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Sarah Michelle Gellar – Transcripts (The Howard Stern Show; March 1998)

Howard: Stopping by, we have Sarah Michelle Gellar from one of my favorite shows -- "Buffy The Vampire Slayer".

Robin: It's a great show.

Howard: It's a great hour.

Sarah: We're gonna have Howard on as a vampire.

Howard: I would love to play a vampire.

Sarah: You should come do our show.

Howard: I'm too big now. I'm a-

Sarah: He only does movies. He's a movie guy.

Howard: I'm a movie actor. No offense.

Robin: He won an award!

Howard: I've already seen an increase in broads since I went into the movies. And also Michelle Kwan is here. And you know what, I saw so little of the Olympics-

Robin: Silver Medallist.

Howard: -but I caught you.

Michelle: Really!

Howard: Yeah. You've got some body on you.

[Everyone laughs and applauds]

Robin: Oh stop it!

Michelle: That's embarrassing!

Robin: How old are you, Michelle? How old are you?

Howard: Are you 16?

Michelle: 17.

Robin: 17. Leave her alone.

Howard: Let me tell you what happened. I was sitting there at the Blockbuster Awards and you came out to present an award, and I'm sitting there and I go, "Robin, look at her, man, what I wouldn't do to her".

Robin: And I hit him- I hit him, I did!

Michelle: Oh… thank you!

Howard: And I'm like, um. I'll tell you something, I'm like, "her body transports me, man." And then all of the sudden she goes, "Would you calm down, she's 16". and I go, "Ohh". All of the sudden I'm Woody Allen. You know what I mean.

Michelle: Absolutely!

Howard: Yeah, easy. So anyway, congratulations on, uh, the Silver Medal.

Michelle: Thank you. You too. Not on the Silver Medal…

Howard: I don't skate. I really don't skate.

Michelle: Why not?

Howard: I'm too tall and I'm not coordinated.

Michelle: I'll give you a lesson.

Howard: Yeah, really? I'd like that. I'd like that. Back in my room.


Sarah: You have an ice tank in your room?

Robin: There's no ice there, Howard.

Howard: We'll fill up the tub! Skating is easy, though. Right?

Michelle: No.

Howard: It's not?

Michelle: No, this is actually a little harder. I couldn't walk and present the award. It was a little nerve-racking.

Robin: Yeah? You'd rather be on the ice?

Michelle: Yeah. I was more nervous tonight than I was at the Olympics.

Robin: Wow.

Howard: Really. What kind of dress is that? That's really hot. You can't wear underwear with that, can you?

Robin: Oh, stop it! I told you, she's a child!

Howard: Are you a child? I can't ask that. All right, then let's go back to Sarah. She's no child.

Robin: You can't wear underwear with that dress, can you Sarah?

Sarah: No, you can't.

Howard: Sarah, I've been trying to figure out what's holding up that dress. You're wrapped up like a mummy. I love it.

Sarah: Like a big Inca mummy girl.

Howard: What is that?

Sarah: I said, "Like a big Inca mummy girl".

Howard: Yeah. What is that?

Sarah & Robin: Inca mummy girl!

Sarah: A mummy!

Howard: Oh, a mummy girl.

Robin: What is wrong with you?

Howard: I don't know, I'm giddy.

Sarah: He won an award today.

Robin: I guess that's it.

Howard: No, Ivan wanted me to ask you if you're wearing a bra.

Robin: Oh, stop it!

Sarah: No, I'm not.

Ivan: I did not ask him to ask that question. I want to go on record.

Howard: Yeah, I know. Ivan didn't. It was my question.

Robin: Oh dear, oh dear.

Howard: First of all- Let me- All right. Let me talk a little bit about "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

Robin: Yes.

Howard: First of all, your acting in this is perfect. You're really good in it. Uh, the show is A+.

Sarah: Thank you.

Howard: First of all, there's some kick-ass karate and all that- do you do that karate yourself?

Sarah: I do a good portion of it.

Howard: No kidding.

Sarah: No.

Howard: No, it's decent. Hey, how old are you, like 20 or something?

Sarah: 21

Howard: No kidding. Geeze, that's way too young. That is so young.

Sarah: Fine. You hit on Michelle who's 17, but I'm too young to- Thank you.

