Capitulito IX

When I first entered college my major was Visual Arts.

I wanted to be a photographer.

I carried my camera almost everywhere with me, and spent every extra penny I had on film. Hours of my life were spent in the school’s dark room. I never got any sleep because I was imagining possible pictures and how amazing they would be.

It got to be pretty bad. I was eating grilled cheese sandwiches three times a day and my parents threatened to stop sending me money if I spent it on taking pictures of the silver men who live on the beach.

I met Nick the day after I changed my major. It got to be too much. The life of the starving artist wasn’t the one for me.

When Nick bought me drinks, he didn’t ask what I was interested in. Maybe it was better that way, I’m not even sure if I knew myself.

I didn’t take a single picture until six months after I gave up my major. It was like I was afraid I would get swallowed up again if I even touched a camera.

Nick backed away when he saw the camera in my hands.

“Amb, I thought you gave that up,” It was almost like he was talking about a drug. I thought you went to rehab and gave it up. I thought you were through with it. His eyes showed a hint of glee.

I held my camera up and aimed it at Nick.

Through the lens he was golden. The light passed around him like he was heaven-sent. And I realized after all my years of searching, I had found my perfect model.

I had stayed away from photographing people, especially people I knew, as much as possible, because it is hard to photograph a message on a person’s face. It’s hard to reach perfection the way you can with a landscape or an inanimate object. And people were always so damn insecure about being photographed.

Nick held his hand up to cover my lens before I had a chance to snap what was to be my first perfect photograph and said, “I don’t do photographs.”

I looked up, expecting to see a playful smile on his face, but he was dead serious.

“If you want a picture you can find plenty on the internet.”

After that I put my camera away for good, and never looked back. Nick never mentioned it again, but one day I saw him looking through my portfolio and sighing.