American Pie The Script

Here it is my gift to all of you out there the long awaited script to American Pie. I will be posting a section each day so ya gotta keep checkin back. I hope you enjoy and realize what a pain in the butt it was to type all this out. Enjoy and make sure you also check out my new Road Trip movie site!!!

Ohh
(man moaning on TV) Oh, yeah.

(Woman on TV) Ohh, you're so good.

(Jim) Ohh, yes. I am the best, baby.

(Woman On TV) Oh, yeah!

(Jim) Oh. Oh, that was a tit, that is a tit! Yes!

(Moaning Continues)

(Woman) Oh, you're so big!

(Jim) Oh, Yeah. Yeah, that's right baby.

(Man On TV) Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone.
(Woman) Yes!
(Man on TV) Oh, yeah! I'm bone smugglin', baby.

(Jim) Man, would you shut up!
(Moaning Continues)

(Jim's mom) Hey, Jimmy.
Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

(Jim) Yeah, yeah.
Sweet dreams. Goodnight, Mom.

Kiss good night
(Moaning Continues)

(Mom) Something wrong with the reception?

(Jim)Uh, yeah. Yeah.
There's-- There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch

(Man On TV) Take it off.

(Jim) And the birds are all scrambled and I can't even--

(Woman On TV) Do me! Yes!

(Jimmy Groans)
(Woman on TV) Baby! Ride me like a pony!

(Jim) The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something.
(Moans Continue)

(Jim's Dad) Getting ready for bed, son?

(Jim) Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.

(Jim's Dad) Yeah?

(Jim's Mom) No! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels/

(Jim) Illegal-- Illegal channels?

(Jim's Dad) This is just bad reception, honey.

(Man On TV) Oh, spank my hairy ass!

(Jim's Dad) What's that?

(Woman on TV)Ohh, baby!

(Jim's Dad) You know what? Here.
Just give me this, please--

Lifting the pillow off Jim's lap reveals a sock on Jim's penis

(Jim's Mom)Oh, my God!

(Jim's Dad) And lets get this-- Ohh!
Okay, okay. Let's, uh--That the hell's the matter with this thing?

(Woman On TV) Yes!

cut to school Oz and Jim walking outside school:

(Oz) If there's any channel that should be illegal, its that "all-woman's" channel
-Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit.

(Jim) Yeah.

(Jim) Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?

(Oz) No.

(Jim) Ariel, man. She's so hot!

(Oz) She's a mermaid, dude.

(Jim) Yeah Oz. But not when she's on land.

Kevin and Vicky talking in a car on the way to school.

(Kevin) Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We gotto go. It'll be great.

(Vicky) Why? All that happens at Stifler's parties is a bunch of people get drunk and do it.

(Kevin) Yeah.

(Vicky) Now, come on Kevin. Open it.

(Kevin) It's a big thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.

(Vicky) If you think so, just open it.

(Kevin) Fine.

Kevin opens envelope...

(Kevin) Hmm.
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you n the waiting list...
for the past couple of months, we've decided that you are now rejected."

(Vicky) Shut up!

(Both Giggling)

(Kevin) You got in.

(Vicky) (sqeals) Yes! I love you!

Vicky reaches over and hugs Kevin.

(Kevin) (chuckling) Okay.

Inside the school now:

(Jim) Hey, you think I should wear this shirt to Stifler's party?

(Oz) (scoffs) You've worn that shirt for, like, three days in a row, man!

(Kevin) Guys. She said it.

(Oz) Said what? (chuckles)

(Kevin) She said she loves me.

(Oz) Holy shit, dude! The "L" word?

(Jim) Oh, man!

Vicky with her friend Jessica talk while getting a soda:

(Vicky) Cornell's not that far from "U" of "M"

(Jessica) Yeah, it's only like, seven hours. Oh, and you get to drive across Canada. Beautiful country.

(Vicky) Whatever. It's doable.

Band geeks stand by lockers talking:

(Michele) Wh-What we shoudl do today, in band. Instead of playing our instruments regularly we should play them backwards. That'll be so funny!

(fellow band geeks) Yeah.

(Jessica) No offense, but you're talking about a post-high school, long distance relationship. And you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.

(Vicky) That's not why we're going out.

(Jessica) What do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

(Vicky) We're gonna have sex when's he's ready and I'm ready. It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place---

(Jessica) Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex.

Paul Finch sits alone on a bench drinking coffee when approaced by Oz and Jim:

(Oz) Finch.

(Jim) Here's the man we are looking for.

(Finch) Gentlemen.

(Jim) What's goin' on, buddy?

(Finch) Same ol'--

(Kevin) (sighs) Finch. You got the Latin homework?

(Finch) Oh. (Speaks Latin, Chuckles) It means, "My dog ate it." It's Latin. It's a joke. It's a Latin joke.

(Jim) Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.

(Finch) No, Jim, it's mochaccino.

(Jim) What?

(Finch) What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino. It's not coffee.

(Stifler) 'Nova!
Stifler running down the hall bangs into Oz

(Oz) What's up, dude?

(Stifler) You comin' to the party tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?

(Oz) Uh, depends if my date wants to stop by. I'm workin on somethin' new.

(Stifler) I got an idea about something new. How about you guys actually locate your dicks, remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them!

(Oz) Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a college chick.

(Stifler) (scoffs) Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight. I'll look for you in the no-fucking section (Mocking Laugh)

This script was typed word for word by Chris Spirito buffdadde@home.com webmaster of Warm Apple Pie

Cut to Dog Years a hotdog restaurante were the guys hang out:

(Kevin) All right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after. Breath check. (hands out gum)

(Jim) Thank you.

(Finch) Gargling at the table

(Oz) I wish you wouldn't do that.

(Kevin) So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight Finch?

(Finch) This is a foolproof plan, my friend.

(Jim) I have a serious question to ask you guys. Okay. You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick? She might be there tonight. Now, do you think she would prefer... (Clears Throat) laid-back Jim... or... (clears throat) cool, hip Jim?

(Kevin) I don't think it really matters with that shirt you're wearing.

(Jim) What? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the one with the girlfriend... and your still stranded on third base.

(Kevin) Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay? You're still a batboy.

(Jim) batboy. batboy.. (laughs) What are you talking about?

Now outside Dog Years:

(Jim) Guys, uh What exactly does third base feel like?

(Kevin) You wanna take this one?

(Oz) Like warm apple pie.

(Jim) Yeah)

(Oz) Yeah

(Jim) Apple pie, huh?

(Oz) Uh-huh.

(Jim) McDonald's or homemade?
-(Scooter Engine Starts)-

(Finch) Gentlemen, destiny awaits.
-(Engine Stalls)
-(Boys Chuckle)

Cut to party at Stiflers house:
rock song playing One Week by Barenaked Nadies:

(Stifler) (Doin' shots in the kitchen) That's number five and six for the Stif-meister! Yeah. (walking see's a hot girl and smacks her on the ass) Opps! (Continues walking through the house see's Nadia and steals a beer from somebody for her) Holy! H-hey! Nadia! Buenos dias. Glad you could make it. (hands her the beer he just stole) I'll be back for you later. (Door Bell Chimes) (Snapping fingers Stifler walks to get the door) Another party sultan! How ya doin'? Welcome to Stifler's Palace of Love, fellas. The Keg's back there! Enjoy! (now walking into another room he see's Jessica and Vicky) Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you. Glad you could make it. (turns away) Haha, bitches! (Walking away from Vicky and Jessica now Stifler see's Sherman) Sherman! (Sherman yells back, Hey! and raises his hand for a high five) What the fuck are you doin' here?

