Chapter 2

After his little swim (which was sponsered by our our hot, but not very bright friend, Gilligan), Lance decides to go straight home and shower up. When he reaches the very large and luxurious bathroom of his, Lance tosses off his sopping-wet clothes and throws a bathrobe over his shoulders. Smiling at his reflection in the mirror, he votes against wearing the tacky green plush robe with the huge dollar sign on it, because he just remembered that Crumpet Toomy (played by AJ McLean) was upstairs with Lancey, and he didn't want the man to see him like that. After all, who couldn't come by his *good-lookin' self*? (or so as he thought). He comes to the conclusion to wearing his dry work clothes (which were luckily sitting on the top of the nearby hamper) and makes his way upstairs. As he reaches and walks down the second-floor hallway(which Lancey's is located at the very end of).
LANCE: Lancey, daddy's home! Lancey, Lancey, I'm home, Daddy's-- (opens the door to Lancey's room, and finds a moderately disturbing sight--Lancey is found lying stomach-down, on that poor, abused changing table. Except his rear-end is way up in the air and Crumpet is found giving him a little *smack* on the cheeks) CRUMPET!!!!! (yells on the very top of his lungs) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON?!?!?! (mad as mess)
CRUMPET: (turns and looks at Lance with bloodshot eyes and some kind of yellowish goo that his hair is caked with, that drips down is face like snot from somebody's runny nose; begins to stutter) Well... I... I... I... (voice returns to normal) I didn't think you would be coming home so... soon. (his voice gets louder and he talks in a meaner tone) What does it look like I'm doing!? I'm spanking the stinkin' little brat!! Gettin' the punishment he well over derserves for BITING ME!!! (yells) You hear me, Warbucks, or whatever your name is! YOUR LITTLE PSYCHO BIT ME!!!!! Then, when I was trying to give the stinkin' thing a damn bath, HE PISSED ON ME! PISSED! PISSED ON ME WHEN I'M PISSED OFF ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
LANCE: (becomes enraged by Crumpet spanking and talking about Lancey that way and it's now his turn to rant and rave...) YOU DON'T EVER, EVER spank my Lancey!!!!!! (grabs Crumpet's sholders and pushes him against the wall) YOU GOT ME CRUMPET????!!! I don't give a DAMN waht Lancey did TO YOU because Lancey can do everything he wants, and as long as he's under this roof it's always going to be that way!! And NO LOWLIFE CRUMPET will ever, ever HURT HIM AGAIN!!!
LANCEY: (watches boredly as his dad tells Crumpet off) LANCE: NOBODY SHOULD EVER HURT LANCEY, ANYWAY!!!! Never have I spanked him for anything, and you are NEVER gonna enter MY HOUSE AGAIN!!!NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER again!!!! You know why??? BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!! FIRED!!!! (yells so loud, that spit is endlessly coming out of his mouth now)
CRUMPET: (removes himself from the wall) Gee, I'm sure going to miss this job. (saracasticly) Oh, how I'll miss those days when you feel like a huge pile of shit is on your sholders, man, those were THE GOOD OL DAYS!!! (voice becomes louder) Man, will I ever miss the spitup in my face, It REALLY CLEARED UP MY PORES!!!! And ,of couse, will I ever forget those tantrums, yes, espesally the WORST ones were I got hit in the head 50 times, and my ears were riging from the damn CRYING!!! Oh yes, and of course the 69 diaper changes a DAY, DAMMIT!!!! Man, especially those shitty ones. Well, actaully EVERY DAMN ONE WAS LIKE THAT!!!! (turns to Lancey) EVER HEARD OF LIQUIDS, YOU SHITBUCKET????(grabs one a beer from his pocket and pours it all over Lancey)
LANCE: (mad) GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!
CRUMPET: Hold up, MONEY BAGS, I have one last message to your pile over hear.(turn to Lancey once again) Don't listen to your dumbass daddy poopy-pants. Listen to Crumpy, and you may just pass kindergarten. Your momma is a granny smith, JUST LIKE YOU!
LANCEY: (causally throws up all over Crumpet, and as Crumpet limps out of the room, slugging beer, a look of satisfaction comes across his face)
LANCE: (mutters as he sees Crumpet limping down the hall towards the stairs) He is one bad apple. (turns to Lancey) I'm so sorry, sweetheart (hugs him), I had no idea that Crumpet was so mean to you, will you forgive daddy??? Will you?(baby-talk)
LANCEY: (ignores Lance and watches Crumpet)
LANCE: Here, let's get you dressed, so you can be all cleaned up. (goes to his very large closet and picks out afru-fru, lacy, green pajamas that come with little booties, and puts them on Lancey but totally forgets a very important elment that may due to the wreckage of his [Lance's] pants) Now don't we look precious? (sits Lancey up)
LANCEY: *burp*(makes a sour face. As you can see, he isn't too cool on his dad always dressing him up like some kind of pansy. Basically, his clothes all are like the clothes worn by a baby girl [NOT little dresses, though] except they are all either green [money], yellow, blue, white, or orange, and they all have AT LEAST one dollar sign on them, and they have either little bunny feet or footies note:they are VERY expensive!)
