They never returned.
Three weeks later MTV found their footage.
(snow onscreen)
[AJ narrates]
AJ: Hey, this is AJ, aka Bone, and I've found a "native" of the area who has heard about the Britney Witch. (the camera focuses on an old man wearing a pair of raggedy overalls and a plaid shirt) So-oo, mister, tell all of us 'bout the Britney Witch.
Old Guy: (in thick Southern accent) Whall, mah great great, great granddaddy ran into it. He wuz in duh wuuds huntin' one night. Whall, he's gone an' shot him a baar, and he heard dis russlin'. And then he hears dis shriekin', like sumone goin' screamin' bloody murder. Like, "AAAAAAHHHHH!" Then this big ol' ax pointz out at him and he ran like a bat outta hell. I'd-a-dun dat too. Are all y'all pretty boys goin' out ther to look fer dat witch?
AJ: Uhh, yeah.
Old Guy: Whall, y'alls out fer playin' wit duh devil's nanny. Good luck boys. (laughs) Y'all gunna need it.
AJ: Well, we're going on out to find this witch. So, 'til then, see ya!
(snow onscreen)
[Kevin narrates]
Kevin: This is Kev, and we've just parked the van, and we're going out to the woods to look for this *BEEP*in' Britney Witch. (loudly) AND I'M SPENDING TIME OFF LOOKING FOR THIS THING BECAUSE OF AJ!!
AJ: Hey, we're away from rabid fans, right?
Howie: (dragging a large cooler out of the van) Who knows, AJ, there might be raccoons who might be familiar with us.
AJ: You're not funny.
Kevin: Anyway, we're goin' out into the woods. Do we have everything?
(the camera goes to the van, where Nick is standing in front of the opened doors)
Nick: Yeah... except for Justin.
Justin: (from inside of the band) You want me to mess up my new Timbs? You're kiddin' me man!
Joey: J, you can clean them when we get back. C'mon.
(Justin gets out of the van, mumbling to himself.)
Kevin: Well, we've got everything. Hey D, we got the food?
Howie: Yeah. (the camera pans to D) We've got a big *BEEP* cooler full... and I've got an emergency bag in case animals come in to attack it or Joey does.
Joey: (in background)Heyy...
Kevin: I guess that we're ready to go out there. This is so *BEEP*ed up. I'm signing off for now.
(snow onscreen)
[Joey narrates]
Joey: Hey, this is Joey, and we're walking through the swamp and the woods looking for a campsite...
Justin: (in background) Oh *BEEP*!
Lance: What happened?
Justin: (now on camera; very pissed) I just stepped in a pile of dog *BEEP*! My *BEEP* boots are ruined! Why the *BEEP* did you all drag me into these *BEEP* woods, *BEEP* it?!
JC: Maybe if you hadn't worn the *BEEP*in' boots you might not be *BEEP*in' right now, Justin!
Justin: You wanna play like 'dat, huh fool? (throws backpack down)
AJ: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
Lance: Here we go again...
Joey: (sighs) This is going to be a long hike through the woods... Bye for now.
(snow onscreen)
[Joey narrates again]
Joey: Hey, I'm back, and here we are at the first annual tent pitching convention. We have Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake struggling to pitch their tent before AJ McLean and Chris Kirkpatrick.
(the camera pans to Nick and Justin first. They're putting the tent together fairly easily)
Justin: Man, this is easy!
Nick: If I'd known that putting together a tent was this easy, I would have gone camping a long time ago.
Joey: Now let's see how AJ and Chris are doing.
(camera pans to AJ and Chris. Their tent looks decapitated.)
Chris: Give me a screwdriver!
AJ: (confused) What for?
Joey: Uhh, Chris? You don't need a screwdriver to build a tent.
Chris: Then what do we use, *BEEP* it?