(Sherman) (walks over to Kevin and Jim who are talking)
Fellas! What's goin' on?

(Jim) Sherman. Not much. Just, uh, scopin' the babes.

(Sherman) Indeed! Some fine ladies here, boys.

(Jim) Uh-huh.

(Sherman) Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high. Sherman is movin' to DEFCON 2. Full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

(Jim) You have somethin' goin' tonight, Sherman?

(Sherman) You see that Central chick, Bernette?

(Jim) Um, no.
(Kevin) No.

(Sherman) She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time she experienced... the Shermanator.

(Kevin) Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.

(Sherman) I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time... to change the future for one lucky lady.

(Jim) Go get'em, tiger.

(Sherman) (Imitates Schwarzenegger) I'll be back!

(Kevin) Hopeless.

(Jim) Completely.

(Vicky) Hi

(Kevin) Hey, Vic.

(Jim) Oh, shit. Guys-- Guys-- There's Nadia and she just looked at me. She just looked at me.

(Kevin) Well, why don't you go talk to her?

(Jim) Yeah, you're right, Kev. I shoudl just go talk to her. Yeah, I could do that. Sure. Sure. (Clears Throat) Kev? Kev? Ke---

Jim walks to Nadia. The song At Last begins to play:

(Jim) hahaha, that's great! (tryin' to join the group conversation Nadia and her friends are having.) (Nervous Laugh) See ya later.

Cut to band geeks outside Stifler's house ringing doorbell:

(Michele) We're here for the party.

(Stifler) What party? There's no party. (Chuckles)

(Party guest) (drunk) Stifler! Party!

(Stifler) Weird. Try the house down the street.

Cut to Oz and College Chick in a car by a lake:

(Oz) So, what's your major?

(College Chick) Post-modern feminist thought.

(Oz) Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?

(College Chick) Sure.

(Oz) Yeah, it's just somethin' about the springtime that's just cool, you know? Like the smell of fresh rain or somethin'. Suck me, beautiful.

(College Chick) What did you just say?

(Oz) Suck me, beautiful.

(College Chick) (Laughs)

(Oz) My friends call me "Nova," as in Casanova.

(College Chick) That's pathetic (laughs again)

(Oz) Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

(College Chick) Well, there's just some things you need to learn, that's all.

(Oz) Like what?

(College Chick) Well, you've got to tone it down. You don't need to come to a place like Lookout Point... and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.

(Oz) Okay.

(College Chick) You have to pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal. Come on, Casanova, I'll take you back to your friends.

Cut to Kevin and Vicky in a bed at Stifler's party:

(Kevin) Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?

(Vicky) Tonight?

(Kevin) Yeah, it's such a perfect evening. I mean, it's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?

(Boy in the distance) Damn, my farts fuckin' stink!
(Boy 2) Dude, you gotta take a shit! You smell like a Yeti!

(Kevin) Or not.

(Vicky) Just relax.
(Zipper Unzips)

Cut to Oz, Jim and Stifler downstairs:

(Stifler) You actually said that?
(Laughs Hysterically)

(Oz) Shut up!

(Jim) You did a hell of alot better than I did with Nadia.

(Oz) Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great. That's really reassuring.

(Jim) Hey, no problem, 'Nova.

(Oz) Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore. I'm a-- I'm a fraud.

(Stifler) You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie. "Suck me, beautiful"! (Mocking Laugh)

Cut to Vicky and Kevin in the bedroom where Kevin is getting head:

(Vicky) Let me know.

(Kevin) Okay. Keep going.

Cut to Jim talking to a party guest:

(Jim) I should be able to talk to girls. I'm articulate. You know, I got a 720 on my S.A.T. verbal.

(Party guest) Bullshit. There's no way.

(Jim) I kid you not, man. Look. Listen. Copious. Verisimilitude.

Cut again to bedroom with Vicky and Kevin:

(Kevin) Now now....Ohh (Moaning and Grunting Kevin blows his load in a cup of beer by the bed while Vicky looks on)

(Stifler) Suck me, beautiful.

(Kevin) Damn it, Stifler.

(Stifler) Checkout time! Please, vacate the room.

(Vicky) You are such a jerk.

(Cute girl with Stifler) God, I can't believe how many cool people are at this party.

(Stifler) Yup. (Chuckles, Snaps Fingers)

(Cute girl) And you got a keg too! Wow!

(Stifler) Indeed.

(Cute girl) Oh, wait. I left my beer downstairs.

(Stifler) No. No. Here, babe! (hands her the beer Kevin blew his load in)

(Cute girl) (Giggles) Thanks.

(Stifler) You're really beautiful. Oh--

(Cute girl) Really?

(Stifler) (Sighs) Oh, yeah.

(Both giggle)
(Stifler takes the beer from the cute girl and begins to kiss her)
(Muffled Chuckle her the girl)

(Cute girl) You know what? I don't know if I want to be doing this.

(Stifler) Doing what?

(Cute girl) You know, like, if we hook up tonight, tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling all your friends about.

(Stifler) (Incredulous Chuckle) (looking away) No way!

(Cute girl) Steve, you could at least look at me when you say that!

(Stifler) (Sighs) Look. Sarah, I-- I wouldn't go telling stories or anything about you. I promise. So, just... relax, taek it slow... and let the good times roll.

(Cute girl) Okay.

(Stifler) All right.
(Stifler gulps the beer. After he swallows he realizes what it was he just drank and begins to hack)

(Cute girl) What's wrong? What's wrong? What is it?

Cut to Jim downstairs still talking to the same party guest about his S.A.T. scores:

(Jim) Xenophobic.

(Cute girl) (Screams in the distance) (Now running down the stairs whimpering) Oh! Oh! Oh!

(Jim) Regurgitation.

(Party guest) I know that one.

Cut to Vicky and Jessica talking at the party:

(Vicky) Kevin likes it.

(Jessica) He likes getting head. Gee, what a total shocker. What about you, Vicky? I mean, h-have you just never had one with Kevin.. or have you never had one, period?

(Vicky) I've had one. I think.

(Jessica) Okay. That's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex. You tell me you never even had one manually?

(Vicky) I've never tried it.

(Jessica) You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Cut to Stifler with his head in a toiler vomiting:

(Party guest) Ha-ha, nice!

(Jim) Jesus! Stifler, how much did you drink, man?

(Kevin) Hey, Stifler? How's the pale ale?

(Stifler) Fuck you! (Vomits more)

Cut to Kevin and Jim looking at a picture of Stifler's mom in the hallway:

(Kevin) That's Stifler's mom?

(Jim) Yup. Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman like this produced a guy like Stifler.

(Random Party Guest) Dude, that chick's a "MILF"

(Random Party Guest 2) What the hell is that?

(Random Party Guest) M-I-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck.

(Random Party Guest 2) Yeah, dude! Oh-ho, yeah!

(Together) Yeah! MILF! MILF! MILF!

(Sherman) Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys. Come here.

(Jim) Sherman, what's goin' on?

(Sherman) Yeah uh--Don't you think you fellas could try a little tact? I got company, if you know what I mean? She's hot!

(Sherman slams the door closed on Jim and Kevin)

(Kevin) If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

(Jim) Sherman? (Chuckles) The Shermanator?
(Both Laugh) Come on, man.

