Men And Women

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.  Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below.  Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies, "24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive." The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask.  I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!  I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear.  Here's a Jaguar for you to drive"  A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter.  When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"  Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."