Blonde Jokes

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said, "Disneyland left". So they turned around and went home.

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

Three Blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three Blondes and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish." Well, the first one is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears. The second one said she, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears. The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..."

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo hoo," she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21, 21, 21…" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying, "21, 21, 21…" Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22, 22, 22…"

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." P: "Uh ... How's that working?" B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." P. "And why do you think that is?" B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate".

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What is the mating call of a blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

What is a brunette's mating call? "Have all the blondes gone home?"

What does a smart blonde and a UFO have in common? You are always hearing about them, but you never actually see one.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toes go in front".

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing Nutrasweet? She thought it was diet coke.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerio's? "OH, LOOK !! Donut seeds!!"

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "How can I be sure it's mine?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower? The green "WELCOME" mat is ripped all to shreds.

How do blondes commit suicide? They put spikes on their shoulder pads.

Why are blondes like turtles? Once they're on their back, they're screwed.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Both are empty from the neck up.

How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their heads stuck in the jar.

What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes? "Interpreter."

What does a blonde say first thing in the morning? "Are all you guys on the same team?"

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? 100 - One to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's.

How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer? There's "White-Out" all over the screen.

Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.

How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning? She opens the car door.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? You know how many men went down on the Titanic.

Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie? Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out the W's.

What do most blondes have against condoms? Their cheeks.

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a "Hide and Seek" game.

What goes "VROOOM... SCREECH! VROOOM... SCREECH! VROOOM... SCREECH!"? A blonde at a flashing red light.

Why can't blondes use birth control pills? They keep falling out.

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself? Acupuncture.

Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday? So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.

Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy? She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

Why was the blonde two hours late getting home? The escalator got stuck.

Why did the blonde stay up all night studying? She had a urine test the next day.

Why didn't the blonde vote? She didn't care who got in.

Why was the blonde housewife mad at her husband? He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"

They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Three blondes die and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left." Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left." An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left." One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."

A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant!"

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

A young blonde woman had to go to the dentist. She climbed into his chair chewing gum and snapping her fingers and wearing a Walkman. The dentist thought to himself, "Well, I'll let her keep that on for a while as it obviously relaxes her." He proceeded to examine her teeth. When it came time to take new x-rays, however, he told her he needed her to remove the Walkman. "NO, NO, NO," she cried, "Please don't. I really need to keep it on." "But, I can't continue working with that thing on your head," replied the dentist. "Oh, you must find a way," she said. "I really have to have it." The dentist was losing his patience, and snarled through clenched teeth, "I must take this thing off." He snatched the Walkman from her head, flung it to his assistant, and continued working. His patient sat straight and still. Then, a few minutes later, she suddenly, without warning, just slumped in the chair, her head rolling to one side, not breathing. Dead. "What?" thought the dentist. "What have I done? What has gone wrong?" He checked his needles, and his pastes, and his gas, and his instruments. All in order. "What possibly could have happened? A heart attack in one so young? An allergy?" Then, he spotted her Walkman, picked it up, put on the headphones, and heard, "Breathe in..., breathe out..."

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!" The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up!" This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: I'll have a B and C. Bartender: What's a B and C? Brunette: Bourbon and Coke. Redhead: I'll have a G and T. Bartender: What's a G and T? Redhead: Gin and tonic. Blonde: I'll have a 15. Bartender: What's a 15? Blonde: Seven and Seven.

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The first brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The other brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I conceived while I was on top." The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one"? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back"?

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"