Joey: Oh-kay... let's see what everyone else is up to. (camera pans to Brian and Kevin playing catch) Brian and Kevin are tossin' the baseball around... (camera goes to JC with his backpack propped against a rock, asleep.) JC is sleeping... (camera goes to Lance, who is sitting on a rock, with his laptop on a cooler, typing) Lance is doin' somethin' on his laptop. Hey man, whatcha doin'?
Lance: I'm just looking over some stuff I found on the Britney Witch. Apparently she preys on-and I quote-"attractive males in their late teens and early to mid twenties." (pauses)
Brian: (walking over to Lance) You mean... we're at risk?
Lance: Basically.
Brian: Aww man...
Joey: Dude, it's just a legend. Chill.
Lance: Yeah. (sighs) Now I need to find our coordinates...
Joey: Okay. Where's Howie?
Howie: AH *BEEP*! (appears on camera) Where did all our food go? (points to the big cooler) This was full of food, and now it's gone! What the *BEEP* happened?!
Joey: Um, dun ask me man. (burps)
Howie: (in disbelief) Joey, did you eat all the food?
Joey: I left the stuff in the bag alone...
Howie: JOEY!!! THAT'S it, you're askin' to get your *BEEP* kicked!
Joey: (turning around) Uhh, gotta go. Bye now! (yelling abruptly) GET OFF MY BACK MAN!!!! THAT'S *BEEP*IN' WRONG!
(snow onscreen)
[JC sleepily narrates]
JC: (yawns) Hey, JC speaking, and here are the results of our little tent building contest. First, Nick and Justin's tent.
(the camera shows Nick and Justin standing in front of a fully constructed tent, proudly.) Nick: Not only are we international popstars...
Justin: But we can construct a tent too.
JC: Now let's see how AJ and Chris did.
(the camera moves over to Chris and AJ's tent-it looks collapsable.)
AJ: Took awhile, but we did it!
Chris: Aww yeah... (high fives AJ)
(the tent collapses. JC, Nick, and Justin start to laugh)
AJ: AWW *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!
Chris: What's a *BEEP*?
Brian: I don't think we're gonna be able to put that back together.
Justin: And this means....
Nick: (shocked) We're going to have to share a tent?
(silence)
JC: Ten guys... in one tent... THIS IS SO NOT RIGHT! *BEEP*!
(snow)
[Howie narrates]
Howie: Well... here we are, crammed into one *BEEP*in' tent... holy *BEEP*, what is that smell?
(all the guys in the tent moan)
AJ: (disgruntled) Nick, put yo' shoes on!
Nick: (pissed) I've got my shoes on, AJ! *BEEP*! Why do you always gotta blame ME?
JC: ZzZzZzZzZz....
Chris: (mumbling off camera) How can he sleep though this? That guy has more z's than the dictionary, danggit!
(the tent goes silent and we can hear someone laughing)
Kevin: What's so funny, D?
Howie: I ain't laughin' at anything, man.
Kevin: Then who was laughing?
Lance: Maybe there's someone out there.
Brian: (concerned) What if it's the Britney Witch?
AJ: B-Rok, c'mon! That's just a lame-*BEEP* legend! It's probably a dog or something... D, man, stop shaking the camera! The picture will be blurry.
Howie: I can't *BEEP*in' help it, AJ! I'm *BEEP*in' freaked out!
Chris: Whoo, Dorough's cussin'!
Howie: Shut the *BEEP* up, Kirkpatrick.
(Chris shuts up)
AJ: Dude, there is nothing to be scared of! *BEEP* it, it's a stupid legend. Nothing's gonna happen to us. (he leans back and suddenly a loud shrieking is heard and a knife rips through the tent right beside AJ)
AJ: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Brian: (hysterically) It's the Witch!!!!!
(chaos is then ensued. The camera's focus gets bumpy, and everyone begins to yell.)
Joey: Kevin, get your *BEEP* out there and see what the *BEEP* that was!
Kevin: ME?! Why me?!
Chris: (quickly) You're the oldest out of all of us! Now GO!
(JC and Lance push Kevin out of the tent door and zip it shut.)