Random Party Guest 1 and 2 still stand near the picture of Stifler's mom saying MILF! MILF!
Random Party Guest 1 begins to lick the picture.

(Random Party Guest 2) Dude, hey, dude. What are you doin' to her, dude?
Oh, my God, bro, dude.

(Kevin) Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.

(Vicky) That's nice. Really, really nice. Can I have a ride?

(Jessica) Sure.

(Kevin) Vicky, wait.

(Vicky) Not for you.

(Party guest in the background) Yeti! I am the Yeti!

Cut to the next morning after the party:

(Finch) Good morning, gentlemen.

(Jim) Finch. where were you last night, huh? what happened to that foolproof plan of yours?

(Finch) Well, I was going for a fashionably-late entrance and I was too late. So, no ladies left.

(Sherman) It was a very special night, very special.

(Jim) Guys. Guys.

(Sherman) I'll never forget this.

(Central Chick) Oh, I'll never forget it, either.

(Sherman) Thank you.

They hug.

(Central Chick) Well, bye.

(Sherman) Bye.

(Central Chick) Bye.

(Sherman) Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I... am now a man. I highly recommend you join the club. We were doin' the wild thing.. all night. I'm exhausted.

(Kevin) I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that?

(Sherman) It was just my time. It was just my time. Best of luck to you boys.

(Jim) I cannot believe this.

(Finch) Come on, guys. You know, we shoudl be happy for Sherman. (Sigh) No, we shoudln't be.

(Kevin) You know, I put in months of quality time with Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores. This is just wrong.

(Oz) No Shit. How the hell am I suppose to become Mr. Sensitive Man?

(Jim) You know, we're all gonna go to college as virgins. You realize this, right? I mean, they probably have special dorms for people like us.

(Kevin) All right. I got an idea. But it's got to stay between us. It's really simple. We just got to make an agreement. Er, nah. It's--It's more than an agreement.

(Jim) What? A bet?

(Kevin) A pact. No money involved. More important than any bet. Here's the deal. We all get laid before we graduate.

(Oz) Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.

(Kevin) Think about when you work out, Oz. You gotta have someone there, right? Someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated. Well, that's exactly what we can do for each other. I mean, we'll be there to keep each other on track. Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable, but together, we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

(Jim) Their tiger-style king foo is strong. But our dragon-style will defeat it.

(Kevin) Guys!

(Oz) The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite! Fight, and find out who is number one.

(Kevin) Guys! Come on. You're ruining my moment here. This is our very manhood at stake. We must made a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy.

(Jim) Amen!
(Finch) I like it.

(Kevin) We will make a stand. We will succeed.

(Oz) Bout time!

(Kevin) We will get laid!!!

(All together) Yeah!

(Kevin) Now, the sex: It's got to be valid, consensual sex. No prostitutes. That's what you're thinkin', Finch.

(Jim)(Laughs) Busted.

(Kevin) So, basically, prom is our last chance.

(Oz) Oh, dude. Prom sucks.

(Kevin) I know, but you gotta think about it this way. I mean, all the parties afterwards? The chicks are going to wantto do it.

This script was typed word for word by Chris Spirito buffdadde@home.com webmaster of Warm Apple Pie

(Jim) Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's like tradition or something.

(Finch) The Rose Bowl.

(Kevin) So, that gives us--

(Jim) Exactly three weeks to the day.

(Finch) We're gonna go this.

(Kevin) Allright, to the next step!

(All together) Next step!

Song by Harvey Danger called Flagpole Sitta begins to play:

No talkin for about 2 minutes. Jim is shown helping Kevin find a flower store in the yellow pages to patch things up with Vicky. Finch is shown playin mini golf. Jim is shown setting up an online dating service account and has a internet video camera hooked up on his desk. Oz is shown watching a TV show on how to make decorative pots for flowers. Kevin is now shown along with Vicky at her locker and he asks her if she got the flowers. Jim is now shown checking his online dating profile to see if he got any responses and he didn't. The scene ends with Kevin handing out boxes of condoms to Oz, Finch and Jim. Jim keeps motioning for Kevin to hand him more and more boxes of condoms.

(Jessica)Don't worry. You'll get her back soon enough.

(Kevin) You think so?

(Jessica) Sure, she likes you.

(Kevin) Well, I like her too.

(Jessica) Do you love her?

(Kevin) Um, you know what? You can't really ask me that.

(Jessica) Well, if you want to get her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her. That's how I was duped.

(Kevin) Look, Jessica, I-I don't want to dupe her.

(Jessica) All right. What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons. You have to give her what she's never had.

(Kevin) What's that?

(Jessica) Let me give you a hint. (Orgasmic Moans) Ohh, Kev! Uhh. Yeah. Comprende?

(Kevin) You mean an orgasm.

(Jessica) You got it, stud!

(Kevin) Well, you know, I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've given her a---

(Jessica) No, you haven't.

(Kevin) Well, there was one time---

(Jessica) No.

(Kevin) Oh, man.

(Jessica) Look, kid, it's up to you. The big "L" or the big "O".

(Stifler) Dickhead! You gotta see this.

(Vocal Group) Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart.. Ooh, ooh. How the music can free her whenever it starts and it's magic if the music is groovy it makes you feel happy...

(Stifler) What did you cocks do to him?

(Vocal Group) like an old time movie. I'll tell you about the magic it'll free your soul.. Ooh, ooh, ooh.. but's it like tryin' to tell a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll.

(Teacher) Great. See you next time.

(Oz) Hey, guys. Came to watch me in action?

(Jim) Yeah. I-I think you sounded pretty good.

(Stifler) Yeah man. I think you need your balls reattached.

(Oz) Hey, keep it down, dude.

(Stifler) What the fuck are you doing here?

(Oz) This place is an untapped resource. I mean, check it out. These vocal jazz girls are hot.

(Vocal Jazz Girl) Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late?

(Vocal Jazz Girl 2) Maybe he's preparing for another senior year at East?

(Heather) You guys, we don't even know him.

(Stifler) You dipshit! Your expecting to score with some goody-goody choirgirl priss?

(Oz) These chicks don't know me. I can work the sensitive angle here, fellas! You know, it's just like that college chick told me. All that ya gotta do is just ask'em questions and listen to what they have to say and shit.

(Stifler) I don't know, man. That sounds like alot of work!

Cut to Jim in his bedroom playing/looking with/at the condom's Kevin gave to him. There is a knock at his door.

(Jim) Uh, just a second! (throws condoms in draw by the bed) Come in. Come in.

(Jim's Dad) Oh, Jim, you're here. Uh, I was just walking by your room and uh-- And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy, it's been a long time since we've had a little father-son, uh-uh, chat." Oh! I almost forgot. I, uh, I bought some magazines. Do you just want to flip to the center section? Well, this is the--- this is the, uh, female form. And they have focused on the breasts, uh, which are used primarily to, uh, feed young infants...and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay.

(Jim) Right.

(Jim's Dad) This is, uh-- This is Hustler. And this is a much more exotic magazine. Now, they have decided to focus on the, uh, pubic region--

(Jim) Right. Uh-huh.

(Jim's Dad) The whole groin area. Look at the expression on her face. You see that? See what's she's doing? She's kind of looking right into your eyes saying, "Hey, big boy. Hey how ya doin'?" You see?

(Jim) Right.

