Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were
approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,"
Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are?
Very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing." ------------------------ You Live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature," 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. --------------------- CHICAGO TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART 60 degrees above zero: Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. Chicago people sunbathe. 50 degrees above zero: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens. 40 degrees above zero: Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down. 32 degrees above zero: Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker. 20 degrees above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 degrees above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt. 0 (zero) Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole. 20 degrees below zero: People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats! 40 degrees below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 degrees below zero: Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 degrees below zero: Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Chicago people rent some videos. 100 degrees below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 297 degrees below zero: Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 degrees below zero: ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 degrees below zero: Hell freezes over. The Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl. ----------------------- I've been waiting for a chance to post this one: A guy's driving down a long interstate, and starts seeing a few farmers peddling their fruits and other extra crops. One catches his eye: "Apples: $5 each". Taken aback by the price, the man pulls over and asks the farmer "Why on earth are you charging $5/each for apples?!" The farmer replies: "Well these aren't your average apples. They're peanut butter and jelly apples. Take a bite and see!" So he takes a bite. "Whaddaya know, peanut butter! But where's the jelly?" "Turn it around!" "Yup, that's grape jelly. I'll take a whole barrel of these." So he drives on down the road with his special apples. He then sees another sign "Apples $50". Amazed, he pulls over again and asks what's so special about THOSE apples. "Oh, these are Ham and Cheese apples." So he tries one. "Whaddaya know, ham!" "Turn it around!" "Wow, 3 kinds of cheese!" Interested, he buys a couple of apples and continues again. Until he sees yet another apple stand "APPLES $100" "Now those have got to be some amazing apples" he thinks and pulls over to check them out. "These are really nice apples. They're Pussy apples." Astounded, the man tries one, and immediately spits it out. "Ugh, that apple tasted like shit!!" "Turn it around!" ----------------------- What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A Flame-Thrower. ----------------------- How many drag queens does it take to change a lightbulb? 3, one to do it, one to do a line and a 3rd to yell "FABULOUS!" ----------------------- How many irishman does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, one to hold the bulb, the other to get so drunk the room spins ----------------------- Trinigoddess7: i have no clue what CSEC means beleg curu: who cares, just the letters Trinigoddess7: ECPAT Trinigoddess7: UNICEF Trinigoddess7: NGO Trinigoddess7: SAARC
