The Virtual Timemachine

Recently, it has become very hard to admire the boys of NSYNC with the same awe that I have previously. Hell, it has been hard to not torch their CD chanting, "burn in hell, you worthless, dishonest, slutty bastards." Well, today I was "grounded" from the computer because I failed to clean the computer room last night. By the way, doesn't it seem a bit odd that I am 20 and still get grounded? It does to me. Anyway, my point is that I didn't have anything to do and I ended up sitting downstairs with my little sister watching NSYNC's Disney special. I hadn't watched the special since around Christmas time. While I was watching it I discovered something. I caught myself "aww'ing" after JC did his "lil jazz versions" and kissy faces and laughing when Chris fell down after he scored a "touchdown." Within its one hour running time, I was feeling the way I did about them before I knew Joey was a dirty, dirty whore. Before I knew JC didn't "respect everyone." Before I knew they had girlfriends. And I liked it.

What am I getting at? Well, I have a proposal for all the NSYNC fans out there that are a little bit discouraged.

Let's all pretend that we know nothing and if you hear something bad about NSYNC, ignore it. Lance is a good 'ol country boy who sounds so darn cute when he says "girl, are you alone?". Justin is a God-fearing virgin who makes us laugh. JC is a moral, respectful young man who can sing like no ones buisness. Chris is a crazy class clown who retained his purity throughout his 27 years. Joey is a friendly, not so attractive, but cuddly. Sound good? I think so. Infact, let's just name this right now. It will be called "giddyism," and those who practice it will be know as "giddyists." Can I get an "amen?" Let's review our pseudo-Bible, shall we?

A Introduction to "Giddyism"

I would like to welcome you to the blissful world of becoming a "giddyist." We have a few rules that will guide you out of reality and into "giddyism." The first is simple, clear your mind of all rumors, truths, and bad karma that surrounds NSYNC. The second is detox. I want you to watch the Disney special for 48 consecutive hours. I want you to be able to quote the damn thing. Once you have reversed all the damage from the last couple months, the hard part is over. The rest is simple. Stay away from sources of bad karma and if you hear something that is not pleasing, ignore it. Phrases such as "Nope. I don't believe it. Justin is a nice boy," always work for me. Now that you understand the basics, let me give you a few readings to help you along.

A reading from the book of Justin:1:25-26

1. Thou shall play basketball, baby.

2. If there is a baby blue item in sight, thou shall givith it to Justin.

3. Thou shall not press that button.

4. Thou shall bleach your hair until the bottle runnith dry.

5. Thou shall punctuate every sentence with your tongue.

A reading from the book of Josh:7:8-9

1. Thou shall create 'lil jazz ver-sh-ins.

2. Thou shall unzip their fly during "Tearin' Up My Heart."

3. Thou shall "respect everyone" and you should have no problems.

4. Thou shall smileth like a fool when someone says your name.

5. Thou shall play the air saxophone during "Jungle Boogie."

A reading from the book of Christopher:3:7-8

1. Thou shall playith football.

2. Thou shall have nappyith hair.

3. Thou shall mock "Happy Gilmore."

4. He who designed that will get hitith on the head.

5. Thou shall wear camoflauge overalls and orange shirt to "blend in."

A reading from the book of James:2:1-2

1. Thou shall morn "Toby."

2. Thou shall be from Mississippi.

3. Thou shall shake their fingerith and pat their chest.

4. Thou shall raiseith their eyebrow.

5. Thou shall wonder, "girl are you alone?"

A reading from the book of Joseph:6:4-5

1. Thou shall actually repeat thy self, actually.

2. Thou shall wearith huge, velvet purple pants.

3. Thou shall wake up Lance for thy own entertainment and self gain.

4. All lesiure time is spent in thy scared wetsuit.

5. Thou shall winkith and twitchith when the camera is filming you.

I firmly believe that this will work. I know that I am so much happier living in a oblivious state of mind. It gives you a reason to drag your fat ass out of bed in the morning and go to work or school. If you are a believer and want to support "giddyism," take this graphic and show much love. Thank you.