(Jim's Dad) Shaved is a magazine I'm not too familiar with, but, again, if you flip to the center....section... Well, you see the detail that, uh, that they go into in this picture here.

(Jim) Uh-huh. Yeah.

(Jim's Dad) It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...underwater.. thing.

(Jim) Yeah. Yes.

(Jim's Dad) Do you know what a clitoris is?

(Jim) Oh, my God.

(Jim's Dad) Well, don't say, "Oh..."

(Jim) Yes, I know what a clitoris is.

(Jim's Dad) Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do. I forgot you've been there and back. You know everything--

(Jim) I've learned about it in Sex Ed..

(Jim's Dad) I'm trying to make this painless...

(Jim) I really don't need you to talk about clitoris. You know what? I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.

(Jim's Dad) No-no-no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have got hot there. Well, you know what I'm gonna do, Jim. I'm going to just leave these books here for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh-- atyour leisure.

Dad opens draw and see's all the condoms Jim has.

(Jim) Wait! (groans)

(Jim's Dad) Well, safer than a tube sock. Okay, that-- That was good.

(Jim) Yeah.

(Jim's Dad) See you at dinner.

(Jim) Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.

As Jim's Dad walks away there is a condom stuck to his butt from when he sat down on Jim's bed.

Cut to Finch playin' mini golf outside the school.

(Kevin) So, Finch, this is your plan? You know I don't think girls are into the whole mini-golf thing.

(Finch) Kevin. I'm sure that they're not. Actually, there is one small matter that I need to ask for your cooperation in. In the spirit of this whole pact, you know?

(Kevin) Sure, what do you need?

(Finch) Whatever you hear about me, you agree. And tell all the boys the same thing. Look, I gotta go. Sixteen minutes round-trip.

(Kevin) You know, Finch, it's--it's senior year. I mean, don't you think it's time you learned to take a dump at school?

(Finch) When was the last time you looked at the facilities in this school?

Finch leaves. Cut to three girls standing by Kevin.

(Cute Girl) Excuse me. Uh, that's Paul Finch, right?

(Kevin) Yeah.

(Cute Girl) Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right?

(Kevin) Uh, yeah.

(Cute Girl) So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true? You know, that he's equipped.

(Kevin) I have no idea. Finch showers with his bathing suit on. I mean, uh... As a matter of fact, it is true. The guy's huge!

(Cute Girl) Does he have a date for the prom yet?

(Kevin) No, definitely not.

(Cute Girl) All right. Thanks.

(Kevin) Oh, man!

Cut to Kevin's house where Kevin is on the phone with his older brother.

(Kevin) So I was thinking maybe you coul give me some advice, brother to brother. I thought you might know a trick or somethin' to make her..

(Kevin's Brother) Orgasm?

(Kevin) Yeah.

(Guy in restaurant) What's good here?

(Kevin's Brother) Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

(Kevin) What? How do you do that?

(Kevin's Brother) Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention. Is that all that you're interested in, tryin' to get your girl into bed?

(Kevin) No, it'd be good to be able to, you know, return the favor. Be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.

(Kevin's Brother) See that? That's good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.

(Kevin) Qualify for what?

(Kevin's Brother) My man, you've just inherited the Bible.

Cut to Kevin in the school library with his Brother's voice in the background. Kevin is bending over and lifting part of a wooden bookcase to find the Sex Bible.

(Kevin's Brother) It originally started as a sex manual, this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam. And each year it got passed on to one East student who was worthy. Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years. But you have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year. All right. So now you know. Good luck.

Cut to choir singing at school in class:

(Choir) If you believe in magic... Ooh, magic... Don't you bother to choose if it's just band music or rhythm and blues just go and listen it will start with a smile that won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try. Your feet start tappin' and you can't seem to find how you got there. Do you believe in magic.

(Oz) Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo scooby-dooby dooby-dooby do bah yeah magic.

(Teacher) What was that?

(Oz) Uh, sorry.

(Teacher) No, it was good.

(Oz) Well, it, uh-- It came from the heart.

(Teacher) Well, keep it coming. All right, people, good work! Now, don't forget. The state competition's a couple of weeks away, so keep on it, okay?

(Heather) Not bad, Chris.

(Oz) Really? Thanks, uh, Heather, right?

(Heather) Yeah (Chuckles) So you've got this sort of Frank Sinatra thing going on.

(Oz) (Chuckles) Right. I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me. I mean, uh, music is so expressive.

(Heather) (Chuckles) Okay. I mean, I agree, but... aren't you suppose to be out, like, trying to decapitate someone with your lacrosse stick or something?

(Oz) Oh, sure. Sure. You know, I know what people think. It's like, "Oz, he's just this kick-ass lacrosse player." You know, I also play football, by the way, but that's, like, that's not all that I am, you know?

(Heather) Of course, I didn't--

(Oz) I mean, it really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.

(Heather) You? You think I don't get that? God, it's like just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend that people say, "Oh, look. There's this Goody Two Shoes choirgirl priss."

(Oz) Yeah. So, like, what else do you do?

(Heather) Well, the same things you do, like hang out with friends and stuff. Why? What do you think I do?

(Oz) Oh, I--I just realized that I don't know anything about you. I was interested.

(Heather) Oh, well, what do you want to know?

(Oz) You know, stuff... about you.

(Heather) All right.

Cut to Jim coming home from school. Nobody is home and mom left a nice fresh Apple Pie for Jim on the kitchen counter.

(Jim) Mom, I'm home!

Jim see's a note next to the pie which reads: Jim- Apple- you're favorite!!! I'll be home late. Enjoy! Mom <3

Porno music from the 70's begins to play. Jim is thinking about what Oz told him 3rd base feels like. Jim starts to finger the pie. Jim removes his fingers and laughs to himself he is thinking about humping the pie.

Cut to outside the house where Jim's dad has arrived home from work.

Cut to Jim now on top of the pie moaning rocking back and forth.

(Jim) (moaning continues) Oh, yeah. Oh!

Jim's dad walks in and see's Jim screwing the pie on the kitchen counter.

(Jim's Dad) (Gasps) Jim!

(Jim) It's not what it looks like.

Cut to Jim and his dad sitting at the kitchen table with the humped pie sitting on the table all broken and destroyed.

(Jim's Dad) well, we'll just tell your mother that, uh-- that, uh-- we ate it all.

Cut to Kevin reading the Sex Bible in his room.
Page 1: Know your enemy...Dildo's Page 2: Sexual Positions Page 3: The Famous Tongue Tornado

Cut to a lacrosse game at the school:

Stifler passes to Oz, Oz passes to some other guy, that guy passes back to Oz and Oz scores while Heather watches on from the side..(Whistle Blows) (Cheering)

(P.A. Announcer) Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.

Cut to both teams lined up walking past each other shaking hands. Nice game. Nice game. Nice game.

(Oz) Hey, what are you doin' here?

(Heather) Just enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience. You kicked butt.

(Oz) Oh, thanks.

(Heather) Um, Chris--

(Oz) Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.

(Heather) Do I have to?

(Oz) You can call me Ostreicher.

(Heather) What's your middle name?

(Oz) Nah, forget it.

(Heather) Come on. I won't tell anyone.

(Oz) Well, neither will I.

(Heather) Okay. Um. So, I had this thought and-- It may seem like it's way out of left field. I don't know if you can, but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--

(Stifler) Those guys sucked ass! Choir chick, what the hell are you doing here?

