Independent women of the class of 2004,
It's okay to be a teenybopper.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, being a teenie would be it.
The long-term benefits of bopperism haven't been proved by scientists, but the rest of my advice will relate to what I just told you.
I'll start that now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of Justin Timberlake's youth.
Oh, never mind; you won't understand the power and beauty of Justin's youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of him and recall in a way you can't grasp now how damn sexy he was and how much you REALLY wanted to give it up to him.
Joey's not as fat as they want you to think.
Don't worry about the future of pop.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to convince your parents to let you get your nose pierced like Christina Aguilera.
The real troubles in your life are bound to be more than these trite things; the kind that bitchslaps you in the line to get BSB tickets.
Do one thing every day that freaks people out.
Sing--but don't lipsynch.
Don't be reckless with your pop hating boyfriend's heart.
Don't put up a person who's reckless with yours, the afforementioned boyfriend included.
Floss. Please floss.
Don't waste your time on envying Britney.
Sometimes you run, sometimes you hide.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself--'cause your chances with JRT are one in a million.
Webmistresses, save all the fan mail you get,
Screw the insults.
If you do this, you'll forever have memories of your teenage/young adulthood years.
Keep your fan mementos.
Throw away the copies of all the tabloids that featured your fave artist--chances are they weren't true anyway.
Bump and grind.
Don't feel guilty if your parents say you lead a pathetic obsessive life.
The most interesting people I know obsessed over their favorite bands throughout their college years.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds have moved on to liking *NSYNC.
Eat plenty of *NSYNC fruit snacks,
But be kind to your abs.
You'll miss them like crazy when they go flabby.
Maybe you'll marry a member of O-Town, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have kids with Ashley, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce Erik at 34, maybe you'll dance the Macarena on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't be too full of yourself, or be too humble.
Your choices are like Millionare: 50/50.
So are everybody else's.
Laugh at AJ's body,
Watch him use it every way he can.
Don't give a damn about what people say about it,
'Cause it's the greatest instrument he'll ever own.
Dance, even if it means doing the "Stronger" chair dance.
Throw all caution to the wind and camp out for concert tickets.
Don't look at magazines with pictures of Destiny's Child, Britney, and Christina in them,
They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know Chris Kirkpatrick.
You never know when he'll be gone for good.
Be nice to anyone who has connections to "boy band" members.
They're your best link to the stars and probably the only chance you have at meeting them.
Understand that simularly crazed friends come and go, but a precious few will stay obsessed with you.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you "when JC was your favorite".
Live in NYC once, but leave before Carson pisses you off.
Live in Orlando once, but leave before Lou Pearlman tries to screw you over.
Travel, see the world.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Napster will grow to become something amazing,
*NSYNC, BSB, O-Town, and other popstars will fade,
And you too will eventually grow old. (gasp!)
And when you do, you'll remember when Lars Ulrich tried to shut the thing down, *NSYNC, BSB, and O-Town bickered, you tried to be like Britney in the "Baby One More Time" video.
Respect pop's predecesors: NKOTB, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and the Jackson 5.
Don't expect your parents to support your obession.
Maybe you'll become a babysitter,
Maybe you'll have a older sibling who will share your fanatisism,
But little kids get annoying really fast and older sibs tend to leave you in the dust.
AJ, Justin, Jacob, Christina, Beyonce, and Britney: don't mess with your hair too much--when you're 40 you'll probably be in bad need of wigs or Rogaine.
Be careful and don't always sign on the dotted lines;
You could be selling your soul to the devil.
Learn this and chances are you could become a great star one day,
and if not, maybe you could manage a future star and remember the days you dreamed of marrying a BSB or *NSYNCer.
But trust me on being a teenie.