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Can I get a damn amen?

Wait, what's this? A testimonial? From one of my most favoritist people? Score!

Miss Mandy down over 'der at "They Just Wanna Be NKOTB" has tryed "Giddyism" and has a few words she'd like to say. Go ahead, girl.

I too am a firm believer in Wendi's "Ignorance Is Bliss" campaign. Not only am I a believer, but I am also a client.

I have been a fan of the super group N SYNC since the halcyon days of performing at Pleasure Island in Downtown Disney...and before then I wore my Mouseket-ears proudly as I sang along to "you know it's prime to bust a rhyme, the club is always movin right on time, Mickey Mouse rock the house" every day at 5pm. I remember Lance when he was brunette and dancing in Attache. That's right kids, I have been a fan of N SYNC before N SYNC was well, N SYNC.

After four years, it recently became apparent that the boys had changed. Not totally for the worse, but where Lance had once been so in awe of other celebrities he now wears tinted shades and throws up a lil' peace sign in true star form. Joey was a Werewolf and now just howls like one on stage...true rags to riches. Then of course they dynamic duo who have been famous for over 18 years combined, our Timberlake and Chasez, who can make women drop faster than Tonia Harding and a baseball bat. Chris, oh loveable Chris, who makes light of the fact that no he is not a virgin at 27... Wait, not a virgin? I have been brainwashed by the reps of TransCon and WEG to think that he and the rest of the guys are. That no, they do not have girlfriends. No they do not drink. No they do not try and tell two girls to go freak with eachother. No they do not proposition women because they are famous. No they do not go to proms of TGIF stars. But reality has jaded me. I know they are normal boys, that do the activities nomal boys do at ages 18-27. The have fun. I know they have girlfriends, or "female companions" as some like to call them. I know that they drink...what kid their age doesn't? So what if Joey gets jiggy? So what if Justin learned his rhythm in ways other than watching Michael Jackson. So what if Lance isn't pure as the snow and JC doesn't respect everybody? So what if Chris is just another horny guy who has opportunity?

But the beauty of it all is with Wendi's program, I can pretend otherwise. With just her rules and a little imagination, JC and his jazz versions are not sickeningly ironic. The words "single and ready to mingle" are again cute and not a reminder that Joey and Justin need action. Chris is just that guy with funkdified hair that worships Busta Rhymes like we worship him. And Lance just hangs out with Topan--er, I mean, Danielle because he wants to lead her to the Lord.

Here are just some of the ideas that were reworked in my head following Wendi's course in denial. Lance knows not what he does, it's just because he's from Mississippi.

Justin and Britney just go style their hair together. Joey just wants to make the world a better place by spreading the love of himself around. JC does respect people, but you have to "know him" to really understand. WWJD stands for "What Would Justin/James/JC/or Joey Do" so they are only really following that. Chris is a virgin, he just mistyped on the yahoo chat. They are not girlfriends that tour with them, just really mobile fans that chase after the boys across all 50 states and occaisionally hang out with them. Danielle Fishel is really the "I love Lance" girl from Boston and he's just humoring her so she doesn't turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction JC was trying to get into his "thug luv" part for Blaque's album the night Wendi saw them, so he was just being ghetto like Justin taught him. Chris listens to Busta Rhymes too much, so therefore he imitates what he learned via the's a media influence.
Justin is a good boy.
Joey is a good boy.
JC is a good boy.
Chris is a good boy.
Lance is a good boy...cause he's from Mississippi.
See how easy that was kids? So take it from me, a follower of Wendi's "Giddy For N SYNC Formula of Denial" that imagination, the old Disney Concert Special, and no knowledge of the things I have seen in four years is a surefire way to be back on the track to loving the boys of N SYNC again, devoid of the bitter knowledge of reality. And I part with a very integral phrase. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.