(Heather) Well, uh, I was asking Chris to prom. So, do you want to go?

(Oz) Oh, yeah! That would be great.

(Stifler) Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo!

(Oz) Stifler, fuck! I mean-- Why do you got to be so insensitive all the time?

(Stifler) What? Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget. My cottage after prom. On Lake Michigan. (Chuckles) Hey, wait up, you pussies. Where you goin'?

(Oz) Ah, well, I gotta--I gotta hit the showers now, but I think this is gonna be really, really good.

(Heather) Yeah. Me too.

(Oz) All right.

(Heather) Bye.

(Oz) Bye. Bye.

Oz walks back to team while Heather walks off the field:

(Stifler) 'Appenin' Oz! Working with the choir chick?

(Oz) What d'ya say fellas? I just dig those cute little sweaters she wears.

(Stifler) Nuts you do, you little horn dog.

Heather hears the talking on the field an turns around:

(Stifler) (does the spank my ass dance) Yeah! Yeah, baby! Spank me! Spank me! Hit that high "C." (Falsetto) Ahhhhhhh. Come on! What's goin' on here?

Teams laughs all the while Heather watches on.

Cut to Kevin talking to Vicky while she is walking home.

(Kevin) I was being selfish and majorly insensitive. I'm a-- I'm a total idiot. I mean, a fool, a buffoon.

(Vicky) I think shithead really says it.

(Kevin) You know what? You're right. I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.

(Vicky) Oh, yeah? How?

Cut to Vicky's bedroom. Vicky is laying on her back on her bed with her legs spread. Kevin is at the end of the bed givin her oral pleasure.

(Vicky) (Moaning) Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh!

Hole's Celebrity Skin begins to play.

(Kevin) Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.

(Vicky) Kevin, don't stop!

This script was typed word for word by Chris Spirito buffdadde@home.com webmaster of Warm Apple Pie

(Kevin) Just a second.

Kevin reaches under Vicky's bed and pulls out the sex bible. It is open to the page teaching you how to preform "The Tongue Tornado."

(Vicky) (Moans)

Cut to Vicky's kitchen where her mom and dad are getting dinner made.

(Vicky's Mom) Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper?

Cut to Vicky back in her room:

(Vicky) (Screams) Holy shit!

(Kevin) Shh. You know there's no lock on your door?

Cut to Vicky's Dad walking up the stairs in the house to Vicky's room. Right as he gets to Vicky's room he hears what is going on inside the room and he turns around and goes back downstairs.

(Vicky) Ohh! I'm coming! I'm coming!

Cut to Jim's house where Jim is walking out of his bedroom and he bunps into his Dad.

(Jim's Dad) Oh, Jim!

(Jim) Dad.

(Jim's Dad) Hi, I was just looking at the old family portrait out here. Well, that was a fun day wasn't it?

(Jim) Oh, yeah.

(Jim's Dad) Yeah. Jim, I want to talk about masturbation. Now, I just want you to know that it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing. And I have to admit, uh, you know. I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger. I, uh-- I used to call it "stroking the salami."

(Jim) (Groans)

(Jim's Dad) Yeah, you know, "pounding the ol' pud." I never did it with baked goods. But you know your Uncle Mort? He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day. See, it's like, uh, practice for the big game. You see? It's like-- It's like... banging a tennis ball against a brick wall. Which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

(Jim) Right.

(Jim's Dad) It's not a game.

(Jim) No.

(Jim's Dad) What you want is you want a partner to return the ball. Do you want a partner?

(Jim) Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.

(Jim's Dad) You do want a partner?

(Jim) Oh, I want a partner.

(Jim's Dad) Want a partner.

(Jim) Of course.

(Jim's Dad) Good. Good.

Cut to Jim in class along with Kevin, Finch and Oz.

(Teacher) So, once Hal becomes king, he has to take on the responsibilities of leadership and turn his back on his old drunken friend, Falstaff. You see, Hal is going through a... rite of passage, much like you all are. So make the most of the time you've got left together. You'll miss it later. (Teacher continues)

(Oz) So does your tongue cramp up?

(Kevin) Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.

(Jim) Wow. That's amazing. She's probably gonna want to do it soon.

(Bell Rings)

(Teacher) All right. Class dismissed.

(Sherman) Still questing after the Holy Grail, huh, guys?

(Jim) Hey, uh, where's Finch?

(Kevin) Oh, he went home to take a shit.

The guys all chuckle

(Jim) I don't get it. I just don't. How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?

(Oz) What reputation?

(Jim) Observe. Ex-Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch is?

(Courtney) Yeah! He's the guy with the tattoo, right? You know, the eagle and the blazing fire and that stuff.

The guys chuckle.

(Courtney) Well, um, if you see him later, will you tell him Courtney says hi? Bye

(Oz) (scoffs) Okay. Explain.

(Kevin) I can't. I don't know how he doing it. I, uh-- I guess that just leaves Jim trailing.

(Oz) Aw, Jimbo!

(Kevin) Better sack up, buddy!

(Jim) Yeah, I know. I'm working on it, all right?

(Nadia) James? You are very good in the world history class, yes?

(Jim) Me? Y-Yes. No, uh--

(Oz and Kevin) (Mouthing Words/Yes, Yeah)

(Jim) Yes, I am.

(Nadia) Perhaps you could help me with my studies.

(Jim) Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Tha-Tha-Tha--That would be-- That would be great sometime. How about tomorrow?

(Nadia) Well, I have ballet practice. Perhaps I could come by your house afterwards? I could change clothes at your place.

(Jim) Oh. Uh... yeah. I suppose that would be okay. Sure.

Cut to Heather pulling up to school in her car. Oz is waiting sitting under a tree for her. As she pulls into a spot Oz stands up to greet her.

(Oz) Nice car!

(Heather) I'm glad you think so.

(Oz) You don't like it?

(Heather) No, I like the car. By the way, though, about prom? That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.

(Oz) What are you talin' about?

(Heather) Please. I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with. But you are just a jock. No, wait. You're a jerk.

(Oz) Wait! I don't understand.

(Heather) I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.

(Oz) Heather, I wasn't makin' fun of you.

(Heather) Gimme a break. You're so full of it.

Cut to the library in school:

(Stifler) Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house. And you're not gonna do anything about that?

(Jim) What am I gonna do, huh? Broadcast her over the Internet?

(Stifler) Yeah.

(Kevin) You can do that?

(Jim) (Scoffs) No. I cannot do that to her.

(Stifler) Jim, get some fuckin' balls. If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sleep with one?

(Finch) I don't like the kid, but he's got a point.

(Stifler) See, even shit-brick knows you should do it. Now, all you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the "Net" and tell me the address.

(Kevin) You can send me the address too. I'll save you a seat.

Cut to choir in school singing:

(Choir) How sweet it is to be loved by you, by you.

(Heather singing solo) I needed the shelter of someone's arms.

(Choir) Someone's arms.

(Heather singing solo) There you were.

(Choir) You were oh,

(Heather singing solo) I needed someone who understands me ups and downs.

(Choir) Ups and downs.

(Heather singing solo) There you were.

(Choir Teacher) Okay, that was good, but I want to thicken-up that solo. Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.

(Heather) Yeah, I know, my timing's off.

(Choir Teacher) No, it's not that. I think it'll work better as a duet with a tenor part.

(Oz) I'll do it.

