
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, 'What is wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
The rest is history....
A Super pain!
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her." "Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?" "Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."
Oooh, that stings!
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach & picks it up. Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, May I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch...don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads..."But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all he says, "O.K., O.K...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams, "Now leave me the #@*! alone!"
So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.
But where are the edge pieces?
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake, put the Cornflakes back in the Box."
A red what???
How do you know when you're staying in a Georgia hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.....
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Georgia?...A documentary. What do they call it in Arkansas?..."Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
You are blocking the light
A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.
"You are lying on the dining room skylight."
How about a break
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
The man thinks: What does a priest know about sex? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, My son, sex is definitely play.
The man replies, Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?
The Rabbi softly speaks, My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
How do they feel?
A blonde walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the blondes feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Oohh Mama!
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
The Gender Gap
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect! You can be the husband."
They did what?
4 guys are driving cross-country together--one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground--I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Bloomies?
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements.
As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Just can't Bear it
An 80 year old dude is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling."I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that"?
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly."
A case of Foot-in-Mouth Disease
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
Getting Older
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Phheeew!
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69." "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks.
"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going??" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
...But I'm not giving up the jewelry
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Well,...Duhhh
Floyd, Cletus, and Bubba were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ol' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store t'other day and bought an air conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Cletus says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Bubba the Miniature wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. t'other day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no manly organ."
Better watchit!
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking..."
Yo Kemosabe!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to croak from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
Scroll Down! - There's a groan coming!!!
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin.'"Yo...Peanuts Here!
They were Nun the wiser!A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied,
"Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits lady," says the man, "but where do you want these blinds?"
It's a Gas!
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Choppers
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all.
He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Return to the rest of the Yuks!