BLONDE JOKES





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A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying '88, 88, 88.' A blonde saw her and asked her why she did it. The brunette said that it was fun and that the blonde should try it. So they were both walking down the middle of the street saying '88, 88, 88.' All of the sudden a huge semi-truck came along and the brunette jumped out of the way... A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying '89, 89, 89.'






Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:

To:            My Boss
From:        Blondie
Subject:    Changing calendars from Y to K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.
    At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wed nesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.







A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hail storm. The hail was large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car. The attendant being a smart-ass, told her: "Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents," When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that. While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around her car's tailpipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out, her roommate -- also a blonde -- came home. Her roommate, of course, asked her what the heck she was doing. The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was how she could get the dents out. The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said: "Like duh....you have to roll up the windows first....."





A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear ofone horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.






A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."



How blonde was she ???
She was soooooooooooooo blonde:

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here," she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
She studied for a blood test-and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she saw the "NC-17, under 17 not admitted," she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.



"Finally a blond man joke"

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.




two blondes were walking through the forest one day. One stopped and looked down at the ground and said, "Look at those deer prints". the other blonde said, "They're not deer prints, they're wolf tracks." They argued for about 25 minutes about whether they were deer prints or wolf tracks. And then they were hit by a train.



A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."



There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.



Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes,when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor.
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"




The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"



An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this >> building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, >> too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and >> jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral, The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."



A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."