My Lil' Angel Baby

This page is dedicated to my angel baby who was due to make his/her grand debut on March 21, 2001. This page is very personal and close to my heart. Not everyone is privy to viewing my memorial. Consider yourself very special! :o)
~Story of My Angel~
My story, or our story, begins in June of 2000. At the time, my fiance Adam and I were not planning on a child at all, but sometimes God sends unexpected gifts to us when we least expect it. My lil' angel was conceived on or around June 28, 2000. It never crossed my mind that I had my period just 2 weeks prior on approximately June 15th, until it was too late. I thought to myself "Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it now. If I am pregnant, I just am. I will cross that bridge when I get there."
A few more days went by, and I gave the idea little to no thought whatsoever. Then, about 3 days before my period was due, I got these AWFUL cramps like I had never had before in my life! I was at Janice & Rcky's and I did not want to let on I wasn't feeling good, so I kept trying to ignore them, but they just would not go away. Finally I went to the bathroom and I freaked out; I was spotting blood! I had never spotted between periods, so that was my first indication that something may be going on. I went back in their living room and sat down and Janice knew something was wrong. She said "Mandy, are you ok, you are as white as a ghost". I told her I was fine, but soon left to go back home and get in bed. I did have the thought that it was my period, but it was just a few little spots, nothing more. No more bleeding whatsoever. Because it was a few days before my period I figured a home pregnancy test would not detect the HCG hormone in my blood yet so I decided to hold off a few days on that.
I did tell Adam that I thought I may be pregnant, however. He was not thrilled at the idea, but he was so close with his baby nephew, Travis, he thought it over and decided that maybe it would not be so bad to have a baby. At this point in our relationship it was smooth sailing. If I had known the rocky roads that were about to be facing me I would never have been so calm.
The day I was expecting my period came and went. Then, out of the blue once again, I had spotting. Like before it was maybe 2 tiny droplets of blood. I knew this was not my period, and if it was, it was very abnormal. So, I finally went and got a HPT. I could not stand the suspense of waiting to do it the following morning and I went ahead and did the test. The results that I found staring back at me were so unreal to me at that moment. The stick had 2 lines; one in the test window and one in the control window although it was very very very faint. I was so scared. I was thinking "Ok, it's very light, maybe that isn't a positive result". I then read the back of the box that stated ANY line in the 2nd window, no matter how faint, should be taken as being a positive result. I was so scared. I went running through the house yelling for my roomate telling her to look at the test and see if she saw what I thought I saw. At first glance she was like, "Mandy there is nothing there" and I told her to turn on the light, then she could see it. Sure enough, we shed some light on the subject and there it was, 2 pink lines clear as they could be even though one was very faint.
I was overwhelmed with all the emotions that were taking over my mind. How was I going to tell Adam I was positive I was pregnant? Would we go ahead and get married now instead of 2001 as we planned? How was I going to break it to my parents? Most of all I wanted to know, HOW AM I GOING TO SUPPORT A CHILD? All these things kept running through my mind and then I finally did it; I told Adam. He was acting very nonchalant about the whole situation and this hurt my feelings very bad. I tried not to let it get to me but that was impossible. I cried all the time, and what time I was not crying I slept. We continued to fight and I found out his mother knew about the pregnancy and had given Adam an ultimatum: Stay with Mandy until you know if she is pregnant or not, if not, you have to leave her. Some future mother-in-law I had huh? I'm so glad now that I got out of that bad situation. His mom had got it made up in her mind that it was time for me and Adam to part ways and she is very controlling so she laid down to law to him. This, in fact, ended up being what happened; he left me and married my friend (his mom wanted him with her) within 4 months. That is another story though; back to our angel......
Finally at the end of July it happened, I got my period....well what I thought was my period. It started around July 27th, and as soon as Adam knew that, he split immediately. In a way I felt relieved. In other ways I felt abused by Adam for only hanging around until he felt sure I wasn't pregnant. After all the years we had been together and all we had been through, the good and the bad, that is how he repaid me; he walked out of my life at a time when I needed him the most. Anyways, I got my period but as quickly as it started it stopped. It was very light and lasted only 1 day which is very unusual for me. I gave it no more thought and just assumed that I was not pregnant after all and if I had been I had lost the baby.
I began to go about life as normal, mostly trying to keep Adam out of my mind and move on from our 3 1/2 year relationship. I continued to go to school, work, go to the beach, hang out with my friends, and all that stuff. However, I still kept having these nagging symptoms that would not go away. I constantly had a headache. I could not brush my teeth without gagging. I would practically puke at the sign of my beloved strawberry cheesecake. I slept about 14 hours a day. I had no energy to do anything when I was awake. I would get dizzy at random times for no reason. I felt bloated all the time. I did not eat because I felt so full all the time. Around the end of August I became suspicious of pregnancy yet again so I went and got another test. This one was....You guessed it, POSITIVE! I really felt the urge to barf then! I had no idea what to think. Adam was out of my life for good and there was no way I was calling and telling him. He would just tell me it was a plan to get him to come back to me, which it was not in the least. If he wanted nothing to do with me and his child that was fine, but I at least felt he had the right to know he was going to be a father and the decisions he made about me and the baby could be made by him. At least he would not be in the dark about the situation. Reguardless, I was having and keeping our baby, no matter what he decided to do. If he wanted to close us out that was something he had to live with himself, not me. I knew I was doing the right thing and I could live with that. I contimplated this new finding a little while longer and decided to wait a while to tell him. I was going to wait until the reality of it sunk in better with me so I could talk sensibly to him about it. Then, with no warning, it happened.