Howard: I gotta be honest with you. I don't feel you're too young for me. I feel I look very youthful.

Robin: Oh, god.

Howard: No, I really do. I don't think we'd make a- Hey, Ivan, do I look like I shouldn't be with her?

Ivan: I think it's a perfect match.

Howard: No, I'm being serious. Do you think I'm too old for you?

Sarah: No.

Howard: Really. Seriously.

Sarah: You're young at heart.

Howard: Yeah, right. You got a boyfriend?

Robin: Did you hear that, "young at heart" Howard.

Howard: Yeah.


Howard: Let's all take our clothes off. Except for Michelle, of course.

Michelle: I'd like to keep mine on.

Robin: She's underaged.

Howard: Let me tell you something, you have the body of a 21-year-old.

Robin: Oh, please.

Howard: I can say that. I mean that as a compliment.

Michelle: Thank you.

Sarah: Tell him he has the body of a 50-year-old.

Howard: Yeah.

Robin: She is the greatest artist on ice, and you are just carrying on about her dress.

Howard: For you guys, this is an award show. For me, this is just about looking at hot chicks. Do you know what I mean? I like the way you look. What can I do?

Gary: Howard.

Howard: What is it, Bababooey?

Gary: I hate to point- I'm sorry to point this out.

Howard: Yeah, but you're microphone isn't working.

Gary: Hello.

Howard: Yeah. Turn it on, pal.

Gary: Are we on now?

Robin: Yes.

Gary: I hate to point this out, but Sarah's 21 and you're [Michelle] 17. I don't think the two of them together are your age.

Howard: Really. I'm starting to feel old.

Robin: All of the sudden he can do math.

Howard: Yeah. Suddenly the guy can add. It's unbelievable. But anyway, uh-

Robin: We're ignoring Jamie Kennedy-

Sarah: Jamie's here too. My co-star from Scream 2.

Jamie: No, it's okay.

Robin: -from Scream 2

Howard: Hey, how're you doing.

Jamie: No, it's alright. The girls-

Howard: I didn't even see you, pal. I'm looking at the women. Sorry, Jamie.

Sarah: We're hoping to get Jamie on 'Buffy' soon.

Howard: Yeah?

Robin: Yeah? That'd be great.

Jamie: I'm gonna do an episode of the Slayer.

Howard: Hey, you know who's cool on that? Uh, who's the blond vampire- the guy?

Sarah: Spike.

Howard: Spike. He's good.

Sarah: Isn't he cool?

Howard: Yeah, he's real good.

Sarah: He's great.

Howard: Yeah, and the guy who plays Angel. You do make-out scenes and stuff with him?

Robin: Not anymore.

Sarah: Sometimes we do them on camera and stuff also.

Howard: Let me ask you something. Do you get excited by that guy when you're on camera? I mean, you're a young girl. You probably haven't had that much sex.

Sarah: You know, he's a really good-looking guy, but he's David. He's my friend. And when we do those scenes it just doesn't-not really.

Howard: You got a boyfriend?

Sarah: No.

Howard: Really?

Sarah: Yeah, are you asking me out.

Howard: Do you have a boyfriend.

Sarah: No.

Howard: I'm asking you-yeah, I'm asking you out.

Robin: You, and your wife, and she could have a wonderful time together.

Howard: No. What my wife doesn't know won't kill her. You would cheat on my wife with me.


Sarah: There's a proposition for ya.

Howard: I know. Ivan's sitting there going, "I can't believe he knows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"." That I even know anything about the show. I'm telling ya, I worship this show. It's probably the best show on-

Sarah: It's a good show. You should watch it.

Robin: It really is.

Ivan: Okay.

Howard: It's one of the best hours on television.

Robin: We wouldn't steer you wrong.

Howard: Ya, it really is cool.

Sarah: You missed it tonight, though.

Howard: So, you know what, the movie "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" kinda sucked. I thought.

Robin: And I couldn't believe they were going to make a TV show out of it.

Sarah: I know. That's what I said when they first called me. "The movie didn't do that well, are you guys sure?" And then I met with Joss Whedon and he had just this amazing vision, and-

Howard: What did you do. Did you have to audition for that?

Sarah: Like seventeen times. I was actually the original Cordelia. I wasn't Buffy.

Howard: No kidding.

