BY: xffan_2000

SUMMARY: Just read it, it’s amusing.


DISCLAIMER: This "Remington Steele" story is not-for-profit and is purely for entertainment purposes. The author and this site do not own the characters and are in no way affiliated with "Remington Steele," the actors, their agents, the producers, MTM Productions, the NBC Television Network or any station or network carrying the show in syndication, or anyone in the industry.


The bailiff opened the file and read the names to himself. He closed the folder and placed it on the judge’s desk.

“All parties in the matter of Karen Ann Quinlan versus Robinson Crusoe!” he called to the courtroom.

Judge Nancy Astor adjusted her bifocals and watched the plaintiff and defendant approach the desks before her. The bailiff swore the parties in.

“Okay, people, why exactly are you two back in my courtroom?” Astor asked, a sour look on her face.

Karen Ann piped up first. “He’s borderline normal, Your Honor!” She pointed across at her ex-husband. “I have proof he’s having a love affair with a man!”

“Is this true, Mr. Crusoe?” Astor inquired.

“Absolutely not, Your Honor. My former wife is only trying to grab more alimony.” He frowned at his ex. “Money I don’t have. She knows I was involved in the Triangle Factory fire scandal and that I’m still paying on that settlement. She just wants the world.”

“Ms. Quinlan?” the judge asked, turning back to her.

“Please, call me Mrs. Doubtfire. I just remarried, Your Honor, and I know I can’t get alimony out of my former husband. I am looking for more child support for his children, though. For them, the world is not enough, Robinson.”

Astor made a few notes on the file. “You said you had proof Mr. Crusoe is having an affair?”

“Yes, ma’am. In fact, his lover is in the courtroom today.”

“Where?” Astor asked.

Karen Ann pointed to the back row of the courtroom. “The man in the brown suit.”

“Him? Dead ahead of me?”

“I’ve never seen him before,” Crusoe denied.

“Yes, ma’am,” Karen Ann confirmed.

“Sir, would you stand up,” the judge requested.

In the back of the courtroom, a man rose to his feet.

“What’s your name?” the judge asked.

“Charles Johnson,” he responded.

“Mister Johnson, have you ever had any interaction with the defendant?”

“No, ma’am.”

“See, Your Honor?” Crusoe puffed, “Karen Ann is obviously suffering some sort of illness, perhaps Jericho fever, to think I’d do such a thing.”

“They’re deceivers, Your Honor!” Karen Ann countered. “Mr. Johnson owns the clothing store, the Tailor of Panama Street. I’ve got copies of personals my ex-husband placed in the newspaper soliciting sexual advances.” Karen Ann indicated the three children seated behind her. “My son and his cousin actually saw Robinson and Charles together recently at the gathering at Dante’s Peak National Park.”

Astor looked at the children. “Is this the son?” She indicated the older of the two boys.

“He’s the nephew,” Karen Ann answered, turning toward the three children. “Taffin, tell the judge what you saw.”

Taffin stood up and approached the desk at which Karen Ann stood.

“Taffin, how old are you?” Astor questioned.


“You know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don’t you?”

“Yes,” the boy answered.

“Good. Then, tell me what you saw, son,” Astor coaxed.

“We went to the match at Centennial Park that Friday. It was the best place to be, because before the soccer game, a bunch of us were playing Prophet’s Game, that new card game like Pokemon.”

“And you saw Mr. Crusoe and Mr. Johnson together there?”

“Yes. Mr. Crusoe took all three of us to the park that day. But then he left us with the babysitter. I think her name was…Caroline?”

The judge nodded and made notes.

“Anyway,” Taffin continued, “we were there for like, forever, and Mr. Crusoe hadn’t come back. We ended up watching a lawnmower man cut the grass for about an hour and we played with a broken chain we found and we even saw this great elephant escape from the zoo there.”

Obviously growing tired of the boys narrative, Astor prompted him to return to the original subject. “At what point did you see Mr. Crusoe with Mr. Johnson, Taffin?

“Oh, yeah. Well, my cousin and I told Caroline we had to go to the bathroom, so we went over to the restrooms. We could hear voices from within, and it sounded like two guys fighting with each other. So we hid behind that statue of the big grey owl that’s right outside the bathroom.

“I decided to sneak in to see what they were doing. I thought they were beating each other up. So, when I peeked in the door, I could see that the mirror had two faces in it. One was Mr. Crusoe and the other was that guy back there.” Taffin pointed to the back of the room where Mr. Johnson still stood. “They didn’t really look mad at each other, but I was surprised when Mr. Crusoe threw the other guy against the wall. The mirror cracked, but the guy didn’t look like he was upset. I didn’t really like what I was seeing, these two guys entangled and all that, so I went and grabbed my cousin and we started on the long journey back to Caroline and my other cousin.”

“Did you tell your babysitter what you saw?” Astor inquired.

