.
I closed my eyes and licked my lips. Hot. Tight. Like being
enclosed in satin. I got another finger into him and flexed them both until I
found the response I was looking for. Jim jerked and moaned, and thrust back
onto me.
“Are…are you planning on torturing me to death,
babe?” he gasped. He tossed a condom at me, and I caught it single-handed. I
tore the packet open with my teeth and slid it on. Good thing I had experience
rolling it on with only one hand, because I sure as hell had no intention of
taking my fingers out of his passage until I absolutely had to!
“Okay, big guy. This is it. We’re going for the gold.
Just remember to breathe!” I had my cock in position and began the steady
inward motion that would seat me in his ass. His eyes were hot, and I thought I
would drown in them. I watched him carefully, looking for any sign of pain or
discomfort.
I was panting with the effort to take it slow, and I
thought the top of my head would explode.
“Move, goddammit!” His knees came up to clasp my
hips, changing the angle of entry, and I slid in deep enough to hit his
prostate. “Yesss!”
I undulated my hips, riding him harder than I intended, but
I couldn’t stop, couldn’t slow down. His cock was trapped between us, and
the hairs on my groin tickled the sensitive head. Beads of precome dripped onto
my belly, and his inner muscles rippled rhythmically, milking me.
The tingling started at the base of my spine. My balls
tightened and drew up, and my head dropped. I wrapped my fingers around my
lover’s shaft, pumping once, twice, and then we were both coming. He tipped my
chin up and watched as I came apart in his arms.
I collapsed onto his chest, and Jim sighed and tightened
his hold on me. “Have I died and gone to heaven?” I whispered drowsily.
“If you did, Chief, you took me with you!”
****
On Valentine’s Day we walked into Major Crimes. We came
to an abrupt halt to find four pairs of eyes on us. Even Simon had emerged from
his office to see what I was wearing for Jim’s so-called party.
Yeah, I knew there was no party. The night before, in bed,
under a little judicious questioning on my part, Jim told me that: A. Cascade PD
does not celebrate individual anniversaries, and B. if they did, his wasn’t
until later in the year.
I gave them an innocent smile. “What? What’s wrong?”
There was a concerted growl, and everyone returned to their
desks, extremely disgruntled because I wasn’t wearing what any of them had bet
on. No wings, no big red heart, no lacey doilies covering strategic parts of my
body.
“Well, hell, Sandburg! The least you could have done was
wear a couple of love birds on your shoulders.”
“Excuse me?” I asked politely.
“It’s February 14th, Chief,” Jim remarked
blandly. “These clowns were kind of expecting you to play dress-up.”
“I dressed up,” I said, pointing up.
“What the fuck is that, Hair Boy?” Henri snarled,
glaring at the red foil, turban-like thing perched on my head. From the pointed
tip, a white crepe paper streamer hung down past my ear.
Jim slid his arm around my shoulder and drew me close to
him.
“What, are you guys dumb or something? It’s a kiss!” The look in his eyes as he gazed down into mine took my breath away. If we hadn’t been in the middle of the bullpen, I would have thrown him to the floor and had my wicked way with him. “He’s a Hershey’s kiss!”
I did have it pretty bad, I thought to myself as I
leaned against him, enveloped by his love.
And I was oh, so glad!
~End~
