Absurd Warning Labels

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: 
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up
On an infant's bathtub: 
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
-- Gary Dawson, Arlington

Third Runner-Up
On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: 
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Second Runner-Up
On a Magic 8 Ball: 
Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

First Runner-Up
On a roll of Life Savers: 
Not for use as a flotation device.
-- Jean Sorensen, Herndon

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata 
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: 
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
-- Elden Carnahan, Laurel

Honorable Mentions 
On a Pentium chip: 
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

On a refrigerator: 
Refrigerate after opening.
-- Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg

On a pack of cigarettes: 
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.
-- Jacob Weinstein, McLean

On a disposable razor: 
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
-- Jim Gaffney, Manassas

On a handgun: 
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
-- Art Grinath, Takoma Park

On pantyhose: 
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
-- Judith Daniel, Washington

On a piano: 
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
-- Peter Fay, Herndon

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: 
Not to be used for breast augmentation.
-- Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: 
This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: 
Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.
-- Meg Sullivan, Potomac

On work gloves: 
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

On a palm sander: 
Not to be used to sand palms.
-- Patrick G. White, Taneytown

On a calendar: 
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
-- Elden Carnahan, Laurel

On Odor Eaters: 
Do not eat.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

On Sen. Bob Dole: 
WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
-- Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill.

On a blender: 
Not for use as an aquarium.
-- Gary Dawson, Arlington

On a fax machine: 
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
-- John Kammer, Herndon

On syrup of ipecac: 
Caution: May cause vomiting.
-- Paul Styrene, Olney

On a revolving door: 
Passenger compartments for individual use only.
-- Elden Carnahan, Laurel

On a microscope: 
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
-- J. Calvin Smith, Laurel

On children's alphabet blocks: 
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
-- David Handelsman, Charlottesville

On a wet suit: 
Capacity, 1.
-- J. Calvin Smith, Laurel

And Last: On The Washington Post: 
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington