N THE LAST DITCH ATTEMPT SALOON
- July 4, 2000-
The Unanimous Declaration of the People of Last Ditch Attempt.
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for the folks around here
to dissolve the socialist political bands of slavery which have shackled them to the
nanny state, and to reclaim the rights granted them by the Laws of Nature and of
Nature's God, it seems fair to let other folks know why we quit. We hold these truths to
be self-evident, that all men are created equal – no matter what the totalitarians in
Washington say. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
Rights, that among these are Life –
including the lives of the unborn – Liberty – from the tyranny of a federal government headed by a
sociopath – and the pursuit of happiness – in any way, shape or form we see fit, as long as we bear
responsibility for our actions and demand the same from other folks. That to secure these rights,
Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed –
not movie stars, cocaine dealers, illegal campaign contributors, co-opted state-run television networks
dispensing statist propaganda, Chinese communists or any other foreign ****
That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People
to kick the bastards out and to institute new Government which will leave them the hell alone to live their
lives in safety and happiness without the approval of Ralph Nader or any other safety Nazi. We don't do
this lightly, but enough is ENOUGH and we're not going to take it anymore. When a long train of abuses,
treasonous activities, briberies, murders and lies, pursuing invariably the same
socialist-American-slavery objective evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is
their right, it is their DUTY, to give such Government the heave-ho and to get back to the business of
taking care of themselves. Such has been the patient sufferance of the people of Last Ditch Attempt; and
such is now the necessity which demands them to dump their former Systems of Government.
The history of the present King of Washington D.C. is a history of repeated injuries, usurption, and
treason, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the town of Last Ditch
To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most
wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has dissolved the Legislative process repeatedly with
his tyranical use of Executive Orders.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, through means of intimidation – such as siccing the IRS
on anybody who blows the whistle on him, packing the federal courts with socialist dim-bulb judges,
destroying the reputations of the women he has molested and installing an Attorney General who thinks
the Bill of Rights is the menu at Planet Hollywood.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people,
and eat out their substance, not to mention gas, shoot and burn them. He has, in times of peace, sent out
standing armies to slaughter innocents in foreign nations as well as church congregations in Texas.
He has affected to render the military impotent and inferior to the militaries of foreign aggressors. He
has rendered unto foreign powers the ability to turn this town into a radioactive wasteland. He has
combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by
our laws; giving his Assent to their acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us disguised as policemen.
For protecting these Velcroed Stormtroopers, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which
they commited, or will commit, on the inhabitants of this town.
For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world unless he stands to make a buck out of it.
For imposing insufferable, illegal and redundant taxes on us without our consent, and then using the
damn money to further enslave us.
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring open season on those of us who would dissent from
his socialist agenda and declaring war on us in the name of protecting us. He has plundered our
take-home pay, ravaged our wives and daughters, burnt our churches and destroyed the lives of anybody
who dares to disagree with him. He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to
complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and
perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy of the head of a civilized
nation. He has harrassed and imprisoned our fellow citizens for exercising their God-given rights under
the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States to arm and defend themselves.
He has surrounded himself with an ignorant and loudmouthed pile of socialist elites, thus insulating
himself from the wishes of regular folks while wallowing in the sewage of politically correct Crapspeak.
He has encouraged domestic insurrections and racial disharmony amongst us, and has endeavoured to
bring on the inhabitants of Last Ditch Attempt, the merciless Department of Justice Savages, whose
known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: Our
repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Psychopath whose character is thus
marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have we been lacking in attentions to our so-called Representatives. We have warned them from
time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdition over us. We have
reminded them of the fact that they are supposed to work for us, not ON us. We have appealed to their
sense of justice, and found it sorely lacking. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and fair play
for all. We must, therefore, hold them, as we hold the rest of the bottom-feeders in Washington, Enemies
in War, and a really disgusting bunch of blood sucking parasites. We, therefore, the Representatives of
the town of Last Ditch Attempt, in General Congress assembled in Biggun Stump's Saloon, and
appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for His blessing of our intentions, do, in the name, and by
the authority of the good people of Last Ditch Attempt, solemnly publish and declare that Last Ditch
Attempt is, and of right ought to be, Free and Independent; that it is absolved from all allegiance to the
Clinton Crown, and that all political connection between us and the Nanny-State Muckspouts in the
District of Criminals, is and ought to be dissolved; and that as the Free and Independent town of Last
Ditch Attempt, we have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce,
and to do all other acts and things which a truly free people ought to have the right to do. We pledge our
lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor to this cause and you socialist bastards can bet your fir, we ain't
kidding! Signed July 4, 2000, by every American in the town of Last Ditch Attempt. Down the State! Up
Michael J. Bates is a freelance political writer and staff columnist for Ether Zone.
Michael can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Published in the July 12, 2000 issue of Ether Zone.
Copyright © 2000 Ether Zone (http://etherzone.com).
Reposting permitted with this message intact.