A farmer in his pickup truck
in Alabama was driving across a bridge
when he noticed a man standing on the
rail of the bridge ready to jump to his
death in the river below. The man
stopped his truck ran up to the man and
said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing
this?" The man replied, "Well, I have
nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of
your wife and children!" The jumper
replied,"I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then
think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on
many years back."
The Alabama man then said,
"Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said,
"Jump, you stupid Yankee,
Two Redneck hunters
got a pilot to fly them into the far
north for elk hunting. They were quite
successful in their venture, and bagged
six big bucks.
The pilot came back as arranged to pick
them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected; said he, "The
plane can take out only four of your
elk; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him. The year before
they had shot six and the pilot had
allowed them to put all aboard, and the
plane was just the same model and
capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot
finally permitted them to put all six
But when they attempted to take off and
leave the valley where they were, the
little plane could not make it, and they
crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out
of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck.
"I think this is about the same place
where the plane crashed last
Be prepared for next Christmas which is only 4 months away. A new contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated Please read the following carefully....
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty".
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me on the hood of Bubba's sleigh.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, you will not hear the lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the south. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. It Won't be long before Christmas so get ready Y'all. Sincerely Yours,