The guy standing next to Oz wanted to do it but Oz beat him to it so he whispers to Oz, "Dick."

(Oz) I'll do it.

(Choir Teacher) Great. See you tomorrow.

(Heather) Why are you doing this?

(Oz) Cause I want to.

(Heather) Yeah? Well, you can't fake this. You better practice.

Cut to Jim at home using his computer. Jim is using the NetBot email service to send the address to see Nadia via his webcam naked to his friends. Jim adjusts the webcam so that his bed and door way are in frame. There is a knock at Jim's door.

(Jim) Come in.

(Jim's Dad) Jim? There's a, uh-- a young lady here to see you.

(Jim) Hey, Nadia.

(Nadia) Hi James. Ready to study?

(Jim's Dad) Oh, he's always ready to study. He's a real bookworm, this kid.

(Jim) Dad.

(Jim's Dad) That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--

(Jim) Dad!

(Jim's Dad) Well, I'll-- I'll let you two hit the books.

Cut to Kevin and Finch watching Jim and Nadia on the computer at Kevin's house.

(Kevin) You want a beer?

Finch raises his hand to signal no.

(Kevin) Oh, there we go.

Cut to Stifler's house:

(Stifler's Little Brother) Come on, move! Steve! It's my computer! And I wanna use it!

(Stifler) Shut up!

Cut back to Jim's room:

(Jim) Oh, you need to-- You need to change, right?

(Nadia) Uhh, do you mind?

(Jim) No. N-No, not at all. Uh, please, you know. Just go ahead and get un-- get changed. (clears throat) I'll, uh-- I'll go downstairs and start studying up. (chuckles) Yeah.

(Nadia) Okay.

Cut back to Kevin's:

(Finch) Oh--

(Kevin) All right, there he goes. Now, we're in business.

Back to Jim's house were he is running down the stairs past his parents and out the door.

(Jim) Back in a sec.

(Jim's Mom) Jimmy, honey, wh--

Music by Blink 182 plays as Jim runs down the street to Kevin's

(Jim) Did I miss anything?

(Kevin) No. You are just in time.

(Boys Groaning) Oh. Ohh!

(Kevin) This is incredible.

(Jim) Oh, my God! This is too much.

(Finch) Oh, did you see? Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez. God bless the Internet.

(Jim) Ai-yi-yi.

(Finch) Do it take it off.

(Jim) Oh, my God.

Nadia now removes her bra.

(Boys Together) Ohhhh!

(Jim) Oh, thank you, God, for this wonderful, wonderful day.

(Finch) She takes her vitamins.

(Jim) (Sighs)

(Finch) Stop hyperventilating.

Nadia is not getting dressed right away she looks in the mirror at her body and then begins to do a little dance and smacks her belly a few times lightly.

Cut to Stifler's:

(Stifler's Little Brother) This is like, the coolest thing I've ever seen.

(Stifler) I know.

Both Stifler brothers snicker together.

Cut back to Kevin's:

(Jim) Can you believe-- This is definitely one of Stifler's best ideas ever.

On the computer Nadia is moving towards Jim's dresser where Jim keeps his porno.

(Jim) What is she--She's touching my stuff. Why is she touching my stuff?

(Finch) Man, let her touch.

(Jim) She's going through my stuff!

(Finch) Nadia can touch anything she wants.

Nadia begins to look at Jim's porno magazines.

(Finch) Oh.

(Jim) Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no.

(Kevin) Oh, nice collection there, Jim.

(Jim) She's gonna leave. She's definitely gonna-- She's getting comfortable. She's not gonna leave.

(Finch) She reads the articles.

Nadia is reading one of the dirty magazines and begins to rub herself. The guys watch and moan while watching this. Nadia is getting into this and begins to move her hand slowly down towards her pubic region.

(Finch) Is she? She's goin' downstairs.

Nadia is moaning while masturbating on Jim's bed now.

(Finch) Oh, my God!

(Jim) Jackpot, baby! Can you believe thsi?

(Finch) Nadia, I would have never known.

(Jim) I have an announcement that I would like to make. There is a gorgeous woman.. masturbating on my bed!

(Finch) Thank you, Nadia!

(Kevin) If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.

(Jim) (scoffs) What am I supposed to do, Kev?

(Finch) Seduce her.

(Jim) Wha-- What the hell would I say?

(Kevin) Go over there and ask her if she needs an extra hand.

(Jim) That's stupid, Kev. I can't--

(Kevin) That's not stupid! You're stupid if you don't go! Come on! Get over there! Get goin' man. She's prime.

(Finch) Get out of here.

(Kevin) She's waitin' for you.

(Jim) Okay, all right. I'm goin'.

(Finch and Kevin) Go!

(Jim) I'm goin'!

(Kevin) Go! Go! Go! Go!

(Jim) Oh, shit.

Jim is now running back to his house. Blink 182 is playing.

(Jim) Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

(Jim) (outside his bedroom door) Oh, boy. Oh, God. oh, crap. Oh, no.

Cut to Kevin's room again where the phone rings.

(Kevin) Hello?

(Sherman) Looks like Jim addressed the e-mail wrong.

(Kevin) What?

(Sherman) It went out to every mailbox in the East High directory. God how juvenile.

Cut to Blink 182 playing in a garage one of their friends is sittin' at a desk and calls them over.

(Friend of Blick 182) Check this out! Oh, my God! Wow!

Cut to random kids sittin' by their computers watching Nadia on their computers.

(Jim) (still outside his door) Please, God, let this be it. Please?

(Guy watching on computer) S-Somebody's goin' in there.

(Finch) Here you go. That's what you need to do.

(Guy with Blink 182) That guy's in my trig class.

(Blink 182 member) Oh, no.

(Jim) Looks like you could use an extra hand.

(Nadia) Jim!

(Jim) Well-- Oh, God.

(Nadia) Shame on you.

(Jim) Yeah, shame on me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go.

(Nadia) Well, you have seen me. Now, its my turn to see you. Strip!

(Jim) Strip?

(Nadia) Slowly.

(Jim) Uh, you mean, like, strip strip?

(Nadia) For me.

(Finch) What is he talkin' to her about?

(Kevin) Uh, no idea.

(Finch) Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.

Nadia picks up Jim's radio and turns it on. The song playing during the remainder of this scene is called Callin' You.

(Nadia) Perfect! Move, James! Move!

(Jim) Yeah, yeah. Move.

(Blink 182 member) Go, trigboy! It's yer birthday!

Jim takes off his button down shirt and puts it down. Next Jim removes his t-shirt and swings it over his head and throws it on top of the vid cam on the computer covering it up so nobody can watch.

(Blink 182 member) No! No. No. Please, God.

(Finch) What's goin' on?

The t-shirt slips off the computer and falls to the ground now everything can be seen on the net again. Jim doesn't realize this he is dancing for Nadia still.

(Kevin) Yes!

(Blink 182 member) All right. Get in the mix!

(Finch) See there.

(Kevin) Oh, okay.

Nadia is reading a dirty magazine not even watching Jim.

(Finch) This is disgusting.

(Stifler) What the fuck is this?

Stifler's little brother is dancing like Jim.

(Stifler) Cut it out, man!

Stifler backhands his brother and he falls to the ground.

Jim is now taking his pants off.

(Nadia) Yeah.

Jim trips and falls taking them off.

Nadia Laughs and the camera cuts to a bunch of girls watching a computer laughing as well.

