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The Declaration of Undependence

(With Gratitude And Apologies To The Founding Fathers)

Declaration of Undependence Image
- July 4, 2000-
The Unanimous Declaration of the People of Last Ditch Attempt. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for the folks around here to dissolve the socialist political bands of slavery which have shackled them to the nanny state, and to reclaim the rights granted them by the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God, it seems fair to let other folks know why we quit. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal no matter what the totalitarians in Washington say. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life including the lives of the unborn Liberty from the tyranny of a federal government headed by a sociopath and the pursuit of happiness in any way, shape or form we see fit, as long as we bear responsibility for our actions and demand the same from other folks. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed not movie stars, cocaine dealers, illegal campaign contributors, co-opted state-run television networks dispensing statist propaganda, Chinese communists or any other foreign **** That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to kick the bastards out and to institute new Government which will leave them the hell alone to live their lives in safety and happiness without the approval of Ralph Nader or any other safety Nazi. We don't do this lightly, but enough is ENOUGH and we're not going to take it anymore. When a long train of abuses, treasonous activities, briberies, murders and lies, pursuing invariably the same socialist-American-slavery objective evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their DUTY, to give such Government the heave-ho and to get back to the business of taking care of themselves. Such has been the patient sufferance of the people of Last Ditch Attempt; and such is now the necessity which demands them to dump their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Washington D.C. is a history of repeated injuries, usurption, and treason, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the town of Last Ditch Attempt. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has dissolved the Legislative process repeatedly with his tyranical use of Executive Orders. He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, through means of intimidation such as siccing the IRS on anybody who blows the whistle on him, packing the federal courts with socialist dim-bulb judges, destroying the reputations of the women he has molested and installing an Attorney General who thinks the Bill of Rights is the menu at Planet Hollywood. He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance, not to mention gas, shoot and burn them. He has, in times of peace, sent out standing armies to slaughter innocents in foreign nations as well as church congregations in Texas. He has affected to render the military impotent and inferior to the militaries of foreign aggressors. He has rendered unto foreign powers the ability to turn this town into a radioactive wasteland. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their acts of pretended Legislation: For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us disguised as policemen. For protecting these Velcroed Stormtroopers, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they commited, or will commit, on the inhabitants of this town. For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world unless he stands to make a buck out of it. For imposing insufferable, illegal and redundant taxes on us without our consent, and then using the damn money to further enslave us. For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury. He has abdicated Government here, by declaring open season on those of us who would dissent from his socialist agenda and declaring war on us in the name of protecting us. He has plundered our take-home pay, ravaged our wives and daughters, burnt our churches and destroyed the lives of anybody who dares to disagree with him. He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy of the head of a civilized nation. He has harrassed and imprisoned our fellow citizens for exercising their God-given rights under the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States to arm and defend themselves. He has surrounded himself with an ignorant and loudmouthed pile of socialist elites, thus insulating himself from the wishes of regular folks while wallowing in the sewage of politically correct Crapspeak. He has encouraged domestic insurrections and racial disharmony amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of Last Ditch Attempt, the merciless Department of Justice Savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions. In every stage of these Oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Psychopath whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Nor have we been lacking in attentions to our so-called Representatives. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdition over us. We have reminded them of the fact that they are supposed to work for us, not ON us. We have appealed to their sense of justice, and found it sorely lacking. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and fair play for all. We must, therefore, hold them, as we hold the rest of the bottom-feeders in Washington, Enemies in War, and a really disgusting bunch of blood sucking parasites. We, therefore, the Representatives of the town of Last Ditch Attempt, in General Congress assembled in Biggun Stump's Saloon, and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for His blessing of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of Last Ditch Attempt, solemnly publish and declare that Last Ditch Attempt is, and of right ought to be, Free and Independent; that it is absolved from all allegiance to the Clinton Crown, and that all political connection between us and the Nanny-State Muckspouts in the District of Criminals, is and ought to be dissolved; and that as the Free and Independent town of Last Ditch Attempt, we have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which a truly free people ought to have the right to do. We pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor to this cause and you socialist bastards can bet your fir, we ain't kidding! Signed July 4, 2000, by every American in the town of Last Ditch Attempt. Down the State! Up the Revolution!
Michael J. Bates is a freelance political writer and staff columnist for Ether Zone.
Michael can be reached at
Published in the July 12, 2000 issue of Ether Zone.
Copyright 2000 Ether Zone (
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