Sarah: Yeah.

Howard: Yeah. Cordelia's hot too. There's a lot of hot broads on there. That's why I watch it. And I like the outfits.

Sarah: And Drusilla. Don't forget Drusilla.

Howard: Drusilla's hot too.

Sarah: Willow. They're all-

Howard: Willow's alright.

Sarah: Hey!


Howard: Yeah. So what's your story? You've never been with a man or anything?

Robin: Oh, stop.

Sarah: Tonight?

Howard: Michelle, you've never been with a man, right? You're a virgin?

Robin: All she's done is skate, Howard.

Howard: Michelle, you're a virgin, right?

Michelle: Do I have to say this on the air?

Howard: Yeah!

Robin: No. Let me tell you about Michelle. Michelle has done nothing but skate her entire life.

Howard: Is that true. Did your parents like raise you like in a vacuum?

Michelle: On the ice?

Howard: Yeah, did they force you-

Michelle: I wasn't born on the ice.

Howard: Did they force you to skate?

Michelle: No, never.

Robin: They didn't force her.

Howard: Where did you grow up?

Michelle: Palace Verdes.

Howard: Palace Verdes? Where is that, California.

Michelle: Yeah.

Sarah: Did you used to skate in Torrance?

Michelle: Yes, I did.

Sarah: We shoot "Buffy" in Torrance.

Howard: You do?

Michelle: Did you really?

Howard: What do you mean your parents would just like, uh, encourage you to skate and everything?

Michelle: Yes.

Robin: How did you discover skating?

Michelle: Well, my brother played hockey, and so I was like, "Why am I watching? Let's just go and- let's go out and play!"

Howard: Hey, is there money in this? Do you think I should buy some skates for my kids? I've got a 5-year-old. Maybe I-

Robin: There's lots of money in it, yes.

Michelle: Well, you have to pay, though.

Howard: Really?

Michelle: You have to pay for coaching and stuff.

Howard: How do you know if somebody's really good on skates. Did they know right away that you were like a genius of skates?

Michelle: No. I held on to the rails like every other kid.

Howard: Really.

Michelle: Yeah, it was fun, though.

Howard: You know what I dug. I dug that outfit you wore while you skated. I could see your panties.

Robin: Oh, here we go.

Howard: I could!

Robin: That's what he says. When the Winter Olympics are happening, he says, "Oh, figure skating. I get to see panties".

Michelle: It's a body suit with a little skirt on it.

Howard: Let me tell you that's hot. You got a boyfriend?

Michelle: No.

Howard: Really?

Michelle: No.

Howard: Boy, all these good-looking girls with no boyfriends.

Robin: Well, Howard, you're taken!

Howard: I'm really not. I'm really available. I'm not kidding.

Ivan: Do you ever go out on a date. Do you ever have time to go out on a date?

Howard: She's a virgin.

Michelle: Not right now I don't have much time. I'm on tour, the Worlds.

Robin: To get ready for the Olympics and the Worlds you have to devote all of your time to it.

Howard: Please. You could spend the night with a guy.

Robin: Yeah, right.

Howard: No, but seriously, do your parents watch over you and stuff and make sure you don't go out with guys?

Michelle: They keep a- They keep me in line, but-

Howard: Has a guy ever asked you out?

Michelle: Do I have to say this? Say 'no.'

Sarah: No.

Howard: Of course you have to say it.

Michelle: No, she said I don't have to, so-

Howard: Yeah, but you're Michelle Kwan, and now you-

Robin: You don't have to answer anything you don't want to.

Howard: You're Michelle Kwan and you belong to the world now, and people need to know this. Do you know what I mean? You're a Silver Medallist and this is the kind of thing need to know. How are guys going to know if they can ask you out or not?

Michelle: No.

Howard: So, you've kissed guys and stuff, right?

Michelle: I don't know.

Howard: Really.

Michelle: I don't know.

Robin: She's claming up on you now.

Howard: I like that. I like a girl who's clean.

Robin: Well now, Tara Lipinski has said she's not going to the worlds because she's sick. Are you uh- How does that make you feel?

Michelle: Um, I_

Howard: What is this, a legitimate show?

Robin: I actually like figure skating.

Howard: I'm talking about sex.

Robin: Quiet!