Jim now stands up and takes the pants and swings them over one shoulder then whip's them forward and inbetween his legs where he begins to pull them in and out between his legs. Some computer geek is watching and calls Jim a "Freak." Jim now pulls out the chair from his desk.

(Finch) Did not just take out that chair.

(Kevin) Yup, he took out the chair.

(Nadia) More, more, you bad boy!

(Jim) (Now humping the chair) Oh, yeah, I'mnaughty. I'm naughty, baby. Hyah! (Slapping his own ass)

A guy and his friends are watching they groan at the site of Jim dancing and one guys says, "Ohh, God!"

Blink 182 are still watching what is going on and they have a small monkey with them. The monkey mimic's Jim and begins to smack it's hand on one of the guys.

(Nadia) Now, come to me.

(Jim) Oh, yeah.

(Finch) Here we go.

(Kevin) He's in.

(Stifler) This just got a hell of a lot better.

(Nadia) Be gentle.

(Jim) Okay.

Jim's hand slides up Nadia's leg. Jim begins to get soooo turned on by this that he blows his load in his panys at the mere touch of Nadia's skin.

(Jim) Uh-- Oh.

(Nadia) Jim?

(Jim) Oh! Oh, no.

(Kevin & Finch) Oh, no.

(Blink 182) Oh. Ohh!

(Blink 182 member) Liftoff aborted. Houston we have a problem.

(Stifler's Little Brother) what happened? What did he do?

(Stifler) He blew it.

(Nadia) I guess I'll be going now.

(Jim) No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia. I've, uh-- I've got reserves. Nadia, please, please. I'm begging you.

This script was typed word for word by Chris Spirito buffdadde@home.com webmaster of Warm Apple Pie

(Nadia) Well, I do like your dirty magazines.

(Jim) You do? Okay. Well. Um. Did-Did-- Did you see this one? This here is your-- is your more, uh, exotic, risque magazine.

(Kevin) He's pullin' out the porn.

(Finch) He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

(Jim) Very arousing women. They arouse me-- (Clears Throat) They arouse me very, very much. But, uh-- But not as arousing as you.

(Nadia) Awww Jim.

Nadia lays down on top of Jim and begins to kiss him.

(Kevin and Finch) Yes!

(Blink 182) Yes! Alright!

(Guy with group of friend) He's ruining daisy! Whoo!

(Nadia) (While pulling panties off) So, uh, "shaved" is the expression?

(Jim, Finch, Kevin, Guy w/ friend and Blink 182) Holy Shit!

(Nadia) Touch me Jim.

Jim rubs his hand on Nadias mid section. Nadia grabs Jim's hand.

(Nadia) Here. (Moving Jim's hand to her vagina)

(Jim) (Gasps and groans) Oh. Oh.

(Group of girls watching) Again?

(Jim) Not again.

(Computer geek) Not again, man!

(Finch) Is that possible?

(Sherman) What a loser.

Cut to school the next day. The school bell rings and Jim is walking alone to class through the courtyard of the school. People are mocking him and laughing at him.

Cut now to Heather walking in the halls of school. She pauses as she hears Oz's voice singing. She walks to the choir room to see Oz singing. Heather watches with a smile on her face and then turns away.

(Oz) I needed someone to understand my ups and downs. There you were. With sweet love and devotion. Deeply touching my emotion. I just wanna stop and thank you, baby.

Cut to Jim walking in the halls of school now.

(Kevin) Hey, minute man!

(Jim) Shut up. You know-- You know you're supposed to be supportive.

(Oz) Hey, you think you still got a chance with Nadia?

(Jim) No. Her sponsors here saw the thing on the 'Net. I-I really don't think they liked it.

(Kevin) How do you know that?

(Jim) She's already on a plane back home.

(Kevin and Oz) (Groan)

(Jim) Yeah. You know, guys? Maybe I'm just not good with girls, period. No-no-no, really. Like-- Like I was born without that part of the brain. I mean, I can't talk to girls. And when I do talk to them, I screw it up.

(Kevin) Yeah, well, come prom those excuses aren't going to do you any good.

Cut to Jim in class now talking with Band Geek Michelle

(Jim) (sighs)

(Michelle) And one time at band camp, we weren't supposed to have pillow fights, but we had a pillow fight, and it was so much fun. A-And this one time, we all lost our music and we were supposed to play this song, but we didn't know it, so we just made it up and we kept playing and playing, and the conductor didn't know what we were doing, and it was so funny. So, you're pissed about somethin', huh.

(Jim) (Scoffs)

(Michelle) You know what I do when I'm angry? I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing. I learned to do that at band camp.

(Jim) Hold on, uh-- You have no idea why I'm angry?

(Michelle) Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.

(Jim) (laughs) Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

(Michelle) I thought so... because this one time at band camp--

(Jim) W-What's your name?

(Michelle) Michelle.

(Jim) O-Okay. Michelle, um-- (Chuckles) Do you want to be my date for the prom?

(Michelle) Really? You seriously want to go with me?

(Jim) Yes. Seriously.

(Michelle) Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? Because that would be so cool.

(Jim) Sure, whatever you want.

(Michelle) Cool! We're gonna have such a good time. It'll be like this one time at band camp when we all had a campfire--

Cut to Oz at his dad's sandwich shop working late at night.

(Knock at the door) It's Heather. Oz opens the door.

(Heather) Hi.

(Oz) How'd you know I was here?

(Heather) Stifler told me.

(Oz) Talked to Stifler?

(Heather) Well, I needed to find you. We're gonna have to work on that song.

(Oz) Okay. I'm glad you came by.

(Heather) So you work nights?

(Oz) My dad's the manager.

(Heather) Really? Cool. Tell him the subs are great.

(Oz) (while making a sandwich for Heather) So you're going to Michigan next year?

(Heather) Yeah. My parents want me to go to Northwestern, but I don't wanna write all those extra essays they make you do. I mean, how am I supposed to know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was? So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in December, I just said the hell with it.

(Oz) Onions?

(Heather) What?

(Oz) You, uh, want onions?

(Heather) Oh, no, thank you. So what are you gonna major in?

(Oz) State's got a good business school, and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.

(Heather) Well, you've probably got it prettyfigured out, then, huh?

(Oz) I mean, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome, but.. what am I gonna be, a professional lacrosse player? I really have no idea.

(Heather) Thank God. I thought I was the only one.

(Oz) Well, you're not.

(Heather) So we're gonna be close next year.

(Oz) You mean East Lansing and Ann Arbor?

(Heather) Yeah. (Chuckling)

Cut to school again where Stifler is talking to a girl in the school's stair well.

(Stifler) What are you talkin' about?

(Girl) I can't go to the prom with you. I'm holding out for someone else.

(Stifler) (Laughing) You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

(Girl) I know it's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me.

(Stifler) Finch. Shit-brick.

(Girl) Oh, gosh. I-I forgot. (stammering) You look okay. I-I mean, the scars healed really well.

(Kevin) Hey, Stifler.

(Stifler) Eat shit.

(Kevin) what was that all about?

(Girl) He's still embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass.

(Kevin) Who told you that?

Cut to Kevin and Jessica in the lunch line at school.

(Kevin) What do you mean, "no comment"? Did you two hook up or something?

(Jessica) What, are you kidding? No.

(Kevin) Then how did all this get started?

