JOKES PAGE!!!
BLONDE AND BLUE
- submitted by Jeff Singer
____________________________
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When
his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told
them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't
get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and
prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was
the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her
dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like
that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad!
Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd
got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I
stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same
big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us
you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like
that---so I shoved it back in."
OZ CAR WILD
- submitted by Jonathan
_________________________
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus
stop where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue
to stare. "Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie
turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."
Hilarious Things To Do
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address be:xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9)Sorry----I couldn't post this one! It was inapropiret.
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.
For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Hum when you ride an elevator.
An three construction workers were working on
a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.
The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham!
All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches.
If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off
this building and kill myself."
The second construction worker said, "Turkey,
turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich!
I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm
gonna kill myself, too!"
The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter,
peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch
is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I
get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join
you guys and jump off this sky scraper."
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham
sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.
The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich,
so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the
third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he
jumped off the building and killed himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the
first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I
wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."
The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he
had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."
The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know
why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has no prior
experience or lessons. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady rhythmic pace,
but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs
for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw
her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the
horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot had become
entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and
again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away
from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age
of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a
rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,
chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and
never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton,
but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out
of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from
his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who is he going to tell?"
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND LIFE, JUST ASK THE KIDS
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting
here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.
____________________
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a
moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
____________________
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up,
I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor,
replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."
____________________
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the
back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
____________________
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened
to the flea?"
____________________
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."
____________________
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes
are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."
____________________
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother
asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
DAD TORAH HIM A NEW ONE
- Submitted by Dan Steinberg
______________________________
A young woman brings home her
fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her
mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies,
"and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement
ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."
