In the Courtroom

Q: Officer, what led you to believe that the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronounciate his words.

Q: You say you are innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: At the time my right foot was located at the extreme end of my right leg.

Q: Just what did you do to try to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: So your name is John Smith. And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Yes, I was acquainted with the defendent.
A: Before or after he died?

Q: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to the deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: At the time you first saw the victim, had you ever seen him prior to that time?
A: I'm not sure.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Why did you go to this doctor?
A: A friend of mine had two children with him and said he was very good.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Witness: Then he says "I have to kill you because you can identify me".
Lawyer: Did he kill you?