(Jessica) Well, I guess it's all right for me to tell you now. That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. Cheese, please. Finch comes up to me and says, "Jessica, I need your help with this, blah, blah, etcetera." So I said, "All right. Pay me 200 bucks, and I'll tell a couple of girls that you're dynamite in bed." So he did, and I did.

(Kevin) That actually works?

(Jessica) Well, duh! Of course. Naturally, I embellished a little bit. Did you hear that Finch had an affair with an older woman?

(Kevin) (Chuckling) No, I didn't hear that one.

(Jessica) That one was my favorite.

(Cut to the shower/loacker room for the Lacrosse team)

(Stifler) (laughing) Do that cheerleader.

(Oz) (singing) Thank you, baby..

(Stifler) She wants me. She calls me up--

(Oz) (singing) How sweet it is to be loved by you.

(Stifler) asks me for my number. She wants me. Oh, my God, you're gay!

(Oz) Oh come on sing it with me. You know the words.

(Stifler) No, thanks, man. You've been singin' that shit all week. I'm tellin' you, if you try that at M.S.U. this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.

(Oz) Our last game is this Saturday.

(Stifler) (snickers) Yeah, well, shit.

Cut to Oz breaking the news to Heather about the big game Saturday.

(Oz) I've got this lacrosse game. It's really important. It's our last game. Central almost beat us last time, so this time I really wanna kick their ass. But it's gonna be cool, because the game's at State, which means afterwards I'll be able to stop by.

(Heather) So you can't sing at the competition.

(Oz) (sighing) Heather, I'm sorry. I totally blew it.

(Heather) It's okay. You should.. do what makes you happy.

(Oz) All right. Listen, thanks for understanding.

(Heather) Yeah.

(Oz) So, uh, I guess I'll see you later?

(Heather) Mm-hmm.

Cut to inside the school Stifler is whistling while walking down the hall way.

(Stifler) Hey, Kevin. You seen shit-brick lately?

(Kevin) Why? What did you do to him?

This script was typed word for word by Chris Spirito buffdadde@home.com webmaster of Warm Apple Pie

(Stifler) Me? Nothing. See, I'm the one whose ass he kicked. But, uh, I'll tell you one thing, though. I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore.

Camera zooms in on a bottle Stifler is holding the label says PentaLax.

Cut to Finch running down the halls of school.

(Finch) Oh, God! Oh! Oh! (panting) Jesus.

(Stifler) (holding open a door for Finch) Right this way, sir.

Cut to Finch in the stall looking at the toilet he says, "Oh my God" he begins to cover the bowl with toilet paper. The whole time he is doin' this he is farting.

(Girls) (Laughing)

(Finch) Oh no.

(Girl 1) It's gonna be fun.

(Girl 2) You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.

(Girl 1) Okay. You're just saying that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date.

(Girl 2) No, no, no. I don't want a date. Finch is goin' stag and.. so am I.

(Finch) (groaning)

(Girl 2) God, he's like so.. refined.

(Finch) (Groans)

(Girl 1) You think that older woman thing is true?

(Gilr 2) Yeah, it's true it was Stifler's mom.

(Finch) (farts)

(Girl 2) Joanie, was that you?

(Gilr 1) Oh!

(Finch) Can't hold it. Oh! (Load Farting) (Groaning)

(All 3 Girls) Eww! (they run out of the bathroom)

(Finch) (Groaning and Farting more)

Cut to the outside of the bathroom door. Finch is walking out of the door whistling to himself.

(Crowd of students) (Laughter)

(Stifler) Yeah!

(Laughter continues)

Cut to Kevin and Vicky in Vicky's room.

(Vicky) Kev? I think we've come a really long way since homecoming.

(Kevin) Yeah, we have.

(Vicky) Maybe it's time...we start to express ourselves in new ways.

(Kevin) Yeah.

(Vicky) You wanna do it?

(Kevin) Yeah.

(Vicky) I love you. It's your turn.

(Kevin) That's not what I was thinking.

(Vicky) Sex. It's always about sex.

(Kevin) It's not always about sex. Look. I just thought it was about sex this time. Look, Vicky, love is a term that gets thrown around, and-and people don't mean it. When I say it, I want it to be more than words. You know? I want it to be--

(Vicky) Perfect.

(Kevin) Exactly.

Cut to the MSU Music Hall.

(Choir Director) Okay, Albert. You ready?

(Albert) No problemo. I close my eyes at night... Come on, Heather. Work with me here.

Cut to the lacorsse feild at MSU. The crowd is cheering.

Oz had the ball and scores on goal with it. (Whistle Blows)

(Announcer) Goal, Ostreicher!

(Kevin) (cheering in the crowd with Jim) All right, Oz!

(Stifler) Atta boy, Ozzie! Whoo! Yeah, baby! We're crushing you loser! Let's go fellas!

Cut back to Albert and Heather:

(Albert) Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee... Focus on the music. Think melody. Let the music be my guide.

(Heather) That would be a start.

Cut back to the game. Oz has the ball. Oz gets tackled. Stifler makes the save and picks up the ball. Stifler runs down field and scores.

(Stifler) Who's the man? Stifler!

(Coach) Huddle up, guys! Huddle up! Huddle up! Some on! Okay. All right, all right! Good hustle, guys. Good hustle. But you can still lose. You all saw what happened to Oz out there. I don't want to ever see any of you thinking you're gonna score. You don't score until you score.

(Coach 2) Until you score.

(Stifler) That's right, baby!

(Coach) It all boils down to today. For you seniors, this marks the culmination of the past four years.

(Coach 2) Culmination.

(Coach) I want you to think about what this means to you. Do you guys wanna look back on your days at East and know that you used the time you had?

(The whole team) Hell, yeah!

(Coach) You do! Ah! Good attitude, Ostreicher.

(Oz) Good luck, fellas.

(Coach) Christ, I didn't tell ya to leave the game.

(Oz) I'm sorry coach.

(Coach) You got someplace more important to be, Ostreicher?

(Oz) Yeah.

(Coach) Ostreicher!

(Stifler) Oz? Fuckface?

(Coach) Ostreicher!

Oz runs off the field hoping to make it in time to the choir competition.

(Choir guy) Hey, Oz!

(Choir guy 2) Ozmeister!

(Albert) Oh, great.

(Heather) What about the game?

(Oz) I'm not playing.

(Heather) You're missing the game for us?

(Oz) No, I'm missing the game for you.

(Albert) D-Does this mean I'm not gonna get to do the duet?

(Choir guy 2) Albert, you suck.

Heather and Oz kiss.

Cut to the lacrosse field:

(Stifler) I don't think he's comin' back.

Cut back to the choir competition:

(Heather) (singing) Close my eyes at night

(Back up singers) Close my eyes

(Heather) Wonderin' where would I be without you in my life

(Oz) Everything I did was just a bore

(Backup singers) Just a bore

(Oz) Everywhere I went seems I been there before.

(Oz and Heather) But you brighten up for me all of my days

(Hather) With a love so sweet

(Oz) In so many ways

(Backup singers) I just wanna stop

(Oz and Heather) And thank you, baby

(All) I just wanna stop

(Oz and Heather) And thank you, baby

(Backup singers) Thank you, baby

(Oz and Heather) How sweet it is to be loved by you

(Audience Applauding)

(Jim) Yeah, Oz! You fuckin' rule!

(Kevin) Fuckin' rule!

(Jim) Yeah!

Cut to Vicky and Jessica talking at school: