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Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window;
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then--
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic,
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitos,
Fear vacuum cleaner.

Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead.

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then
screams! My claws aren't that sharp....

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey".

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats

This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil.
The farmer asked, "A whole pint," and the Vet replied, "sure that'll fix it right up."
The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along.
"You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf, it was a cat."
The Vet said, "Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?"
"Sure did," the farmer replied.
"What happened, where's the cat now?" asked the Vet.
The farmer pointing said, "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory..."


St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven.  A cat shows up and St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
    Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals.  Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
    Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.  "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"



Miaow - Feed me.

meeow - Pet me.

mrooww - I love you.

miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow - I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow - Play with me.

miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

mow - Snuggling is a good idea.

moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.

mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied

(Don't try this at home!!)

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.   
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.        
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while  you carry him towards the bathroom.   
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
       5. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
7. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
    8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  9. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

How to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions.

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions... Relax, your cat is normal.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of all the lines downwards!

And God Created Dog...
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.