Kevin: Guys!!! I'm scared!!!
JC: (mocking) Oooh, big, bad "Train" Richardson's scared! Ha ha ha!
(a loud, Xena like scream is heard outside, and Kevin lets out a hysterical cry for help)
All: KEVIN!!!!
(the tent shakes and rattles around as the guys try to get out. It then collapses, and Justin crawls to unzip the door. Everyone crawls out. All that's left of Kevin hare his boots and a bloody knife stuck in the ground with a piece of paper attached.)
Howie: Uh, Kev? KEVIN!
Brian: KEVIN!!! (breaks down and cries)
Chris: (picks up the knife) Hey, look, there's a note on the knife.
AJ: (hysterically) Chris, you *BEEP*, what kind of an idiot's gonna leave a note attached to a murder weapon?!
Chris: See? (rips the note off) What does it say... "Who's next??"... Oh *BEEP*, it's comin' for the rest of rest of us!
Justin: Aww *BEEP*! (takes off running)
Joey: Justin, come back!
Justin: NO! I'm gettin' the *BEEP* outta here! All y'all gots ta be some dumb*BEEP* motha*BEEPs for stayin' here!
Howie: Yo J! I'm comin' with ya! (starts to run, and the camera's focus gets blurry)
AJ: D, git yo' Puerto Rican *BEEP* back here NOW!
Howie: I'm gettin' the *BEEP* outta here! *BEEP* you!
(snow)
[AJ sits in front of the camera. His eyes are low, and he's shaking and sniffling.)
AJ: Hey, I'm AJ... and... (voice cracks) Kevin's DEAD! (starts to cry) Oh God! Listen to me! (takes off his sunglasses) All of ya! Mrs. Richardson... Kristen... I'm sorry! It's all my fault! I dragged Kevin out here! I'm sorry that the tent broke, I'm sorry! I'm sorry that Kevin's gone, and we didn't kill him!! It was that *BEEP*in' witch! We're sorry!!! (continues bawling)
(snow)
[Nick narrates]
Nick: Well, it's late, Kevin's gone, we're lost in the woods with a murderous witch at our tails...
Justin: (now on camera) And we're in some deep *BEEP*. AND MY BOOTS ARE *BEEP*IN' MESSED UP! *BEEP*!
Nick: (p.o.ed) Is your only concern you're *BEEP* shoes?! Kevin's dead, you *BEEP*! We could be next! *BEEP*, you're a *BEEP*!
Justin: You gon' git it, Carter!
JC: Nick, Justin, calm down!
Nick and Justin: (simultaneously) SHUT THE *BEEP* UP!
(snow)
[Justin narrates]
Justin: Almost all of us managed to live through the night... except for Kevin. So now there's nine of us. Let's see what the others are doing.
(the camera pans to Chris, who's eating the last of a raw hot dog.)
Justin: Where'd you get that hot dog?!
(all of the others start to gang up on Chris. He shoes the rest of the hot dog into his mouth.)
JC: *BEEP* you!
Justin: Ain't this a load of *BEEP*! Hey Lance, where the *BEEP* are we?
Lance: (on camera) I don't know! Don't you have a compass?
Justin: No... you were supposed to have it.
Lance: I didn't get no compass. Let's go find the laptop. The map on there might give us some direction as to where it is.
(Justin and Lance walk around to the back of the now fallen tent. The laptop is smashed into smitherinees.)
Lance: Oh *BEEP*!
Justin: We are gonna die, we are gonna die.
Chris: (in background) *BEEP*! This is a load of complete *BEEP*! AJ, why the *BEEP* did you bring us out here, *BEEP* it?!
AJ: *BEEP*, it, Kirkparick, I told you once, and a thousand times, I didn't know we'd be risking our *BEEP* lives! And I didn't know that the *BEEP*in' witch would be trackin' us down to kill us!