Michelle: Well, it differs because, I mean you look forward to the Olympic games and when it's over, it's a sense of relief, and you think it's all over, but there's another competition right after that, and another competition. And it's really up to the skater to decide whether to compete or not.

Robin: Yeah.

Howard: Let me tell you something.

Robin: Does that make you feel like you can't get a gold in the competition because she's not going to be there?

Michelle: I don't skate against anyone. I skate for myself. And when I'm on the ice I don't think about other competitors.

Robin: Why did you cry at the end of your program?

Michelle: Oh, I don't know. It's such a-

Howard: For extra votes.

Michelle: -sense of accomplishment.

Howard: I don't think, uh-

Robin: For extra votes!

Howard: I don't think Lipinski's that cute.


Howard: To be honest with you. Her body rocks, but-

Robin: Oh, she's not here. That's why you're saying that.

Howard: Her face ain't that good. You got her beat by a mile in the beauty competition, I'll tell you that. Hey, you know I got a gold medal in nose picking when I was young? It's unbelieve- I'm really good at it.

Robin: And he was a natural.

Howard: Seriously, I have three words for you: Tonya Harding. Beware.

Robin: That is not three words.

Howard: You just be careful, alright. 'Cause you never know what can happen out there.

Robin: Really, watch out.

Howard: She's been known to smash a few people in the knees. Isn't that horrible? Can you imagine training, and training, and training and someone smashes you in the knees.

Robin: Really.

Michelle: Such disappointment. I mean I remember seeing Nancy practice before nationals and how good she was skating and everything, and she looked like a rock star. And then that happened to her, I just, I felt really sorry for her.

Howard: Have you ever met Tonya Harding?

Michelle: Yes.

Howard: Did she- Were you afraid she would hit you in the knees? Did you get nervous? She's a real slob.

Robin: She's wearing quite a major ring for such a young girl. What is that ring you're wearing?

Ivan: Let's see that.

Howard: What do you got on?

Michelle: Um, a ring that my mom designed.

Robin: Wow.

Michelle: Yeah.

Howard: Were your parents taking all your loot.

Robin: No, I'm sure not.

Howard: What'd they give you a ring. "Hey, Ma. Lay off my cash. I don't want the ring". Are your parents wealthy people?

Michelle: No.

Howard: What do they do?

Michelle: Uh, my ma- my dad was in a phone company 'round here.

Howard: Phone company?

Michelle: Phone company.

Howard: You better hold on to your loot. I'm telling you right now. Phone company.

Michelle: Na, and my mom was man- she managed a family restaurant.

Howard: Aw, man!

Robin: So, did they quit all that to manage you?

Michelle: Well, no. Not really. My dad retired.

Howard: Oh really.

Michelle: Forced to retire.

Howard: Forced to retire. What's the matter with him? Not feeling good?

Michelle: No. Too many people.

Howard: Too many people?

Michelle: Yeah.

Howard: What do you mean too many people.

Michelle: In the company.

Howard: Oh, really.

Robin: Oh, so they had a downsizing, kind of-

Michelle: Yeah.

Howard: So now he's living off you? Oy vey!

Robin: Oh stop it.

Michelle: No.

Howard: You're only 17 years old. You don't need that kind of thing.

Michelle: No, they've done so much for me.

Howard: Hey Sarah what about you?

Robin: Did they have to send you away at some point to just live with somebody to coach you?

Michelle: Um, no. We were moved up in Lake Ohead and we stayed in a cottage.

Robin: So they had to move because of your career.

Michelle: Yeah. But, um.

Howard: You had better hold on to your loot. I'm telling you right now.

Michelle: No, but he drove up and down to see me ever day, and so did my mom.

Howard: Man, I'm tell you something- Hey, Sarah, what about you? Are your parents living off you?

Sarah: No, actually they're not. My mother's a teacher.

Howard: Oh, is she really?

Sarah: Yeah.

Howard: Oh, you better watch your loot. How much dough can you make on 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.'

Sarah: Millions.

Howard: Seriously?

Sarah: No.

Howard: No, what can you get an episode. About what, 25-30 grand? More than that?

Sarah: Hardly. I work for the WB, remember?

Howard: Are you serious, let than 25-30 grand.

Sarah: I'm not answering this question either.

Howard: You better answer it. We'll have you hooked up to electrodes.