“No. My mom says ‘don’t talk to strangers,’ so I didn’t tell her, since she’s practically a stranger to me.”

“I see.” Astor raised her eyes to the man at the back of the room. “I think you should join in this discussion, Mr. Johnson. Don’t you?”

Johnson clearly paled as he moved forward to stand near Crusoe.

“And what do you have to say about that, Mr. Johnson?” Astor questioned. “Is what Taffin says true?”

He looked to Crusoe and blinked. “Ma’am,” he began, turning dramatically back to the judge, “I’m a victim of love!”

“Exactly how do you figure that, Mr. Johnson?” Astor questioned.

“I object, Your Honor!” Crusoe piped up.

“To what?” the judge snapped.

“I…well, I just do.”

“Overruled. Mr. Johnson?”

“Your Honor, I feel as though I’m trapped in a prison of secrets.” He overtly shook his head and gazed toward God. “Do you know what it’s like to not be able to tell people you’re in love with someone?” He lowered his eyes to the judge, a pleading look on his face. “We’re love on the run. And that long, good Friday at the park, it was wonderful. We played dress-up that day as Elvis and the beauty queen. I was the beauty queen!

“And as long as I’m breaking the silence,” Johnson turned to Crusoe, “I was the one who wrote that letter to three wives at the Triangle Factory.”

“Charlie, no!” Crusoe yelled.

Johnson turned back to the judge. “I was the one who helped plan the heist with him at the Noble House Bank! I was the one on the night watch when Robinson took that live wire and killed those two nomads!”

He turned to face Karen Ann. “And you! Trying to get more money out of him for child support. Tell us, Mrs. Doubtfire, exactly who is your daughter’s father?”

Judge Astor, who was by now quite interested in the rantings of Johnson turned to Karen Ann. “Well? Whose daughter is she?”

Karen Ann’s jaw dropped. She scowled at Johnson and Crusoe. “How dare you!”

“Mrs. Doubtfire!” Astor snapped.

Instantly, Karen Ann hung her head. “I don’t know for sure, Your Honor,” she answered in a whisper.

“How’s that?” the judge pressed.

“Well, she could be Joseph Tomorrow’s child or Bill Yesterday’s child.”

“But she’s not Robinson Crusoe’s child.”

Karen Ann looked back at her five-year-old daughter. “No, ma’am, she’s not.”

Astor pushed herself back in her leather chair and steepled her fingers. “Well, this has been quite the awakening, hasn’t it, Wally?”

Her bailiff chuckled. “It certainly has.”

“Okay, people,” Astor began, “some aspects of this case are clearly beyond the scope of this court. But in regard to the original claim for more child support, I’ll site the Thomas Crown Affair which sets precedent for this case. Based on the fourth protocol in that case, I will award Mrs. Doubtfire an increase in child support for her son, but not for her daughter, due to the questionable paternity.” The judge pounded the gavel signaling the end of her ruling.

The scene instantly cut to a man in a suit, standing on a street corner with a huge crowd of people behind him. Everyone was shoving, attempting to mug the camera. “And that ends the case of the Incident in a Small Town. Do you agree with the judge’s ruling?” He shoved his microphone practically up a woman’s nose.

“Are you kidding?” the woman yelled. “She should have arrested everyone! That man obviously had a killing mind!”


Laura snapped off the television.

“I can’t believe you actually watched that entire show,” she commented, fluffing his pillow.

“Laura,” Steele slurred, “I’m forced to watch nothing but broadcast television since the satellite is on the fritz.” He yawned. “I can’t help it if the only thing they show during the day is courtroom shows.”

She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “If you’d just not dive on suspects as they go down stairs, you wouldn’t break your leg and be forced to stay in bed.”

Steele made a grab at Laura’s hand before she pulled away. Due to the pain killers coursing through his system, he completely missed and landed instead in his empty soup bowl. “You could stay with me and I wouldn’t have to endure Judge Astor and Judge Judy and Judge Mills Lane and Judge…”

Laura took the napkin and wiped his fingers for him. “Someone has to keep the agency running while you recover.” She again leaned down and kissed him, this time on his lips. “Besides, Ray will be home from school in a few hours and he can wheel you out back for awhile, if you’re up to it. You can watch him swim in the pool. Just keep the cordless next to you, so you can call 911 if anything happens. I don’t need two injured Steeles.”

“Swimming’s…good,” he mumbled.

She removed the lunch tray from his lap and ruffled his hair with her free hand. “Rest,” she ordered as she walked toward the bedroom door.

He was practically asleep when he muttered, “I love my son.”

Laura smiled back at her drugged husband and switched off the light with her elbow. “Everybody loves Raymond, dear.”


AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve wanted for a very long time to write a story that included the titles to all of PB & SZ’s movies. Although I couldn’t manage to squeeze everything in, I did manage to get 57 of them sprinkled throughout. Did you find them all? (Obviously, I dropped in one DR title, too.)