On a bright fall morning right after Labor Day I got up and I was just about to the point where I had decided to tell Adam about the baby. I had given it a week of thought and felt it was time he knew. After all, he only had 6 months to get ready before the baby was due. I had calculated my EDD on the Internet and it told me that our baby would be born around March 21, 2001. Later that day after work I got the worst headache I had EVER had. I went to lay down and rest and I began getting the worst cramps; just like the ones I had back in early July when I spotted blood. Yet again I began to spot blood. I got really worried and before I knew it I was in the midst of a full fledged period. I mean, this period was so heavy I was soaking through everything. It was like turning on a water faucet. It lasted for 9 whole days; about 3 days longer than my normal period. Being I had never gone to a doctor, I didn't go for this either although I should have. I assumed it was a miscarriage so I went and bought another HPT which turned out negative.
Even though my baby had not been planned and would have been born under VERY stressful circumstances, I was still very sad about what had occured. I went into a depressive state where I rarely ate and became a hermit in my room. I lost about 30 pounds within the month following the miscarriage. I was just so sad that I couldn't deal with anything! My grades at college dropped, I lost contact with alot of friends, and mostly I felt that a part of me had died...well technically it had! I felt I had no one to talk to about this whole ordeal because no one knew but me, my roomate Kristen, and Adam. Kristen was very busy with school during this time and I was still not speaking to Adam so there was no one for me to turn to. The months of latter 2000 flew by and in January of 2001 I filed a small claims suit against Adam in court for some money he owed me but refused to repay. Ironically enough, our court date was set for March 21, 2001, the due date of our baby. I guess that was God's little way of bringing us together on that date anway, reguardless of the fact there would be no baby. The circumstances of that face to face encounter with him on that particular date brough a sense of peace to me, some closure if nothing else. We were together for different reasons, but in my heart I knew it was the work of a higher power that arranged that day for us.
It's been almost a year since that icy cold day in March of 2001 and alot has happened in my life since then. Although I am still a VERY busy college senior, thoughts of our angel baby sometimes cross my mind. What would he/she be doing right now? Would I be chasing little feet around my house or watching as tiny hands pulled up on the edge of a coffee table in an attempt at mobility? Would he/she still be crawling? What would my baby look like? Would he/she have Adam's dark black hair and eyes with his long pretty eyelashes or have my auburn hair, blue eyes and dimples? All these things cross my mind from time to time. It especially is hard when I see a baby who is about the same age as our baby would have been. It makes me sad to think that I should be the one pushing a stroller just as much as the people I pass on the sidewalk, in the mall, at the grocery store, etc. The only thing that has given me comfort in this time has been the thought of my baby in heaven. I guess God needed a very special angel to come be with him that day in September 2000 and he chose my baby. I hope he/she is smiling down on me (and Adam for that matter) and I hope our baby knows how much they were loved even though I we never got to meet them!
To meet the parents of Angel Baby Morse, please click the buton below!

How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
Almost a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footsteps have left
upon my heart.
~Dorothy Ferguson~

I'll love you for forever
I'll like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
~Robert Munsch~

* Bereaved Birthdays *

Birthdays are a time for celebration
Not a time for tears
But what happens when the birthdays
No longer mark the years

A birthday marks the moment
A spirit enters earthly life
To share its special love and joy
And learn from earthly strife

Before a spirit comes to us,
It Knows when and how it must depart
It chooses its path carefully,
We are honored from the start

The sadness we now feel on such a joyous day
Is longing for our loved one's touch
It's natural to feel this way
For even though the birthdays
No longer mark a spirit's stay

Love continues on forever
To touch us everyday
I hug my precious memories
Close to my heart
And honor my beloved spirit child
Who chose me from the start

~Author unknown~

Poem Placed on this site on March 21, 2002; the 1st birthday of my angel

We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence.
We often speak your name.
Now all we have are memories,
And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,
With which we'll never part.
God has you in His keeping.
We have you in our heart.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds circled in flight.
I am the soft star that shines by night,
I am the flowers that bloom by day,
I am the fragrance of new mown hay
I am each blade of grass that grows,
I am the rush of melting snow.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

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Song: "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" by Savage Garden
Last Updated: September 17, 2003