Justin: It's only 11 a.m. now... but our fears start as soon as it gets dark. This is Justin, signing off for now. Mom, if I don't make it... tell the fam that I love them all, and... (sobbing) I'm sorry for everything bad I did! I love you Mom!
(snow)
[JC narrates]
JC: Well, we've pitched another tent, and we're once again stuck in the woods, fearing what might happen to us.
Justin: *BEEP*, I gotta go *BEEP*!
Lance: Hold it 'til morning. I don't reccomend going now.
Justin: Naw, I can't wait. I gotta go now.
AJ: Go then! No one's stopping you!
Brian: Watch out for the witch.
Justin: Yeah. Sure. (grabs a flashlight and crawls out)
(everyone grows slient)
JC: It's gotten quiet... a little too quiet.
Justin: (outside) Aw *BEEP*! I took a *BEEP* on my Timbs! This'll never come out!
Chris: He's okay.
Nick: Hey, isn't that the same smell from last night?
Howie: *BEEP* it, Nick...
Nick: IT WASN'T ME!
JC: Yeah... that's it...
(the guys all exchange a look)
Joey: (yelling to Justin) J, you might wanna get your butt back in here...
Justin: I'm almost done...
(the shrieking is heard once again, and Justin yells)
Chris: Oh *BEEP*, Justin!
JC: The witch got him! Justin!
(the guys crawl out of the tent. Justin is standing against a tree, with the hood of his jacket pulled low over his eyes.)
Joey: Hey man, you're alright!
(he pats Justin on the back. Justin falls over and reveals a dozen nail files stuck in his back.)
Chris: (hysterically) What the *BEEP*?!
Lance: *BEEP*, Justin's dead!
Brian: Aww *BEEP*, another one's dead!
Chris: *BEEP* you, you *BEEP* witch! C'mon, come and get me! Get me!
Nick: Uhh... here's another note. (yanks a sheet of paper off of a nail file.) "I'm coming!..."
JC: *BEEP* it, run!
(the guys start to run for their lives. Snow.)
[Chris narrates]
Chris: *BEEP*, now Justin's dead! *BEEP* it, *BEEP* it!
Joey: (pulls a paper off a tree) Hey, here's another note.
AJ: Let me see that! (mutters) What kind of a *BEEP* witch leaves notes? "Do a head check." Huh?
Chris: Well, I'm here, AJ's here, Brian's here, and so are Joey, Lance, JC, and Howie... where's Nick? Nick? (looks to his right) AAAAAAA*BEEP*!!!
(camera goes to a rock, where Nick's head now rests.)
Brian: *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*! FRACK!!!!
Joey: (terrified) I'm gettin' outta here!
Chris: Wait for us!
(snow)
[AJ narrates]
AJ: *BEEP*! Nicky-Boy's dead! *BEEP*! It's now dawn, and we've gone through another night of hell in the bayou. But last night, we had two more brutal deaths... Nick (sniffs) and Justin. WHY?! (cries)
Brian: (crying) Why the *BEEP* are you recording this, AJ?
Howie: Brian, think about it: the most popular members of our groups are dead. Who do you think they're gonna blame when-or if we get out of the woods?
Brian: Oh.
JC: We're hungry, scared, cold, and I haven't had a decent amount of sleep in three days.
Joey: And that's bad for JC.
AJ: (to Lance) Hey Rocket Scientist! How can we get the *BEEP* away from here?
Lance: Well, I know that the nearest town-Kentwood-is a few miles north of here. Moss grows on the north side of tress, and if we start hiking now we can get there before dark, if not sooner.
Joey: What are we waiting for? Let's go!
AJ: And so, off we go.
(snow)
[Brian narrates]
Brian: We're back and...
JC: WE'RE *BEEP*IN' LOST! *BEEP* Lance, can't you do anything right?!
Lance: *BEEP* JC, I'm doin' the best that I can!
JC: How much longer do we have 'til we get there?
Lance: I DON'T KNOW! What do I look like to you, an information booth?!
All: YES!
