Women's Thoughts

Skinny people chap me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys...but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. 

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. 

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she didn't care. 

They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, do it and you die." 

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day! 

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
-- Bella Abzug 

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
-- Gloria Steinem 

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
-- Gloria Steinem 

"I think - therefore I'm single."
-- Lizz Winstead 

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
-- Elayne Boosler 

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde."
-- Dolly Parton 

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
-- Erica Jong 

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours."
-- Rita Rudner 

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives."
-- Rita Rudner 

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
-- Susie Loucks 

"This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?""
-- Judy Tenuta 

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
-- Wendy Liebman 

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
-- Erma Bombeck 

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."
-- Roseanne 

"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead."
-- Sue Kolinsky 

"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?"
-- Wendy Liebman 

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
-- Gilda Radner 

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-- Maryon Pearson 

"Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."
-- Katharine Hepburn