Michelle: You don't have to.

Howard: You can be shocked.

Sarah: Thank you. Michelle said I don't have to.

Howard: You're no virgin though, right.

Robin: You don't have to answer that.

Howard: You know the drill, right?

Robin: So when you did, um "I Saw What You- I Know What You Did Last Summer", did you get more money for that? Did you get a big paycheck?

Howard: Yeah.

Sarah: Well, it's different. In television you get paid weekly and in movies you get paid in one lump sum. How much do you make for the show, Howard?

Howard: Millions!

Sarah: Okay.

Howard: That's no secret. You know what I'd like to see on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" A lesbian vampire.

Robin: Oh, dear.

Howard: And you- and an ice skating vampire.

Sarah: We had some- We had some lesbian couples in the Bronze once.

Howard: Ivan, lets develop that. Come on, I've got ideas. You know, I don't just want to do Private Parts sequels. I have a lot of ideas.

Robin: He's bubbling over.

Howard: So what's going to be happening on "Buffy?" Are you signed up for another couple of years?

Sarah: Yeah.

Howard: Good.

Sarah: We're definitely going into our next season. We're going to start, um in mid-June. I actually have- I have 15 days left this season.

Robin: Oh!

Howard: Is that right?

Sarah: That's it, yeah.

Howard: Then what are you going to do?

Sarah: I'm doing two movies this summer.

Robin: Good for you.

Sarah: I'm doing a modernized "Dangerous Liaisons". Where I will kiss a girl.


Howard: Oh, really.

Sarah: Yes, yes.

Howard: And what are you wearing? What do you wear in that?

Sarah: We haven't had a costume fitting yet, but I can let you know.

Howard: Will you ever do topless-- in a movie? If it fits the part.

Sarah: Maybe. Are you offering me Private Parts 2?

Howard: Uh, yeah. You're going to play my, uh, girlfriend in Private Parts 2. No, you're going to play my daughter. You're gonna be topless through the whole movie.

Robin: Oh, stop it!

Howard: Cause you're just running through the house topless… showering. Cause you don't care. You don't know you're in a movie. [Loud squeaking sound] Hey, Ivan stop that, will ya? And um, so let me sum up, okay. Here's what I going to do. Sarah Michelle Gellar, of course, is um "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

Robin: Yes.

Howard: She has two movies coming up. What are those movies, again.

Sarah: Um, ah Cruel Inventions and Magic Hour.

Howard: Yeah. Who's the director.

Sarah: Cruel Inventions is a guy named Roger Kumble.

Howard: Oh yeah? I've never heard of him. Is he good? Do you know him, Ivan?

Ivan: No.

Howard: You don't know him? It doesn't mean anything, you know, we're just saying, you know, listen- And, uh, what else?

Sarah: Magic Hour which is going to be directed by Mark Tarloff.

Howard: Excellent. And I want to congratulate Michelle Kwan, of course on her-

Robin: And wish her well in the Worlds.

Ivan: Yeah.

Howard: Wish her well in the Worlds.

Michelle: Thank you, thank you.

Howard: You don't get paid for that, though, right? The Worlds.

Michelle: Um. Prize money.

Howard: Oh, you do get prize money.

Michelle: Yeah.

Howard: What can you get if you win?

Michelle: I think $50,000.

Howard: 50 thou?

Robin: Well, she's got endorsements, I'm sure and all kinds of things going on.

Howard: You got endorsement?

Michelle: Caress.

Howard: Caress soap?

Michelle: Yeah.

Robin: I think you're the first to sign after the Olympics. That's right.

Michelle: Really?

Robin: To get a major- yeah. I saw that in the paper.

Howard: No kidding. Ah. I bet you got a pile of loot for that.

Michelle: Oh. No comment.

Sarah: She's takin' the fifth.

Howard: Keep mom and dad away from the money. That's all I gotta say to both of you. And, uh, keep them away from all of that free soap you're going to be getting. To be quite honest with you.

Michelle: I'll be nice and clean.

Howard: Yeah. But anyway, congratulations to you both, uh big fan of both of you and uh, thanks for being here.

Sarah: Thank you!

Howard: Yeah, it's cool.

Robin: Pleasure to meet you both.

Howard: Alright nice meeting you guys.

Michelle: Bye.

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