LANCE:Wait, one more thing... (pulls out a little green bonnet and puts it on Lancey's head) OOOOO, you look so cute!!! You look just like me when I was your age--a future money-maker. (smiles and holds up Lancey by his armpits, then hears some kind of shouting from outside. He picks up Lancey and looks out the window to find Crumpet kicking at the large, metal gate that surrounds the rather large yard, and seperates it from the beach. He rolls his eyes, and pulls out a remote control from his pocket, which allows the gate to open)
CRUMPET: (runs out of the gate, and starts hugging random palm trees) I'M FREE!!! I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!!
LANCE: (smacks his forehead with his free hand) God. (watches Crumpet a little more, and then starts to stare out at the ocean.) Who's that? (sees a curly-haired girl in the ocean, alongside a dolphin, smiling at him and waving like a mad woman) I've never seen her before... wierd. (turns away from the window, but looks out one more time, and then finds another girl. She is pulling on the curly-haired girl's shoulder, and singaling her to *stop* and go *down* NOW!! She is talking to curly, and she and the dolphin go down. Curly waves for a little more, and dives down. As she dives, it appears that she has a pink fin) Okay? NO, no way, it's just a girl swimming in the ocean, NOT A MERMAID... (turns away from the window, trying to ignore his suspicions, but can't help thinking it is strange.) THINKS: Ah, it's just some teenage girls going for a swim. As long as they are not on my property I'm okay with it. (he slowly carries Lancey down the hall, because he voted against letting him have his afternoon nap, which he usaully rants and raves about, anyway. Lance reaches the fancy living room, and sits down on the couch, placing Lancey on his lap and digs out the Wall Street Journal) Hmm, I wonder how the stock market is doing today. (places the Wall Street Jounal in front of Lancey's face by accident)
LANCEY: (becomes a little mad when that paper is pushed into his face,and then he punches it with his fist) STOPPIT!!!
LANCE: (cooish voice) Oooh, Lancey, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I feel so bad about everything that has happened to you today, aw, you poor baby, your tummy hurts, and you were spanked, and now daddy accidently poked you. But I love you *so* much, and you know I wold never mean to hurt you. (turns Lancey around and strokes his hair, which is sticking out of his bonnet) How about tommorow daddy will buy sometrhing special, just for you at the toy store. Would you like that?
LANCEY: (though, very used to being spoiled rotten by his dad, who brings him new toys home everyday, a smile spreads across his face. He is probably thinking: YOU BETTER BRING ME SOMETHING BIG HOME.)
LANCE: How about I buy something nice and big, oh yes, and very expensive, just for you? Would you like that, Lancey-cakes, huh, would you?
LANCEY: (tugs on his tie, as if saying, BRING IT NOW!!!)
LANCE: Of course you would. Now how about I buy you that-- (is about to say what he is going to buy, but the doorbell rings, and distracts his train of thought.) Dammit, it's probably that LOWLIFE TOOMY wanting his money. (picks up Lancey and angryly carries him towards the door like a football. He unlocks the door to find...) GILLIGAN!!!
GILLIGAN: Captian! You're happy to see me!! Do you forgive me?? Do you forget me?? (walks closer to Captain, about to give him a hug of *forgiveness* but, backs away in disguist as he finds Lancey in his arms squiming and drooling. Yes, Gilligan has a baby of his own who probably squirms and drools a lot too, but he hates Lancey because he is just plain disquisting. Not only that, he is a spoiled brat and he smells like a mile-long hog farm)
LANCE: (enraged by Gilligan's presense) GILLIGAN-!!!
GILLIGAN: Captain, I would hug you and tell you how sorry I am, but you know, you're with-- him.(says *him* bluntly)
LANCE: (ignores what Gilligan says and gets heated up.) YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO COME HERE AFTER YOU PUSHED ME IN THE SEA!!!!!YOU STINKIN' MOP!!!
GILLIGAN: Yeah, but I came to say, uh, sorries. (glances down at Lancey) Uh... Captian.
LANCE: I MEAN,GILLIGAN, CAN'T YOU SEE--
GILLIGAN: Captian...
LANCE: THAT I'M BUSY!!!
GILLGAN: Well, not really. But I can sure see that Lancey is busy.
LANCE: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN????
GILLIGAN: Um... look down.
LANCE: (looks down at Lancey..) Oh, Lancey... (to find him pissing all over his pants) OH SHIT!!! I FORGOT HIS PAMPERS!!!!(ignores the door, and runs with Lancey, holding him in front of him so his pants won't get damaged any more then needed, and he is now, kinda like a human fountain. As Lance runs, you can see a trail of piss stained on the rug.)
GILLIGAN: Wow, that's a whole lotta pee. I didn't know he had that in him, too.