JC: God, I'm thirsty. (pulls out a canteen. He takes a drink, the coughs and falls to the ground.)
AJ: *BEEP*, what the *BEEP* happened to him?
Brian: It might have been what he drank. (he picks up the canteen, and pours out a thick, pink liquid.)
Howie: Sick! That's nail polish!
Chris: JC drank nail polish?! Nasty!
Joey: Ah *BEEP*! The witch wrote something on the canteen! "4 down, 6 2 go." *BEEP* Lance, we better be gettin' to Kentwood soon. It's 5:30 p.m., and it'll be getting dark soon.
Brian: So, onward we go. JC's gone... Kev's gone... (starts to cry a little) Justin's gone... Nick's gone! Why, Lord, whyyyyy?!
(snow)
[Joey narrates]
Joey: *BEEP* it, Lance, we were supposed to have been there by now!
Lance: Joey, will you shut the *BEEP* up?! You've eaten all the food, you think you could shut up?!
Joey: You don't need to start PMSing on me!
Lance: SHUT THE *BEEP* UP!
Brian: Guys, face it: we're gonna die in the woods.
Chris: (sarcastically) Thank you almighty death cheerleader.
Brian: (continues walking) I'm very depressed here.... AAAAAAA! (he falls into a pit. When he hits the bottom, a slicing noise is heard.)
Lance: Oh, that doesn't sound good....
AJ: (looking down into the pit) B-Rok? Ohh....
Joey: AJ? You don't look so good.
AJ: Excuse me. (he runs off toward a clump of bushes, and hurling is heard in the background.)
Chris: Man, how could he have anything left over? Joey ate all the food, and we haven't eaten in what, three days?
Joey: Stop blamin' me for every *BEEP*in' thing about the food! I had a weak moment.
Howie: Do you always have weak moments?
Joey: Uhhh...
Howie: Don't answer that. (yelling) God, help me! I'm stuck in the woods with complete idiots!
Lance: (offended) Hey!
Howie: Okay, three idiots and a genius.
AJ: (recovering from his bout of throwing up) What about me?
Howie: Two idiots, a genius, and a *BEEP*.
AJ: (gettin' all in D's face) I've just about had it with your *BEEP*ed up smart *BEEP* remarks! *BEEP* it, I told you I'm sorry!
(snow)
[Chris narrates]
Chris: (teeth chattering) It's cold, dark, and now there's only five of us left. We're only stopping to get a brief moment of rest.
(Joey is doing this strange, squatting-like dance.)
Howie: Joey, what the *BEEP* is wrong with you?
Joey: (in whiny voice) I gotta go!
Lance: Just go!
Joey: (still doing the dance) But I'm scared to! The witch might get me!
AJ: (irritated) Hold it, then!
Joey: I CAN'T!
Lance: Maybe you can flirt the witch into not killing you.
(everyone laughs.)
Joey: God I gotta go!
All: GO!
(Joey runs into a thicket of bushes.)
Joey: Aaaah....
Chris: We don't need to hear you *BEEP*in', Joey!
(some time passes. AJ begins to play with the ski goggles he's waring and he's humming The Offspring's "Pretty Fly [For A White Guy]".)
AJ: Give it to me baby, uh huh uh huh, give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh...
Howie: (irritated) AJ...
AJ: (ignoring) Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh...
Chris: (p.o.ed) AJ...
AJ: And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly...
All: AJ!!!
AJ: What?!
Lance: Hasn't Joey been gone for a long time now?
Howie: Yeah... Chris, go see if he's okay.
Chris: Why? Joey can take care of himself.
(suddenly Joey appears, eyes rolled back and letting out strange wheezing noises. He suddenly drops to the ground. He has a black elastic-like thing around his neck.)
Chris: (jumping to help) Joey! Joey, talk to me *BEEP* it!
Lance: (taking his pulse) He's dead! *BEEP*!
Howie: Hey, what's around his neck?
(Chris pulls the thing off of Joey's neck.)
Chris: It's... a... pushup bra!
AJ: (interested) What size?
All: AJ!!!
Lance: Now what?!
Chris: Another note. *BEEP*, this is getting really old. (reads) "Superman is dead! Soon, you're next." *BEEP*!
AJ: *BEEP* it! That's it! Lance, you *BEEP* *BEEP*, get us to the town and soon!
Lance: What the *BEEP* is your *BEEP*in' problem?! I'd like to see you get out of here, motha*BEEP*!
AJ: (outraged) WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A *BEEP*?!
Lance: I ain't talkin' to anyone but you, am I?
Chris: Well, there's always Howie.
Howie: Don't bring me into this.
AJ and Lance: SHUT THE *BEEP* UP!
(Chris, Lance, and AJ start to yell at each other.)
Howie: (looking on in amusement) This is better than Springer!
[Lance narrates]
Lance: We're back, and still lost.
AJ: Due to the fact that you can't navigate.
Lance: (irritated) Shut up, Boner.
Chris: Boner? (in British accent) AJ, you are a sick, sick little boy!
(an arrow flies through the air and strikes a tree near AJ. He jumps back, startled)
Howie: Who-what-where the *BEEP* did that come from?!
AJ: I... don't know! (he pulls the arrow out) "Now there are 4, soon there will be none."
Chris: (shakily) Maybe we can jog to Kentwood.
Lance: JOG?!
AJ: *BEEP* it, run!
(they all start running like bats outta... Hades. [LOL, you *really* expected us to cuss, huh?])
Chris: BUSTA!!!!
Lance: TOBY!!!!
Howie: MOMMY!!!!
AJ: *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!!!!!!!
(just as he finishes saying this, a tree falls right in front of the path in front of the guys.)
AJ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (falls to his knees) I don't wanna die! I'm too young! There's so many places I haven't seen! So many things I haven't done! So many women I haven't....
(Howie smacks him in the back of the head.)
Lance: (tearfully; now on camera) Well... the witch is comin' to kill us... we're really gonna die...
Chris: (sobbing) God, forgive me! Busta, Korea... Daddy loves you! Dani, I love you too.... I'm sorry we'll never be able to have kids...
Howie: (bawling like a two-year old) Moooooom.... I love yooouuu.....
AJ: Panda, I love you baby.... (turns to Lance) Lance, I'm sorry I beeped you out so much.
Chris: (sniffling) Me too! Me too!...
Lance: Chris, man, I forgive you... I don't know about you, AJ...
(the shrieking is getting closer and closer.)
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(snow)
(the camera comes on again, this time all the guys are around it)
All: HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Justin: Gotcha!
Chris: You thought we really got tracked down by a witch? Ha!
Nick: Cool special effects, huh? (he holds up his “head”.) Looks just like the real thing, don’t it?
JC: And if you think I’d drink nail polish… (holds up the canteen) It was just Pepto Bismal. And those nail files in J’s back…
Justin: We put ‘em in my shirt. So there, our contribution to the Blair Witch parodies.
Kevin: Ya got ‘dat right.
Lance: So guys… where’s my laptop?
Joey: It should be behind that tree.
Lance: Joey, I already checked… it’s the crushed one.
Joey: What?! That was yours! The other one got thrown out!
Lance: Aww *BEEP*!
(a faint shrieking is heard in the background)
Howie: Yo, Chris… kill the tape player.
Chris: Dude, it’s off.
JC: (sniffs the air) Didn’t we put the limberger cheese up earlier?
Brian: Yeah, it’s in the van.
AJ: Nick…
Nick: AJ, it ain’t me!
(all the guys become silent)
All: Oh *BEEP*!
AJ: See ya! (runs off)
Chris: Wait! (runs too)
(everyone else follows suit. JC knocks over the camera. The camera spots black platform shoes.)
Female Voice: So… you don’t believe in me. You’ll be sorry, pretty boys… you’ll be sorry.
©, 1999, 2000. An O-Town Gallery Production.